Doubts about my relationship

[spaukr]

Hello, first of all sorry to use a new account, i would swear i was here before asking about a girl i was about to meet on Ukraine.

Well, some time have passed, and now we are about to marry. Im 33 and she is 25. She is adorable, everyone in my social circle loves her, treats me very well, you can tell they are so different from western woman, completely something else. I had a few polish ex's before and it feels pretty much the same, slav women are just superior.

She moved to my country and we live together. However, i start to worry about something.

She doesnt seem desperate to learn the language or to find a job (she is "illegal" for now). A long time ago, when investigating how ukrainian women are, i read something like they expect the man to be the breadwinner and also that the man's money is for both, but her money is just hers. Im afraid this is true in my case even if before meeting in person she admitted to know that in europe things are different and how she understands that she is supposed to work.

She admits to have low initiative because shes been kind of "overprotected", her father did almost all for her and she is used to people doing or choosing things for her. At the beginning she used to sit on youtube watching lessons, following these youtube teachers on instagram, now she unfollowed and barely studies anything. I have to remind her from time to time about learning, she learns, but at a slow pace.

She is very well mannered and definitely not the "instagram slut" kind, very caring, innocent and even religious. I mean she doesnt look like the "gold digger whore" prototype but I start to have bad thoughts about the relationship, i feel bad because putting this aside, she is the perfect woman.

Is it a cultural thing? How to make her understand that she should worry more about being busy?


Additional note: before i met her she didnt know i have money (i own several properties that i rent), i told her i have a normal job, just to test if she was after the money. She passed the test, but now this happens...?  She says that she is waiting to have her residence and job permissions because she is afraid of being sent back to her country if caught working ilegally...


You think im paranoid?

[andrewfi]

What are you looking for?

Do you need her to have a job?

How do you communicate with her?

Is she a house pet and content with that? If so, is that a problem for you?

If she has no money coming in then her attitude to your money is immaterial as you will be providing for her. All you have to do is satisfy her needs.

She is right to be concerned about being illegally in your country and, in my opinion, it was a bad mistake on your part to allow and enable that to happen.

Where do you live?

[BillyB]

 You say she's the perfect woman but you have bad thoughts about the relationship. Is there something that's a deal breaker for you? Are you afraid there will be financial struggles in the future or simply can't afford a wife that doesn't work?

[2tallbill]

You think im paranoid?

I think you need to have a million conversations with her. How did you become
engaged without knowing about each others mutual goals ?

My advice is to get to know everything about this girl. What makes her tick?
What are her short term goals, what are her long term goals? What are her
goals for both of you together? Talk, talk and talk some more. You asked a
girl to marry you that and didn't do your due diligence first.

I'll bet she is eager to have these talks.

Udachi!

Bill

[Guile]

It's not a cultural thing it's a personality thing.  If she has no motivation or drive then she better learn fast!  I have Russian friends her age who taught themselves English to a high level and are working in a job supporting themselves.  What was she doing in Ukraine?

She sounds a bit lazy.  How long will it take for her to get residence?  That line is just an excuse for her to not work.  She should be looking at careers and working on her English vocab in whatever industry she wants to join.

it's a myth that women in Russia expect the men to work.  Maybe once they are married and have kids.  But all my friends in Russia in their 20's and 30's work.

[NS1]

Sounds like you missed some serious conversations
before asking her to marry you?
She should not work if not aloud, why risk her being deported?
Did you discuss if she would work? wanted to work? her future desires?
your future desires?

You're a little late, but I suggest you discuss it with her and fast.
Have you asked if she is struggling with language?
Are you helping her learn? this should be a daily exercise
with her new life.

Sounds like you didn't discuss your future, before you planned it.
Life long journeys are not just about cafes and sex.
Not just a pretty girl on your arm. If she is such a sweetheart
what is the problem?

Be not just fair to yourself, be fair to her, she has given up her way
of life for yours. Expecting her to be exactly who you want in a short time is
to say the least unfair. Flip the script and imagine how hard it would be
if you were in her country, the deal is simple. When she left you took responsibility
to care and provide for her. Help and guide her as she learns and most of all to be her
Husband and yes if she's old fashion she expects you to be a man.

[BillyB]

Well spaukr, you conclude your girl is the perfect woman but others seem to believe there was a lack of communication and she may be lazy. Who's wrong?

[Guile]

What level is her English now and does she have any career goals?  If not that could be a red flag.  She is 25 and has the rest of her life ahead of her. If she's gonna be sitting in the house all day spending your money, well...

What country are you in?  Lots of illegal workers in the USA and UK lol

[Steveboy]

She is living in your country where ever that is .. legally right now?

Where are you Toga .. Timbuktu ?

A bit of a strange story is it really true? Do you even exist?

[Manny]

If the chap is who I think he is, he very much exists and he lives in a country in the Balkan region.

[spaukr]

We live in spain. her english is good and sh is learning spanish slowly.

We just had "the talk". She started crying saying that i pressure her too much, that now that shes pregnant she just worries about the baby health and doesnt want any stress... apparently the other excuse its that she is illegal, BUT then she said "and whats the problem if one day i decide i dont want to work more?"

I went further in that direction and it seems for her, working is just an option, she expects to have a husband that pays everything. I feel so disappointed and im about to cancel the marriage, i like classic woman, but not so classic. Cleaning and cooking dont pay bills, its just a couple of hours a day, how about the rest of time? Kids are on school, what is she going to do, paint her nails and watch tv? No thanks.

I feel bad for her, really. She is the most innocent girl youll meet these days and it breaks my heart to dump her, but unless she changes her thoughts, she will be gone soon.

[spaukr]

Cannot edit previous message.

She says i understood wrong.

Her points:

- i put too much pressure on her, like if i want her to work and speak language too fast

- she says her plan was to work once made legal, but now that she is pregnant it changed things and wants to work after the baby is born


i took for granted that she would work as any other person in the world would do

[Steveboy]

Cannot edit previous message.

She says i understood wrong.

Her points:

- i put too much pressure on her, like if i want her to work and speak language too fast

- she says her plan was to work once made legal, but now that she is pregnant it changed things and wants to work after the baby is born


i took for granted that she would work as any other person in the world would do

So you need her to work and help you pay your bills and contribute towards the food and stuff ? Did she bring some socks and spare clothes with her?

So she arrived on a short term visa and is not actually allowed to live full time in your country? this is an important point?? can you clarify? So she arrived in Spain on what visa? Tourist?

[andrewfi]

Well, if you are now chucking fatherhood into the mix, most of what you wrote in your first post is moot. Also, cancelling the wedding and your marriage is a bit out of the question now, right?

Looks like this is more about you than she!

You got her pregnant. You made a new life, now you get to be parents. Suck it up and get on with it!

[Steveboy]

This is a typical case of how I have been describing Eastern European dating has changed over the last few years and what guys expect.

I have said many many times in this forum there are more and more guys looking for women to arrive with 20 pairs of spare socks , two coats , several pairs of underwear and 20 kilos of potatoes and ready to start work the minute she steps off the plane .. or in this case to save costs it may be a bus..

[andrewfi]

Is there anything else that you didn't think worth telling us?
Are you an illegal too?
Are you still married to someone else?
You're not the father?
 

[Manny]

I’m not aware that it is possible to get married in the EU unless your immigration status is legal?

Also, I am not aware that it is possible to legitimise your status whilst being in country illegally?

[Guile]

This doesn't sound like it's gonna end well.  I wonder how fast the courting process went.  She's pregnant and now you want to reconsider marriage and end things.

Maybe you should have talked about work and expectations before you brought her over.
 

[Steveboy]

I think it is some Mohamed arrived in Spain via the boat and now needs a cook washer up and general worker.. It is becoming more and more and more and more regular now.. and will do  even more so ...

They usually sit smoking that shit all day.. do a few hours down the local pizza shop whilst wife (Slave) goes to work.. on the way back from work the Slave will usually get a phone call from Mohamed "Don't forget my bottle of Jack Daniels and 2 packs of Marlborough"

Seen it happen in real life several times now..

[NS1]

To say you're something else is  about as polite as I can be.
You get girl in your country, you get her Pregnant.
And now she needs to work illegally, learn your language,
clean and cook for you, am I missing anything?

[andrewfi]

In Spain right now it is possible for illegal immigrants to get residency and a work permit. I don't know all the details but here's an article on the topic.
https://www.euroresidentes.com/euroresiuk/news-spain/legalisation-of-illegal-immigrants-in

The article is undated but fits with what I learned recently in a different context. I don't know how long this window will remain open.

The idea was to get a whole load of workers in the black economy into the tax system and to reduce the exploitation of workers who felt unable to improve their situation.

As Guile noted above, given what we have been told by our hero, this woman's situation does not seem good at all. To some degree responsibility lies with the woman but the guy is much more at fault here given his apparent abdication of his responsibilities.

The least he should do, IMHO, is to get this woman, and probably himself, legalised while it is possible to do so and marry the woman when that can be done in Spain or one or the other of their home countries.

[andrewfi]

RE. My last post above. For our hero OP. I just found that the program I linked to above has ended. There is something that kinda replaces it, but the timescale is much longer, apparently around 3 years of surving illegally is required.

Theres a paradoxical thing over there in that even if illegal one is best served to register one's residence called the padron with the local town hall. This enables emergency health care and provides some kind of starting point to a legalisation process.

Absolutely not an expert and I certainly am not going to be researching this as I have no need for the information. However, it does seem as though there is a path to legitimising one's status in Spain. For sure that's something that you and your future wife should take care of.

[Texan77]

To say you're something else is  about as polite as I can be.
You get girl in your country, you get her Pregnant.
And now she needs to work illegally, learn your language,
clean and cook for you, am I missing anything?

Then Westerners wondering why most FSU women run when western men approach them. Life in the Ukraine or where ever is better. I wondering what happened to this guys last relationship?

What kind of job would she get in Spain not speaking the language and as far as I know no special skills? It is going to pay how much? This guy own several houses but his wife has to do what for a living?

[BillyB]

spaukr, your girl being pregnant is not the time to ask her to look for a job or the wedding is cancelled. Your concerns should have been discussed before a wedding proposal. Too late. Now you're ready to leave your child just because you think your fiancée won't work. This attitude may come back to haunt you. Have faith after the child is born that your woman will do what it takes to financially take care of the child should your income not be enough. Surely she will find a way to financially take care of the child if you leave her.

[spaukr]

First of all to the trolls calling me Mohammed, im spanish 100%

The baby came by accident, and again for the trolls, im sure without a doubt that its mine because we spend 24hours together.

Before i met her and then a few times on the first few months, i tried to know if she expected to stay at home all day or if she understood that in Europe both men and women work. I doubt my income is enough to keep two people, so even less three. Im sorry for not being a petrol billionare like all of you. And even if my income was just enough, i wouldnt feel comfortable having a lazy wife at home all day. By the way we share house chores. I believe that a couple should be 50%-50%, not one living off another.

I live in an area with A LOT of english speaking people, spanish language isnt really a must, she could easily babysit, for example. You know the saying "when theres a will, theres a way" ? Adult people normally feel bad if they dont have a job, ever felt this or some of you are still 17 years old living in your parents house?

And yes, i have many houses but believe it or not, the more you have the more you pay (taxes, insurance, things breaking, people not paying...) Im sorry for not being a petrol billionare like all of you.