Reassuring is wrong?

[martincop]

I had a 6 month courtship and relationship with a lovely young woman. We met each other, write to each other everyday, every morning and night. We have cute little words of endearment to each other. We had a romantic week together. just two months ago She is sweet, innocent, hardworking and independent. We talked like we were a couple planning a life and future together. We were very much a couple.

Recently she was acting very strange and after 3 weeks of barely communicating with me, I surmised something very traumatic happened to her.  She won't tell me exactly but I can guess.

I reassure her she is still wonderful to me. That I care very much for her.  That whatever happened to her we can work through it as a couple and I didn't want her to go at this alone. She can tell me when she is ready. I didn't want her to be alone with this pain.

But the more I try to reassure her she is wanted and valued the more she pushes me away. She says she is not ready for a relationship at this point and I am pressuring her to get into a relationship. 

I understand that but I want to make sure she knows I can be there for her. I can wait for her.

Advice? I am all ears to listening and learning. I really like this woman and I don't want to screw it up during this time. I would like to go visit her in person but she has told me not to visit her. After telling me we should see each other yesterday. I understand she is confused too.

[Lon]

go now

[andrewfi]

You're creating a story based on possible scraps of information. You are filling in the blanks with more imaginings.

Truth is you don't know what's going on, you're not there.

Let her get on with her life. Don't badger her. It sounds like she's signaling 'back off' as hard as she can. Do it.

If she were in your country might she have cause to suggest that you were stalking her?

If she says 'back off' then do it. Get on with your life, date women in your country and community.

[Steveboy]

She just took some time with you as she is probably also taking with others.. enjoyed the holidays and that is it..

There is no more other than for you to move on..

Simple really..

[Contrarian]

She just took some time with you as she is probably also taking with others.. enjoyed the holidays and that is it..

There is no more other than for you to move on..

Simple really..

Too many American men don't wear trousers, they wear a skirt. 

[Steveboy]

She just took some time with you as she is probably also taking with others.. enjoyed the holidays and that is it..

There is no more other than for you to move on..

Simple really..

Too many American men don't wear trousers, they wear a skirt. 

 

[Faux Pas]

She tells you she's not ready, believe her. If she's lying to you now which, you seem to want to believe, she won't hesitate to tell you another one. Apparently, the two of you are not as close as you wish to believe. Back off and carry on with your life

[Manny]

If we strip out the opinion, we are left with several pertinent items.

Lets start here:

We had a romantic week together.

That's always nice, but it's not a relationship after a week. If it was in her country, that's just what Andrew calls bum sniffing. If it was abroad, well, everyone likes a holiday. And holiday romances featuring recreational sex aren't unusual.

But let's drill down to the facts based on what she says:

She says she is not ready for a relationship at this point and I am pressuring her to get into a relationship. 

Listen to her.

she has told me not to visit her.

Again, listen to her.

Personally, I'd walk away here.

She's just not that into you. She's told you she doesn't want a relationship and she doesn't want to see you. She couldn't be much clearer.

If you think it's salvageable (I don't, but you might), I'd suggest going absolutely silent on her. Let her come to you. And not when she has a crisis you can $olve.

[dorbradavid]

I reassure her she is still wonderful to me. That I care very much for her.  That whatever happened to her we can work through it as a couple and I didn't want her to go at this alone. She can tell me when she is ready. I didn't want her to be alone with this pain.

But the more I try to reassure her she is wanted and valued the more she pushes me away. She says she is not ready for a relationship at this point and I am pressuring her to get into a relationship. 

You should avoid activities where you don't understand/aren't any good. 

[andrewfi]

I am on vacation with a very pleasant woman. She and I are having a great time.

We will almost certainly do more of the same in the future. We might even get together more in Estonia.

There's no great expectation of a marvellous romance. I have told her that if she wants that she can tell me and we can discuss it. I am open to the idea.

It seems to me that you might have done better to act in similar fashion to me. You can tell her what you want. It is for her to make the choice. You can force nothing. Trying to do so just makes you the Asshole. This will make success far less likley.

My guess is that after a week together and having done some bum sniffing, she has a good idea of what she wants as do you. She does not want you.

You can and should continue with your life. Date other women. Enjoy their company. Learn how to do relationships. If she calls you and indicates that she has made a positive choice to explore a relationship, then, if at that time it suits you, take her up on it. If you do so, don't drop or end any other relationships to do so.

Time to be a man, time to be manly, to value yourself.

Remember, in a negotiation, when the seller makes his close, the first to speak loses. Time for the online version of SFQS - silent, friendly, questioning, stare.

Let her tell you, then you know she's made a purchase decision.

[martincop]

But the fact is that we had a relationship. Had a great time together. Things were great then the incident happened.

She won't say she doesn't want me. But she's also not ready for a relationship again because of what happened. I get that. She is telling me not to come see her because I'm telling her it's okay I still want to move forward with the relationship. A relationship is not her priority now.

I'm asking the women in here - how do we navigate this. I understand patience but how disconnected do I want to be? I want to be there and also I don't want to be a burden and stressful situation for her.  I've seen situations where the two couples stay apart and they just drift apart. I just want to be smart about this. Give her the time she needs but also stay there for her when she's in a better space to talk to me. She actually needs someone who loves her unconditionally to be there for her now. I understand being a romantic partner adds some stress to the situation. I'm trying to convince her I am good for her recovery and not an added pressure.

This is a real and mature relationship before whatever happened. She didn't find someone better. She didn't change her mind because she discovered she didn't like me. Something happened to her that was traumatic and I want to ask the women how do I go about this delicate situation.

[2tallbill]

But the fact is that we had a relationship. Had a great time together. Things were great then the incident happened.

Once an FSUW decides to move on she does. These long distance relationships
are fragile and break easily. You can't will it to work, there aren't any magic words
to fix things.

This has happened to me. The only solution is what every single person has said.
You've got to move on. The sooner you do, the sooner you will find the girl who
wants you as much as you want her.

[andrewfi]

The only way that she can be more clear is to block you on all your modes of communication. Expect that to happen if you continue to badger her with your fantasies.

[Danchik]

The first question that should be asked is "what incident"? The next is how old is she?

[andrewfi]

The first question that should be asked is "what incident"?

I confess to being curious but I don't think it is so important. It seems important to the woman, that's all I think we need to know.

My guess is he either got her pregnant or said he did, or she thinks he gave her some kind of STD.

[Texan77]

You really need to know that much hire an investigator in her country to contact her and find out if anything happened to her. Did you have her phone number of number of relatives?

[Danchik]

I believe him to be in Moscow. If he's not it doesn't change much, but it changes the situation a bit.

If he met another woman, it matters.

Moscow is an unbelievable city for men with even a modicum of game. The talent level available is also highly competitive and let you know in no uncertain terms they're available, especially since late February. A literal kid in the candy store is Moscow for newbies.

We're all in love...until we get to Moscow.

It makes for another stage of neurosis for the girls.

The distrust Moscow women and Russian women in general have for men is other level. If she let him off her "leash" for a spell for whatever reason, who knows? Maybe he planned it beforehand?

I'm just speculating about the "incident", but maybe this guy was led by his член .

But, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. I could be way off base and it's some silly "drama".

[Contrarian]

But the fact is that we had a relationship. Had a great time together. Things were great then the incident happened.

She won't say she doesn't want me. But she's also not ready for a relationship again because of what happened. I get that. She is telling me not to come see her because I'm telling her it's okay I still want to move forward with the relationship. A relationship is not her priority now.

I'm asking the women in here - how do we navigate this. I understand patience but how disconnected do I want to be? I want to be there and also I don't want to be a burden and stressful situation for her.  I've seen situations where the two couples stay apart and they just drift apart. I just want to be smart about this. Give her the time she needs but also stay there for her when she's in a better space to talk to me. She actually needs someone who loves her unconditionally to be there for her now. I understand being a romantic partner adds some stress to the situation. I'm trying to convince her I am good for her recovery and not an added pressure.

This is a real and mature relationship before whatever happened. She didn't find someone better. She didn't change her mind because she discovered she didn't like me. Something happened to her that was traumatic and I want to ask the women how do I go about this delicate situation.

Shagging for a week or two is not a relationship.

Get over it and move on to the next opportunity. 

[martincop]

I'm still hoping for some decent advice from a Russian woman.

I just want her to know she's not alone and not worthless and I am not going anywhere. She actually doesn't want to push me away. But does. And then drags me back. I understand. It's the trauma.

[Contrarian]

There was another poster named Omega1982. Any relation to this guy?

[andrewfi]

If you want a woman's input find a forum or Facebook group populated by women.

A sensible woman will tell you the same as you seem to be getting here.

What you seem to want is validation to stalk somebody who does not want to communicate with you.

Meanwhile, why not learn about relationships and how men and women get along on the real world.

[Manny]

The next is how old is she?

And how old is he?

Martin, is this the same woman I know of, or another?

[Markje]

There are only 2 options as i see it.

1. Cut your losses and find someone else

2. Get on a plane asap and ask face2face.

Note that option 2 has also a big risk of a 'proper' end.

(Proper being not kind to martin)

[martincop]

Same woman

And she's young. That is probably part of the issue. She's young.

The next is how old is she?

And how old is he?

Martin, is this the same woman I know of, or another?

[andrewfi]

There are only 2 options as i see it.

1. Cut your losses and find someone else

2. Get on a plane asap and ask face2face.

Note that option 2 has also a big risk of a 'proper' end.

(Proper being not kind to martin)

If she has said she does not want to communicate with him then flying to see her makes no sense and is, IMHO, very wrong. Of course, our hero is most unlikely to be able to meet her unless she chooses to do so.

If he were to fly across the globe to meet her and she agreed, even if they got back together he would always be in the weak position. She'd know that he 'needs' her far more than she needs or wants him. Such an inequality in desire, need, whatever will always be a deadweight on the relationship.

Sometimes it is worth listening to the people that we care about - even if we hear things we don't want to hear!

I have a suspicion that we have a very one sided 'relationship'.

Martin, there are millions of women in the world with whom you can have a long and happy relationship. There's no need to settle for one who does not want you. This isn't healthy.