My first Mistake

[Paul]

My First Mistake:

I’m sure there is probably someone out there who will read this, and try to use some of what I will write here at a later date against me; if my writing about my experience saves someone from making the same mistakes that I made, I don’t care.

Some quick background for those who do not already know: A few years ago I joined an American dating site with the idea of meeting someone locally. After surfing the site for a while and not finding anyone who interested me, I saw the profile of a very attractive Romanian woman and began talking with her. Talking to someone living in another country was new and very different to me (and kind of exciting), and while things went nowhere with this Romanian woman it opened up the possibility of meeting someone from outside of the U.S. I talked with women from all over Western and Eastern Europe until I met the first Russian woman who I was to become involved with. We “clicked” immediately, and soon I began making plans to visit her in Moscow. I had no knowledge of any Russian women forums until I began searching for information on the Internet about visiting Russia, and I now wish that I had discovered them long before my meeting Miss Moscow.

Miss Moscow had it a little better than most Soviet Russians growing up, she is very well educated, and one of the most intelligent people I have ever met, she has a very nice flat in the city center, and had her profile on an American dating site as a result of “encouragement” from her best friend who lives in the Washington D.C. area. When we met, she was just ending her employment as a marketing director with a company in Moscow that is very well known throughout the world. During the time we were learning about each other, and just before my trip, she gained employment with a new company as a marketing director (job details are much more complicated), and put off her starting date until after my trip. Also during this time of learning about each other, I made my intentions of wanting to marry someone very clear, I was completely honest with her about the kind of work I do, how much I earn, and about my educational background (a high school graduate with a few collage courses). At the time, everything was okay with the both of us.

I took my first trip to Russia, and stayed at a hotel while I was there. We met, there was chemistry, and everything was going along perfectly. When I returned to the States I was very excited about my trip, and wrote what I thought was a decent, not too reveling trip report on another site. I continued to make posts on that site until my second trip to Russia which came three months later. Again, everything was going along perfectly leading up to my second trip, there wasn’t a day that we did not talk on the phone for at least an hour, and we couldn’t wait to see each other again. When I made my second trip, I stayed with her at her flat; she was not able to take too much time off from her new job, and I had time to kill until she came home everyday. I used her computer to kill that time, and I made the mistake of visiting the usual websites that I often hung out on. When I left Moscow she discovered what I had written about her, which were really all glowing things of praise for her. She was not impressed to say the least, and it almost ended our relationship, but it didn’t. We had several long talks about my writing on the net, and she is much more understanding about it now.

Things between us continued, and we began to talk much more about our future together, these things were talked about before, but not with the seriousness that was to come. We talked about things like where we would live since she knew I lived in a small city, and that it would be almost impossible for her to leave her big city life completely behind, and this wasn’t a problem for me. The problems began when she started mentioning that I should change the kind of work I do, since her ideal relationship was with someone who could be considered a “professional,” she also began to have second thoughts about moving to the United States and wanted me to consider moving to Moscow (my moving to Moscow came up a couple of times before this, and I mentioned it at that other site).

So still with the idea of her moving here, or my moving to Moscow, I began to look into some online collage courses, and discovered that they do not hold to much weight (no one takes them too serious). I tried to figure out how I could spend less time at work, and take a course or two at my local collage, and discovered that with the amount of time that I would have had to of taken off from my job, combined with the amount of time it would have taken to get any kind of degree, we were looking way into the future, and it just wasn’t going to happen soon enough for us. We didn’t give up yet; I searched and searched the Internet for the possibility of finding a job that I could do in Moscow,.. and you guessed it, I would have better chance of winning the lottery than I would finding a job that I was qualified for with my education and lack of an ability to speak Russian fluently in Moscow. *A quick BTW, what you would earn teaching English as a second language in Moscow is a joke, and not anywhere close to what you would need to survive on (yeah, I know it’s funny, but I looked into it :p ).

Miss Moscow started to become frustrated with me, and I started to become depressed. We talked less, and when she mentioned anything that had to do with my finding a different line off work, our conversations grinded to a halt. I loved Miss Moscow more than I have ever loved anyone in my life, and I still wasn’t ready to give up, so with some money I had put away on the side, I quit my job with the hope of being able to find something with much more time on my hands. After doing the same type of work for the past fifteen years, it was another impossibility to find something that would come close to paying me what I was used to earning. During this time of looking, Miss Moscow and I drifted completely apart not talking with each other hardly at all, or making plans for me to ever visiting her again. I gave up on the relationship and called my old employer who was happy to hire me again. Sometime after returning to work, Miss Moscow and I began talking again, and we still remain very good friends; if I could find something else *rolls-eye’s* the possibility of us continuing things still exist. I took this relationship not working out much harder than I have with any other, and it was a while before I got over it *rolling-eye’s-again*

All of the above could have been avoided if I had just faced the fact we are not cut from the same cloth (when we first met). Her background and lifestyle are/were way out of my league and I was only fooling myself by thinking I could provide her with a similar lifestyle that she would be happy with here. I’m glad we didn’t marry because she would have been miserable in no time at all; I care about her too much to put her through anything like that. I will always be forever grateful for having met this incredible woman with a heart of gold; I only wish that I could have given her what she was looking for.

My Second Mistake: Was with a woman who posts on a different site so I will not say too much about it here, only that things went well up to, and during our first/last meeting. Things didn’t go bad until after I returned to the U.S. when she started showing signs of extreme jealousy, I like when women are a little jealous, but she was way over the top.

My Third Mistake: Seems to be a continuing work in progrees.  : : :

[Ward_Cleaver]

Thanks for sharing day_dreamer.  But I wonder about something.  You said:

we are not cut from the same cloth (when we first met). Her background and lifestyle are/were way out of my league and I was only fooling myself by thinking I could provide her with a similar lifestyle that she would be happy with here. I’m glad we didn’t marry because she would have been miserable in no time at all; I only wish that I could have given her what she was looking for.

If she is looking for a good guy I think SHE blew it, not you.  Don't sell yourself short.  From what I know of you from your posts your are a real catch.  If she is looking for money you are better off without her.  Just my two bits.

[mirror]

DD,

so where are your mistakes? I don't see them.You made just what was right for you.It is not mistakes...it is a life.I think it is the best what you did.
See? just a little of change of angle of view and you will see the some benefit from your experience. Why not to continue to communicate with Moscow woman? I think you both can be friends and who knows maybe one day you both will decide  something . 
Don't regret about anything!

[Paul]

Thanks for sharing day_dreamer.  But I wonder about something.  You said:

we are not cut from the same cloth (when we first met). Her background and lifestyle are/were way out of my league and I was only fooling myself by thinking I could provide her with a similar lifestyle that she would be happy with here. I’m glad we didn’t marry because she would have been miserable in no time at all; I only wish that I could have given her what she was looking for.

If she is looking for a good guy I think SHE blew it, not you.  Don't sell yourself short.  From what I know of you from your posts your are a real catch.  If she is looking for money you are better off without her.  Just my two bits.

I appreciate that Ward, thanks. BUT, you (all of us in general)  shouldn't ask someone you care about to lower their lifestyle from what they have been use to their entire life, it's a bit selfish. I posted "my first mistake" just in case someone was entering into a similar situation, they can see how things ended up with me (which is not to say that it would be the same for them).

[mogurx]

Perhaps this is a little late, but OF COURSE I made mistakes also.

After one crash - over the internet - so maybe not really too bad - I received a piece of advice.

A friend has a UW for a wife and we both were living in a fairly small US city.  The population was under 50K.  I had envisioned going to an even smaller place in the near future.

He said "M, these are CITY GIRLS.  How do you think they will adapt to a rural place?  They will call it 'village' ". 

So, the thought is the same.  You can not expect to change countries, change languages, and give up so much, then also expect to have her change her lifestyle, her local environment  so different.  Perhaps the same is said for "professional job" or whatever it is called.  There has to be some equality or similar levels to make things work out.  Even then, things are not just a piece of cake.

Maybe I don't say this well, but I think I know what I mean.  DD seems to have figured this out in a different way, but it is the same thought.

just my 02 rubles (worth more now than when I got married - the $ is less)

[Wild Orchid]

there is an exception to every rule. People from big cities do live in small towns. Some women ended up on the farms in USA, i don't know how they manage but they do somehow. But there is another rule I've heard of and tried to discuss it on another forum - men more often marry _down, women usually marry ^up. I can't imagine a woman going to the marriage knowing that her life style will change for worse.

[ECR844]

there is an exception to every rule. People from big cities do live in small towns. Some women ended up on the farms in USA, i don't know how they manage but they do somehow. But there is another rule I've heard of and tried to discuss it on another forum - men more often marry _down, women usually marry ^up. I can't imagine a woman going to the marriage knowing that her life style will change for worse.

"WO,"

  Different doesn't necessarily = worse. If economics are your sole standard of value in your life than surely you are missing out on alot of important stuff in a big way.

"D_D,"

   I'm not sure based on what you posted that you made a "mistake". It sounds like as the realtionship evolved she began to have "visions" of changing you from who you are and what you do into what she felt "you should be." That seems to be one of the more primary issues that caused things to go sour.

[Chillidog]

Perhaps this is a little late, but OF COURSE I made mistakes also.

After one crash - over the internet - so maybe not really too bad - I received a piece of advice.

A friend has a UW for a wife and we both were living in a fairly small US city.  The population was under 50K.  I had envisioned going to an even smaller place in the near future.

He said "M, these are CITY GIRLS.  How do you think they will adapt to a rural place?  They will call it 'village' ". 

So, the thought is the same.  You can not expect to change countries, change languages, and give up so much, then also expect to have her change her lifestyle, her local environment  so different.  Perhaps the same is said for "professional job" or whatever it is called.  There has to be some equality or similar levels to make things work out.  Even then, things are not just a piece of cake.

Maybe I don't say this well, but I think I know what I mean.  DD seems to have figured this out in a different way, but it is the same thought.

just my 02 rubles (worth more now than when I got married - the $ is less)

I am not trying to be argutive but I guess I should just give it up?

I live in a town of less then 1000 people, with this logic what do I have to offer the woman I go to visit  that lives in a city of 1.25 million?

I am certainly no expert on Russian life but what Russian village of 1000 people, should I search to I find a life partner? or for that matter village of my size should I search in any country?

[mendeleyev]

DD, I find your analysis very wise.  Like Ward stated, you are a good catch and hopefully the most special lady will come into your life soon.


ChiliDog, there are lots of ladies who are comfortable in a small town.  Perhaps you should look in similiar places and speak honestly about it.  Second, find a lady of good character and the size of town won't mean so much.

[Wild Orchid]

"WO,"

  Different doesn't necessarily = worse. If economics are your sole standard of value in your life than surely you are missing out on alot of important stuff in a big way.

I wasn't talking about different, I was talking about "worse". Before you start judging me may be you should try to find out about me more? On the second though, better not...

I am certainly no expert on Russian life but what Russian village of 1000 people, should I search to I find a life partner? or for that matter village of my size should I search in any country?

Why does everyone think that it is about the size of the place he lives in? I used to live in places with 1.25 million or 500000 of people, now I live in a small town that became a talk of the press because our population grew from 2000 to 3000 in 7 years... Wow!  : It was a village and it stays a village and  it is very hard for me.... First 5 years I just hated the place and was thinking that I'm waisting the best years of my life in that hole, now when I'm close to 10 years mark I'm used to it but still hate it. It has nothing to do with my husband or the type of person he is, yes we are different and I'm much better educated but I'd be stupid to ask him to change or take some courses at his age, he is a professional at what he does and a very good one and I have a huge respect for that.

[ECR844]

"WO,"


It wasn't a judgement, but an observation. There is an important difference between the two.

[Wild Orchid]

"WO,"


It wasn't a judgement, but an observation. There is an important difference between the two.

If economics are your sole standard of value in your life than surely you are missing out on alot of important stuff in a big way.

: what ever

[AkMike]

I am not trying to be argutive but I guess I should just give it up?

I live in a town of less then 1000 people, with this logic what do I have to offer the woman I go to visit  that lives in a city of 1.25 million?

I am certainly no expert on Russian life but what Russian village of 1000 people, should I search to I find a life partner? or for that matter village of my size should I search in any country?

Bob, Don't sweat it too much. It's not like you can't zip over to a bigger town and shop for something. It's alot harder to go from town to town over there because of the bus systems and taxi's. Imagine trying to drag a new couch or bedroom set on a bus! LOL
 Pump up the good things about small town life and such.
 I did try to look at this when I was searching too. I found Tanya in a city of a similar size as Anchorage.. But IF I were to base off from her I don't think small town life would even make her blink twice. She's seen the village (pop.650)that my family is from near BBQ's city and she liked the area.
 

[Chillidog]

Why does everyone think that it is about the size of the place he lives in? I used to live in places with 1.25 million or 500000 of people, now I live in a small town that became a talk of the press because our population grew from 2000 to 3000 in 7 years... Wow!  : It was a village and it stays a village and  it is very hard for me.... First 5 years I just hated the place and was thinking that I'm waisting the best years of my life in that hole, now when I'm close to 10 years mark I'm used to it but still hate it. It has nothing to do with my husband or the type of person he is, yes we are different and I'm much better educated but I'd be stupid to ask him to change or take some courses at his age, he is a professional at what he does and a very good one and I have a huge respect for that.

Bob, Don't sweat it too much. It's not like you can't zip over to a bigger town and shop for something. It's alot harder to go from town to town over there because of the bus systems and taxi's. Imagine trying to drag a new couch or bedroom set on a bus! LOL
 Pump up the good things about small town life and such.
 I did try to look at this when I was searching too. I found Tanya in a city of a similar size as Anchorage.. But IF I were to base off from her I don't think small town life would even make her blink twice. She's seen the village (pop.650)that my family is from near BBQ's city and she liked the area.

ChiliDog, there are lots of ladies who are comfortable in a small town.  Perhaps you should look in similiar places and speak honestly about it.  Second, find a lady of good character and the size of town won't mean so much.

WO, mendeleyev, AkMike,

thanks, that is my feelings exactly and the point I was trying to make in my orginal post, in response to "mogurx" statements that the mistake "DD" make was he is from a small village and his friend was from a much larger city.

It is about finding a "good woman" no matter what size the city! You will find woman from Moscow who would not blink an eye at living in a small town and you can find a woman from a remote village in Russia who wants nothing to do with living in a small town again.

find a person you are compatable with, build a good loving relationship and everything eles will work itself out.

Though I do agree that finding someone who lives in a similar sized town, will cut down on the many adjustment difficulties, and what I was hoping to find myself. In my search I did eliminate cities like Moscow, St. Peterburg, Kiev, but

in my situation where in the heck would I search to find a village of 1000 people in Russia?
then if I did find one, how would I communicate with her? or even find a way other than by muleback in visiting her? (not being derogatory towards Russia, just trying to make an extreme point)

Miss Omsk, knows full well the size of my town, and yes she has some concerns (if our relationship goes this route) of living in a town of this size.

but first we must get to that point,

then there will be adjustments needed to be made by both of us beyond just adjusting to the size of the town

[Corp]

My wife is from St. petersburg (her whole life), I believe she would live on a mountain top with me..... might even like it.

NOt long ago we were at a picnic with some local Russian type folk and a number of them were
asking her how she can go from St. Pet to Charlotte, for them it IS amazing. So the sentiment is out there.

I knew fairly well several FSU babes and all of them would have adapted with the change as well. Don't think for a minute that ALL ladies are looking to live in NY.

You should be able to gauge in just a few letters what type of lady you are dealing with.
Ask questions like "where would you like to see yourself in ten years. She will answer back with basic things but then you reply by getting more specific. Figure out what makes her tick.
You can even tell by the photos she send, what is important to her.

There really are a ton of nice ladies over there.

[Paul]

Why not to continue to communicate with Moscow woman? I think you both can be friends and who knows maybe one day you both will decide  something .

Okay, first of all, my apologies to everyone for not replying to this topic earlier. I posted my experience because I saw another member here at RUA going down the same road that I did, and I did not want to just come out and tell him that I thought his relationship was doomed. Unfortunately he suffered the same fate that I did, and I will leave things at that, except to say that the woman from Moscow and I are still very good friends... even though she is in a relationship with someone from the Balkans, and I am in a new relationship with someone from Romania The woman from Moscow is a saint and I will always feel that I am one of the luckiest people on earth for ever having been in a relationship with her, even though the outcome wasn't what I wanted.

[Chillidog]

Okay, first of all, my apologies to everyone for not replying to this topic earlier. I posted my experience because I saw another member here at RUA going down the same road that I did, and I did not want to just come out and tell him that I thought his relationship was doomed. Unfortunately he suffered the same fate that I did, and I will leave things at that, except to say that the woman from Moscow and I are still very good friends... even though she is in a relationship with someone from the Balkans, and I am in a new relationship with someone from Romania The woman from Moscow is a saint and I will always feel that I am one of the luckiest people on earth for ever having been in a relationship with her, even though the outcome wasn't what I wanted.

DD,

I feel the same way about the women I have met along this journey, maybe this says something about my ablity in judging a person's character or maybe it say's that I do not have a good ability to judge character because I have yet to meet the "One".

I like to think the first, because I have meet some women of very good quality. I think they for the "right" man would be everything a man would hope for in a wife. I have enjoyed all of my experiences regardless of the end result.

I wishing you success and hoping that together your present "friend" and you have found the person you have been searching for.

[mirror]

I like to think the first, because I have meet some women of very good quality. I think they for the "right" man would be everything a man would hope for in a wife.

Let us to hope that you didn't get internal complexes because of no succesfull meetings.These women were just not for you...simple that.Don't regret!Don't look back! Look forward! Your woman is waiting for you somwhere.

[skiingandrunning]

Thanks for the post as I think we all can learn something from it.   I had a similar situation with a daughter of a mini-Oligarch, as I had the education to compete with her as I had two graduate degrees from good schools (she had a Law degree from INTERUN), and I made enough money.  What killed it was expectations as she was used to getting things like Range Rovers from her boyfriends and she thought my Toyota Camry was not a very good car and wanted to get me a Mercedes.  It took a long time, but I realized that this difference in income expectations and issues related to child raising (her's) would kill the relationship in the end despite very good chemistry.  I walked away from it and we stayed friends and met about 6 months later as I was in Moscow on another trip and we both realized it was the correct thing.  OK, after all my rambling, I will say that RW really value education and job title (e.g. status) so these are things to consider when looking for someone to meet, especially if she is somewhat successful. 

On a side note, the lady in this cased ended up with a movie director and seems to be very happy.  In my case, we'll see what the future brings...

[Voyager]

Wow, lots of changes since the original post in this thread...  8)

I live in a town of less then 1000 people, with this logic what do I have to offer the woman I go to visit  that lives in a city of 1.25 million?

I'm  curious Chili, did you end up with a "city girl"

[ECR844]

Wow, lots of changes since the original post in this thread...  8)

I live in a town of less then 1000 people, with this logic what do I have to offer the woman I go to visit  that lives in a city of 1.25 million?

I'm  curious Chili, did you end up with a "city girl"

He's involved with a sweet young lady from Kaluga.

[Voyager]

Wow, lots of changes since the original post in this thread...  8)

I live in a town of less then 1000 people, with this logic what do I have to offer the woman I go to visit  that lives in a city of 1.25 million?

I'm  curious Chili, did you end up with a "city girl"

He's involved with a sweet young lady from Kaluga.

If guess so, if she lives in the "city" proper.although some Russians live out in the semi-rural suburbs

[Irinka]

there is an exception to every rule. People from big cities do live in small towns. Some women ended up on the farms in USA, i don't know how they manage but they do somehow. But there is another rule I've heard of and tried to discuss it on another forum - men more often marry _down, women usually marry ^up. I can't imagine a woman going to the marriage knowing that her life style will change for worse.

Please, you can explain  marry up? I not understand this.

[WestCoast]

there is an exception to every rule. People from big cities do live in small towns. Some women ended up on the farms in USA, i don't know how they manage but they do somehow. But there is another rule I've heard of and tried to discuss it on another forum - men more often marry _down, women usually marry ^up. I can't imagine a woman going to the marriage knowing that her life style will change for worse.

Please, you can explain  marry up? I not understand this.

Irinka welcome to the forum. "Marry up" in the manner Wild Orchid is using it means to marry someone who has a financially better lifestyle than youself.  Usually it means to marry someone who is significantly wealthier than yourself. 

For example if a woman is working at a job that pays very little and living in a cheap apartment and then marries a man who is a multimillionaire and lives in a mansion then the woman has married up.   

[Irinka]

Thank you for welcome!

And for explain!



I find this place I looking for Ukraine news, but now I practise English here


Sorry for many mistakes.