Vinnvinny’s Breakup Story

[Vinnvinny]

I was very much in love with Lena from Kherson and I believe (know) that she felt  the same way about me too. As I have two failed marriages behind me (one my fault, one not – please ask for details if you want proof of that too) I was in no hurry to get married a 3rd time. I travelled to meet her 18 times in 9 months pus a week together in Egypt. Its strange how we see guys ridiculed on this forum for meeting a girl 2 or 3 times and getting married but then at the same time I have been ridiculed by a few members (including Manny and Eduard) for taking my time and being a frequent visitor to Ukraine. I haven’t bought Manny’s book but I presume it's stipulated the optimum amounts of visits allowed before the piss take commences and the "erm, tourist" comments are made?

As the relationship progressed we decided to get married in Kherson in May of this year. Despite us having very little arguments and agreeing on most things, her family readily accepting me into their fold including her Mother and Father who were older than me and her 6 year old son, I couldn’t escape some nagging doubts I had in the back of my mind which principally covered four areas:

1) Personality traits: These covered a number of areas. The first time I met Lena she told me she was a bitch and boy was she correct. I actually like fiery women but at times I saw a temper that was alien to me. She liked the odd bit of vodka too and although I’m a drinker myself when I get drunk I go to sleep. When she got drunk anyone around her had to be very careful – it was like walking on glass. I didn’t think Lena was a particularly good mother either in some respect which, as she really wanted more children, worried me.

2) Her son: A stunningly good looking kid, well behaved but completely spoiled. I have had recent experience of trying to be a step father to a spoilt kid before and it’s a tough call.

3) Her ex husband: From day one he stated that the only way his son would leave Ukraine would be over his dead body. He was an ex boxer and on more than one occasion I had to endure his friends and bothers confronting me and advising me it would be better for my health if I didn’t come back to Kherson. That’s one of the reasons I know Odessa so well because often we (Lena, her son and myself) would meet there to avoid these situations. He was part of the local mafia and on more than one occasion I was informed about a disagreement a guy who married into his family had with him. That guy mysteriously fell off a boat in the Black Sea one night … his body has never been recovered.

4) Sex: Everything in the bedroom was great between us except for one area .. oral sex. She would do anything else, and I mean anything, but she had a complete phobia on this aspect of ‘love making’ which presented me with a big problem. I don’t need anyone to tell me I am being shallow, I know I am but I couldn’t escape from the thought that was I prepared to spend the rest of my life without this activity? The honest answer I always gave myself was no, probably not.

Lena was stunningly beautiful, in many respect way out of my league looks wise. For the most part she had a great personality, never stopped laughing and smiling and showed me tons of affection. She was very excited about moving to England despite the unresolved issues surrounding her son. On that point we decided to postpone our wedding until the summer whilst we attempted to find a solution. That was a hard decision to make on its own, not withstanding the fact that I had already bought air tickets for my 6 kids to attend the wedding plus 3 of my mates (copies available for inspection if required). Of course I bought the cheapest ones that were non refundable.

Over the course of the early part of the spring then despite all the positives concerning this relationship I could not stop thinking we will be divorced in 2 years time. If it had of been just her then I probably would have said “sod it” and went for it but as it involved her child moving to an alien country and more than likely having to move back again I took the decision that I couldn’t go through with it. I had seen the upset in a child’s eyes before when his mother had announced that they were retuning back home to what effectively was ‘nothing’. I saw the anger in his face too towards the only two people in the world that he had ever loved, and I never wanted to see that again.

I took me 2 months to tell Lena that I couldn’t marry her, it was without doubt the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and believe me, I’ve done some things that were tough. Despite being very candid in this post I will refrain from saying what happened after that in more detail expect that for a few months even I at times felt like cutting my throat.

I know Jack wanted me to get married for obvious reasons professionally but I believe personally too. Besides the devastation I brought to Lena’s life and the disappointment to her son and family, my own small children were quite upset too which didn’t help the guilt trip I was on.

[ECR844]

"Vinny,"

I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune and that things didn't work out. We may not always agree, but that doesn't change the fact that you are going through a rough time. I hope things will get better for you and that you will find success and happiness in the future. FWIW, I've also asked for the membership to clarify what the golden magical number of visits is before they perceive success. That question has gone unanswered, so you're not alone on that one.

Best wishes,
Eric

[Vinnvinny]

"Vinny,"

I'm sorry to hear of your misfortune and that things didn't work out. We may not always agree, but that doesn't change the fact that you are going through a rough time. I hope things will get better for you and that you will find success and happiness in the future. FWIW, I've also asked for the membership to clarify what the golden magical number of visits is before they perceive success. That question has gone unanswered, so you're not alone on that one.

Best wishes,
Eric

Eric: I don’t think I was unfortunate and I'm not going through a rough time but thank you for your comments which are appreciated.

[Manny]

The tale was most enlightening. Thanks for sharing it Vinny. 

[Ade]

Vinny you have my sympathies with your breakup as they are rarely easy.

[msmoby]

Sympathies with Vinny here...

[andrewfi]

A sad story and one that rings some bells for me. The worst thing about a breakup like this is that both people do not want the breakup but it has to happen. You did the right thing for your life though, but you know that. I'd be willing to bet that there is stuff about her relationship with her former husband that you do not know or do not share that has shaped her current life and is probably still going on. The drinking does not come from out of the blue - it is medicine! The behaviour when in drink likewise. If she is at all similar to my (recent?) ex(?) then she is hiding a huge amount of frustration and anger with life that she can only express when drunk. With help and a change of life she can improve and be much more normal but without help AND a change of life there is nothing to be done.

[Chris]

Sad story Vinn, but you had the balls to make what was for you the right decision, so kudos to you for that. I hope you find the right one for very soon. A New Year will be here soon, so goodluck with your search.

Chris

[Bruce Lee]

Sorry to hear your story Vinny, but in truth I am also sorry that you felt you were required to tell it!

All I can say is good luck in the future and I hope that the new year brings more cheerful stories!

Take it easy!

[NAB]

Sorry to hear about your situation there vin.  This pursuit can tear the heart and wallet right out of ya.

[dazzer]

I am also sorry to read this
You made one hell of an effort in that relationship Vinny, and in the end your decision, was what you thought was best for not just you, but others. I hope you find what your looking for, and i have a feeling you will

Regards
dazzer  

[anjutka]

sad story....i think one of the lesson is to find it during first trips all minuses which you dont like in the person...at least talking about sex and all those thing are absolutely necessary.... :

[cufflinks]

Who is the braver man? The one who stays in a sometimes vodka challenged relationship with a smokin hot kova and an ex husband boxer throwing around Mafiya threats about black sea cement boots?

Or the physically and mentally tough man who was merely seeking a real love connection only to find the potential long term complications of the relationship to be much too apt to put him in a position where he may have to defend himself and live with consequences that could put his innocent kids who depend upon him at risk.  I may not always agree with you but I RESPECT you.

Having grown up in a tough world among tough trades and military men one learns to respect threats - not to fear the people who make them but to fear the potential adverse results should you be the one forced to take corrective action.

I heard much wisdom from any early age including "If you decide to dig one grave - remember to dig two!"

Vinny - you are a decent man who had to make a tough decision and the best one for both you and your kids.

Best wishes for a merry christmas and happy holidays and health, wealth and happiness in the new year!

May I ask - would you go on one of Jack's tours again to find a special lady or do you prefer some other methods based upon your experiences and hard earned knowledge?

[Vinnvinny]

Thanks dazzer, anjutka and cufflinks.

May I ask - would you go on one of Jack's tours again to find a special lady or do you prefer some other methods based upon your experiences and hard earned knowledge?

Other methods. IMO Jack is fine for someone who hasn't been to the FSU before or for someone with very little experience. Having said that I may meet him over the New Year in Kiev and have a few beers and hit some clubs with him, but I'm now well past the need to use anyone for their knowledge and support services.