Doug's thread of "funny" stories

[Lord of the Dance]

I haven't been too active here recently due to an incredibly busy schedule but a couple of things to note: I'll be updating some old threads soon (Ukrainian penpal gal / moving into my own home) and trying to post more frequently. Good things on the horizon including travel. 

But meantime this place is getting a little quiet so I thought I might offer a little entertainment by C&Ping some of my facebook stories over here. These are all true stories that I occasionally write up to hopefully elicit a chuckle or two from my FB friends... figured I'd try sharing them here too (I should note that they might not all be funny either, hence the quotation marks in the title). If no one finds them appealing I'll discontinue. Hope you're all doing well. I'm optimistic that we'll be out of the worst of the pandemic by late summer (fingers crossed). ~ Doug

(originally posted 10/2017)

Well we’ve reached the short but enjoyable season of trick-or-treating and Halloween parties so I want to share a brief story about Halloween and my dad. Now anyone who knows my dad understands that he's more of a workhorse than a "partier." About a decade ago, my parents were invited to a Halloween party where costumes were expected. Mom had been planning her costume for weeks but dad not so much. I remember the night of the party, dad was late getting home. Mom had already been working on her make-up and outfit for a couple of hours when dad walked in with about five minutes to spare before they had to leave for the event. He ran down to the basement and emerged back up about a minute later, still in his business clothes, wearing a smelly old wig with the hair falling out of it. As my parents walked out the door, dad muttered, “alright, let’s get this over with.” I asked him what he was supposed to be and he said, "a man driven insane by his wife's friends' parties."

[Lord of the Dance]

(originally posted 5/2020)

I may've been born into a fortunate family, but I've heard quite enough of this 'silver spoon' business. If that's really how you feel then you should come spend a day with me. Right after our housefire, my (gloveless) hands were rooting around in the depths of our sewage grinder station, trying to unclog all the shit that had backed up after the power was cut off. 

[Lord of the Dance]

(originally posted 2/2021)

Upon leaving high school I elected not to pursue a college education. Several factors influenced my decision, chief among them being my opinion that university constitutes a considerable waste of resources for those of us who are intellectually uninitiated. However I also considered the fact that my parents offer bountiful educational opportunities, occasionally even unwittingly, right here at home! Following is one such example (warning: sexual content ahead).

Around the age of 11 or 12 my grandpa gifted me a fascinating book on knot-tying, accompanied by a piece of practice rope. As I recall, the rope was about 4-feet long and perhaps 3/8-inch in diameter, just an old piece of braided polyester dock line to work on my bends, hitches and bowlines. Well you see from the time I was first potty-trained, I've enjoyed my time on the toilet. It's quality "me time," you know? Yes, of course to take care of business, but also to read and learn, to contemplate and surmise, and sometimes to practice my knot-tying skills!

Back when we lived on Wyllis street and we all used one bathroom, the toilet would service a lot of 'customers' over the span of a day and lots of reading material would come and go, sometimes accumulating in a stack on the tank lid. While both my knot-tying manual and practice rope remained in the bathroom, the book got covered up by several magazines and newspaper editions while the rope somehow found its way down beside the toilet bowl to a spot rarely graced by light.

One day as I was indulging in some cartoons on TV and mom was in the bathroom cleaning the toilet, I heard an almighty gasp that would've sent even the most cool and collected firefighter into a full-fledged panic! I ran into the bathroom to see what had startled mom so terribly and there she was holding up the rope in her hands as though she was grasping a jump rope that was too short to use.

"What is THIS?" she interrogated as she held up the evidence as a shocked parent might after finding cigarettes in a teenager's jeans pocket.

"That's my knot-tying rope papa got me for my birthday mom - wanna learn how to tie a bowline?" I asked as only an innocent 12 year old could.

"Oh, okay... I thought it was something else."

"Like what?" I asked.

Following was a lengthy conversation about the inherent dangers of autoerotic asphyxiation (a process by which a person restricts respiratory airflow in order to increase sexual pleasure during self-stimulation), complete with the tragic story of someone close to my mom who lost his life in such a manner. Although my mom quickly realized (much to her own relief) that I was nowhere near attempting such an activity myself, she spared no details in informing me of what was on her mind and why it would be such a foolish thing to do.

I'm so grateful to have a family that never wastes an opportunity to help educate and inform me, to help grow my senses of self-awareness and inquisitiveness. I may not be the next hot-shot doctor or lawyer, but even without a college degree I'm doing alright thanks to their nurturing investment of independent (read: family) education.

[Lord of the Dance]

(originally posted 1/2020)

Folks, I've got a guilty conscience that I'd like to clear. Back over the summer I was doing some landscaping at my church. An older lady walked by and asked what I was doing. Well I was all sweaty with a shovel in my hand, so I told her that I was working off a court sentence for shoplifting. I was just trying to be funny and make a joke, but it backfired on me because she thought I was serious and started to give me all kinds of grandmotherly advice. I felt so guilty about tricking her that I couldn't bring myself to tell the truth! Now I want to confess to her that I pretty much lied right to her face, but I have no idea who she was! Maybe I should put something in the paper about it?

[Guile]

uhhh ok? I didn't find any of them funny but my sense of humor not on your wavelength.

You talking to any Russian girls?

[Lord of the Dance]

uhhh ok? I didn't find any of them funny but my sense of humor not on your wavelength.

You talking to any Russian girls?

As I said, "funny."

Perhaps you could share an anecdote tuned to your own comedic wavelength Guile (I'm trying to spur activity).

Russian, no. Ukrainian, yes.

[Guile]

I spend my time making Russian girls laugh...if you want comedy go check out youtube. 

It'd be more interesting to hear about the girls you're talking to. Are you on a dating site or through social media?  If it's Ukraine watch out for scammers.

[AvHdB]

Good thread LoD

Not certain, but I think I posted a story about speaking English but understanding Dutch. Will attempt to find and post here.

[Lord of the Dance]

Good thread LoD

Not certain, but I think I posted a story about speaking English but understanding Dutch. Will attempt to find and post here.

Thanks Av!

Sure, share whatever you got... just trying to liven up the forum a bit.