Three Weeks with a Belarussian Princess in California

[justadude]

There is obviously more to the story. When I met her the other night, it was at her apartment. I had never been inside it before, and I didn't know the number. As I said, communication had gone dark for a few days. Then she called me out of the blue after I sent her a "goodbye, sorry it didn't work out, it was nice, I wish you the best" type text. She told me she had attempted suicide the day before. She had told me about a couple other previous attempts years ago.

So I drove to her place, asked the first kid I saw if he knew her kids. He showed me their apartment. I knocked and waited outside for 45 minutes, fearing the worst but also just wanting to see her. Just as I was driving away, she called me and said her and the boys were on the way to my place. So I turned around and came in her place for a while. Later I learned that during that 45 minutes she was tidying up. At that time I met her Dad, who was dropping by for a visit.

Incidentally, this girl loves sex and looks amazing naked. So I didn't get much sleep that night. The next day we took my dogs to the river. It is super fun being seen with her, and shallow on my part for thinking that. But I'm shallow! And, I think I have myself "figured out". But figuring myself out doesn't seem to make me all better.

So the boys stayed for two more nights. We worked on their garden tractor. They drove it a lot. And this is now the most important part of the story for me. These guys, especially the oldest are extremely needy in terms of attention. To get attention, they misbehave. They break things, are mean to my dogs, challenge me, defy, disobey, etc. My belief is that they did not get this way in a vacuum. Indeed, their Mom told me the oldest was rejected by the Dad. Despite this, I have heard the Dad talk kindly to them, and I guess I want to think the best of the dude, despite the bad things he's done. He has major substance abuse issues, although I think he is sober now. And to the extent he's a POS, I wonder about what he experienced as a child.

Toward the end of the evening last night I began to think I just can't do this. I want to help these kids, but at 56 maybe I just can't. Maybe it's too much for me. If I could keep them interested in building things, it might work. But they get distracted pretty easily and wander off to mess with the dogs and otherwise get into trouble. I think I could be good for them, but how long will I have to try before I start to see some results? How many tractors, recliners, tools will they break before they start to mellow out? Do I have what it takes? They need love, and I thought I could give them enough of that, but I found out my limits were much lower than I had hoped.

Some of this is just classic step parenting, something I've done a bit of before, with more success and satisfaction. And my experience as a high school teacher for 26 years helps somewhat I'd like to think. But these guys are just kind of off the rails.

I'm sure some of you have experienced this to a degree?

One theory I've developed over the years, not entirely on my own, is that the younger members of a species develop methods of getting the attention of the adults. Sometimes it's just "I"m hungry", others "it's do you see me or love me?" These guys go about sending those messages with misbehavior. They find out the things that bother me most and do them.

Their Mom leaves them alone for 10+ hours a day sometimes. Sometimes she goes to a parking lot after work and sits in her car for a couple hours because she doesn't want to go home. Then she gets home after they are asleep and cleans her apartment until 2am and lays awake until 3 or 4 then gets up at 7. Crazy and unsustainable. How could I abandon this situation? How can I not try to help?  Back to the "I'm just too old for this". Being with a hot girl is super fun but I miss my life of me and the dogs and me doing what I want. So I started to think of the times she ignores me and other justifiable reasons for bailing out.

I devised a plan to not try anymore. I dropped off the boys while she was at work, and texted her a picture of them holding a bag of burritos as I drove away. Incidentally, I don't think she is a bad Mom. She texts me to make sure I'm feeding them. She looks at them lovingly and takes pictures and video of them. And she speaks fondly of them. In fact, I kept them a second night, which I thought she would like, but she was very worried about them. I sent her a video of them saying goodnight which alleviated her concerns.

I decided I wouldn't text/call her anymore. After I went into the office for a few hours, I dropped off a wooden coaster (with "Mom" painted on it of course) I had helped the boys make for her. I had planned not to go inside or even knock. I thought she would be at work. I saw her car and was hoping not to run into her. I put the piece on the doorstep and got back into my car. As I was driving away, I am pretty sure I saw her youngest walking into the building with a man and they were carrying groceries. I'm pretty sure it wasn't her brother. As has been suggested, there might be more than one of me, as in boyfriend type guys.

She certainly has plenty of ex's. I'm not mad at her and I don't think she has lied to me. And I'm sure it helps that I don't ask a lot of questions.

On the visit before last I said I wouldn't keep the boys a night without her, because she was talking about another dude that is stalking her, a guy whom her Dad likes and wants her to pursue. I perceived that she might be seeing him so I did not offer to watch the boys. She noticed this and I told her my logic a few days later. I still didn't ask if she had seen him.

I haven't heard anything from her since 2pm. Maybe I never will. It's a sad story and I'd rather be the guy that got rejected, rather than the guy who could have helped but chose not to.

[Texan77]

Thanks for sharing the story with us. I hope everyone the best of luck. It seems she might need some serious help.

[rosco]

Boys who are a bit mad and do bad stuff to get the attention they crave.......

A hot mum who is a bit mad and does bad stuff to get the attention she craves........

You sound like a decent bloke and I appreciate you taking the time to write it all down. It's one of the more interesting reads on RUA. You're maybe just too kind or a bit naive but I'd be steering a mile clear of all of that. Rolling about with some fresh meat is lots of fun, especially when they're hot but none of that's worth it with the baggage that follows.

Don't get emotionally attached to this one, it sounds like you've been more than good with her and the boys. Time to move on for your own sake. 

[Guile]

Sounds like a nutjob. doesn't spend time with the kids. no wonder they are looking for attention.

How long has she been in the states for?

[andrewfi]

Whatever your condition, you don't need this.
Yeah, sex is a core competency. It's a way to bind a man.

Sex is easy to get but unless that's what you're after it's a not worth sticking with people who live chaotic lives.

So, now you know, in part, what those unexplained days are. Betcha there's a deal of errrmmm, 'self medication' going on during the blackout days.

Oh, and don't think for one second that being 'the good man' obligates you to do anything for that family other than connecting them with social services if you think the kids are suffering from their mother's inability to manage her family.

I have dealt with a woman who was quite similar to what you have described even including the suicide stuff. At least she was sensible enough to not breed!

While I don't regret my time with her, I'd not suggest anyone else emulate me. Apart from anything else it wastes years of my life that could've been spent in a more productive relationship.

[AvHdB]

Run Forest, Run!

[andrewfi]

Absolutely avhdb. There's no win here. But I am sure that our hero's training as a therapist/counselor has already told him that much.

[Contrarian]

Run Forest, Run!

Two thumbs up!

[justadude]

While I don't regret my time with her, I'd not suggest anyone else emulate me. Apart from anything else it wastes years of my life that could've been spent in a more productive relationship.

I like that you can look back, without regret. I believe that it is often possible to find value in past relationships. Maybe there was pain, but it was a part of your life that you lived. "If you're given the chance to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance" -Lee Ann Womack

[Manny]

She told me she had attempted suicide the day before. She had told me about a couple other previous attempts years ago.

My advice, as others have noted (it's an old forum line) is, "Run, Forrest, Run!"

This girl is a project at best. Stay with her and you'll be her social worker.

So I drove to her place, asked the first kid I saw if he knew her kids. He showed me their apartment. I knocked and waited outside for 45 minutes, fearing the worst but also just wanting to see her. Just as I was driving away, she called me and said her and the boys were on the way to my place. So I turned around and came in her place for a while. Later I learned that during that 45 minutes she was tidying up. At that time I met her Dad, who was dropping by for a visit.

Games and social work.

Incidentally, this girl loves sex and looks amazing naked. So I didn't get much sleep that night.

Troubled girls often fall into this camp. It's like a Ying and Yang thing. Andrewfi - I'm sure he won't mind me mentioning - has a lot of experience with a woman not too dissimilar to this you are describing. Listen to his thoughts.

It is super fun being seen with her, and shallow on my part for thinking that. But I'm shallow! And, I think I have myself "figured out". But figuring myself out doesn't seem to make me all better.

Don't beat yourself up on that. We are all blokes.

So the boys stayed for two more nights. We worked on their garden tractor. They drove it a lot. And this is now the most important part of the story for me. These guys, especially the oldest are extremely needy in terms of attention. To get attention, they misbehave. They break things, are mean to my dogs, challenge me, defy, disobey, etc. My belief is that they did not get this way in a vacuum. Indeed, their Mom told me the oldest was rejected by the Dad. Despite this, I have heard the Dad talk kindly to them, and I guess I want to think the best of the dude, despite the bad things he's done. He has major substance abuse issues, although I think he is sober now. And to the extent he's a POS, I wonder about what he experienced as a child.

He is still on the scene. You are injecting yourself into another family here. Its a troubled and dysfunctional one, but it seems like the song is still playing.

Toward the end of the evening last night I began to think I just can't do this. I want to help these kids, but at 56 maybe I just can't. Maybe it's too much for me. If I could keep them interested in building things, it might work. But they get distracted pretty easily and wander off to mess with the dogs and otherwise get into trouble. I think I could be good for them, but how long will I have to try before I start to see some results? How many tractors, recliners, tools will they break before they start to mellow out? Do I have what it takes? They need love, and I thought I could give them enough of that, but I found out my limits were much lower than I had hoped.

This is your gut feeling poking through. Listen to it.

Some of this is just classic step parenting, something I've done a bit of before, with more success and satisfaction. And my experience as a high school teacher for 26 years helps somewhat I'd like to think. But these guys are just kind of off the rails.

I'm sure some of you have experienced this to a degree?

I was in a relationship for a decade in a step father role to two lads. I had a good relationship with their Dad. The mother was also troubled. Less than yours, but she had her issues. The point about FSU women is we seek them to avoid all this kind of shite.

Sometimes she goes to a parking lot after work and sits in her car for a couple hours because she doesn't want to go home. Then she gets home after they are asleep and cleans her apartment until 2am and lays awake until 3 or 4 then gets up at 7. Crazy and unsustainable. How could I abandon this situation? How can I not try to help?  Back to the "I'm just too old for this". Being with a hot girl is super fun but I miss my life of me and the dogs and me doing what I want. So I started to think of the times she ignores me and other justifiable reasons for bailing out.

Again, do you want to be her social worker? Boy meets girl shouldnt be this hard. She has issues. Even the husband seems happy to have you take the strain for a while......

She texts me to make sure I'm feeding them. She looks at them lovingly and takes pictures and video of them. And she speaks fondly of them. In fact, I kept them a second night, which I thought she would like, but she was very worried about them. I sent her a video of them saying goodnight which alleviated her concerns.

Even crap mothers with issues love their kids.

As has been suggested, there might be more than one of me, as in boyfriend type guys.

She certainly has plenty of ex's. I'm not mad at her and I don't think she has lied to me. And I'm sure it helps that I don't ask a lot of questions.

Here you are losing control of the situation. Did you ever get a handle on the "off grid" stuff?

On the visit before last I said I wouldn't keep the boys a night without her, because she was talking about another dude that is stalking her, a guy whom her Dad likes and wants her to pursue. I perceived that she might be seeing him so I did not offer to watch the boys. She noticed this and I told her my logic a few days later. I still didn't ask if she had seen him.

So here is Mr "off grid". The other boyfriend.

I haven't heard anything from her since 2pm. Maybe I never will. It's a sad story and I'd rather be the guy that got rejected, rather than the guy who could have helped but chose not to.

Dude, unless you want to be her lifelong social worker, babysitter, bloke she runs back to when other blokes have "abused" her, ATM, step father with few benefits, et al. Walk away. In fact, run away.

There's a reason she is available. She's broken. Unless you want an expensive repair project with no warranty, dont be the daft bloke who tries to fix her. It will end in tears. The world is full of nice, normal women without all those hang ups.

You'll her from her again within a week.

[andrewfi]

Yup Manny, no problem mentioning the woman. I alluded to her myself.

There's no win here and this one is sprogged up and maintaining relationships with at least two other guys. Our hero is the third (at best).

Best suggestion, go and have good sex with some woman off Tinder. That's not hard to do. Because from what you've said, that's all she puts on the table. That's not enough. But horny, lonely guys don't understand that.

Also, if you're 56, you're too old for her. Somebody will say that I'm a hypocrite in saying that but you don't even have the benefit of having similar life needs or similar stage of life. Stick with her and she will announce she's pregnant and you'll be babysitting yet another kid who is not yours. And you'll be paying for it while trying to 'sell' her to some other mug.

[AvHdB]

Toward the end of the evening last night I began to think I just can't do this. I want to help these kids, but at 56 maybe I just can't. Maybe it's too much for me. If I could keep them interested in building things, it might work. But they get distracted pretty easily and wander off to mess with the dogs and otherwise get into trouble. I think I could be good for them, but how long will I have to try before I start to see some results? How many tractors, recliners, tools will they break before they start to mellow out? Do I have what it takes? They need love, and I thought I could give them enough of that, but I found out my limits were much lower than I had hoped.

Some of this is just classic step parenting, something I've done a bit of before, with more success and satisfaction. And my experience as a high school teacher for 26 years helps somewhat I'd like to think. But these guys are just kind of off the rails.

I'm sure some of you have experienced this to a degree?

One theory I've developed over the years, not entirely on my own, is that the younger members of a species develop methods of getting the attention of the adults. Sometimes it's just "I"m hungry", others "it's do you see me or love me?" These guys go about sending those messages with misbehavior. They find out the things that bother me most and do them.

I devised a plan to not try anymore. I dropped off the boys while she was at work, and texted her a picture of them holding a bag of burritos as I drove away. Incidentally, I don't think she is a bad Mom. She texts me to make sure I'm feeding them. She looks at them lovingly and takes pictures and video of them. And she speaks fondly of them.

She certainly has plenty of ex's. I'm not mad at her and I don't think she has lied to me. And I'm sure it helps that I don't ask a lot of questions.

Unless you enjoy 'Pro Bono' work it would be best to follow your will and the suggestions already made. I assume ms. Minsk knows of your education and background. If she has not explained she has some issues and in the interest of a healthy and sane future I/we need to work on them. You will be Sisyphos. (The guy with the bolder).

The boys are at a stage that without support from the biological parent and clearly defined boundaries and rewards you have only seen skirmishes. The war is coming and it will not be pretty.

The reality is that the mother is going to pass her sell by date and that will be shocking for her.

[Contrarian]

The former fiancé who he paid off to go back to Ukraine is looking very angelic right about now. 

[andrewfi]

Yeah, hut at least this time he's got one who is 'pre-insaned' the hard work is all done for him this time round!

[Contrarian]

Yeah, hut at least this time he's got one who is 'pre-insaned' the hard work is all done for him this time round!

 

(didn’t he admit to causing a previous Belarus lady mental problems?)

[andrewfi]

Yeah, he had to do the 'insaning' at least twice in the past.
He's moving up the value chain now. Going for the rare ready-made version.

[Texan77]

The question in my mind is this girl able to love anyone? This includes herself. I have an tendency to want to take on projects. It is one of my long list of faults that I try to reframe from. But this one does not at all appeal to me even if I were available because I do not get the feeling that she would ever love me. 

This was my thought also. He gets rid of the girl that seemed to be prefect and then wants this one. This is not a accident and this is telling us something about his personally. Maybe he has some need to be a therapist to his lover. I am afraid he might of bit off more than he can chew here.   

[BillyB]

I once dated a Belarussian woman in the States. When I asked her for a second date, she must've not seen me as a man she'd want to marry so she made a proposal. She told me she's in college and she doesn't care about the dinners and entertainment and if I give her what it would cost, she'd give me what I want.

Justadude, your girl may be a friends with benefits kind of woman. You're a single man and you aren't in a relationship with anyone. Figure it out.

[Danchik]

Justadude,

You seem like a nice guy, too nice maybe. Here's my advice; look after #1 first and foremost. Good luck.

[Twinky]

Justadude,

You seem like a nice guy, too nice maybe

and too greed for hot girl

[andrewfi]

Justadude,

You seem like a nice guy, too nice maybe

and too greed for hot girl

In the Russian sense of the word, quite possibly!

[Twinky]

In the Russian sense of the word, quite possibly!

Oh, ok in western sense of the word it would sound as: seem like a greed for hot girl guy, too greed maybe

[justadude]

No communication either way for 9 days (but who’s counting, haha). Then look who shows up at the office. So being the super strong guy I am I had sex with her and took her to dinner😂

No promises or even guesses about what happens next

[andrewfi]

You might want to learn about BPD.

You might want to learn why you are attracted to women who signal they are open to abusive relationships.

Not making any accusations here but noting that one piece of information is a data point. Two pieces of information show a trend. A third piece of information can confirm or break that trend.

[andrewfi]

In the Russian sense of the word, quite possibly!

Oh, ok in western sense of the word it would sound as: seem like a greed for hot girl guy, too greed maybe

When I speak of the Russian sense of the word greedy, I mean that the meaning for Russian speakers seems to include the idea of being selfish, not will to share what one has - money, food, time etc.

In the English usage, greedy is about taking more than one's share of a resource.

So, as I see it the difference in the Russian context is that a greedy person keeps what he has and won't allow others to benefit from a resource. In the English-speaking sense it is about taking too much of a commonly held resource.

So, in our hero's case, by being greedy he was not generous with his companions. Unwilling to share time or money that he had. We know that he has this tendency because he told us about it.

I can understand that a woman would find this an unattractive trait in a man who was expected, at least to some degree, to be a provider and support for her.