Is Learning Your Partners Language Important to your Relationship?

[Manny]

An old topic I thought worthy of waking up in light of several of the other topics we have currently running.

[dwfunk]

An old topic I thought worthy of waking up in light of several of the other topics we have currently running.

Absolutely!  Even though I've not been doing a very good job of it.  Daily practice is best if one can get it.   

And if you have access to continuous language exposure, take advantage of it! Something I didn't do well the first time around.   





-david

[CC3]

My fiancee, as a UW English language university student and private English teacher/tutor, prefers that we speak in English, during my visits to UA, to advance her qualifications, but once we're married and living together in UA, I will be her devoted Ukrainian/Russian student. I studied Latin and French in high school, and was an Italian minor student in university, so I expect I will be using 8 years of formal foreign language instruction as the guideline to studying UA/RU, with the advantage of deep immersion at the merciful hands of wife and stepdaughter.   

[AvHdB]

. . . deep immersion at the merciful hands of wife and stepdaughter.

Sure that is what they all say . . .

[CC3]

. . . deep immersion at the merciful hands of wife and stepdaughter.

Sure that is what they all say . . .

 

[bagalia]

There are many reasons why a man should learn the Russian language and many would like to do so but very few learn more than a few phrases. So rather than to go on and on about why you should I think it would be better to know what you should know at a minimum.

In my view you should know the basics of the alphabet. It is easier to read than to speak it. You should be able to speak the usual greetings, typical phrases to get something or somewhere and the words you need to know for typical foods. There are maybe 50 words you can easily learn that are very similar to English such as 'fantastica'. If you can buy a ticket, buy your food and understand the most often used phrases then you are doing better than many and will feel more secure in the beginning.

As far as moving forward into conversation. I have a healthy respect for those who can carry a conversation for 10 minutes in Russian. You can say it is important and strive for it but 90% or more will never get there and if you do get there you will lose it fast if you do not use it daily. I think it is most important at the start. It comes in very handy when your new girlfriend is calling you an idiot worth milking to her friend on the phone or at a party. Parties are a great place to hear what women really think of their mates.

If you are good at languages or wish to live there then go for it. I speak passable Thai a little Spanish and French and could become fluent in either but my Russian is limited to somewhere between 100-150 words that I learned during the first three years or so and will never progress. My mouth doesn't do that and my brain doesn't quite wrap around it. I think if your words are well chosen you might be able to pick up on the general subject of a conversation about 25% of the time which is pretty poor but minimum. Just my opinion of course.

[CC3]

Concur, but I will shortly be living there, and, even though in the russified east, I wish to learn Ukrainian first (because I would love to live in L'viv).

[Mikeav8r]

Is it important to your relationship?  Will it make or break it?  No.  At least I certainly hope not.  I see many people up thread discussing the need (or desire) to know many common phrases or words that are common but I have to ask....where do you see or hear any of this where you live?  There are, of course, exceptions in the case of those living over there, desiring to live there or have businesses that are centered around those countries.  Early in the relationship, it is probably beneficial to learn as much as possible as you will be traveling there and if she does not speak a lot of English, it will help to translate basic words and phrases for her.  The bottom line is, she will be living in your country (except the situations listed above) and needs to learn your native language whether it is English, French or Swahili if she wants to work or even venture out in the world on her own with confidence.

Basically, it is nice to know another language, and each persons situation will be different, but it is not important...not in my case.  If my relationship gets to the K-1 stage later on, she will move here.  She has been learning English (quite well) for 4 months now and even asked me why I was trying to learn Russian.  Her logic was that she was learning English and we would not be living in Russia (unless I wanted to...and I don't) so why learn it?  I could not argue with that logic.  We would only visit Russia once every couple of years at best and I would have my interpreter with me anyway .

Soooo...based on the title of the thread...Is learning MY partners language important to OUR relationship?  Net.  However, ask her the same question and she will say Da...er Yes

[Manny]

Bagalia nailed it.

I learned Cyrillic first base. I found that invaluable because now I can read, even if I don't quite get the words or the inflection right. Point being, I can read ANYTHING in Cyrillic and get it almost right. I have a core set of words I learned from a Linkword CD (which my wife later corrected into words people actually use - so I learned them again). I picked up some stuff from common usage and around the home. I picked up more stuff mixing with people in the FSU. I learned pleasantries, menus, drinks, colours and more........

I can listen to pretty much any conversation and usually nail the content. OK, not everything, but I'll get the gist.

I can handle a menu in Russian. And usually order from it without too much difficulty; in Russian.

I can order a round of drinks - English to Russian - and get it right.

But small talk is beyond me. I miss too much. I once had a three hour conversation with a guy who spoke no English at all, with a lot of wine, and we covered the political spectrum and Perestroika (with many hand signals) and still came out of it both laughing. Our wives were doing this face though. 

Is her language important to the relationship? No, in that English is the language of the country where we live. She speaks it pretty fluently anyway. Our daughter now speaks both languages at four.

Should you learn Russian? Yes. Learn the Cyrillic alphabet, pleasantries, drinks, menus. The more you learn the better enabled you are.
 

[Mikeav8r]

Bagalia nailed it.

I learned Cyrillic first base. I found that invaluable because now I can read, even if I don't quite get the words or the inflection right. Point being, I can read ANYTHING in Cyrillic and get it almost right. I have a core set of words I learned from a Linkword CD (which my wife later corrected into words people actually use - so I learned them again). I picked up some stuff from common usage and around the home. I picked up more stuff mixing with people in the FSU. I learned pleasantries, menus, drinks, colours and more........

I can listen to pretty much any conversation and usually nail the content. OK, not everything, but I'll get the gist.

I can handle a menu in Russian. And usually order from it without too much difficulty; in Russian.

I can order a round of drinks - English to Russian - and get it right.

But small talk is beyond me. I miss too much. I once had a three hour conversation with a guy who spoke no English at all, with a lot of wine, and we covered the political spectrum and Perestroika (with many hand signals) and still came out of it both laughing. Our wives were doing this face though. 

Is her language important to the relationship? No, in that English is the language of the country where we live. She speaks it pretty fluently anyway. Our daughter now speaks both languages at four.

Should you learn Russian? Yes. Learn the Cyrillic alphabet, pleasantries, drinks, menus. The more you learn the better enabled you are.

Thank you...now, what does the rest of everything you said have to do with "Hoovering" the house?

[doc holiday]

I have not put in much effort to learn Russian; it would just not be an efficient use of time.

My wife and I do practice some words and phrases, but just really basic things.  If she told me it was really important to her then I would give it my best shot, but all the time I would have to sacrifice from more beneficial things would make the endeavor a net loss.

I will mention that she was an English teacher in Russia and fluent before we met, so she did not learn 'my' language for me either.

[Mikeav8r]

I have not put in much effort to learn Russian; it would just not be an efficient use of time.

My wife and I do practice some words and phrases, but just really basic things.  If she told me it was really important to her then I would give it my best shot, but all the time I would have to sacrifice from more beneficial things would make the endeavor a net loss.

I will mention that she was an English teacher in Russia and fluent before we met, so she did not learn 'my' language for me either.

What if she knew very little English when you met?  Would you have a different view?

[Phelan]

A couple has to have a primary, main language for their relationship. Both parties should strive to reach maximum fluency in whatever this one language will be. I don't think a couple can reach the best levels of intimacy if one is half-fluent in Russian, the other half-fluent in English. What that primary language will be is probably determined by where you are going to live. In most cases, but not all, that means the FSU bride, and her husband helping her, should put all her effort into reaching the highest level of fluency in the language of her husband's land.

The related part of the pure practicality of learning English, which is understood in almost all European countries, but who speaks Ukrainian? So there's no spin-off value to learning Ukrainian, and very little to Russian, but Manny says in UK Russian business links are growing.

[Muzh_1]

I have not put in much effort to learn Russian; it would just not be an efficient use of time.

My wife and I do practice some words and phrases, but just really basic things.  If she told me it was really important to her then I would give it my best shot, but all the time I would have to sacrifice from more beneficial things would make the endeavor a net loss.

I will mention that she was an English teacher in Russia and fluent before we met, so she did not learn 'my' language for me either.

Doc, here's some advise that has worked great for me.

Instead of 'learning' her language, learn the history and politics of her country. Learn what makes her people tick. This alone transcends any language barrier.

Learning a few words will be just gravy.

[leeholsen]

 I think it is because you will find many things translated from russian to english or how you would think to say something in english can mean something very, very different to native russian speakers; your RW will also greatl appreciate it.

 funny story on this, the woman, Lena; who started me on the RW idea used to teach me some russian; but she had not been in the states long and did not know much of US culture; so to get her back for trying to break my tongue on russian; i had her for a week thinking that "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" was a word regularly used. i got in real trouble when she found out i pulled a fast one on her. 

[Mikeav8r]

 I think it is because you will find many things translated from russian to english or how you would think to say something in english can mean something very, very different to native russian speakers; your RW will also greatl appreciate it.

 funny story on this, the woman, Lena; who started me on the RW idea used to teach me some russian; but she had not been in the states long and did not know much of US culture; so to get her back for trying to break my tongue on russian; i had her for a week thinking that "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" was a word regularly used. i got in real trouble when she found out i pulled a fast one on her. 

I bet listening to her try to pronounce that was a real treat for a while 

[AvHdB]

 I think it is because you will find many things translated from russian to english or how you would think to say something in english can mean something very, very different to native russian speakers; your RW will also greatl appreciate it.

 funny story on this, the woman, Lena; who started me on the RW idea used to teach me some russian; but she had not been in the states long and did not know much of US culture; so to get her back for trying to break my tongue on russian; i had her for a week thinking that "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" was a word regularly used. i got in real trouble when she found out i pulled a fast one on her. 

I bet listening to her try to pronounce that was a real treat for a while 

Lee there is some curiosity can you describe the "real trouble"?

[leeholsen]

 I think it is because you will find many things translated from russian to english or how you would think to say something in english can mean something very, very different to native russian speakers; your RW will also greatl appreciate it.

 funny story on this, the woman, Lena; who started me on the RW idea used to teach me some russian; but she had not been in the states long and did not know much of US culture; so to get her back for trying to break my tongue on russian; i had her for a week thinking that "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious" was a word regularly used. i got in real trouble when she found out i pulled a fast one on her. 

I bet listening to her try to pronounce that was a real treat for a while 

Lee there is some curiosity can you describe the "real trouble"?

well, in that case; i got the silent treatment.

however, in hindsight; she backed off expecting perfect russian pronounciation for me; so i might suggest it to your RW. 

[doc holiday]

I have not put in much effort to learn Russian; it would just not be an efficient use of time.

My wife and I do practice some words and phrases, but just really basic things.  If she told me it was really important to her then I would give it my best shot, but all the time I would have to sacrifice from more beneficial things would make the endeavor a net loss.

I will mention that she was an English teacher in Russia and fluent before we met, so she did not learn 'my' language for me either.

What if she knew very little English when you met?  Would you have a different view?

I would have a different view in that case.  In my situation, me learning Russian likely has little influence on our ability to communicate and understand one another because she had over 15 years of English training when we met.  I would need to become quite skilled in Russian before there would be much benefit.  If she only had basic or non-existent English speaking skills when we met then my efforts to learn Russian would help us communicate, particularly early on, and be much more beneficial to us.

[doc holiday]

I have not put in much effort to learn Russian; it would just not be an efficient use of time.

My wife and I do practice some words and phrases, but just really basic things.  If she told me it was really important to her then I would give it my best shot, but all the time I would have to sacrifice from more beneficial things would make the endeavor a net loss.

I will mention that she was an English teacher in Russia and fluent before we met, so she did not learn 'my' language for me either.

Doc, here's some advise that has worked great for me.

Instead of 'learning' her language, learn the history and politics of her country. Learn what makes her people tick. This alone transcends any language barrier.

Learning a few words will be just gravy.

I agree.  Although I am not and will never be an expert in Russian culture, I have tried to learn a great deal about the history, literature, music, food (though I dislike the food), and lifestyle of Russia now and in its past.  Some I learned on my own and some through asking my wife a lot of questions. 

[Mikeav8r]

I also agree.  The culture and history fascinates me to no end.  I actually like the food too .

My girl appreciates the fact I am learning her way of life and her history and values.  She also likes the fact I am working on learning basic Russian but also understands that will be the extent of it.  Besides, she is learning English so much faster than I am learning Russian (she has more time on her hands for one), there really is no point in me trying to become better than the basics.  By the time I can complete a 5 minute conversation in Russian, she will be teaching English as a second language to all the Spanish immigrants we have    So it is not so important for me....

P.S.  Not to offend anyone as I was exaggerating the point she will probably be fluent in Spanish also before I can complete a 5 minute conversation in Russian.....

[Muzh_1]

I have not put in much effort to learn Russian; it would just not be an efficient use of time.

My wife and I do practice some words and phrases, but just really basic things.  If she told me it was really important to her then I would give it my best shot, but all the time I would have to sacrifice from more beneficial things would make the endeavor a net loss.

I will mention that she was an English teacher in Russia and fluent before we met, so she did not learn 'my' language for me either.

Doc, here's some advise that has worked great for me.

Instead of 'learning' her language, learn the history and politics of her country. Learn what makes her people tick. This alone transcends any language barrier.

Learning a few words will be just gravy.

I agree.  Although I am not and will never be an expert in Russian culture, I have tried to learn a great deal about the history, literature, music, food (though I dislike the food), and lifestyle of Russia now and in its past.  Some I learned on my own and some through asking my wife a lot of questions.

I should emphasize, NEVER and I repeat NEVER assume or pretend to be an expert in Russian culture.

You were not born there. 

It is okay to 'understand' but do not, for a second, state you are an expert.

[Eduard]

"Russian culture" is not a monolithic thing. There are variations by region and even each family has it's own culture. Things that are perfectly normal within one family may seem strange to another family.

[Phelan]

This is all you need to know about Russian culture:

Russians are more comfortable, on average, lying, cheating and stealing than Americans

Russians are very defensive and quick to deflect accountability

Russians are intelligent, educated but psychologically dysfunctional with bursts of brilliance thrown in to confuse you

Russians have a good sense of humor

There are no Russian optimists

Russians drink too much

Russian women are gorgeous, leggy and passionate (that is, if you can catch one!)

So, it is clear now why WM are so interested in Russian culture? 

Tomorrow's lesson will be on Ukrainian culture 

[AvHdB]

This is all you need to know about Russian culture:

Russians are more comfortable, on average, lying, cheating and stealing than Americans

Russians are very defensive and quick to deflect accountability

Russians are intelligent, educated but psychologically dysfunctional with bursts of brilliance thrown in to confuse you

Russians have a good sense of humor

There are no Russian optimists

Russians drink too much

Russian women are gorgeous, leggy and passionate (that is, if you can catch one!)

So, it is clear now why WM are so interested in Russian culture? 

Tomorrow's lesson will be on Ukrainian culture