Russian, Ukrainian & FSU Information & Manosphere Discussion Forums
Dating & Marriage With Women From Russia, Ukraine, Belarus & FSU => Dating in the FSU and Other Countries => Topic started by: mendeleyev on October 26, 2007, 04:49:41 AM
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A ZAGS wedding is pretty much a "cookie cutter" operation with some common threads running thru the process. However depending on the size and modern facilities of your city/region, naturally there are also some variances. But the common thread remains and a ZAGS wedding is therefore easy to understand once you know it's purpose and traditions. It's just that the process if different from what we experience in the west. But it only seems mysterious. Soon you'll know more that you wanted to about a ZAGS/RAGS wedding.
We've begun, and will continue to add more, of some of the more common traditions. Hopefully in short order we'll have information about Ukrainian wedding towels, Russian wedding bread, ransom of the bride, bread dipped in salt/vinegar and honey, specific toasts, kissing etiquette and other Slavic wedding traditions.
To begin, ZAGS (RAGS in Ukraine) is the civil registry office. Those folks know everything--from birthdates to deaths to divorces and from the date you got your university diploma to your drivers license. They keep records of when your children were born, and where. They even know when your Uncle Boris was released from prison. Heck, they are a fountain of knowledge. Well, at least that was the idea when it started. But ZAGS is most famous for weddings. It's where you get a wedding permit and where (in an official wedding palace) your civil (legal) wedding will take place.
By international treaty a marriage in Russia is legal in every western country. So is a divorce.
Many Russian ladies want a church wedding also. We'll explore that in detail soon but for now it's enough to understand that a church wedding in Russia or Ukraine is not a legal wedding. To complicate matters many Russian women believe that while a civil state wedding is legal, it has no validity in the eyes of God. So like most Russian/Ukrainian couples you may be enjoying not one, but two ceremonies for your wife to feel like you are married for real. With that in mind we'll also be posting some videos along with explanations about Orthodox weddings very soon.
Wedding Videos....
Hard to imagine a Russian ZAGS (or Ukrainian RAGS) wedding without a video ordered along with the ceremony. In this edition we'll look at some general Russian/Ukrainian wedding videos from civil ceremonies. You can be sure that the camera is everywhere from almost every angle in a civil wedding. You can order from the yellow pages (yes there is such a thing in Russia) or you can order it when you first make arrangements at the local ZAGS/RAGS offices.
(Because so much is involved in an Orthodox wedding we'll explore that ceremony in a later edition.)
Once edited back at a professional studio, these videos show the important highlights of the wedding ceremony, the reception dinner, and the couple's traditional stop at a city square/statue/monument/park for the first toast after the ceremony.
Here we will sample several Russian/Ukrainian wedding videos. The first one is one of the most professional (and romantic) wedding clips I've witnessed:
Notes:
1) This couple combined scenes from two ceremonies and also the restaurant reception. The two ceremonies take place at the Moscow ZAGS and the church wedding ceremony from one of the smaller chapels inside Christ the Saviour Cathedral.
2) They stopped at a park (it looks like the Alexander Gardens just outside the Kremlin, but I'm not 100% certain) after leaving the wedding for a Rus/Ukr tradition, to make the "first toast." They released white doves, a favourite Russian wedding tradition (butterflies are popular also).
3) Did you catch two ring exchanges in the video? The first was when the priest placed the wedding rings on their hands in the church ceremony. The second was the very next scene...at ZAGS where the the rings are placed on a little round ceremonial table and the bride and groom give each other the rings during that event. Wedding rings in the FSU are worn on the right hand, not on the left like in the USA.
You notice that it is very rare for a local wedding to include an Engagement ring--those are primarily an western invention--imported to Russia when western men travel and not realizing that they're not necessary. My wife said it would feel out of place on her hand--she didn't want one.
4) The wearing of crowns in the church--will be covered in an edition about Orthodox weddings.
5) Nice limo! Took them to the centre of the city. The Savoy is one of Moscow's finest restaurants and where they arrived for their reception on Rozhdestvenka street.
6) They used the central ZAGS in downtown, in the prestigious Palace of Weddings on Butyrskaya Street...the very same Wedding Palace where the beautiful Mrs Mendeleyeev and I were married.
7) The flowers handed to them is a tradition. It happens at ZAGS in a receiving line after the ZAGS/RAGS ceremony.
Traditions: On the wedding day the groom travels to the bride's home and in many cases must "ransom" her from her family (I'll write about that in great detail on a later post). The groom "receives" his bride from the parents and then they travel together to ZAGS (usually the entire family travels with you). Upon arrival registration is completed, documents signed and final fees paid. Friends and family gather and the traditional walk up the wide staircase (or thru a great hallway) is made and photographed. Then there is usually a wait and finally the wedding attendants (ZAGS employees) gather everyone for the great entrance into the ceremony hall. The doors swing open, the music begins and bride and groom lead their party inside for the ceremony.
A Russian/Ukrainian wedding tradition is rent a bus (or carpool) so that the entire wedding party can follow the couple after the ZAGS/RAGS ceremony. First stop after leaving ZAGS is a tradition of the city or the family. A popular square or park or landmark is chosen and the entire group will stop there for photos and the "first" toast to the couple. Just watch:
From there the couple and the entire party continue on to the reception dinner party:
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Jim
Are you making some Hints for ChrisM or anybody else?
:laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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Wiz, Cupid handed over quite a long list...and yours was on it too! :saint:
What's it like at a Russian wedding party? Well, come on baby, light my fire!
Ah, the joys of dancing at a Russian wedding. Men with men and ladies with ladies. Professional belly dancers! A pre-rehearsed dance you and your bride will perform for your guests. Your first dance with your MIL, then with the grandmothers, aunts and her cousins. If you don't like to dance, then better find an excuse not to attend your own wedding!
"Калинка" is often sung at wedding parties. At this imaginary wedding party in Moscow, with the lights of the Kremlin softly accenting the background, famous Belgian singer Helmut Lotti performs a rousing version with the wedding party singing along in true Russian fashion."
May your wedding be a "one-take" event with no edits needed for the rest of your lives!
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Oh dear
looks i have to get out my beggin hat and try my luck.......
Did you know next year is a leap year?
good excuse to get out of your evil plan.... :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:
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. To complicate matters many Russian women believe that while a civil state wedding is legal, it has no validity in the eyes of God. So like most Russian/Ukrainian couples you may be enjoying not one, but two ceremonies for your wife to feel like you are married for real
I had a ZAGS wedding and my ex-wife didn't press me to get married in a Orthodox church like she did with her previous husband. Of course I married a GCG.
Maxx
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Great thread "Mendeleyev,"!! I can't wait for the Orthodox ceremony installment.
ECR844
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Maxx, I'm sorry about what happened in your situation. I've read as you've posted about it and can feel that you have been deeply wounded.
No plan is foolproof. It might seem that one of the reasons why she didn't care to validate your marriage like she did her first, was out of fear, a fear of what God would think of her if she had a church wedding when her intentions were dishonest. Quite illogical on her part because God does judge dishonest intentions.
It is my hope that learning about these traditions, including both the religious and non-religious ceremonies, will make our members wiser and more prepared for both the potential pitfalls, and also for the joys of relating to a RW/UW in ways that other men can't. In other words, give our guys a head start--a "leg up" on any potential competition for her heart.
Maxx, thanks for being a part of the journey.
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In thinking about Russian/Ukrainian wedding traditions obvious we must remember that not every tradition is practiced by every family. Some are practiced in certain regions or only within specific ethnic or national groups. So we'll try to touch on some of the more popular and hopefully along the way have assistance and guidance from the ladies on this forum...after all, they are the real experts.
Let's also keep in mind that even common traditions have different practices depending on the family, region, etc. Take what you can use, always consult with your lady before trying to make her fit into a practice she doesn't like, and hope that we can learn something here to make our members more confident in understanding about Rus/Ukr weddings in general.
Always remember that weddings are a very joyful, but equally serious matter to your lady. She will marry you and travel far away from her homeland. She is giving up everything to be with you. Silly practices such as rubbing cake in her face, etc, may be viewed as funny in America (I personally don't understand why), but trust me, she nor her family will view such stunts as funny. Be a gentleman to her and treat her family with dignity and respect...they will love and accept you for it.
We'll start off with a story I call "Fools Rush In:"
A few years ago (the then-future) Mrs Mendeleyeva and I were walking along a street and there was wedding shop. We had been courting for months and the topic of marriage had surfaced. It would be safe to say that her family knew we were talking about it, but I had not taken the formal step of asking her family about marriage.
We had just walked past the door to a wedding store near the area of Moscow's new Park Pobedy metro station. On an impulse I had pulled her inside and began to look at various dresses. I was so foolish that it did not yet occur to me that she was hanging back, very quietly.
Suddenly a saleslady descended on me like a protective vulture and in her loud voice instructed me not to touch the dresses and to go stand near the door. I wasn't happy but complied. It was then that I noticed my beautiful soulmate. Head down, she apologized to the saleslady, took me by the hand and quietly but firmly guided me out the store.
We were quiet for a bit as we walked until finally I broke the silence by asking what had gone wrong. I had seen what appeared to be "new Russian" men and their girlfriends in such stores and wondered why I had gotten such different treatment? Was my money any different? If Russian men can go into such a store and touch the dresses, what custom or protocol had I broken?
Anyone who knows my wife will tell you that she is spirited, confident, out-going, funny, likes to be around people, etc. But in a somber voice she asked why I had rushed in like a fool but had not yet shown her family the courtesy of asking for their blessing to marry her.
Ouch! She had nailed me right between the eyes. I can't tell you that every lady would react this way, but to her it was a matter of respect and family tradition.
And so today we will tackle that very important task: Ways to ask for her hand in marriage.
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Some fantastic information from you as usual Jim and I look forward to hearing the rest of "Fools Rush In:" story ;)
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One specific tradition is for the groom to take 1 or 2 older witnesses/spokespersons on his behalf to meet with her parents. Typically they are his father or uncles or grandfather, etc. In the Ukrainian scenario the groom and his representatives take a very good quality bottle of vodka, a loaf of special bread, and a present of flowers for her mother. (More on wedding towels and bread later.)
When they meet the family the young man remains quiet. Her parents have already gotten to know him during the courtship period. Now the groom's representatives will speak to her father and mother on his behalf. They will assure the parents that the groom has a job, a place to live, has proven he can manage his income to provide for their daughter, and is prepared to accept the responsibility of marriage and of raising future children.
A friend from Las Vegas knew the importance of respecting the traditions of his Ukrainian lady's family. On his trip over to "pop the question" he stopped first in Italy and picked up his elderly Uncle to be his representative. Now, my friend was already over 50 himself! Her family was so impressed that he had brought a representative and remarked that it proved to them that he would take the time to care and understand her and they felt honoured to accept the marriage proposal.
Her parents know the purpose of the meeting so the answer is likely to be yes! At that time the father will speak to the groom for the first time. Mama will appear with the bread cut up in slices, the bride will make her appearance, and the vodka will start flowing in toasts! Mama and the bride will unveil 3 wedding towels which were sewn especially for this occasion.
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In Ukrainian tradition, and sometimes Russian, the wedding towels will be used to tie the wrists of the bride and groom together. Rich in symbolism:
1) The young couple has united two families, the two families are now bound as one.
2) The bride/groom are now to be considered as inseparable. They are promised and bound to each other and will begin planning for a wedding.
3) The towels will bind their wrists during the wedding reception party...they will eat, drink, and dance while tied together.
4) After the wedding these towels will be stored for future use as the ceremonial baptismal towels for their children.
5) Often there is a separate towel, very long, for the couple to stand on during the ZAGS/RAGS ceremony and at certain points during the wedding party.
Mrs Mendeleyeev and I had a wedding towel holding us together at the start of our wedding reception party.
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More symbolism:
Why 3 towels? Think first of the Christian Trinity and this couple will be blessed in a wedding sacrament by the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. Also think of the union of families. Two families have come together to produce a third which takes the best of each in creating a new family unit.
Soon we'll take about that special bread. What does it mean? But first, what if the answer from Papa is
no?
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What if Papa says no!
In most cases if you get to meet with her parents for this important tradition of asking the question, the answer will be likely be yes!
But can her family say no? Yes! Sorry, I couldn't resist that sentence construction. :-[
Most of us don't realize how much input, and influence, her family has in this decision. Regardless of her age. That is unlike our western culture where we are used to making our own decisions and informing our families of important decisions we've already made.
Very likely she will (did I already mention the phrase "regardless of her age?") not only accept, but she will actively seek input from her family. Her parents, her brothers, her sisters, cousins, uncles, aunts, grandparents will likely be consulted. It's so foreign to our way of thinking that we don't even realize it as it happens.
So is there a chance Papa (or Mama) will say no? Yes, but not likely, especially since he considers you to be a wealthy westerner who will have plenty of resources to care for his daughter. Now, I would be remiss if failing to mention that there is a tradition where her family could present you with a pumpkin if the answer is no. If you've been a responsible man during the process you won't have worry about coming home with nothing but a pumpkin.
Stack the deck in your favour: Instead of meeting her at the airport for the first time and then whisking her off to a pre-mature and unrealistic "honeymoon" down in Crimea with someone you just met, hang around. Spend time with her family like a local RM/UM would do, meet her extended family, and get to know her friends and see how she lives in her neighborhood. You can have that honeymoon after you really know who she is.
Who knows, if some local guy has a desire for her hand, or if another guy has been writing her on the internet, you may need to cultivate those relationships and collect those votes.
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I can't tell you that every lady would react this way, but to her it was a matter of respect and family tradition.
As usual Mendeleyev your posts are informative interesting and a pleasure to read.
I had to ask my now MIL for permission to marry Yulia. At first I thought it was just some cute quaint little custom in which her Mama would just rubber stamp the union. WRONG!! Yulia told me that if her Mama said no than we would not get married :o
Thank God her Mama said yes. I did sweat like a whore in Church waiting for her blessing
DonAz
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We want to accomplish something in this story: A logical sequence of events leading from the time you propose, to the day you step inside ZAGS, and some of you may continue on to an Orthodox church ceremony. So, we'll include the more prominent traditions hopefully in about the order of which they'll come into play as you go thru this process.
Marriage to a RW/UW will take some planning. Do you have a plan? How long will you court her? When will you file your documents? Will you marry there and then bring her home, or will you bring her home and then marry? You might wish to include her in your planning process! When will you ask her/her family? How and where will you do so? It will take some planning. Step one is getting her input.
So let's talk about why you should have a strategy...a plan.
They call it Gray October in Russia.
The first days of October 1993 posed a test of democracy in Russia. Significant changes had been taking place in the Russian economy and society. It was a time of transition and often that transition was rough. In early September a group of Duma (parliment) members began to show signs of revolt. These members of the Duma were primarily a coalition of ultra nationalistic and pro-Communist groups and they had endured enough of democracy. Russian President Yeltsin had finally had enough of them, too. He dissolved parliament and begin to make preparations for new Duma elections.
Vowing a return to centralized control of the economy and a return of Soviet Union style governance, instead of going home, some members of parliament boarded up the White House (Russia's seat of Parliament and Ministry departments) and vowed a hunger strike. Yeltsin responded by turning off their water and electricity. A siege was on.
That strike threatened to derail Russia's infant experiment in democracy and freedom. There was talk of the Armed Forces being split along ideological lines. Russia's young democracy appeared to be in trouble.
The opposition knew that it was important to control communications and some citizens and military troops almost took over the nation's primary communications facility, the Ostankino TV tower. You can see this tower from many homes in Moscow. The third tallest structure in the world, the Ostankino TV tower reaches into the sky at 540 meters.
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What makes it so important? Almost all of Russia's national and local communications facilities begin their "over-the-airwaves" communications from this tower. And it's not just a tower sitting out in a field. In the midst of the city, the tower is part of a surrounding large communications complex: National radio networks and local radio stations. TV networks and local TV stations. Short-wave. Satellite. Mobile cell phone communications. And Moscow region police, fire and military communications.
Gain control of a country's communications and you will gain control of the country. As the days of the Duma strike continued thru September and stretched toward October, Yeltsin's opposition battled for control of the Ostankino facility.
Despite knowing that take-over of the country's communications could endanger his movement, the number of troops securing the facility was left at only a handful. Certainly not enough to defend against a hostile takeover attempt.
However, having intelligence that a strike or coup was possible, Yeltsin and his staff had a plan on how to temporarily secure the tower until loyal troops could arrive to defend the facility if attacked. Using an interesting twist on history, they relied on key lessons which Soviet military leaders had learned from the 300 day siege of Stalingrad (modern-day Volvograd) by German troops during WWII. That disaster which had cost Russia so from indecision, lack of materials, and sloppy/delayed responses in defending the city; had also cost Hitler the loss of German General-Marshall Paulus and the entire German Sixth Army. It was a battle ripe in lessons for future use.
Yeltsin's plan relied on 3 things:
1) Good intelligence about the other side.
2) Exact advance placement of materials and supplies (critical in an urban environment).
3) A plan which called for precise timing/rapid response and immediate decision-making in the event of a crisis.
Meanwhile back down at the Moscow River, the White House was burning. You undoubtedly saw the photos and television newsreels of tanks firing on the burning Russian White House. By the afternoon of October 2 and the following morning, Russia was in a state of crisis.
By 7:30 pm on the evening of October 3rd, the number of pro-Communist demonstrators had swelled. At one point a large number of them broke off in a planned attack on Ostankino. Obviously the opposition also knew the value of the massive Ostankino communications facility. Several hundred troops loyal to the Communists joined the street march to take over the tower. Official figures put the total number of marchers and attackers at approximately 4,000 to 5,000 persons, including opposition troops with armored vehicles and grenade launchers.
Initially fewer than 50 loyal defenders were stationed around the Ostankino complex. Fortunately for Mr Yeltsin his preplanning worked, but barely. His small troops almost ran out of ammunition and the backup plan failed to materialize. Several hundred troops arrived days later but not before the opposition had taken over the first 3 main floors of the facility. Sadly, there were causalities including civilian marchers and bystanders in the ensuing battle for control of the Tower.
Yeltsin almost failed on #3 above, but his pre-planning paid off. Damage was heavy to the Tower complex as dasy later the smoke rose from burned vehicles and blasted out nearby offices and apartment buildings. By October 5 the tower attacks had been repelled and the opposition holed up in the White House had begun to surrender and President Yeltsin was still in power.
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Oh, and what does all this have to do with ZAGS and Russian weddings? Fair question and here's the answer:
Planning is everything.
Had not Yeltsin's small defender force not been prepared, they'd have been forced to surrender the entire tower and with it the entire communications system of Russia. It was bad enough that several TV networks went off the air during the fighting.
But they had already practiced and knew what to do, necessary supplies and equipment were in place and Yeltsin's defenders were prepared.
Look again at the 3 key lessons learned from the battle of Stalingrad. Find anything useful you can adapt to help bring your sweetheart home?
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Very often
1 The couple stand on a Wedding towel during the liturgy.
2 They held sacred white candles which represent new life and new beginnings. Also represent a sweet aroma in worship. Did you notice the wedding towel they hand wrapped around their hands near the beginning?
3 At the very entrance to the church the couple is "betrothed' (engaged). That is when they exchange wedding rings. Engagement rings are not normal in Slavic culture--don't waste your money.
4 The priest had them kiss the rings then put them on their hands immediately. The couple is betrothed at the beginning and then they go thru the sacramental service before being declared to be man and wife.
Here is a quick clip of an Orthodox service. Notice that the couple is bound together with a wedding towel. The priest removes it at the beginning of the ceremony. They will put it on again for travel to the wedding dinner party.
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Wedding bread: This tradition is more Ukrainian in nature but don't be surprised to find that your RW finds it's part of her wedding plans also. In a traditional home the bread is either made by the bride's family but in some cases the family each makes bread and then exchanges it with each other.
Perhaps the most common way you as a western man will experience Russian or Ukrainian wedding bread is at the reception dinner/wedding party. BTW, your bride will likely use these or similiar terms when describing the 3 events of your marriage. She will speak of the ZAGS wedding as the "civil" wedding. She will speak of the church ceremony as her "church wedding. The party or dinner will be termed as simply "the wedding." It may not seem like much but when planning for those events it will be helpful if you understand the English terms she uses...so you'll know specifically which event she is talking about.
The bread is an old Jewish idea which made it's way into Christian wedding traditions in the East centuries ago. It is a very beautiful symbol of love and the beauty of two families joining together to form a new third family which is still connected to the original two.
Sometime close to the beginning of "the wedding" (she means the reception dinner) you will be approached by a priest, a parent or an elder relative. They will carry a large tray with a loaf of bread. On that tray will be a small container of honey and a container of salt. (In some family traditions the salt might be mixed with vinegar or garlic.) Each of you will break off a piece of bread, dip in in the honey and then the salt, and eat it.
Symbols:
1 The two are now one. You each from the same loaf. All things in life are now shared.
2 In your life there will be sweet, joyful and happy times (the honey).
3 In your lives there will be sorrow and sad times (the salt/bitter vinegar or garlic).
4 But in all things you will share life together in common, both the sweet and the sad.
In some traditons you will feed each other, noting that now you are dependent on each other for even the basic things (like bread) in your marriage.
Most traditions add a fun side to the wedding bread, claiming that whoever breaks off the biggest piece will be the leader in the home.
Below are some wedding bread photos. As you can see they range from the ordinary to the ornate!
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When we return it will be time to go to ZAGS! (Or RAGS if in Ukraine.) So here is your assignment: You need to arrange transportation. For everyone. They will all, and we do mean ALL, be going with you. I'd suggest a carpool or rent a small bus (quite common).
And while you're at it stop by the ATM because your bride has been kidnapped and you must ransom her or this wedding will never get off the ground!
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When we left the story "Fools Rush In" you may remember that I had not yet asked her family for permission to marry. Soon after our experience in the wedding dress store I inquired as to how her family should be approached. She informed me that I would need a representative, someone who knew me well. Her family was hoping that my brother would fly to Moscow to be my representative.
Well my brother runs a small business and it was not possible at the time for him to make such a trip. So it was suggested that I ask a gentleman who was at that time director of foreign press at the Russian Foreign Ministry. He knew me and we saw each other on occasion. Then there was the matter of "chain of command." As a journalist my visa was granted by this man's department. Would there be any future conflicts of interest to put my career or ability to report in jeopardy?
I reasoned that if this gentleman's name had been suggested then it was a safe bet that he had already been approached by the family. If I failed to ask him to do this honour, would he be offended? So I decided to seek counsel of my mentor, a fellow journalist stationed in Prague. Ray and I had been in the network together for over 20 years and he was about 15 years older. Ray was familiar with Russia and I felt comfortable sharing my thoughts with him.
Ray's advice was to put a plan together which would cover all the bases. Remember Yeltsin's plan we mentioned earlier? Step one is to gather intelligence and continue to monitor it. So I made an appointment and sat down with the distinguished gentleman her family had recommended. As suspected he had been approached and would be happy to serve as my representative (thus assuring me that the answer from her family would be yes!) however he also, had concerns about any future implications and instructed me to consult with my Network's legal office in New York before he would feel comfortable making such a commitment.
That had been one of my co-journalist Ray's recommendations and was already on my list. So I stayed up late one night in order to contact the legal beagles in NY. I called but the lead counsel for Eastern European affairs was not in. I forced myself to stay awake and called again. He was still out and his staff didn't know the exact time of his return. I declined leaving a message fearing that it would raise concerns about whether I was in trouble or had caused some sort of problem for the network, so the fewer people who knew about my call--the better--was my reasoning. So the next night a very tired Mendeleyev repeated the routine. No luck.
Night number 3 came along and I was so tired from having to work a full schedule and staying up to the early hours in the morning. But night number 3 met with success--at least in reaching the person desired. After explaining the situation the instructions were to stand by the phone for an hour for a return call. I brewed some coffee. Those who know me understand that Mendeleyev is the rarest of journalists because I don't normally drink that black elixir, jet fuel of journalists, the mean black bean. Tea is my thing, but on this night I rummaged thru the shelf until that little jar of instant coffee was located.
Kept only for the occasional guest, there was plenty in the little jar. I needed a jolt so one cup of hot water and roughly 3-4 tablespoons later it was 'Houston, we have liftoff.' Well, for about 20 minutes or so. The phone startled me out of a light sleep as I sat on the sofa. The answer was what I had feared: A lecture about "personal romantic entanglements" while on the job, especially when the job is a journalistic posting in the capital of the former Soviet Union. After the predictable lecture was the other answer: No, you may not drag a Minister of government into your personal quest for romance when that Minister has direct authority over the granting of visas for our journalists.
The coffee had failed to keep me awake. The answer did.
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My (future) bride and her immediate family had taken the train down to their summer dacha in southern Russia. They had invited me to come down and join them but the date for my departure was still two weeks away. And perhaps that was good because at this point I needed some time to think.
The lecture from the other end of the phone had come pretty close to questioning my qualifications to remain in the post. Had I allowed personal emotions to overcome good common journalistic sense? Was this a "wake up call" to bring me back to reality?
In a weekly coop meeting of western press members an opportunity was presented for a group of reporters to cover the announcement of trade treaties in Kazakhstan. Rather boring stuff but I needed to get out of Moscow for a few days, so up went my hand to volunteer.
The trip down was on a crowded train and things were much too noisy to think. I hated myself for volunteering. The stench of body odor and the constant rocking motion of the train made me want to turn back for Moscow. In platzkart (third class) berths which on this train had upper and lower bench/bunks but no compartment doors it was so crowded and noisy with folks leaving Moscow for their dachas that I got no sleep the first night. But once we crossed the border it was much quieter. Same old body odor, sans the noise. Finally I slept almost until we reached Astana.
Astana is a very modern city these days, well as modern as a city can be when horses are tied up along with parked cars in front of a 15 story glass office tower, (those days are gone now) Astana is the capital Kazakhstan, a former Soviet state.
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The ladies are beautiful with those Asian features blended from years of intermarriage with their white Slavic neighbors. Approximately 45% of Kazakhstan’s population is Slavic Orthodox. The over-abundance of beautiful ladies only made me think of the woman I loved. I sat thru a series of incredibly boring meetings and press conferences, doodling her name on my notepad. I sketched her name in English and Cyrillic. I did it in capital letters and small letters, in block, in cursive, upside down, sideways, and in every direction.
At the end of one particular meeting in which I should have been listening and taking notes, a fellow reporter from a large newspaper group in California handed me his notepad and said something which amounted to "we're going for a beer. You might wish to make a copy of my notes back at the hotel." Thank goodness for comrades.
Rather than return to Moscow with the group several of us decided to venture down to Almaty, the city which was the country’s capital during the Soviet period. Part of the famous Great Silk Road, Almaty is a blend of modern and historic. If you like history, culture, and architecture, then Almaty is a wonderful destination. Forget about Borat--he did Kazakhstan no favours.
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Almaty's Zenhov Cathedral is made of all wood...with no nails!
All I could think of was the woman who had become the love of my life and now I knew with even more certainty that I loved her without any doubts. I could not live without her, even if it cost me my job. On the long and winding bus and train trip back to Moscow, I began to review my strategy (See Yeltsin’s plan, #2). By the time we arrived back in Moscow I knew who would be my representative.
(Photos courtesy of Kazakhstan Ministry of Tourism)
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Hey Mendeleyev I am loving this story.
Keep it coming
DonAZ
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Roughly 4-5 days after returning to Moscow I met with a cousin, someone who had grown close during the courtship. He was preparing to travel to the family dacha in Volgograd. The ladies had called and instructed him to bring more children's clothes as well as some household kitchen items so he needed help getting loaded on the train. I was happy to help him carry things and we left a couple hours early for the train station. He would make the 20 hour journey on the 4pm train to Volgograd and arrive the next day.
He and I had hit it off instantly from the moment we met. He is about 12 years younger but we look a lot alike and everyone in the family jokes that we are twins. Balding heads and twinkling blue eyes make us appear as if we shared the same childhood. As soon as the attendants allowed him to board we carried all the stuff he was taking and stowed it away. He is a police captain in the Kremlin district and I doubted if anyone would try to mess with his things. We were very early and so we sat on the train and talked.
When he asked if I had found a representative, I replied yes. Who, he asked. "You" was my answer. He beamed with pride and pledged to fulfill his duties to the best of his abilities. I had no doubt he would. The family hierarchs consisted of my future MIL and my bride's Uncle. They would not say no to her cousin.
Later this cousin would take me under his wing and shepherd me thru the entire wedding traditions and thru the ceremony and reception. Even from his modest monthly salary he insisted on paying for the two rented busses which took the wedding party from her home to ZAGS and then later to the wedding party. To this day he refuses to reveal the cost only saying that in our marriage he has gained a brother. I shall always be in his debt.
What a time we had at the dacha! 15 to 20 people sleeping all over a medium 2 story house on the Volga River. Russians consider it bad luck for a guest to sleep on the floor, but dacha life gives license to break all the rules. I was in a section of the house with several of the men and with no air conditioning, often the floor was the coolest place to sleep....even when we knew the ladies would sternly scold us about it in the morning.
Fishing the river, swimming, working in the garden, picking fruit from the trees and touring the great monuments to the battle of Stalingrad came to an end much too quickly. My week there was followed by a couple of additional quick weekend trips and before I knew it summer was coming to an end and autumn was in the air.
I love the change of seasons in Russia. My favourite is the onset of autumn. Surprisingly Russians sometimes call it an "Indian summer" just like we do in the states! The cycle of life is very seasonal in the FSU. Autumn brings new clothes out from storage, the diet changes with the seaonality of available foods, and life begins anew four times each year in Russia. For a guy who lives in the American West where there are only two seasons ("very hot" and "not as hot"), Russia is a fascinating place to observe mother nature as she goes thru these cycles. Traditions such as mushroom hunting and "last watermelon of the season" in which you invite all your friends over to enjoy that last watermelon to be found at a sidewalk kiosk never cease to thrill me.
Near the end of summer when the family had returned to Moscow, her cousin and I made preparations to meet with mother and Uncle Mikhail. But there was a hitch.
Mother had one more condition which must be met. And it was serious.
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there he goes again leaving us hanging! Great story so far. Just don't leave us out here holding on for DEAR LIFE too long!
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On a quiet afternoon the aforementioned cousin stopped by my apartment and together we traveled to my bride's home. There her mother and Uncle awaited us. I was seated at the same sofa where approximately a year earlier I had feared death at the hands of poison mushrooms. Offering tea and sweets, her cousin spoke on my behalf. Mother and Uncle listened politely and when he was finished Mother began to speak.
My MIL is intelligent, direct, and very strong in will and character. In America we might call her a type "A" personality. She would be a titan of business here, I think and she began to tell me what was good about my relationship with her daughter. She spoke that "you approach each other well" (we compliment each other).
My dear departed parents would have been proud of me on that day. She complimented them on what a son they had raised. To my amazement she had been watching us very closely. She had noticed that I routinely stand when her daughter entered a room. She had noticed that I took the outside of the sidewalk when we walked, that I offered my hand or arm getting on and off the bus, opened doors, took her coat, etc. She spoke of how I naturally took to the children in this extended family and how well the children responded to me. She admired that I stayed after meals to sit at the table and drink tea and enjoy good conversation around the table...something she said was missing in most Americans she had met. She appreciated that I insisted on helping clear a table and helped wash dishes before I left after a meal. My parents had instilled these things in me from an early age.
And she was happy that I attended church as a natural part of my lifestyle. But there was one final hurdle and it was serious. I must meet with their family priest. And he would either bless the idea of marriage or he would end it. She looked me in the eye and told me that she hoped God would see fit to bless such a marriage, but this was their most important test. And make no mistake about it, the priest would "close the book" which can be roughly translated that the priest would write the final chapter. His decision would be final.
I knew she was serious.
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Jim
I don't have much time now in my hands..... go on.... time is short and you know why!
I love reading your story. :)
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Many Russian families have a "family confessor" priest. Typically this is a priest who has known this family over the many years. He has baptized all the children in this family, he has buried the grandparents and married the young adults. It is to him they feel most comfortable when going to confession. He is the one who comes to bless their home, anoint the ill, and cry with them in times of death and sadness.
To say it is a very strong bond would be an understatement. And in such families it is not unusual for the priest to have a vote in whom the children will marry. My future MIL, a widow, while she relied on dear Uncle M for many things, clearly depended on the family priest for wise and important counsel. It was a little confusing when I first met my bride as she would talk affectionately about her Uncle M, but she also spoke of Father M. But during our courtship I soon learned to tell the two apart.
Father M was the serious but sincere and kind family priest. So off we went to meet Father M in a pre-arranged appointment. BTW, perhaps I should mention that my parents were Presbyterian medical missionaries. My faither represented the Great Physician in meeting the needs of both body and soul among the poor. My mother was a nurse and clinic administrator. So what's a good Presbyterian boy doing in an Orthodox Church?
I won't belabour the point but to say that I had begun a spiritual journey back in the USA. And by the time I arrived in Russia this son of Presbyterian missionaries has migrated to the Anglican Church, mainly because of historic theology and style of worship. I read. A lot. And the more I read from the ancient history and of the ancient fathers of the church...the more "Catholic" I became.
The first time I stepped inside a Russian Orthodox was inside the USA. Quickly, I knew that it was "home." However going from Presbyterian to Orthodox is a very big leap and in hindsight perhaps the time with the Anglican church was what I needed as a transition. Being that I knew that eventually I would migrate to the Orthodox faith, often when not traveling on assignment I would worship with her family so I wasn't exactly a stranger to Father M.
It made me nervous when he told me to wait in the church while he and my bride disappeared behind a wall of icons. 5 minutes turned into 10 and 10 into 20. I could hear their hushed voices but not well enough to understand. And the longer they met the more nervous I became, figuring that perhaps good Father M had immassed quite a long list of sins I had committed.
It is common for people to step inside an open church for a few minutes to light a candle at an icon and pray. Being quite restless I decided to do the same. But my fingers couldn't stop shaking and when I approached an icon station I dropped the candle on the floor the first time and then couldn't get it to light! Maybe those sins were really bad!
A little lady came by and giving me the strangest look, lit my candle for me and then indicated that I should pray. About the time I was launching into one of the most passionate prayers about whatever those mysterious sins might be, my bride walked up behind me and whispered that Father M was ready to see me.
Father M spoke of my faithfulness in coming to church and asked more questions about my background. Sensing that I knew a little more then the average bear about theology he began to ask questions about my beliefs in areas such as Christology (who is Christ), Soteriology (salvation) and other topics. Then he asked me to explain my understanding of the biblical nature of marriage? Okay, how many hours will this take I thought to myself and gave him my shortest version possible.
The next thing I knew he had guided the two of us to a side altar and joined our hands together while blessing our courtship and preparation for marriage. Afterward we kissed a cross he held and we gave him the tradition 3 kisses on the cheek. I thought the man was finished!
But then he asked where we would be married? Suddenly realizing that I was not yet officially Orthodox, it was clear that this was going to be a problem.
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Mendeleyev I am going to make this thread a sticky for the time being.
This is a very interesting read!
:cop:
DonAz
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Yes I agree Don it is a great story.
Chris
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A few days later the phone rang just as I was about to step into a shower. Perhaps I should quickly explain something about the shower in my apartment. This was my second apartment. Some months prior I had been kicked out (not joking) of my first apartment after submitting two unapproved stories which should have been cleared by my Russian press liason. I'll save that for another story, but I had been ordered (given 48 hours to relocate) into what had once been known as the Soviet "writers quarters" of Moscow, a nice neighborhood near Metro Studencheskaya, first metro stop across the river.
I had fallen in love with the first old apartment, it's torn carpets, the single bulb light dangling lazily from a thin bare wire in the living room, the laundry washtup substitution for a kitchen sink, etc. But it had two delightful features: First the balcony overlooked a prison yard (subject of one of the unapproved stories) which provided far more entertainment each evening that should be legal...even in Russia. Who needed the little black and white TV siting on my living room table when the best entertainment was outside the window?!
Sitting on the balcony with a cup of hot tea and watching the daily live show in the prison yard was like having Oprah, "Married with Children," Geraldo, "Cops," "Animal Planet" and the nightly news all wrapped up into a very entertaining package. But the folks in charge wanted Mendeleyev as far away from Metro Mendeleeyevskaya as possible!
Reason number two while I loved that little place: It always had hot water.
But over I time I grew to love the second apartment even though the local entertainment factor was definitely down by a bunch of notches. The British Jazz Supper Club just a block from the second flat seemed kind of stilted when compared to my old friends at the prison. However the apartment itself was much nicer in many ways and a real step up in society life for ole Mendeleyev. But during summer there was no hot water. Even in summer the cold water is cold. Very cold. So I had a little routine for taking showers.
Every Russian home has a modern plastic hot water (electric) pot. Kind of a minature samovar made of plastic. A "chai-nik" is primarily used to make hot water tea. I needed hot water every night for washing my dishes and also for a shower. It took about 6-7 of those hot water kettles poured into a big round bowl which the landlord had previously used for kneading bread to get a decent shower going. Holy cow, I hope this part doesn't get posted on the internet because the landlord ever finds out that I was taking a shower using her big yellow bread kneading bowl...I might not be alive much longer past today.
Each evening about halfway thru the dinner prep I'd start heating that electric hot water kettle. When hot it would be dumped into the big bread kneading bowl which sat on a little wood stand next to the bathtub. During the meal that routine would continue until I had enough hot water for a shower. Immediately after dinner the water temp would be just right so I'd head for the shower. I'd use a small tin pan to dip into the water and then pour it over my head, etc. It worked. But you had to be fast.
[attachimg=1] "chai-nik" hot water kettle.
Now as you can imagine with such a sophisticated plumbing routine, precise timing is critical. Any interruption would cause the water to cool before I had a chance to shower. So, when the phone rang just as I was ready for a shower, I was not a happy camper.
[attachimg=2] A real Russian (electric) Samovar in our USA home.
It was my bride asking if we could go to the Patriarch's office the next afternoon. She had spoken with Father M and I could begin classes to join the Orthodox Church but those classes could take 6 months or longer by design to test the sincerity of a catechumen. They would go past the projected wedding date.
We'd have to ask the Patriarch of All Russia for a religious exemption.
Talk about a cold shower.
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Having been Orthodox for a few years now I understand more about why an exemption was necessary. I just didn't get the entire picture at the time.
An Orthodox wedding is a holy sacrament. It is a work of God to unite two baptized Christian believers in a holy state of commitment to each other. Ideally both persons are Orthodox but some exceptions are made case by case. Whether in a small village parish or in a big city with many churches, someone, usually a Bishop or higher must approve the wedding when one of the persons is not Orthodox. With more recent changes in canon law, under no circumstances would a non-baptized person be allowed to marry in a Russian Orthodox Church.
My bride is a pretty smart lady. We had also toyed with the idea of a ZAGS wedding in Russia so that her family and friends could attend and then a church wedding later in the USA for my family and friends. So a written exemption from the Patriarch of Russia would allow us unquestioned right to be married in any Orthodox church in the world. As she explained it that way, I could see that it make good sense...especially when my work has been known to send me to various places around the planet.
The trip to the Patriarchial offices was easily accessible for both of us so off we went. With the Orthodox as the official religion of Russia, one might be surprised to find that Moscow police guard the entrance and the grounds and Federation FSB agents travel with the Patriarch for protection. We turned in our passports, signed in, and walked to the back of the compound to a 2 story office building. I was hoping to meet His Holiness Alexi II on this visit but would have to wait until later. A representative of the Church's committee on family came to bring us to his office. After about a 40 minute interview, mainly finding out more about me and my Christian background, he instructed us to wait for a call regarding a decision.
[attachimg=1] Patriarch Alexi & Mr Putin, Christ The Saviour Cathedral.
I had no reason to believe the decision would be negative and sure enough, approximately 3-4 days later we returned and received the document with the signature of the Patriarch. Everything was falling into place. Now we needed to plan the wedding.
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Soon after obtaining the letter we had a "bethroyal" dinner at her home. What an affair with all the Russian foods and salads one could imagine. The home was packed with relatives and friends.
Normally when a church wedding is involved the ZAGS ceremony is done first, then the church ceremony, and then the wedding dinner party. But it doesn't have to be that way. Over the next several months we planned our wedding and mainly due to the schedules of my two daughters, it would be a late December wedding.
Sincere Orthodox Christians keep several "fasts" during the year which are restricted diets with no meat, no oil, no wine, and no milk or dairy products. You can eat cabbage....everything else seems forbidden! Not really, but over 40 days before Jan 7, Christmas Day, and 40 days before Easter, you can get might tempted for a Big Mac--even if you don't normally like McDonalds.
Our wedding in December meant that we were breaking the fast (no celebrations allowed during that time either) so we had to get special permission for a ZAGS ceremony but waited until Christmas evening, after dark on 7 January to have our wedding dinner recepton party. Father M gave his approval and that was our plan.
The cousin's taking care of the transportation took a big logistical load off my mind. Arranging a couple of medium size buses for a day in December and again in January was no small matter. But he clearly enjoyed himself and got it done.
Wedding dresses for a ZAGS/RAGS ceremony can be anything which is stylish but acceptable wedding clothing for an Orthodox sacrament is much more conservative. We planned a nice suit for me and she choose a beautiful dress a friend had seen in Paris. They were able to find the same one in Moscow and she liked it because it was elegant and ornate, but not specifically a wedding dress. As an artist she could also use it for formal appearances and art exhibitions. I liked it too until I saw the price tag. My little economical woman, who would make sandwiches and cut up vegetables to eat on the bus for a weekend outing, suddenly wanted a dress made in Paris. We delicately "discussed" it for over a week.
The dress is elegant and she has worn it to exhibitions in places like France, Spain and Germany. Every time she is as beautiful as the first day I saw her in it. Breathtaking! But I realized later that she would need a regular "wedding" dress for the church ceremony.
Next was making preparations for the kidnapping of the bride and the ransom.
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Ransom of the Bride:
Of all the various wedding traditions which a western guy may encounter perhaps this is the most popular. Kidnapping of the bride can happen under several scenarios, such as during the reception, for example. But the most common is for the groom to arrive at the bride’s home on the day of the wedding to be told that his bride has been kidnapped. Of course he knows this will happen so he is prepared to pay a ransom.
In this scenario the bride is really home...she is busy getting dressed, a relative is doing her hair, others are assisting with the dress, and whatever other mysterious things go on when a bride is preparing, etc, etc. Men have it easy: We get up in the morning, eat breakfast, shave, and get dressed in a suit and presto. Let's get the show on the road. But the ladies must have some ancient and secret rituals which require hours of preparation. Go figure.
Her cousin and I would be met by children of the family downstairs at the apartment entrance. They advised me to have chocolates and dollars or coins ready for the children. The idea is that the children (and kids love this role in the wedding) announce that the bride has been kidnapped. But they know where she is hidden and will tell you. For a ransom.
I had briefly returned to the USA to speak personally with my family about the upcoming wedding. During that trip home I had gone to a party store and purchased small cloth-mesh gift bags meant for candy, etc. The bags were beige--roughly the colour of her dress. They had a little drawstring at the top. In each bag I had placed some nice chocolate, American chewing gum (big hit with kids), and a couple of the newer Susan B Anthony dollar coins one of my daughters had found were readily available at a post office.
On the morning of our wedding, I carried all the gifts in a large sized cloth shopping bag. Cloth shopping bags make a good present in and of themselves, by the way. RW of all ages love them. I must have looked like Santa Claus making his rounds!
Sure enough there at her apartment entrance were children. Many I knew and some were relatives from other cities who had arrived for the wedding. Predictably they had chosen Denis, a bright young boy who excelled at a Moscow literary club, to be the spokesperson. Denis had no sooner announced that my bride had been kidnapped, than the other children, overcome with anticipation began to happily exclaim that they knew how to find her and all that was needed for the "secret" information was the payment of a ransom.
Well, I hadn't gotten up early that morning for nothing. Might as well use these little gifts bags and pay the buggers off. :) After making sure that each child had a gift bag, we sent the kids scrambling up the stairway and I rode the lift up to the 8th floor.
No sooner had the lift opened on the 8th floor than suddenly the stairwell area was filled with adults. They of course also knew that my bride had been kidnapped and were also only too happy to give away the location...for a price. It was cold in the stair landing so this cousin/my sponsor convinced them it would be safe to allow us inside where we could pay the ransom in the living room. They happily complied.
It was packed and I was sweating. I had plenty of $5 notes on me, but that seemed cheap without something additional. The something additional was nice little boxes of Belgian chocolate. But did I have enough? Turns out more relatives had come that anticipated. Fortunately I had prepared for such a scenario and by throwing in about 4-5 extra, just made it with something for each adult. After handing each adult a chocolate and some $ I thought they would reveal the “secret” that she was locked away in her bedroom.
But first they wanted to play some games...using money. I played dumb to make it fun. The group said that I would need to pay an extra ransom by taking American dollars (the Dollar was still more valuable than the Euro during that time) to spell her name (Cyrillic). Well I decided to be funny. My bride has several names: There is her saint name given at baptism. Kind of long. Her normal name has 4 letters. My favourite "intimate" or nickname for her has just two Cyrillic letters so using those I could get off very cheaply!
Her relatives hadn't thought that I'd use her nickname and of course with everyone in a festive mood there were howls of protest. To make it even funnier I pulled a couple of single 1 dollar notes from my pocket, tore them into several pieces lengthwise, and then spelled the two letters with the torn notes. Oh, you should have seen and heard the protest. We were all laughing and having a great time.
I had to be careful because the money from this game is given to the bride to help her with any miscellaneous wedding expenses. Finally I pulled out some real money and spelled her name properly. As each note was laid on a small table I made a big show of caressing the note, kissing it, saying "до свидания" (goodbye) to the note, and making the sign of the cross before adding the note to the spelling. Some of the men in room were rolling in the floor and the ladies were laughing to the point of tears.
Once her name was spelled it was time for her "secret" location to be revealed. The hairdresser had exited just minutes before and I gave her the last chocolate box and thanked her as she left. She was not a relative and would not be staying for the wedding.
Guarding the bedroom door were her favourite Aunt and her closest cousin. I had special gifts for them and my large cloth bag was getting close to empty. These ladies had played loving and supportive roles so I had selected a nice gift for each. After many hugs, kisses, and words of thanks to each other, they opened the door and there stood my MIL and beside her was the most beautiful creature I'd ever seen in all my life.
But first I would have to ransom her from mother.
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The tradition of the ransom goes back many centuries to the times when a dowry was paid. In days gone by it would be the daughter who would care for elderly parents if unmarried. Not just in old age, but even immediately her services as a dishwasher, laundrywoman, cook, etc, would be lost and the family would suffer without the benefit of her presence. So to have some money set aside for old age the groom would come up with a pre-negotiated amount as a payment for the bride.
Sometimes even today in the very far East of Russia and China a dowry is still paid to the brides parents. In modern day Russia the ransom of the bride is more of a game, but money does often change hands and one must be very careful because to give too little is considered disrespectful and to give too much is considered to be flaunting wealth. I had to rely on cousin German to guide me.
Asking my lady to guide me in how much was futile. It was not proper for a bride to speak about it. Her cousin was great about helping me in most things but on this he genuinely was hesitant. Finally, although it's cosidered a private matter, he admitted the amount he had paid as a ransom for his bride Natasha. That at least gave me a baseline of what to expect.
However when consulting my office assistant Oksana, she didn't believe that my lady's family would expect the same amount from a western man and that I shouldn't sweat bullets over the issue. She clued me in that likely the amount, whatever it was, would be given by her mother back to my bride as a household gift. That turned out to be exactly the case.
So with a modest ransom I decided to focus on a nice gift for Mother, something she could keep as a momento from the wedding. In an Orthodox wedding the bride and groom stand and each holds a very tall and tastefully decorated white candle. That gave sparked an idea.
Russian appreciate candles and so I obtained, with the help of my daughters, two silver candle holders. Both are very large and ornate and decorated with grape leaf designs. Cost for both was just at approx $100 at Burlington Coat Factory according to my younger daughter Louisa. Each would retail well over that normally and they are lovely.
Daughter L had wrapped them in wedding tissue paper and this is what I presented to Mother along with a sealed envelope of the modest ransom. Good choice--a hit with MIL and they are today proudly displayed in a glass shelf in the Moscow home hallway.
Total wedding cost:
I don't normally feel comfortable discussing such issues but understand also that many of our members will have a Rus or Ukr wedding and need to have some sort of a budgetary idea.
Dress, shoes, flowers, ransom to MIL, ransom to relatives, ZAGS documents, wedding photos and video, and the entire cost of the wedding dinner party at a restaurant (including entertainment) came in just under $5K.
I'd have paid more than that amount just for the wedding dinner food and champagne/wine back in the good ole USA.
What I received in return: priceless
Next: Off to ZAGS. What happens inside a Russian "wedding palace?"
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Oops...revised total. Forgot the rings. Add another $2K. Sorry.
Briefly, RW tend to prefer small and rather plain bands. Again, no engagement ring is expected or necessary. Simple yellow gold will do for most. Whatever ring you decide it will likely be much cheaper to buy in Russia or Ukraine.
However my bride is an artist and she trends toward the more artsy side of things. She would have been very happy with the plain round yellow gold band but I didn't listen and had a jeweler friend back in Scottsdale custom matching designs but her's has more sparkle...by design. He enjoyed the project and got to advertise that his custom work was international in scope--as far away as Russia, obviously giving me a great deal in the process.
It was interesting how he sized our fingers with him in Scottsdale and we in Russia. Not trusting me to get the sizes converted correctly, he mailed to my address a key fitting guide. It was a small chain with about 35-40 or so little plastic rings. Each had a size printed on it. He instructed me to select the closest fit for Aya and take it off the chain, then repeat the process for myself. Then he instructed that the chain with the plastic rings be discarded and the two which matched our finger be mailed back to him. It worked!
What she loved just as much as the ring was the presentation. When I returned to speak to my daughters about the big step of their father getting married I picked up the rings from Randy the jeweler. While shopping with one of my girls one day we spotted a little wedding carriage on clearance sales. It was a large Quail type egg which had been carefully fitted with small wheels and a tiny door mounted on the side. Looked just like a minature model wedding carriage. When the door opened there is just enough room inside for 2 rings. It was less than $50 and came with a little white box to protect it. Magic! Man, it pays to have daughters!
Have patience with your lady regarding her ring finger. She will want to wear it on her right hand and want you to do the same. That is normal in her culture. For a lady to wear a ring on the left hand like we do in the west, signals to her culture that she is a widow and available for marriage! When she comes here the adjustment will seem odd for her. Be patient and don't browbeat her about it.
Let's talk about children in a second marriage:
It's not a subject tackled too often on such a forum. But your courtship and marriage to a Russian/Ukrainian lady will have an impact on your children and your relationship with them. It's why I traveled back to sit down and discuss it openly with my girls.
We've been extremely close because I raised them as a single parent. It was me who braided hair, walked them thru their "first" everything...from going to school to menstrual cycles to first dates to prom dances to college....you get the idea. I had made a promise them when young that there would be no distractions or diversions. Translation: I didn't date for a very long time. But it paid off in family stability as I watched friends around me put their kids thru hell in the yo-yo of single parent dating. God was gracious—they are well adjusted and responsible young adults.
It is a decision I'd do again in a heartbeat. But I did tell them that as soon as they left for college I reserved the right to change that part of my life, but would walk them thru any adjustments. They’ve adjusted and our family has blended well thru the change. My wife loves my daughters deeply and they know it. She has gradually more and more become a real "mom" and that is especially neat since at their age--a mom is an option and not a necessity.
My stepdaughter and I have grown together also. Her father has remained active in her life so instead of trying to compete with him, I've learned to be a compliment and supplement to him. It has worked because we were both willing to work at it.
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Finally, at ZAGS!
On the day of your ZAGS/RAGS wedding you'll arrive at her home. Since timing is important you may wish to schedule yourself early, although with hair and clothes and relatives issues, she may be running behind schedule. Once you collect your bride it's customary to leave together with the entire wedding party. Perhaps you will carpool or you'll have arranged little buses in advance. It would be considered impolite to do otherwise.
Likely this is the first time you will have seen the bride in her dress and she will be lovely! There are several stages to a ZAGS wedding so let's begin.
Arrival:
Your car/limo/bus will pull up to ZAGS. You and your bride will go to the registration counter where you will sign in. There may be some fees to pay and often some documents to sign. Get your writing hand limbered up. You're just getting started.
Waiting:
Hurry up and wait. This may be a wedding palace but it's also a assembly line factory. You'll notice other couples ahead of you and others whose turn will come after you. Attendants will likely assign you to an area--hopefully with seating. This is a great time for photos because once the ceremony starts you have no control over the timing of the process.
Depending on how many weddings are scheduled, you may wait for an hour or more, or you may wait for only a few minutes. Take photos, shoot video, make good use of the time.
Documents:
Before you go into the wedding hall there will be more documents to sign. An attendant will come and lead the two of you before what is essentially a "notary" who will finalize the wedding license you will sign during the ceremony.
Now go back and wait some more.
Preparation:
A few minutes before time for your ceremony, an attendant will come for your group. Straighten your suit and her mother will make last minute adjustments to her hair. Bride and groom will stand in front of the big doors. Your group will be organized behind you. There is another ceremony ending in the room and as soon as it's concluded you'll be ushered in.
The entrance:
The attendant reappears and asks if you are ready. He/she opens the doors and guides you in. Bride and groom walk almost to the front of the room and remain standing. Everyone else finds a seat. Often if you've paid for them, hired musicians will play Felix Mendelssohn's popular wedding march. Funny, he was German! Oh well.
The speech:
Normally it is a female wedding official who takes charge of the wedding. She welcomes the guests, looks down at her notes to get your names right (she may perform 30+ a day) and then gives you a short speech about the seriousness of marriage and the importance of family. 5 minutes later, or less, she stops speaking.
Sign more documents:
Next she will instruct the bride and groom to step forward and then sit at a formal desk. There you will sign the actual wedding license.
(Note: May I suggest that someone be taking photos during all this. You will not believe how short this ceremony can be. 8 minutes to 12 or 15 minutes maximum usually. And when you're done there is no time for photos because the next couple is lined up and waiting outside doors for you to finish and clear out quickly.)
Exchange rings:
A very quick part of the ceremony.
The announcement:
The wedding official pronounces you as man and wife. Your party claps.
Presentations:
Now the wedding official presents you with official documents. Your wife's passport will have been stamped with the wedding date and information. Both your passports will be returned to you.
Next to last, the wedding official presents you to your guests.
A receiving line:
Now you and your wife will stand while everyone walks by and hands you a big bunch of flowers. Your job is to hold 120 million ton of flowers and still be able to shake hands. Tough job. ;)
Get the heck out now:
Very quickly, and we do mean very quickly, the attendants will be guiding you outside to a hallway. Your time in the limelight is over. There is another couple waiting outside for their turn. Get moving!
To help you see this process from start to finish let's watch this couple. We'll pick up as they enter the large wedding room:
Its actually a very realistic video for those considering a ZAGS wedding...guessing by his hairstyle alone he's not Russian. And do you see him looking around trying to understand what is happening. Watch his eyes dart back and forth very quickly. We call that "deer in headlights." He depends on her for translation/explanation in both verbal and non-verbal communication.
But look at her: calm, stares straight ahead. She's been to these for family and friends and knows what to expect.
He has been coached by the bride and answers 'Da" at the right time but the accent sounds very American. He gets a couple of the signature lines correctly but the wedding official has to point out a line he missed.
Next they're standing at a little round table. With his lack of fluent Russian he misses the cue for the rings. His bride shows him and they exchange rings. Notice that the rings go on the right hand.
Now the official pronounces them as "muzh e zhena" or husband and wife.
The wedding documents are officially handed to them. Did you notice that their passports had been collected and returned at the same time?
The only thing different in this video from the few ZAGS I've witnessed, in this wedding the couple was ushered out of the room before the guests could present flowers to them.
Did you notice the time/length of the ceremony? It was over from start to finish in 8 minutes!
Finally, for a little fun, when you kiss your bride do NOT make facial expressions like this groom!
Next: A couple of very important traditions come immediately after the ZAGS ceremony.
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Footnote on Ransom tradition:
Some familes do not do the ransom tradition at all. However others do it with a kidnapping of the bride during the wedding dinner/party.
If at all possible, I'd recommend asking your lady some very specific questions about expectations if her family plans a party kidnapping/ransom. There are some things which don't mix very well, such as Vodka and money.
The drunker the guests, and while not all guests become drunk, some very well may, and the combination of Vodka and money could cause a fun celebration to turn ugly if someone under the influence feels slighted or offended because they didn't like your ransom amount.
If your bride's family plans it for the party, discuss with her the possibility of scheduling it as early as possible. Remember the vodka bottle or champagne is already open and toasts have already begun as the family stopped at a popular square or landmark to release butterflies, or doves, or to lay flowers at a popular memorial.
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Immediately after the ceremony a line will form and friends and family will dump a mountain of flowers on you. They will present them to your bride and your job is to hold them for her. But you must keep a free hand to greet guests also as the two of you will be standing together.
Get someone like a family member or friend to stand behind you and if possible pass each bundle (they will be big) back to your helper. In our wedding her cousin "my representative" was sort of my best man. I say 'sort of' because you don't really have a best men in the same way we do in the west. Likely you'll have a "witness" and so will your bride. In our ceremony cousins G and N were our witnesses and stood close behind us. But when it came time for flowers, cousin G was busy arranging the buses for our next stop. A family friend came to my rescue.
What happens after the ceremony is over?
There will likely be one of three options:
1) Leave ZAGS for an important landmark for photos and toasts, then go to Church for the 2nd ceremony, and finally off to somewhere for a wedding party/dinner celebration.
2) Leave ZAGS for an important landmark, then go somewhere for a wedding party/dinner celebration, and have the church ceremony on a different day.
3) Leave ZAGS for an important landmark, then go somewhere for a wedding party/dinner celebration, and not have a religious ceremony.
What is this "important landmark" tradition?
Each city seems to have it's own traditions. Often in Moscow the destination after a wedding is the tomb of the unknown soldier outside the Kremlin walls. It is in a beautiful little park area and the focus is the eternal flame and the constant ceremonial colour guard. One Moscow tradition is to travel there and for the couple, then other members of the party, to lay flowers in honour of the unknown soldier.
When you think about it, this is a very beautiful and meaningful tradition. New life is represented in a wedding where hope springs forth. This new life owes it's existence to the eternal sacrifice, so precious and dear, that someone sacrificed not only life, but also their identity so that life in a nation could continue.
After the couple lays the flowers at the tomb, the party moves south into a park area and there celebrates with photos and toasts. The party has begun!
In St Petersburg couples often travel to the great square at the gates of the Hermitage and the same idea of photos and toasts takes place.
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In Kaluga a favourite spot is the Museum of Russian history in the centre of the city or outside the city at the Russian Space Museum where the MIR space stations are on display.
At these destinations often the couple releases doves or butterflies. It is a beautiful sight to behold!
Next stop is often (a church ceremony for some) but for many it's the wedding party!
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One thing is almost certain...you'll have more attending the party than attended the ZAGS ceremony. Get ready to rumble!
Sometimes it's a party to burst the seams of any self-respecting Russian apartment. Other times it's in a restaurant or hotel banquet room. Our ZAGS wedding took place in December during the 40 Orthodox fast before Christmas Day, 7 January. Therefore we waited till after the fast to have our big wedding feast/party.
We traveled from ZAGS to Red Square. Being bitterly cold we didn't release any doves or butterfields...that would have been futile. But we did quietly pray at the tomb of the unknown soldier and then moved to the edge of St Basil's Cathedral which was closed for foundation renovations. It was freezing, so quickly we left for her apartment and a celebration meal of salads and fruits and breads...all things delicious and allowed during the fast. It was a packed apartment and close to 35 people jammed inside, many staying the night. Oh, that is another common tradition. Your wedding night may not be as private as you'd have hoped. Oh, well, there will be plenty of private nights in your future.
Two days later we left on our honeymoon--and I'm not kidding--part of a holiday history/cultural tour to St Petersburg. I'll tell you about it sometime. I could write a book just about the overnight bus ride on the trek north from Moscow. It was a comedy of Russian errors!
Spending New Year's Eve in St P was wonderful, even with our Intourist class tour arranged hotel and our "honeymoon suite" with two rickety, and separate, twin beds. Like I said, it's quite a story and someday I do plan to write about it.
After the Christmas fast was over, we celebrated with friends and family at a Chinese restaurant in the Russian Olympic training center in Moscow. They prepared a menu specifically directed by Aya and her mother. It was very Russian with traditional salads, raw fish, cooked fish, steamed fish, marinated fish....you get the idea.
We also had chicken and some other meats inside various dishes. Those dishes just kept coming from the kitchen. I didn't think the eating would ever end. We'd dance or the DJ would entertain with quizzes and games and then they'd announce another round from the kitchen. I was beyond stuffed even while trying to pay attention to all the toasts, etc.
When we walked in the restaurant there was a HUGE fish at the head table. It was LONG and BIG. Decorated with flowers, etc, I thought it was stuffed or for show. However poking my finger it it's side brought a frown from my wife who informed me that "it isn't cooked yet. Don't touch it." Holy mackerel! Sure enough, about midway thru the second round of salads two guys came out of the kitchen to hoist this "whale," or whatever it was, into a large serving cart and then they took that dude off and cooked it!
Don't be surprised at how freely the vodka flows.
Don't be surprised at how freely the champagne flows.
Don't be surprised at how freely the wine flows.
Oh, and you will making and receiving toasts during this time. As the groom you will make one of the first toasts and you will be expected to convey to the guests your delight at your bride and her family, the wonderful ceremony, and thank the guests for coming to enjoy your special day together. You will also be expected to tell a little bit (very short) about your family back in the USA, UK, etc. This is crucial: You should covey greetings and well wishes from your family overseas to your new family and friends in Russia as part of your toast. Very crucial and a big error if you fail to do this.
How do you stay sober? That is up to you but I'm a light drinker in real life and it doesn't take much to put me in a state I don't enjoy. My wife had a remedy hidden under our part of the head table. There was a couple of large bottles of carbonated water, also bottles of grape juice, and 7-Up. Do you remember Ludmila the "fearless mushroom hunter/English teacher" from my poison mushroom experience? She is mother's best friend and sat next to us sat to my left. Ludmila and mother's job was to keep us sober. That meant that while everyone else was paying attention to either the entertainment or to us, Ludmila was quietly rotating our wine glasses and shot glasses with juice, water and 7-Up. They had a system: 7-up when champagne was the focus, grape juice for wine, and carbonated water for vodka. It worked about 80% of the time, enough to make us comfortable. There were times when you simply couldn't escape a shot of vodka or wine or champagne and we didn't mind some...just not to excess.
You will be expected to perform a dance with your bride. While everyone watches. I'd advice you begin to practice immediately.
Just watch:
You might want to dance by yourself...given enough vodka....watch this guy:
After your dance with mother in law and other important females relatives, you and the men in the party will circle the dance floor. You will stand it the middle. Your bride will dance for you, very likely she will call upon the Tatar and Turks history within Russia and do a very middle-eastern and sensual dance for you. Enjoy. In this video the men are dancing together (get used to it cause it will happen) and your bride will join you.
Just watch:
Your wedding party will be unlike anything you would see in the USA or UK. Guests will read poetry, some of it historical Russian verse and some will have been composed in honour of your wedding. Guests will entertain by singing songs. Get familiar with some old traditional Russian folk songs as the entire party will sing those in unison. And some of them will perform.
Watch this:
And watch this:
We'll leave this with a slice of ethnic wedding tradition within Russia:
Coming up, a specific assignment for guys who plan to be married at a RAGS in Ukraine.
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This is a nice overview of a Russian wedding party:
I forgot to mention a tradition which Russians share with the West. After each toast the bride and groom must kiss. And kiss, and kiss. At our wedding the guests were given little silver bells and they rang the bells and chanted "gorka" which means that the wine is bitter and only by kisses of the bride and groom can the wine be made sweet again!
For a little review, here is a video of a groom arriving at his bride's apartment and oh, my, the children announce that she has been kidnapped! But of course if the groom will pay they will let him in! Very cute:
Watch this entire party sing together! And they will tell the couple that the wine is bitter:
Okay, for guys who plan to marry a Ukrainian lady, whether there or in your country, here is your assignment:
1) Research about Ukainian wedding eggs. You've heard about their beautiful Easter painted eggs, but do some research on wedding eggs. Report to your lady what you've learned. Ask her if she enjoys this tradition.
2) You learned about the ransom of a bride, but what about the Ukrainian tradition of ransom of her shoe! Ah, hah. Thought you'd slip that one by without the rest of us noticing, didn't you? Talk with your lady about it also. What does she think of that tradition?
Coming soon: An Orthodox Church wedding.
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Sorry that it's been a few days since posting on weddings. There is a huge European art exhibition coming to New York in February of next year and I had to do some traveling on behalf of my wife in regard to preparations for the exhibit. Now my pen is being sharpened and we can get back to the the next topic:
Marriage in an Orthodox Church.
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How to be married in an Orthodox Ceremony:
In days past it was often possible for non-Orthodox man to wed a RW/UW in an Orthodox church wedding. It should not have been easy according to Canon law, but it was for a variety of reasons. Today however the clamps are tightening and such a wedding is again becoming less common.
Perhaps the biggest reason for the change was the re-joining of the Russian Orthodox Church and the exiled "Russian Orthdoox Church Outside Russia." Just a brief lesson in history is in order to help you understand how this could effect your chance of an Orthodox church wedding.
Peter the Great abolished the office of Patriarch in the Russian Church. He had no spiritual right to do so, but he ruled Russia. He got his way. For several hunderd years there was no Patriarch, only the Holy Synod, a group of the highest ranking Archbishops.
Then a few years before the 1917 Revolution, the office of Patriarch was restored to the Russian Orthodox Church (ROC). In naming the first Patriarch in almost 300 years, the Russian Holy Synod reached across the ocean and selected an American citizen, Archbishop Tikhon of San Franciso, California to become the first Church Patriarch since the year 1700. He served as Patriarch of all Russia and America for 7 years. At that time the Russian church was the "mother church" of the Orthodox Church in America.
Although an American citizen, Tikhon was born in Moscow in 1865 as Vasily Ivanovich Bellavin (Василий Иванович Беллавин). He was murdered by the Soviet government in 1925.
During the early years of Communism, as churches were torn down and clergy imprisoned, some church leaders escaped and formed what is known as "ROCOR" which stands for the Russian Orthodox Church Outside Russia. At first ROCOR saw itself as the friend and moral support for the beleagured Russian Church. But over time the ROCOR movement began to realize that the KGB had thoroughly overtaken most of what was good in the Russian Church and replaced good clergy with many who were nothing more than KGB agents in black robes. The two churches grew apart.
These churches are represented by members of this fine forum: DonAZ and his lovely wife are active in the ROCOR. Manchester and his lovely lady are part of the ROC. My family is active in the ROC when in Moscow and active members of the OCA in our Arizona hometown. There may be others also?
In America the dominate Orthodox movement in more recent years has been the Greek Orthodox Church but the oldest and ranking body in the USA has been the Orthodox Church in America (OCA) simply because the Russian Church historically has been the mother of the Orthodox movement in America. After the death of the Russian/American Patriarch Tikhon, the American church was left without it's leader and it relied very closely on mutual and moral support from two other Orthodox countries, Greece and the middle Eastern "Antioch Orthodox Church." In the mid-1970's Russian finally granted independence to the American Church which now rules it's own affairs and is in communion with all the other Orthodox Patriarchs around the world.
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For decades the Russian Orthodox Church and the exiled Russian Orthodox Church Outside Russia remained in a virtual state of "divorce" and mistrust. Exiled, the ROCOR formed local churches in America, the UK, France, Germany, Australia and other western countries.
However earlier this year a wonderful and historic event happened. The Russian OC and the ROCOR agreed to come together again in spiritual unity and to begin the process of re-merging their churches back into one church! That event was witnessed in Moscow by representatives of the other Orthodox bodies such as the Orthodox Church in America, Antiochian OC, the Bulgarian OC, Romanian OC, OC of Japan, OC of China, the Greek OC, the Syrian OC, etc. It took several years of work to make it happen, but the end result is something wonderful and special.
Anytime you have a significant re-joining there will be some negotiated changes. Doctrine in the Orthodox Church is the same worldwide. There cannot be a change in doctrine without a worldwide Synod and the last Synods in the Eastern World were almost 1500 years ago and completed the doctrine of the Trinity and the final canon of Holy Scripture hundreds of years prior to the split of the one Catholic Church into Eastern and Western (Roman Catholic) jurisdictions.
So if church doctrine cannot change, what can? Certain non-doctrinal practices and customs. A central requirement of the re-merger of the ROC and ROCOR was that the ROC would stop allowing marriages between Orthodox and non-baptized persons. And as much as possible, the non-Orthodox Christian would be expected to become Orthodox before a church wedding is allowed. That is recent and it is being inforced more and more. As you can imagine, such a policy will effect men from every country who wish to marry a RW/UW in her church.
It makes sense when you realize that an Orthodox wedding is a holy sacrament. And at the very least the sacrament should be given only to baptized Christians who affirm the validity of such a sacrament. If a person is a non-believer or cannot agree with the deep meaning of an Orthodox ceremony, then it is offensive to expect to be given the sacrament of an Orthodox ceremony.
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Next: There ae some things which make an Orthodox wedding somewhat different from a western-oriented church ceremony.
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To under some "whys" we'll lay some groundwork. For example, the Orthodox "day" is calculated from sundown to sundown, just like in Jewish custom. When is Sunday, then? Good question: Sunday is from sundown Saturday evening to sundown Sunday evening.
Why bring this up? Because you won't be granted a wedding on Saturday. Each week a mini "fast" begins at sundown on Saturday. A good Orthodox Christian does not eat any food from sundown Saturday until the fast is broken by taking communion at church on Sunday morning. If you had a wedding on Saturday, there would also be a party afterward, right? That party would last late into the evening, at least, right? Would you have food at your wedding party? Naturally. But that would break a sacred fast, so Saturday weddings are rare.
You might be granted a Thursday or Friday wedding but most offen your wedding will be on Sunday. Usually the wedding is simply attached to the end of the Sunday liturgy. Now in Russia, that is not a problem. There are people there anyway so lots of folks will come to your wedding...by default! You won't have to send out invitations...people will just show up normally! And since it is not the custom of churches in Russia to have attached cultural or "fellowship" halls, you don't have to worry about all those extra people crashing the party and driving the cost of catering thru the roof.
But in Western countries where most churches do have attached halls for cultural, fellowship, or activity meetings, you cannot simply choose to exclude fellow worshippers from your party simply because they happened to attend the liturgy service which included your wedding. Fortunately, most Orthodox churches in Westen countries tend to be smaller and you just manage to tell the caterer to "add a few extra beans to the pot." Also, many Orthodox weddings schedule a wedding party in a separate location by invitation or return to the church later for a catered reception dinner, which then begins aound sundown so the couple doesn't violate the spirit of the "Christian Sabbath."
So if you're married on Sunday morning, what happens beforehand? Just like normal the bride and groom "fast" in preparation of taking their first cup, Holy Communion, together. That means no bachelor party the night before church.
Quickly a word about Orthodox communion: Unlike our Roman Catholic "separated brethern" we have both the living body and blood of Christ present in the ceremony and in the cup. During the "consecration of the Holy Gifts" the priest mixes the wine and bread together. During communion he dips a small spoon into the cup and gives each parishioner a portion of both the wine and bread (blood and body of Christ) from that spoon.
The rite of Holy Communion is a holy event and that means two things must have happened the night before:
1) The couple came for confession the night before the wedding.
2) Each fasted the night before the wedding.
Therefore the couple comes to the ceremony free and sin and pure to receive the wedding sacrament.
Fasting is important to the Orthodox faith. A mini fast means that for a short period you give up food, wine/alcohol, sexual activity, meat, oil and dairy products. Yes, sex is absent during a fast. The very purpose of a fast is to encourage discipline, denial of self, and driving one's self to prayer instead of comfort and pleasure.
In an extended fast, some foods are allowed in moderation but it's not all that unusual for a couple to mutually decide to give up sex during the 40 days prior to Easter or prior to Christmas. It can be done. A priest will counsel you to make such a decision mutually otherwise it's not a good idea. However, the strict diet is enforced for those who are healthy. The elderly, the very young, and those sick or traveling are not required to follow the fast. But many, especially the elderely, do so anyway out of deep devotion.
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A wedding may not be scheduled during any fasting period. If you're doing wedding planning, rely on your lady to help make the exacting schedule decisions. For help, go to www.oca.org and click on the menu regards to fasts: http://www.oca.org/FSCal.asp?SID=4
To help with any confusion understanding Orthodox fast and feast calendars, every FEAST begins first with a FAST. How can you "party hardy" until first you've done without?! Deep in mind that our calendars are not the same as in the Eastern world. We celebrate Easter and Christmas about two weeks apart.
Times when you cannot have a wedding include the Lenten season; the Advent and Epiphany seasons (from late November 28th through January 6th the night before Christmas Day); the Fasting season preceding both the Feast of Saints Peter and Paul (in June) and the Feast of Dormition (in August); and special one-day fast periods.
Dress: The Bride wears a veil during the wedding service and her arms and back should be covered. In some traditions she will continue to wear her veil during the reception that follows. The man wears a suit. While there are no bridesmaids and best men in an Orthodox wedding there can be witnesses and ushers. The most important two people in addition to the bride and groom are their representatives/sponsors. These persons must be Orthodox because they will participate in the sacrament. One female for the bride and one male for the groom. One of the things they will do is to hold the crowns above (without placing them on) the heads of the couple during the ceremony.
For questions about who can be married in an Orthodox church:
http://tinyurl.com/2nwnoy
Coming up next: An explanation of the service, step by step.
For now, watch this Russian ceremony:
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From the Orthodox book of prayers:
THE ORTHODOX PRAYER OF MARRIAGE
Bless our marriage, O Lord our God, as You blessed Abraham and Sarah. Bless them, O Lord our God, as You blessed Isaac and Rebecca. Bless them, O Lord our God, as You blessed Joachim and Anna. Bless our marriage, O Lord our God, as You blessed Zacharias and Elizabeth.”
“Preserve our marriage, O Lord our God, as You preserved Noah in the ark. Preserve us, O Lord our God, as You preserved the three Holy children from the fire. And let that gladness come upon them which the blessed Helena had when she found the precious Cross.”
“Remember our marriage, O Lord our God, as You remembered the Forty Holy Martyrs, sending down upon them crowns from heaven. Remember (wife) and (husband), O Lord our God, and the parents who have nurtured them, for the prayers of the parents make firm the foundations of houses.”
“Grant us fair children and concord of soul and body. Let (wife) and (husband) behold their children and grandchildren around their table like a newly-planted olive orchard, that, obtaining favor in Your sight, they may shine like the stars of heaven.”
Amen.
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Finally...The Orthodox Wedding Liturgy!
Sometimes it's better to use a wheel already invented instead of reinventing the wheel all over again. So, for a description of the Orthodox wedding liturgy we turn to the popular russian-crafts.com website.
http://russian-crafts.com/customs/marriage.html
(Each heading represents an important segment of the wedding service. I'll simply add videos where appropiate and perhaps some commentary.)
Marriage in the Orthodox Church
HOLY MATRIMONY is a one of the Mysteries of the Holy Orthodox Church in which a man and woman are united by the Holy Trinity. Their conjugal union is blessed by our Lord Jesus Christ through the Church. God's grace is imparted to them to live together in His love, mutually fulfilling and perfecting each other.The Mystery of marriage of the Holy Orthodox Church is steeped in ritual and symbolism. Each of the acts has special meaning and significance.
The rings (called the "bethrothal service")
The rings are blessed by the priest who takes them in his hand and, making the sign of the cross over the heads of bride and groom, says: "The servant of God ...is betrothed to the maid of God ... in the name of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit."The couple then exchange the rings, taking the bride's ring and placing it on the groom's finger and vice-versa. The rings, of course, are the symbol of betrothal and their exchange signifies that in married life the weaknesses of the one partner will be compensated for by the strength of the other, the imperfections of one by the perfections of the other. By themselves, the newly-betrothed are incomplete: together they are made perfect. Thus the exchange of rings gives expression to the fact that the spouses in marriage will constantly be complementing each other. Each will be enriched by the union.
Comment: The rings are a continous circle, without beginning or end, such is the love God has given for a man and woman to be united in marriage.
The candles
The Wedding service begins immediately following the Betrothal Service. The bride and groom are handed candles which they hold throughout the service. The candles are like the lamps of the five wise maidens of the Bible, who because they had enough oil in them, were able to receive the Bridegroom, Christ, when He came in the darkness of the night. The candles symbolize the spiritual willingness of the couple to receive Christ, Who will bless them through this Mystery.
Comment: These candles are not plain. They are white representing purity and adorned with white flowing lace which represent the angels sent to protect the couple.
The joining of the right hands
The right hand of the bride and groom are joined when the priest reads the prayer that beseeches God to "join these thy servants, unite them in one mind and one flesh." The hands are kept joined throughout the service to symbolize the "oneness" of the couple.
Comment: In most traditions the hands which have been tied together with those wedding towels we learned about earlier are temporarily untied for the ceremony. The priest may re-tie them later.
The crowning
The service of the Crowning, which follows, is the climax of the Wedding service. The crowns are signs of the glory and honor with which God crowns them during the Mystery. The groom and the bride are crowned as the king and queen of their own little kingdom, the home - domestic church, which they will rule with fear of God,wisdom,justice and integrity.When the crowning takes place the priest, taking the crowns and holding them above the couple, says:"The servants of God, (names), are crowned in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen." The crowns used in the Orthodox wedding service refer to the crowns of martyrdom since every true marriage involves immeasurable self-sacrifice on both sides.
Comment: Your "representatives" stand behind you during the entire service holding these crowns above your head, but never touching your head until the priest takes the crowns and blessed them. They are then put on your heads and worn the remainder of the liturgy.
The common cup
The service of crowning is followed by the reading of the Epistle and the Gospel. The Gospel reading describes the marriage at Cana of Galilee which was attended and blessed by our Lord and Saviour Christ, and for which He reserved His first miracle. There He converted the water into better wine and give of it to the newlyweds, in remembrance of this blessing, wine is given the couple. This is the "common cup" of better life denoting the mutual sharing of joy and sorrow, the token of a life of harmony. The drinking of wine from the common cup serves to impress upon the couple that from that moment on they will share everything in life, joys as well as sorrows, and that they are to "bear one another's burdens." Their joys will be doubled and their sorrows halved because they will be shared.
Comment: By now you've noticed that there are no pews in a typical Russian church. The entire liturgy is a prayer and Russians always stand (never kneel) for a prayer.
The walk (Circling the table)
The priest then leads the bride and groom in a circle around the table on which are placed the Gospel and the Cross, the one containing the Word of God, the other being the symbol of our redemption by our Saviour Jesus Christ. The husband and wife are taking their first steps as a married couple, and the Church, in the person of the priest, leads them in the way they must walk. The way is symbolized by the circle at the center of which are the Gospel and the Cross of our Lord. This expresses the fact that the way of Christian living is a perfect orbit around the center of life, who is Jesus Christ our Lord.During this walk around the table a hymn its sung to the Holy Martyrs reminding the newly married couple of the sacrificial love they are to have for each other in marriage - a love that seeks not its own but is willing to sacrifice its all for the one loved.
Comment: Often it is here at the start of the "circle walk" in which the priest ties the couples hands again with the wedding towels.
The blessing
The couple return to their places and the priest, blessing the groom, says, "Be thou magnified, O bridegroom, as Abraham, and blessed as Isaac, and increased as Jacob, walking in peace and working in righteousness the commandments of God." And blessing the bride he says, "And thou, O bride, be thou magnified as Sarah, and glad as Rebecca, and do thou increase like unto Rachael, rejoicing in thine own husband, fulfilling the conditions of the law; for so it is well pleasing unto God."
Comment: Notice that no vows have been exchanged as in western church wedding services. In the Orthodox liturgy it is understood that it is God who has brought this couple together and He makes a vow to them that His grace will be there for them in every moment of their lives. They in turn, by accepting the sacrament of marriage, by their presence have made a vow to trust God for their life together in marriage.
Now that know something about the Orthodox wedding, watch this Russian wedding and pick out the different segments of the wedding liturgy. Each segment we described will be shown here:
No matter the length of service, it will be a blur:
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And before you know it, the reception will be upon you and time for the first dance!
Check out the table and food at this Ukrainian reception dinner:
Guests will entertain at your wedding reception:
Do you remember the wedding bread? Check out this wedding bread presentation to bride and groom:
Thanks for your patience, your comments, and your investment in learning about a wedding at a Russian ZAGS or Ukrainian RAGS, and thanks for your committment to learning more about the wedding service of the Orthodox Church.
Sincerely,
Mendeleyev and family
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I must say that in all my years on these board this has to be one of the very best threads I've read.
Many many thanks Mendeleyev!!!
DonAz
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Honeymoon....Leningradskaya style!
I hinted much earlier about our honeymoon so have decided to post it here. Here is the "short version:"
Our ZAGS wedding took place in late December to accomodate my daughters schedules. Because this was during the 40 day Orthodox fasting period before Orthodox Christmas, we delayed having a wedding reception dinner party until early January after the fast was concluded. And I will say that it was quite a party!
So we decided to take our personal honeymoon between those dates. Her home, her cousin N's apartment, and my apartment were packed with guests for the ZAGS wedding and the first days afterward so we really, really needed a honeymoon--to get away from everyone!
Our honeymoon was a gift from her mother. Just weeks before the wedding she announced that her mother was giving us this honeymoon and it would be a gift. Great! And she announced that it would be part of a tour.
Now we should stop right there and talk about tours. Part of my job included taking tours to cover susposed news stories or historical or cultural events of interest. I had been all over the FSU on "tours" during my posting in Moscow. My visions of a tour on a crowded bus or train was probably different from an organized historical tour. So when the word "tour" came up I wondered if she was simply using the term to help me understand the context, or were we actually going on a "tour" for our honeymoon?
The brochures were brought out and there in living colour was the description of a "tour" to Russian's northern capital, St Petersburg. (My MIL calls it Leningrad to this day.) So it was a tour, a historical tour, no less.
Это нормально? (Is that normal?), I inquired of my soon-to-be-bride.
She looked at me funny, as if I had just asked a silly question.
I put the question back in my pocket. Maybe I could bring it out again later.
"Later" came the next day in my office at Radio Mayak. Oksana, my trusted assistant and personal courtship guide, the person who had helped me learn Russian courtship traditions and manners, the one who could take a lot of credit for helping this marriage come into existence, surely of all people, my dear confidante Oksana would help me. Oksana would tell me the truth.
Oksana was no help: just another silly look from a female, with a facial expression which resembled something very close to a "did you just ask me a very stupid question?" kind of look.
Okay, when all else fails, ask Sasha.
I should introduce Sasha. Sasha and Lyuda were two personal guides of the Russian Press Department assigned to a small group of journalists. Each journalist is part of such a group for what the Russians call "internal accountability." I was part of Sasha and Lyuda's group. Sasha is a choc-a-holic and non-stop smokestack. He lives to smoke. Smoking, chocolate, and his family are his passions. Probably in that order, too.
Sasha was also our driver for official (and sometimes very, very unofficial business...so much for any notion of "internal accountablity"). Sasha was also an electronics whiz. From laptops to digital cameras, he was your man if you had a problem. My friend Sasha would tell me the truth, and he was always easy to find. Just look for a trail of smoke and follow it in like a heat-seeking missile. Or when high technology fails, just stick to the ground and follow the trail of chocolate foil wrappers. Either would work. Bingo, there you are Sasha.
So I asked Sasha. He was outside smoking. (Gee, what a surprise.) In mid-puff he looked at me and the wrinkles on his forehead began to move up and down in unison like a series of tsunami waves coming in to pulverize some backward and unsuspecting Pacific hamlet.
Что? (What?) he asked.
Is it normal? I repeated.
He turned away from me to throw his cigarette on the ground. He always does that when he doesn't want to look you in the eyes. Turning back around as he ground it into the snow he only quickly glanced at me with a sly grin and reaffirmed, "Its a gift from your mother-in-law?" Then he grunted, "Tak." ("So.")
You hear that a lot in Russia.
People walking around muttering to themselves "Tak" (So). It says nothing.
But it says everything.
Certain that his cigarette would not be contributing to any new fiery rampage of Moscow, he stomped back inside. As the door slammed I wondered what did he mean by "so."
Guess we're taking a historical tour. For our honeymoon.
Tak.
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"Tak," that's classic... I can't wait to read the rest of your story!
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The short description of an Orthodox wedding ceremony (from a Russian Orthodox website)
By tradition an Orthodox wedding ceremony starts with an entry of the groom and his friends into the church; The bride is next to the groom. Coming out through Tsar Gate a priest meets the groom and bride; and he carries the Gospel and Cross to them. The wedding rings should be put on the tray. This tradition means that the groom and bride get the Lord's blessing for the creation of a new family and also the love of the groom and bride.
The priest with two candles in his hands comes to the groom and the bride, blesses them and gives them the candles. The lighting of candles means a kindness, honesty and gladness.
The groom and bride exchange rings three times by hands of the priest. By old tradition a ring of the groom should be made of gold and a ring of bride should be made of silver.
After exchanging rings the groom and bride kneel to the lectern for confirmation of their decision and for their swears that they do not have any obligation to the other man and woman.
The main part of the wedding ceremony begins after vow of groom and bride to be completely bound up in each other. The priest touches the groom with icon of Christ and puts a crown on his head. Then the priest touches the bride with icon of the Blessed Virgin (Russian Bogoroditsa) and also puts a crown on her head. The crowns can be held above the groom and bride's heads by persons empowered for it. The crowns symbolize that the family is a little kingdom in earth sense and a little Church in spiritual sense.
The priests tell prayers for 10 minutes and then he asks the Lord to bless the newly married couple. After the telling prayers and Lord's blessing the priest leads the newly married couple around the lectern three times, takes the crowns off their heads and gives them a valedictory in private.
At the end the priest leads the newly married couple to Tsar Gate that symbolizes the man and woman have to be together until their death. The groom kisses the icon of Christ and the bride kisses the icon of the Blessed Virgin, then he groom kisses the Blessed Virgin and the bride kisses the icon of the icon of Christ, then they kiss the cross and the priest gives them two icons - the icon of Chris to groom and the icon of the Blessed Virgin to bride.
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The wedding video mentioned early in the thread can be very meaningful to your bride. Briefly I'll mention a few notes about ours:
It's a compilation of our special day(s) from the ZAGS ceremony to the wedding dinner party almost 2 weeks later (we delayed the party because of the Orthodox Christmas fasting period.)
I'm guessing that our video is close to 3 or 4 hours worth. Edited!
It takes up TWO VHS tapes. Two CD's.
About a month after our wedding I did further editing to a copy and tried to pass it off as the original. Claimed I had "compressed" the files.
Oh no! She, her mother, cousin N, and even my own daughter ratted me out! All of them! So it was back to being a full length feature film. With me in the doghouse.
Anyway, for the next month here was the routine: The door would ring. It would be a neighbor in the apartment building, an unannounced relative, or a friend of the family. Mother would make tea and would put on the video, and I'd be bound with chains and superglue to the living room sofa. For the next hours, yes hours, we'd sit there while and her mother conducted a running "play by play" for whoever the guest happened to be.
After the HOURS were over, more tea would be served and the neighbor/unsuspecting relative/friend would dole out sincere congratulations. Mother and bride would beam with pride while I was trying to quietly use a blow dryer to free myself from the superglue. I felt just like James Bond, trapped by beautiful but dangerous Russian ladies who, if I didn't escape, would make me watch that dang video all over again.
I think in America a lady would be content to show it to her friends and be done with it. But no, this is a country of tea and long conversations, and more tea and more conversation.
As a child to delay piano practice I'd sit for hours in the bathroom hoping my mother would forget about the piano in the living room. In Russia I reverted to childhood....it just wasn't about a piano this time.
Enjoy your wedding!
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Footnote:
For the rest of the story of our Russian Honeymoon follow this link to the Adventure Stories section and the thread about our Russian honeymoon:
http://ruadventures.com/index.php?topic=1876.0
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Just a footnote to help readers understand more in depth:
1) Here is a photo of a couple in an Orthodox wedding, their attendants behind them are holding the crowns above their heads during the ceremony up until the time the priest takes the crowns and places them on the groom and bride.
[attachimg=1]
2) Despite the tourist horror stories, Gypsy's are very nice people with their own "subculture" within Russia. Very often, today, persecuted by the Russian government and regional military units. Here is a gypsy couple at their wedding.
[attachimg=2]
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What a fabulous thread, Mendeleyev -- it brought back memories of my cousin's wedding (ZAGS and church) in Moscow. I was very glad I had my camera with me in both places, as the CDs I burned for the newlyweds and the bride's two uncles back home contained over 300 photos of all the festivities. (I shot as fast as my camera allowed and tried to capture as much as possible.)
It turned out that the bride and bridegroom didn't have the money for a professional photographer and they were thrilled to have such a detailed record of the events. The bride's grandmother, whose health didn't permit her to make the trip to Moscow, later viewed the entire disc three times in succession at the home of one of her sons. I'm sure she wasn't the only one who saw the photos, but she was probably the most delighted!
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Lindochka, I'm happy that you enjoyed it! Hopefully it will continue to be a helpful for many of our forum. What a nice gesture of you to take your camera and record this important even for your cousin! And I know that the grandmother will always cherish the special memories you have provided for her.
Wow, I can certainly relate to the grandmother watching the videos. For a month after our wedding there was a steady stream of visitors, tea would be set out and the video would start. My darling wife and her mother and the guests would sit glued to the tv for 2-3 hours. At first my MIL thought in rude that I would tire quickly of watching the same video over and over and over and over again. I'd do anything....any excuse.....after the first few viewings. :)
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With a significant Jewish population in Russia, it's important to also shed some light on Jewish wedding ceremonies. This popular song serves to show us a Jewish couple in Russia.
Russian Jewish wedding video:
On the lighter side:
Dancing at the party:
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The August 2008 Russian Orthodox wedding of the Mendeleyev's eldest daughter
Our eldest daughter was married in a Russian Orthodox service in Phoenix in mid-August. Here are some highlights from that ceremony:
An ancient Orthodox Christian wedding has six parts:
-The Preparation is the period (year or so) leading up to the wedding. Meetings with the priest, making all the arrangements.
-The Presentation is on the wedding day when the entire family walks the bride to the front doors of the church were the priest, the groom and all the guests are waiting. The priest asks the couple if they are legally free to marry and if they wish to be married in a Christian sacrament. As there are no vows, that is the only time the bride and groom speak in the one hour ceremony.
-The Betrothal is at the entrance of the church. The Priest blessed the rings and then gives one to the groom for placing on the bride's right hand. Then the second ring is blessed and the bride puts it on the groom's right hand. Next the priest takes a long, thin wedding towel and ties their arms together. Finally he hands them lighted candles to hold during the ceremony. After prayers and choir chants he slowly leads the couple toward the front of the church.
-The Crowning is when the priest blessed the crowns, the bride and groom kiss the crowns, and then the two attendants (one male and one female) hold the crowns above the couple's heads, without touching, for the next 45 minutes of the ceremony. There are no bridesmaids or best men in an Orthodox wedding. This is the longest part of the ceremony when multiple prayers, Scriptures and songs are chanted and a brief sermon is spoken.
-The Blessing/Procession happens near the end of the ceremony after the couple has been guided around the wedding altar 3 times in a small procession. The couple kiss the cross the priest has been holding. He allows them to kiss and then presents them to the congregation.
-The Celebration is the party, and several more traditions take place according to the couple's wishes.
[attachimg=#] Just like in Russia, you must decorate the car!
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Here are some fun and recent Russian and Ukrainian wedding videos. Enjoy!
Often Russians term the party as the "wedding" and the ceremony is just that...the ceremony:
This looks like one great party!
This Russian wedding party wasn't cheap!
Would you like to see a more ethnic presentation of a Russian wedding celebration? Out in Russia's Muslim territories live the Tatar people, and while this wedding is not Muslim in nature, you can see the ethnic features and see the differences in style and for example in the musical rhythms:
This video, although the sound is poorly produced, is included because it gives such a nice view of some things our members may experience in a ZAGS someday. Everyone bring flowers, the sitting down to sign the wedding documents during the ceremony, the rings off to the side on a little table, and how the room looks in a typical ZAGS:
For those who have never experienced a Jewish wedding, this is a rare glimpse into a Russian Jewish wedding and party!
Can Russians put on a nice wedding out in a small town? Well, just watch:
After the ZAGS ceremony it is customary for the wedding party to travel to one or more local popular or historical locations for photos and toasts. Then, the couple is the last to enter the dining room/restaurant as all guests wait for their entrance at the party!
Most of our members won't have the kind of budget for a wedding put on by pop singers Natasha Koroleva and 'Tarzan' (yep, that is the name he uses). They start off at the local ZAGS:
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Another instructional video, plus the girl is gorgeous!
In this video notice the toasts. Make certain you have special bride and groom champagne flutes (or wine glasses) as this is a special part of the after ZAGS experience. Notice how the car was decorated. It's tradition!
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Another wedding to report:
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Dmitry arrives to pick up Svetlana and her friends/family. Outside are several cars which will take everyone. He brings flowers for his bride and must also ransom her from the family before they can leave for the wedding palace.
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A few family/friends have already arrived at ZAGS and are waiting in the hall. The girl at the door is a ZAGS attendant. Her job is to usher in everyone when it's time for the ceremony. However another ceremony is going on inside now so her job is also to guard the door.
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When everyone has gathered, the attendants will be given a signal and they'll open the doors. The young lady attendant will go first leading everyone inside. The young male attendant will make certain everyone is inside and then he'll secure the door.
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The wedding is typically conducted by a female official. She will ask the couple if they came to be married, they'll step to the front table and sign documents, then step back for a very short ceremony (no vows), exchange rings, and then the officiant will introduce the new couple, they kiss and then guests step forward and pile huge amounts of flowers on the groom who is wondering what he's susposed to do with so many flowers. Photos are quickly taken and then very rapidly the attendants will shoo everyone out and get ready for the next couple and wedding.
Stepping out of the wedding chamber there is usually a small area to the side so that family and friends can continue with more photos.
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Once the civil ceremony is complete the wedding party drives to several different places throughout the city to take more photos and video. This can take anywhere from two to four hours. The bride and groom often have favourite or traditional locations where they want photos to be taken.
It is a tradition for the bride and groom to visit the local WWII war memorial to place her bouquet there and have photos taken. It is interesting that this happens in large cities with elaborate memorial parks and in simple villages with only a small stone memorial.
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After several hours of photo and video shooting Dmitry and Svetlana celebrated in a small local restaurant to enjoy the wedding with friends and family.
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The wedding cake and lots of salads and fish. Depending on the budget there can be other meat cuts, but usually a fish is the centerpiece wedding meal.
[attachimg=#]
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Another instructional video, plus the girl is gorgeous!
In this video notice the toasts. Make certain you have special bride and groom champagne flutes (or wine glasses) as this is a special part of the after ZAGS experience. Notice how the car in Russia was decorated almost alike how Mrs Mendeleyeva decorated our daughter's car in Phoenix in the previous photos. It's tradition!
Well the above video certainly answers the age old question as to why FSU women seek a WM. ;D
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More Russian wedding photos:
[attachimg=#] Signing ZAGS documents.
[attachimg=#] MILs serving the wedding bread.
[attachimg=#] $$$$ reception $$$$$
[attachimg=#] The cake.
[attachimg=#] More photos.
[attachimg=#] Releasing doves on Beautiful Square (sometimes butterflies).
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[attachimg=#] Caviar at wedding...yummy!
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These basketball players are so dedicated that they practice jumping even at weddings!
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This couple was so excited that their feet didn't touch the ground!
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Great pictures and videos. Thanks for sharing.
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So who thought renting a bus was only for funerals?! As buses are not commonly used for funerals in the West, you might be surprised to know that a rented city bus makes a great combination hearse and limo for family and friends going to the service and gravesite. Load everyone in the seats, shove the casket in the back doors, and you're off to the funeral.
And buses are also great for transporting everyone in a wedding party.
At our wedding in Moscow we rented a limo and 2 smaller Marshrutka (Minibus/маршру́тка) buses to get guests from home to ZAGS and later to the restaurant party. Watch this fun video for the party aboard a bus (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=joi-nUTPVZ8&feature=related) in this Ukrainian wedding.
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Our reception was at a small resort style Hotel outside of Penza. The booking for the whole restaurant included a minibus to pick everyone up for one trip. Since we already had several cars for earlier in the day we used the bus to get everyone back into the city at the end of the night. Was quite handy and worked out great for everyone.
My brother liked the idea too and is using a similar plan for his wedding here in July.
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Well sir, you clearly have a gift. Not everyone takes the time to see and consider what is meant to be seen, and you clearly are an exception. This is easily the best thread I've ever read (in my rather limited experience). You should probably put together a book on this whole experience someday...so many spectacular details and such vivid imagery! I really enjoy how you took the time to cover the subtle nuances as well as the deep meanings that saturate this age-old tradition in the FSU. I have been to my share of American weddings and have even attended a Greek Orthodox wedding in Greece, but they don't hold a candle to a true Russian wedding from what I can tell. I also greatly enjoyed your explanation of the journey of the Orthodox church outside of the FSU. We have a church called St. Tikhon's (OCA) in my hometown and I am seriously considering checking them out as a result of this post. That name (Tikhon) holds new meaning for me now.
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Well sir, you clearly have a gift. Not everyone takes the time to see and consider what is meant to be seen, and you clearly are an exception. This is easily the best thread I've ever seen (in my rather limited experience). You should probably put together a book on this whole experience someday...so many spectacular details and such vivid imagery! I really enjoy how you took the time to cover the subtle nuances as well as the deep meanings that saturate this age-old tradition in the FSU. I have been to my share of American weddings and have even attended a Greek Orthodox wedding in Greece, but they don't hold a candle to a true Russian wedding from what I can tell. I also greatly enjoyed your explanation of the journey of the Orthodox church outside of the FSU. We have a church called St. Tikhon's (OCA) in my hometown and I am seriously considering checking them out as a result of this post. That name (Tikhon) holds new meaning for me now.
If you like this one read Mendy's thread on "How Russian Women View Courting and dating." Others here might not agree but for me it has been spot on.
http://ruadventures.com/forum/index.php?topic=4286.0
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Thanks to you both. tiphat Sol, I hope you'll enjoy your visit to the OCA church! If interested there is more on what happens in an Orthodox service (http://ruadventures.com/forum/index.php?topic=1962.0) here.
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....for me it has been spot on.
It was one of the first things I read when I came to this forum. "Spot on" is probably an understatement (but still one of my favorite affirmations from the UK).
The line "Can you make her FEEL...like she is on holiday on ordinary days?" really made me stop and think for a moment. Any man who is able to grasp and put such a perspective into practice will probably be one of the most successful husbands possible. It is a concept that sounds great on paper but is actually next to impossible to do consistently because it involves a great deal of effort and a significant amount of unselfishness. For most males, this is not in our nature. The mystery lies in the rarely mentioned secret to successful leadership...if you want to be a good master, learn how to serve.
My guess would be that if you are trying to win the heart of any good FSU lady who has a family with strong traditional values...they will be watching every move you make to determine the type of husband you will be for their daughter. I know I will be. I have two younger sisters to watch out for, and you can be absolutely certain that any man that is interested in one of them is going to have to impress me and the rest of my brothers before he gets our approval.
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Its been a while since we've updated this thread so would you like to see a fresh view of a ЗАГС (ZAGS) wedding?
We'll walk you step by step thru this brief video.
- Arrive at the bride's home to "ransom" her. In some families you must "buy" her with gifts, from chocolate to the kids who guard the door to nicer gifts for her close relatives/parents.
- Provide the transportation for everyone to the ЗАГС wedding palace.
- Sign more papers, pay fees, stand in line, take photos, stand in line some more, and then stand in line with lots of other couples there to do the same thing.
- Lots of flowers (the grooms responsibility at the end of ceremony) will come from everyone.
- From 00 to 1:00 you see everyone standing, waiting.
- At 1:13 a man appears. He is carrying a large traditional loaf of wedding bread which will be part of the wedding party later. Notice that he has towels--one under the bread but also he has matching wedding towels across his shoulders. Those are symbolic and will used in the ceremony to represent two families becoming one, and the first towel to be used when the couple's children are born.
- 1:22 Inside ZAGS but still waiting.
- 1:28 An attendant gathers the party when it's almost time to enter one of the many wedding halls.
- 1:31 The attendant ushers the party inside the room. Depending on how much you paid for the wedding package, you may hear an organ or in some cases a small string orchestra to play the wedding march.
- 2:10 The man who carried the bread is just behind the couple, a girlfriend or female relative is standing next to the couple with the wedding towels.
- 2:12 The female official (it's almost always a lady official) takes over.
- 2:15 You'll notice that everyone stands, not always, but this is very common. Photographers must work fast because this is a marriage mill and in just 15 or so minutes, this room will be reserved for another couple who is already waiting outside the door for this ceremony to finish.
- 2:50 The main wedding towel is laid on the floor by the couple's attendants. This towel represents two families and the couple step out onto it to make a new family that integrates both sets of relatives. (If they have a religious wedding the towels will be used in the Orthodox or Jewish wedding ceremony also.)
- 3:08 Wondering if this symbol means anything in modern times? Take a look at the bride's face when she steps onto the towel.
- 3:20 The official brings the rings to the groom. He dedicated it and places it on her RIGHT hand (exactly opposite of how we wear them in the West). Notice that it is a single ring, engagement rings are not commonly used by FSU couples. She then places a ring on his RIGHT hand.
- 3:50 As soon as the rings go on the party claps--they are not officially married.
- 4:25 Now the couple must finish signing their marriage documents. It's official. In some ZAGS this is done while seated at a table but this ZAGS the couple stands.
- 4:45 The official introduces the couple before giving them a few brief comments of encouragement.
- 5:14 Just a note about wedding towels as the officiant present the towel to the bride. In the church ceremony two of these towels present would be tied about the couples hands, binding them together during most of the ceremony. In a Jewish wedding these towels have very similar meanings.
- 7:00 Notice that the photographers have been busy in the background? That is because this ceremony is over. The next couple is waiting outside and there is no time for lingering to pose for photos.
- Did you notice that although a civil wedding, it feels and seems more like something of a church styled setting? A big mistake WM think is that because it's a "justice of the peace" type ceremony, it must be cheap and casual. Nothing of the sort in most cases.
- The photos following were taken before the ceremony while the couple was waiting for their turn.
- This party is just starting. They will go en masse to at least one, if not several, parks or memorials to place many of their flowers on tombs of unknown soldiers and/or national heros, etc. They will stop at parks and plazas to open up champagne to make toasts and take photos while on the way to a wedding dinner party in most cases.
- 8:30 The assembled party chants "goika" (bitter) meaning that the wine and champagne they're about to drink is bitter, however the more the couple kisses, the drinks become sweeter and sweeter. There is a LOT of kissing at such a wedding...can't have bitter champagne, now can we?
- 9:12 Still in the parking lot and the celebration begins. The groom pops open the ceremonial first bottle of spirits. In some traditions their hands would be tied with the towels as they give each other a first taste of champagne.
- That big loaf of wedding bread will begin the first part of the wedding dinner ceremonies. As the couple enter the room together a family elder will approach with the bread. They'll each grab for a big of piece as possible because tradition says that whoever breaks off and eats the largest portion gets to be head of the house.
This next video is of a young couple with some different twists--more Orthodox in preparation for a ZAGS wedding.
-00:00 The groom has come to her apartment to collect his bride for the trip to ZAGS. Her family first present them with a traditional Orthodox wedding Icon, just like my wife's family did for us and as my wife and I did for our eldest daughter who was married 2 years ago.
- :30 Leaving the apartment.
- 1:30 Arrival at ZAGS.
- 1:40 Waiting, photos, more waiting.
- 3:00 Open the doors and enter to the traditional Mendelssohn's "Wedding March". For a country that fought Germany in a long war, Russians adore this music. For those interested, it was at the wedding of Princess Victoria, daughter of England's Queen Victoria, that Felix Mendelssohn's composition was used in a Royal wedding. She wed the prince of Prussia and Russians have loved that theme ever since.
3:30 Although musicians have been arranged (thru the ZAGS) and photographers, you can tell that this ceremony is more simple than the first.
- 4:30 In this ceremony the couple sits at the wedding table to sign their final documents.
- 6:13 Holey Moley, he gives her quite the kiss! Then the rings are exchanged.
- 8:25 Dang, this film editor is good--they've moved into the outer hall and I didn't even catch it.
- 9:45 A funny scene here and following: The first toast (again in the ZAGS parking lot) is given and the party starts up the "goika" (bitter) chant to which the couple kisses, and kisses, and kisses as the party counts: Raz (1), Dva (2), Tri (3), and counts to 12. Whether they intended or not, there is some signifance in counting to 3 and to 12--both are tied to the number of times a sacred "Lord, have mercy" is said at certain points in a liturgical blessing, including in the wedding sacrament.
- 10:52 The groom throws his glass to the ground to break it, a common custom in many weddings after the first toast.
Did you catch the old Babushka sweeping back at 10:04 to 10:14 on the porch steps? She will come out and sweep up the glass after the couple leaves. This was a smaller town ZAGS, one of the reasons why there was less pressure to leave the room immediately after the ceremony concluded.
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This ceremony in Kiev adds a few twists.
- 3:30 It is the officiant who offers the first champagne toast near the end of the ceremony!
- 4:00 The wedding bread is incorporated into this ZAGS ceremony.
4:30 First the couple approach and bow three times (representing the Holy Trinity) in submission to the families which brought them into the world and to this point.
- 4:37 The couple kiss the bread as it will be incorporated later in the wedding party ceremony.
- 6:45 In the limo the couple have friends...and you can see the champagne. (The groom was very impressed with the Zal (hall) for some reason.) He was also quite pleased to call her his "Zhe-nah" (wife).
Another wedding in Kiev:
This is only a 3 minute video with highlights, however it adds a couple of new twists too.
- 00:00 The couple visits a favourite historic landmark before going to the Wedding Palace. Not that unusual.
- 1:25 There are those wedding towels again.
- 1:35 Notice the wedding bread is on the officiants wedding table, first time we've seen this.
- 2:25 Attendants bring candles. (In a church wedding the couple hold tall white wedding candles thru the entire ceremony.)