How to be a guestReturning from the dacha last week as the train approached Moscow, Mrs. Mendeleyeva mentioned that she wanted for us to pay visits to several families before my return to the USA.
One family was arriving from Kaluga to visit us, and we would pay a quick visit to others before my departure. That brought to mind that perhaps a good topic might be "
how to be a guest."
So I'll begin with some bullet points, with explanations, and other members can add to them.
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You're in another culture so don't make the assumption that things are done here just like back home.That seems pretty obvious but even the most experienced traveler or expat can make a misstep.
The driver of the car below assumed that the trolley would slow down for him. The trolley bus driver can't just stop on a dime and hoped the car driver would stop on time.
[ IMAGE NOT SHOWN - GUESTS CANNOT VIEW ATTACHED IMAGES ] Meeting of assumptions.
An acquaintance was invited to attend an evening dinner party in a Moscow home and related that his hosts seemed offended when he declined to teach them any American folk songs. He felt such a request was silly and said that singing old folks songs was "childish."
I asked if the group had stayed around the table after dinner and had they begun to sing old Russian folk songs while enjoying dessert and tea. "Why yes," he replied, "I was surprised that a young and contemporary group would find such old Russian songs to be of interest."
"Bad assumption" was my response. I've met thousands of Russians of all ages and have yet to meet the person, no matter the age, who didn't know the words to anywhere from 15-20 or even more old folk songs. They're learned at home, in the children's garden (kindergarden), at school clubs and outings, sung around the campfire, while driving, and in homes around the dinner table, etc. Its something seldom found in an American home, but very common in millions of Russian homes. Just in case you weren't paying attention--age doesn't matter.
Even if you don't know true folk songs, fake it! Russian love to learn about other cultures and enjoy singing together on festive occasions. I've been at stylish dinner parties where I've asked to lead and all I could think of was "Happy Birthday" (to no one in particular) and the "Alphabet" song while racking my brain to come up with others.
You'd be amazed at how many non-English speaking Russians know at least parts of those songs and would be delighted to learn the rest of the words and how to form them correctly. Knowing English language songs is a sign of status in certain circles.
He interpreted their request as embarrassing and childish. They also made an unfortunate judgement about him: Lack of interest in one's own home culture in their minds equaled a lack of intelligence, lack of status within his home culture, or both.
Now this doesn't mean that you'll automatically be asked to sing Western folk songs the first time you visit a Slavic family. But then again you might. No kidding.
In the FSU, do as the locals do. Don't make assumptions.
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Be on time, even if nobody is on time for you.Recently I shared with a Russia media colleague my amusement that in Moscow, capital of Russia, where reminders of the Great Patriotic War (WWII) make it seem like yesterday and where victory parades recalling battles which happened almost 70 years ago still draw hundreds of thousands of participants, there are two popular
German language radio stations based in Moscow with respectable numbers of listeners!
"They're punctual" was his humourous retort, before bringing up the reminder that the only time the Germans have been late was in October 1941, the date that Hitler wanted his generals to have completed the German battle for Moscow.
Russians may not be punctual themselves, but they value you for it.
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A bear protects her den and her cubs.Be very careful about getting on the wrong side of a Russian/Ukrainian lady's family, home, country, culture, etc.
[ IMAGE NOT SHOWN - GUESTS CANNOT VIEW ATTACHED IMAGES ] Red Army defends Moscow.
She will find it odd if you speak ill of your family, your friends, your culture, your home, etc. But an even more serious offense is if you speak or act disparingly regarding her family, her friends, her country and her culture.
Just as important, she will feel that others are watching her and evaluating her choice. They are. Don't embarrass her.
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Dress for the part.In the photo below each participant is dressed appropiately for their role in this parade. The Priest is dressed like a priest and the deacon like a deacon. The
Солдаты look like soldiers and the policeman like a professional
милиционер.
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May we be honest? I'm often embarrassed by Americans who visit Russia and Ukraine. You can spot some American bride hunters from 500 billion yards away--they're the clueless nutcases in shorts and sandals walking next to a girl decked out to the "nines."
It gives me the urge, of which Mrs. Mendeleyeva usually has to restrain me, from confronting the dude with a little sarcasm by asking how he would have looked next to this girl had he decided to dress casually for the day.
Does he really think that she was thrilled to see how he prepared to spend the day with her as much as she prepared for the day with him?
Magnify that a trillion times when going to her home to meet family. Do you understand that this meeting is a job interview?
Dress the part.
How you dress is a reflection of what you think of the person on the date. And what you think of her family.
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Remember who you're there to visit. Hint:
Its not the girl!You are badly mistaken if thinking you're come to her home to visit the girl.
You are there for one reason, and one reason only: For her to guage what her family thinks of you.Thats it.
Don't ever underestimate the power of influence held by her family. This is a family oriented society--supposedly at least it's one of the excuses you give to friends when they pigeonhole you about why you traveled abroad for a wife. It's not just a cliche to her. It's real, even though you don't yet understand even the half of it.
So be on your best behaviour and let her take the lead. Be polite, make friends with her family and create an atmosphere where her family wants to bring you back again...and again...and again. That is often the key for your success against the guy down the street who has an eye for her too.
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Pay attention to children and the elderly in her home/family.Russians often judge you by your attitude towards children.
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Russians idolize children. They worship grandmothers. If you can't do both then save yourself the trouble and find a bride from somewhere else in the world. It'll protect your sanity.
A wise man once taught that while the key to a man's heart is through his stomach,
the key to a woman's heart is through her children.
What if she doesn't have any children? She does. Trust me.
They may not be her's biologically, but rare is even the young Russian lady who isn't known by at least two titles:
Тетя and
Крестная мать.
Тетя means "aunt" and that can be either/both a literal or honorary title.
Крестная мать is "godmother" and also rare is the Russian lady who isn't a Крестная мать to the child of a very close friend.
Unlike Western culture where aunt and godmother may not have much lasting meaning,
Тетя and
Крестная мать generally have deep meanings and come with long-lasting relationships for your lady.
That means you should strive for a title too--
Дядя (uncle). It will carry you a long way and again, may determine why she chooses you over any other guys who may be writing and sending her flowers.
Someday if you're lucky she'll make you a
Папа! (Papa = "Dad")
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Who brought the шоколад?You did. You are the man! You remembered to bring the "zha-ka-lat." While Russians love to taste chocolate from other countries, American milk chocolate usually is a little too sweet for Russian taste buds. Dark chocolate will allow you to conquer Eastern Europe!
There are plenty of fine dark chocolates made in the West. Fill up a suitcase and all the Russia's will be yours! If only Napoleon and Hitler had known.
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It is considered proper to bring a gift for your hosts. That would be for her mother, her father and any grandparents present in the home. As you may not know until your arrival who will be there, it's a good idea to have some sort of discrete generic/all purpose/all gender gift stash for the unexpected. Small things like postcards of your city/state, photo book of your state, etc, do nicely here.
You're not expected to play "Santa Claus" with a bag of goodies, but a nice chocolate can be a family gift, a small bouquet of flowers (3-5-7, etc) for
мама (yep, its the same word in Russian) and to honour your lady a larger bouquet or some nice perfume is appropiate for a first visit. Her
отец (father) should receive something and that can be as simple as an ink pen with your company logo or a small "shot" glass from your state, etc.
If she has children, yes, by all means but please keep it small and simple. Don't offer to play Santa Claus and don't build the expectation that you are Santa Claus.
Note: A bottle of wine is appropiate but bringing vodka on a first visit can be very tricky. First, it's a signal that you are there to drink. That is not the signal you want to send. Second, a suitor who is there to propose to the girl's father brings vodka traditionally. Are you there to do that on a first visit?
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Whoever said you shouldn't discuss religion and politics was misinformed.
You've been fed a line that Russian's are interested in politics. Russians are ambivalent about
Russian politics because they don't believe their opinions mean much.
But don't mistake that for disinterest.
Your Russian wife is not disinterested in American (or Canadian or British) politics, she just doesn't understand it and her legal status may not stimulate great interest in it either. Again, don't mistake her comments that she's not interested for a declaration of disinterest.
If you want to see how interested the supposedly disinterested Russians are about politics, just introduce the topic and tell a joke. 5 hours later, as long as tea and vodka are in supply, the topic will have continued. And that is disinterest?
Fact is, regarding both politics and religion, I'm betting that those subjects are brought up on a lot of first visits! Russians hear stories of weird cults in the West and some family member may decide to test your mettle.
They really are interested in your view of politics. In fact, I'll boldly take that further:
1) They're interested in your view of politics in your home country.
2) They're interested in your view of politics in Russia (or Ukraine).
I'll bet the farm on it and win 99.99999999% of the time.
Regarding religion: always be honest about your views. Look for a lady who has similar views. Don't be misled however by young girls of pre-child bearing years who brush off religion. Those are the first ones who have a miracalous conversion the moment that little clear line turns blue in the $10 home pregnancy test kit she purchased at Walgreens. Next stop is the nearest Orthodox church for confession and life as you know it has changed permanently.
See our thread on Orthodoxy here at RUA and if you've been told by others than religion has died out in the FSU, then please call the Kremlin and inform President Medvedev. He's under the impression, after all he does live there and you only visit, that not only is the population regaining interest, but in Russia's two major religions (Orthodoxy and Islam) the Russian government uses the term "explosion" to describe the growth of faith especially in the under 30 age group. According to the government 67% of Russians consider themselves as Orthodox "believers" and that's up from 51% less than 9 years ago.
You're actually safer to go for a lady over 30, who has already experienced childbirth, if you want to be certain your future wife will be relatively uninterested in religion.
So, to recap: its okay to talk about religion and politics. But don't overdo it and don't get into theological or political debates.
Think about this: There is a great amount of tension now between the USA/UK/Canada and Russia. One of my fellow members of the Yahoo Russian Answers team recently described his (mistaken) views on how NATO supposedly plans to encircle Russia with nuclear weapons aimed at the heart of Russia. He then went on to share his view on the USA's bombing of Japan saying that the only reason it was done was because the American Army was lazy.
Notwithstanding his ignornace of the Japanese war front, there are lots of worries that Russian folk on the street have about the West, and in particular the leaders of NATO--USA, UK, and Canada.
Before her father and uncles, her mother and aunts, and her cousins and friends talk her out of the idea of building a relationship with you, don't listen to those who say you shouldn't talk about it. Be gracious, point out the good things you've learned about Russia/Ukraine, and have a reasoned approach to how things work in your country. Build friendships in her family by demonstrating you have the abiltiy to think about those things.
Note to those who think that bashing their own country will earn points: That is foolish. Russians don't want a heated debate with you, but they don't want you to be a pushover either. If you think your country is weak and wrong, then why the heck would you want their daughter to move there with you? Use your God given brain for once. Heck, try it twice in one week to see how it feels.
You can admit your country has shortcomings. Russians certainly know it about their own government. But they don't want you to criticize their country and they don't feel comfortable hearing you criticize your own home either.
[ IMAGE NOT SHOWN - GUESTS CANNOT VIEW ATTACHED IMAGES ] Read the sign, be logical.
In summary, don't be afraid to discuss. But don't be drawn into an argument. Give compliments about her culture even if you don't like her government.
Don't let a short skirt blind you to potential future trainwrecks regarding things like politics or religion. There are other short skirts all across the country. Use the big head for decision making.
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Don't be afraid to try new things.Ever had scrambled eggs with fish? Em, with the bones still in the fish? With no advance warning?
There are some things you should not try in Russia/Ukraine. Scrambled eggs with fish and bones is worth avoiding.
But there are a lot of interesting things worth trying for the first time! Like Kvas. In the photo below you see a KVAS stand. It's basically a small tank pulled by a trailer and filled with a concontion that Russians think is a cola. Russians will tell you that its not alcoholic. Right, and my godmother is the tooth fairy too.
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You won't like it, I promise. But you really should try it! Its well, interesting. Call it an acquired taste. But if you work at it, you'll acquire one! Eventually.
KVAS is a mildly fermented bread drink made from stale rye bread. Yum! It can be purchased in 1 liter bottles in markets but the most popular way to enjoy KVAS is from a sidewalk tank. Why, who knows how long it's been standing there...days...weeks....and did we mention "fermented."
The legal drinking age in Russia, as if anybody cared, is 16. That is why you'll have to fight your way thru a line of 11 year old boys in order to get your own glass of KVAS.
Did somebody say "glass" of the substance? Mendeleyev will never forget his very first KVAS experience. It was in Moscow and my (future) wife and I were out on a Saturday afternoon. I was a "KVAS virgin." That all changed that fateful day.
Moscow has modernized the health rules but in those days right after the fall of the Soviet Union you just shared a metal (tin) drinking cup with the other 12 million residents of Moscow when drinking KVAS. That gave me pause. I watched the little babushka wipe off the cup with her apron (it was stained from a million earlier wipes) and then she held that cup up to the spigot and a muddly brown liquid appeared as if by magic.
Great! "Dear God," I thought to myself. Yes, "Dear God," suddenly dawned on me. So, I made the sign of the cross (I'm practicing Orthodox) and gulped it down in one motion. "You should savor it" were the words directed at me from the gorgeous creature who had broken my "KVAS virgin status."
(Oh, Right. I'm going to savor a muddy brown liquid made of stale bread crumbs and which has been standing out in the street in a metal tank for God knows how long and served by a lady who seemed to be "shower challenged" and dispensed in a tin cup shared by the whole world but wiped off between uses by her dirty apron.)
So of course after she said, "you should savor it," I calmly responded with something close to "wow, that was tasty. Man, I was thirsty. Good stuff. Lets' do that again. But at another time. Okay...where is that Metro station?"
We have a
KVAS recipe here in the RUA recipes thread. Most Russians make it at home and KVAS recipes are held as valuable secrets with each family having their own twist on how to make it perfectly.
Moral of the story: Don't be afraid to try something new. You'll have lots of opportunities and most of what you try, whether its a new food, KVAS, or an evening at the Ballet, will be an experience you'll always treasure.
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