Importing Her Parents

[Manny]

I noticed this today:

Congrats on Angel Eyes completing the big milestone of the 10 year Permanent Residence Visa! This is a sign our government has accepted your marriage as valid. Been there, done that. Me wife has already gotten her citizenship and her mom a green card.

Is this something you would consider doing?

[Markje]

for me not. all of her social circle is over there and russian language isnt common in nl.

[andrewfi]

Seems kinda like having an 'anchor wife'!

Get one of the family in and the rest follow.

[Guile]

there are visas for the parents of spouses you can get.

[msmoby]

1/ As ever, Andrewfi posts about something that doesn't concern him..

2/ If the parents aren't going to be a burden on the state - why not ?   Manny didn't think having RU TV was a good idea ...    If a lady is prepared to move country to be with you and you  have grand kids - expect a surge of interest from the Grandparents in being closer

When my parents moved from N.,Ireland their parents moved 10 miles away ... They could drive and were great baby sitters

As they get older your wife may nd up being away a lot caring for them - so having them closer by would means she'll not be away months on end


Sparky114 is doing the opposite and retiring to be near the kids / parent  - it's what families do

[Manny]

Manny didn't think having RU TV was a good idea ...   

[Time machine: Moby is dialling back about a decade to a totally different conversation]

I didn't then and I still don't. Don't immerse her in loads of crap in her own language in your country - it won't help assimilation one bit. There was a chapter in our book a decade ago on this subject. We *still* have no Russian TV channels. And because of that she chooses to go to the gym, clean something, iron something, teach our daughter piano or do something constructive if not working. The alternative is watching Modney Pregavor or Let's get Married all day and eating junk food...........

Before you know it, her arse looks like two badly parked VW Beetles and your ambitions of a lovely slim wife bit the dust. Guys - dont give her Russian media on big screen. What she can get on her phone is enough.

If a lady is prepared to move country to be with you and you  have grand kids - expect a surge of interest from the Grandparents in being closer

Or - maybe they understood she is moving to another country and they're not invited?

When my parents moved from N.,Ireland their parents moved 10 miles away ... They could drive and were great baby sitters

My parents live within a few miles and neither baby sit at all.

As they get older your wife may end up being away a lot caring for them - so having them closer by would means she'll not be away months on end

Or you can pay people.

Sparky114 is doing the opposite and retiring to be near the kids / parent  - it's what families do

I dont recall that Sparky told us *why* he is making a life in Rostov - I suspect you may be guessing.

Moby, I think the whole 'importing the parents' conversation is for married guys who live somewhere. You appear to be unmarried and live nowhere. So this topic may be more for blokes whose woman at least has a visa to LIVE in their home country. On that, I dont think you qualify on any level. 

[Halo]

I didn't then and I still don't. Don't immerse her in loads of crap in her own language in your country - it won't help assimilation one bit. There was a chapter in our book a decade ago on this subject. We *still* have no Russian TV channels. And because of that she chooses to go to the gym, clean something, iron something, teach our daughter piano or do something constructive if not working. The alternative is watching Modney Pregavor or Let's get Married all day and eating junk food...........

I don't think foreigners who grew up in another country ever assimilate completely.

The better half never wanted Russian TV channels, and he still doesn't.  He thinks they're all cr@p.  Same with Ukrainian TV.   He does watch TV here, mostly Bloomberg TV (a business channel). 

I doubt a television station would change how your wife organizes her day.

Or - maybe they understood she is moving to another country and they're not invited?

Most parents have no desire to move country.  I had no issue with PIL moving here, FIL is now deceased, but I'd still have no issue with MIL moving here, and living with us.  But, she has no desire to move, and the better half doesn't want it either.

My parents live within a few miles and neither baby sit at all.

Surely you recognize that is not the norm?

Our children were cared for by my parents in the gap where we both worked, and if we went out.  Those times are among their fondest childhood memories, as are mine with my grandparents.

Occasionally, my aunt or my sister would care for our children, and we cared for sister's children when she and BIL needed help.  We would not have had children if we had to hire someone to look after them, and if our parents had been unable to do so, we would have changed our work lives so one of us was always with them.

The way I see it is my wife's family is my family. Would I want my family to be living in good conditions? Sure.

That's a different question. Of course I'd like to see the in laws live in good conditions, but importing them isn't the way to do that. You can bung them a few quid to improve their lot and they can stay in their own culture speaking their own language.

[BillyB]

I went into this expecting any woman I marry may want to sponsor some or all of her family. Any man going into this should expect the same. Although it may not be discussed when courting a woman, it's best to assume it may be the case if a guy marries her.

What if someday your wife asks you to help sponsor her family over? Costs money but if she's a good woman, she'll love you more. The way I see it is my wife's family is my family. Would I want my family to be living in good conditions? Sure.

Is there a man here that would tell his beloved wife "No" if she asks to bring some or all of her family over?

[msmoby]

I dont recall that Sparky told us *why* he is making a life in Rostov - I suspect you may be guessing.

   I 'apologise' to Sparky114 if I might have spoken of something he revealed personally - but I'm pretty sure he has publicly shared his house build in the same town where his wife's family live ..

Moby, I think the whole 'importing the parents' conversation is for married guys who live somewhere. You appear to be unmarried and live nowhere. So this topic may be more for blokes whose woman at least has a visa to LIVE in their home country. On that, I dont think you qualify on any level.

Other than not ( att this moment ) being married - my beloved has the right to live with me - in any Schengen nation - and it's not like we haven't been an item ..  soon entering our sixth year ..  We own property and vehicles together - we hae  shared risk -in the form of debt - though none, currently.

Are you REALLY so 'desperate' to try to 'exclude' us - to prevent a valid input ..because it doesn't suit yours ?

Ste isn't married, either .. IF he could be bothered to contribute - would you try to 'exclude' him, too ?

[Manny]

My parents live within a few miles and neither baby sit at all.

Surely you recognize that is not the norm?

Not all families are joined at the hip. My parents and I happen not to live in each others pockets.

Is there a man here that would tell his beloved wife "No" if she asks to bring some or all of her family over?

Absolutely. What would be the benefit of uprooting an oldster from the FSU who doesn't speak English and probably wont like our culture?

I went into this expecting any woman I marry may want to sponsor some or all of her family. Any man going into this should expect the same.

I disagree. It may be the case that if you marry a woman very much younger than yourself as you have done, then the folks may be part of that deal somehow. But in the FSU I certainly wouldn't expect it. Its not something we hear about very often, and its almost always Americans who do this.

The way I see it is my wife's family is my family. Would I want my family to be living in good conditions? Sure.

That's a different question. Of course I'd like to see the in laws live in good conditions, but importing them isn't the way to do that. You can bung them a few quid to improve their lot and they can stay in their own culture speaking their own language.

[Steveboy]

Isn't supporting the In-laws some thing you do when you marry a Filipino ?

I mean it comes as part of the package 1 wife + 34 relatives...

[Manny]

Isn't supporting the In-laws some thing you do when you marry a Filipino ?

I mean it comes as part of the package 1 wife + 34 relatives...

Similar with Chinese. Marry one and you marry her family too. Filial piety.

[Steveboy]

Isn't supporting the In-laws some thing you do when you marry a Filipino ?

I mean it comes as part of the package 1 wife + 34 relatives...

Similar with Chinese. Marry one and you marry her family too. Filial piety.

Well when I arrived in Eastern Europe exactly 15 years ago this week. I remember the time as it is the The Beslan school siege I was in Moldova that week.. I couldn't support myself let alone think of supporting a wife..

[Halo]

Not all families are joined at the hip. My parents and I happen not to live in each others pockets.

It's not a criticism.  It's just not the norm.

My parents didn't, and don't, live in my pocket either.  They go away for three months every winter, and have since our children were born.  They lead a very active social life, mostly because my father is a very outgoing Type "A" personality.

[Manny]

Not all families are joined at the hip. My parents and I happen not to live in each others pockets.

It's not a criticism.  It's just not the norm.

I never sought to conform to the norm in any area of life. I always thought that something to celebrate. 

It's a curiosity to my wife that my father, who lives just a few miles away, sees less of our daughter than her grandparents in Russia (although they do WhatsApp often). My father is like the busiest retired bloke you ever saw and takes more holidays than anyone I know. The folks in Russia get dochka for a solid month every summer and often an extra trip at another time in the year too.

Point being that importing the folks isnt necessary to maintain meaningful relationships with them.

[BillyB]

What would be the benefit of uprooting an oldster from the FSU who doesn't speak English and probably wont like our culture?

There's probably over 100,000 FSU people living in the greater Seattle area. I've met a few and I know most old people do not adapt to American culture or learn the language. They struggle. America will give them a better quality life but they want to go home. There's only one benefit here for them to remain and that is family. Family is more important than culture or country.

My MIL wants to go home but I told her to be careful about travelling to Ukraine too much or living there too long. Her green card can be pulled if they suspect she's flag poling(living in two or more countries).

[Manny]

Does MIL live with you Billy?

[BillyB]

Does MIL live with you Billy?

Yes.

Pros: She keeps the house spotless clean and continues to help my wife grow.

cons: She's strict and strong and sometimes thinks she's the boss. A couple of times I reminded her she's a guest here. She also had a habit of cleaning my work office at home. Drives me nuts when I have to search for important papers after she moves them. She thinks she's helping me be more organized.

MIL plans on working and getting her own place. Don't know how employable she will be and she'll probably won't make much. I've taught her how to build computers that I end up selling on the internet so I'm her current employer. She bought her first car with her own money and shipped it to Ukraine.  Wife and I may help her get her place someday or build her a MIL house on the property. She has a couple of apartments back home in Ukraine. Her current plans are to bounce back and forth between countries. When a grandchild comes, I suspect she will stay more in America than in Ukraine.

[Steveboy]

Would you say that most guys who married a FSU women..when it comes to  her family they will be pretty poor people ?

We know a fair few Russians and :

1. None of them would ever need or expect hand outs from anyone.

2. They certainly would have no wish to leave Russia, know a couple who have family living else where in the world.

But then I guess these people would never even think about marring a foreigner.. some of my wife friends even think she is crazy and why the hell did she marry a foreigner..

[dcguyusa]

Most parents have no desire to move out of their native country.

I think it depends with the living situation at the native country.  When the children have emigrated to another country, the parents (especially when they have stopped working locally) could end up by themselves during their very old age.  In some countries, they don't take care of their seniors and left it to children to take care of the elders. So being left by yourself with no other support is not something to look forward to late in life.  You can't rely on others who have no direct relations to you in most situations.  And when you get some senior related illness, it will only make matters worse by remaining where you are.

I have some relatives whose older parents immigrated to this country.  I asked them if they would consider returning back to the "mother land" to live out there before they died.  They all said "   no".