Ode to a Sugar Baby

[justadude]

You can read about much of this in Adventure Stories. But I thought I'd make a summary here. I started dating a beautiful 25yo girl in February in Odessa. Our relationship began as a specific arrangement with an agreed upon allowance of $800/month. She quit her job soon after our relationship started and moved to a nicer apartment. Our relationship survived 6 months, a trip to Egypt together and a one month trip by me alone to California, during which she dog sat in my apartment.

To me she was a drop dead gorgeous knockout. Often I'd wonder about what forces could have conspired to create such a beautiful creature. She worked on her abs and ass every day. Truly amazing. She also wore clothes I liked (short dresses, heels, lingerie, costumes). Went to the spa twice a week. Nails and hair always beautiful. No kids.

 There were some power struggles along the way, culminating in 4 big talks where I described how things were not working for me. On the last big one, about 6 weeks ago, I broke up with her.

 I knew it wasn't going to be easy to replace her, so when we met for lunch for the tradition of giving her back the stuff she left at my apartment, we starting talking and got back together 5 days later.

At this time she told me she wanted something less serious. I didn't really understand at the time, but as it turned out she didn't really want romance any more. There was sex, making dinner, watching netflix, but we didn't really go out any more. Incidentally at this time we agreed to see each other every other day.

One day while we were driving in my car, a notification from a dating app popped up on my phone. At the time her girlfriend was riding in the back. So it was embarrassing for her. She talked to me about it later. Said she wasn't angry. While trying not to sound defensive, I told her we both knew the relationship wouldn't last forever. She told me she didn't mind if I had sex with another girl, so long as I use a condom. As it turned out, that did not happen.

A week ago she told me she wanted to take a break in our relationship, by text. Incidentally, I have no problem with the delivery method. I think I handled it quite well. I told her she needs to do what's right for her. And that she's a great girl and I wish her well. She replied that she only wants a break. I wasn't going to argue, but in my mind there is no such thing. I believe in second chances (ok 3rd in this case), but planning for a break isn't practical.

I'm not sitting around waiting for her, but I'm pretty down about it. I haven't deleted the pictures on my phone yet, even though I hate to run across them. This hurts a lot more than I had anticipated. I'm almost always the relationship ender, and that's not easy for me either. You can read elsewhere about the guilt I experience from that. From a karma perspective I definitely deserve this pain.

Just before the relationship ended I introduced a friend to her sister. They hit it off and their relationship started just when ours ended. Honestly it's hard for me to be happy for him(I feel stupid for admitting that, but I'm being honest), even though he's a really cool dude and the sister is great too.

I'm trying to stay busy. In fact, I started teaching in one Ukrainian university and studying in another.

I think about things I could have done differently. I don't always think being nicer to a girl gets you what you want. And I'm not suggesting that being an ass is good either. But for sure I could have put more effort into keeping her.

So there's the story. I'm not looking for advice, but I'll probably get some anyways, this being an internet forum and all. Maybe if I continue to share my struggles someone out there will benefit.

[andrewfi]

Hmm, subtlety, good taste and tact, three aspects of your personality that appear to be something of a dead zone.

Maybe add to that, a lack of proficiency with modern technology such as smartphones.

Given what we know about you, I am inclined to think that you did not silence those dating app notifications on purpose. You wanted to signal to her that you wanted out and she was tactful enough to give it to you without slicing off your nuts or emptying your apartment.

[Steveboy]

Here we go again time for tissues and tears..

[NS1]

Based on your other stories, this is the inevitable end.
Arrangments are great and may serve a purpose,
but rarely do they last forever, everyone has different span of time.

You already know this, so the pain is expected, want different results,
do it different. I do like your updates, hopefully someday you figure it out.

[AvHdB]

Answer for your self where do you see your self in 5 ~ 10 years.

[Guile]

I feel like I've heard this story before...

[andrewfi]

Setting aside for a moment the way you treated this woman - that followed your usual pattern, nothing noteworthy there.

You did what many men do, what I have talked about before - you treated this as a romantic relationship. It isn't, it wasn't.

You were paying for her time. However, you loaded the relationship up with emotional overtones. She didn't. She understood that you might want to have sex with other women. You were paying for her time and she accepted it. All she did was to give you a simple rule to follow - no unprotected sex with them. I assume you had bareback privileges or she would not have bothered to set that boundary.

She did want to place emotional distance between the two of you. She recognised the type of relationship and was unwilling to undergo the emotional stress of giving you emotional contact. That's fair enough, but it is a clear signal that you were overstepping the boundaries of what you were paying for.

It is, as I have said before, a problem for guys. We pay for somebody to be with us because it gives us access to something that would not happen without the lubricant of cash but then we 'fall in love'. The women don't fall in love. OK, there might be exceptions, but you are not the kind of bloke with whom women fall in love and, of course, it wasn't what she was offering.

Sensibly, she was unwilling to kill the goose that lays golden eggs and offered you a way back in. Of course, she will have been looking for a replacement so you'd become the backup choice -but she'd make sure you didn't feel bad about it.

There's a reason that most sponsorship arrangements work best when the man has a wife or long-term relationship already. The sponsoree provides access to her attractive pussy and the man fills his emotional boots with his existing relationship. There's no conflict there.
A single guy is an ideal candidate to fall in love with said attractive pussy. It's what guys do. It's how we're wired.

I am guessing that, for you love=control. Emotional closeness=control. You thought that the control that money gave you was the same as emotional closeness - it isn't. You're going to have problems until you manage to understand what love is and break the link between control and close relationships.

Next time, forget about emotional attachment. Have sex, enjoy sex. Have beautiful woman for social company, enjoy beautiful woman for social company. Don't fall in love with it.

Of course, underlying all this are your emotional issues. You are unlikely to solve that problem in Ukraine - I doubt that there are qualified professionals who can relate to you culturally and linguistically.

[justadude]

Answer for your self where do you see your self in 5 ~ 10 years.

This is a burning question for me. In 5 years maybe I'll still be in Ukraine, teaching in a university. In 10 years, I suppose I'll be back in the US, or maybe North Western Mexico. I hope at some point I begin to embrace the pursuit of lifetime monogamy, because I think it's likely the best path to contentedness, especially for an aging man. I suspect I will continue to get in and out of 3-9 month relationships.

My Dad led a similar life to me, but not as extreme. He married a Filipina my age 12 years before he died at 84. He helped her and her two daughters get US citizenship, She was with him to the very end.  Using his model, I still have a few years left to be stupid. But if my underlying mindset doesn't change, I'll probably die alone.

How do you want something you know you should want, but you don't really want? Logically what I'm doing doesn't make a lot of sense.

And how about you, Arie? Where do you want to be in 5-10 years? Or anyone else that cares to chime in. What do you want out of life? What should I want?

[Danchik]

Thinking 5-10 years down the road is a waste of time IMO. So many things can change in a year, much less in 5-10.

One thing that Russia has taught me is to live for today. It's not like I didn't know this, but it's much more Western thinking to think 5-10 years down the road and not live in the moment. Life is too harsh for most Russians to think this way.

If you would have told me I'd being living in Russia 5 years before I move here I would have said you were out of your mind. My 17 year anniversary living here was last month .

I remember when I first arrived and ask a Russian guy where he saw himself in 5-10 years and he said almost immediately, "I don't know what I'll be doing next week". I loved his answer.

I have gone from the 5-10 year paradigm plan to about a year. I plan for the year, but really, it's more like week to week. Living in the moment is the way to go, nevertheless, for many (especially Westerners) it's easier said than done.

[Danchik]

Answer for your self where do you see your self in 5 ~ 10 years.

How do you want something you know you should want, but you don't really want? Logically what I'm doing doesn't make a lot of sense.

And how about you, Arie? Where do you want to be in 5-10 years? Or anyone else that cares to chime in. What do you want out of life? What should I want?

I read a great quote from Walt Whitman the other day; "be curious, not judgemental".

Life is full of interesting things to do, learn and experience. Speaking a new language, learning a new skill, experiencing new ways of getting the most of what life has to offer and being the best possible you, etc. is the recipe for an interesting life.

Another thing I have done is relish the difficult. Doing difficult things is, well, difficult. But, they are also the most rewarding and build the most character. Think of something you have done that was difficult. Now think of how you felt after you successfully accomplish it. Now think about easy. Nothing wrong with easy, but the feelings are not the same. Embrace the difficult.

Let the small minded people make judgements. I'm going kayaking.

[Gipsy]

Thinking 5-10 years down the road is a waste of time IMO. So many things can change in a year, much less in 5-10.

One thing that Russia has taught me is to live for today. It's not like I didn't know this, but it's much more Western thinking to think 5-10 years down the road and not live in the moment. Life is too harsh for most Russians to think this way.

If you would have told me I'd being living in Russia 5 years before I move here I would have said you were out of your mind. My 17 year anniversary living here was last month .

I remember when I first arrived and ask a Russian guy where he saw himself in 5-10 years and he said almost immediately, "I don't know what I'll be doing next week". I loved his answer.

I have gone from the 5-10 year paradigm plan to about a year. I plan for the year, but really, it's more like week to week. Living in the moment is the way to go, nevertheless, for many (especially Westerners) it's easier said than done.

Ditto, 100% agree with all of this.....

[BillyB]

A week ago she told me she wanted to take a break in our relationship, by text.

Did she want to take a break from the $800 per month allowance too?

Now that you're completely broke up with her and she quit her job, how is she going to pay for that nice apartment of hers? She has another guy lined up before breaking up with you?

[Steveboy]

A week ago she told me she wanted to take a break in our relationship, by text.

Did she want to take a break from the $800 per month allowance too?

Now that you're completely broke up with her and she quit her job, how is she going to pay for that nice apartment of hers? She has another guy lined up before breaking up with you?

She has another guy lined up before breaking up with you?. You mean another 15 guys.. Its just business , threesomes, foursomes, gang bangs and so on..$$$$$$$$

[redroo]

Steve,
that's just cruel man.
JAD was obviously hurting to write an "ode" to her, and here of all places. I admire his honesty, and don't think we should be trashing someone he still cares for. Fair enough?

[NS1]

Steve tells it like it is, sometimes it is his like it is.
I am sure she likely had a local boyfriend part or all of the time.
She sounds bright enough and knew it would not last forever.
I am sure she has it figured out, or maybe she hopes another is coming along

I will agree you had too much invested in a pay for girl services.
you wante dthis deal, why get emotional? It was business yes?
Don't want that feeling then don't do that deal.

[Steveboy]

Surely everyone here gets bored of these threads all about the same story , same happening same ending..

Doesn't Historic Personality Disorder come to mind? Has no one noticed? I noticed about 3 years ago..

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9743-histrionic-personality-disorder

Someone needs treatment..

What are the complications of histrionic personality disorder?

Histrionic personality disorder can affect a person’s social or romantic relationships, and how a person react to losses or failures. People with this disorder are also at higher risk than the general population to have depression.

[NS1]

Surely everyone here gets bored of these threads all about the same story , same happening same ending..

Doesn't Historic Personality Disorder come to mind? Has no one noticed? I noticed about 3 years ago..

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9743-histrionic-personality-disorder

Someone needs treatment..

You might be right, but your telling me arguing back and forth
over the same political shit is better?
Atleast the dating world has some level and value entertainment wise

[Steveboy]

Surely everyone here gets bored of these threads all about the same story , same happening same ending..

Doesn't Historic Personality Disorder come to mind? Has no one noticed? I noticed about 3 years ago..

https://my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/9743-histrionic-personality-disorder

Someone needs treatment..

You might be right, but your telling me arguing back and forth
over the same political shit is better?
Atleast the dating world has some level and value entertainment wise

 :thumbs:Yeah you could be right there also!

[justadude]

A week ago she told me she wanted to take a break in our relationship, by text.

Did she want to take a break from the $800 per month allowance too?

Now that you're completely broke up with her and she quit her job, how is she going to pay for that nice apartment of hers? She has another guy lined up before breaking up with you?

She started working again a month before the breakup. It appeared obvious to me that this was her parachute for a soft landing. I didn't try to talk her out of it because I knew the relationship would end one way or another. I'm not much of an advice giver, even with people I'm close to (or think I'm close to, for those whose narrative is that I was being played). I suppose its possible that she was hoping I would have tried to talk her out of the job when she first told me about it. She talked about it for several days before she started the training. Maybe it was a test to see if I would advocate for her/us that I failed.

She's always handled things with tact and grace. The night I broke up with her she asked if she could stay at my house for some time while she cried a little bit. No yelling or blaming. I don't know how to attract a woman that acts that way. When we reconciled she playfully told me I was stupid for breaking up with her, which is undeniable, haha.

She has moved out of the nice place (back to her apartment with her sister I think). I don't know much about her life now, but I did hear from her a few days ago.  It's absolutely possible that she has a new boyfriend or sugar daddy, but I doubt it. I care but it's not my business.

It seems to me that when humans are involved romantically for significant periods of time that they tend to share their resources. My net worth is 2 orders of magnitude greater than hers. The allowance was a no brainer. She went to the beach, spent time with her babushka, sister and niece, went to the salon to look pretty, always looked amazing when I picked her up, wore lingerie, made it her constant goal to make me happy sexually, cooked, took care of my dogs, translated tirelessly. It was really cool to me that I could change her life like that.

This is my first experience with giving a girl an allowance. I assumed it would be easy to find another girl like her, but now I think she was more of a unicorn.

[Guile]

why did you break up again? i really don't get it.

[Texan77]

I do not get it neither!!!

[Steveboy]

I do not get it neither!!!

I already said what the problem is.. Historic Personality Disorder and you lot just suck it in..

A brand new thread will be on the way within a few weeks to keep you all busy oooing and rrring 

[andrewfi]

Yeah a new way for justadude to display his 'foibles'.

Maybe the guy should just get himself a harem of short term company.

[NS1]

Well he seems to like the lifestyle and enjoys the ups and downs of it all,
and from a reading point of view, its more entertaining than the
96 thread of people fighting the same political fight or arguing over
how the vaccine works, unless most haven't notice, no one has swayed anyone
to their side in the last 2 years, talk about 

I will give credit for the endless posting of those trying to win an un- winnable argument
So I enjoy the off the track threads that provide some entertianment value, even at the mental cost
of the poster

[Guile]

True he's the only poster who's actually in an FSU country right now dating girls...but every time he seems to find the "one" he decides to break up with her over perceived issues that sound very minor. 

If it happened once fine, it's happened like 4-5 times. I lost track.