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Author Topic: My Sad Story - Advice Needed  (Read 6257 times)

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Offline Manny

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #30 on: January 02, 2013, 01:42:19 AM »
If I find something helpful, then fine, and if I think it does not apply in my case, then I just set it aside.

Does that mean you only want to hear views that agree with your preconceived ideas?

I know that many think (fervently) that she is having “adjustment” problems.  If she has, then she is doing a stellar job of hiding them, but nevertheless these same observers will insist that they are there. 

Those who have suggested that have been there and done this. There really isn't a possibility that as a non English speaker living in the US she isn't having adjustment problems. She is. 

As others have said, getting her into English classes and driving should be your highest priority right now.


I apologise.
And so he should.........

Offline Ade

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #31 on: January 02, 2013, 02:00:55 AM »
Appreciate the response so far both here and on another board.  If I find something helpful, then fine, and if I think it does not apply in my case, then I just set it aside.  That’s fine also.  Now I feel much better prepared for when I give her the news. 
I know that many think (fervently) that she is having “adjustment” problems.  If she has, then she is doing a stellar job of hiding them, but nevertheless these same observers will insist that they are there.  That’s okay also.  They do not know her but it’s a reasonable opinion.
I used the term “one-way ticket” which has been taken negatively.  I suppose the negative aspect may have been intended by those who used this term (in my private emails).  Maybe better that here I just say ticket, but I am used to buying one-way tickets these days as a matter of course, unless there is reason to do otherwise.  I find one ways more convenient and even cheaper in my case as they give me flexibility.  Formerly one ways were more expensive or two ways required for entry but not these days where I go.  To me, one way means no return is decided.  I only buy discount tickets.

Seriously? 2 months married and you're looking into divorce options?

If you have any self-respect and human decency, step back, read up on culture shock and commit yourself to helping this woman adjust. How self centered uncaring are you?

It's not often that there's a consensus on such topics like this here, and that should tell you something.

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #32 on: January 02, 2013, 02:46:14 AM »
I am not new on boards and I realize as many of us have that there are those who write offensively, flame others, and make didactic statements.  Amazing how some people do so towards those whom they know little about and who are in situations they know even less about.  All of us experience only a slice of life but some of us apply that slice to the whole.   A problem this presents is that those who have views relatively in the minority are less likely to express them.  Not that pointing all this out is likely to do any good, it's digressive, but once again I would like to express my appreciation for those who have endeavored to be constructive.


Online AvHdB

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #33 on: January 02, 2013, 05:13:30 AM »
Arizona Kid,

As perhaps you understand some of see a situation with different glasses and the tact is often lacking on how to express these personal visions. Not withstanding this sound advice has been given, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

It would be good if you reached out to a third party, perhaps Krassie or Mendy who live in your region. As well as line up legal consul. They are wise and both have maturity and expierence in cross cultural relationships.

You indicate before you spoke advance Russian and spent time with her Miss future Arizona at her home. My curiosity is piqued how was the communication? Especially when words failed either of you.

AvHdB
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Offline mobyone

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #34 on: January 02, 2013, 05:18:56 AM »

Seriously? 2 months married and you're looking into divorce options?

If you have any self-respect and human decency, step back, read up on culture shock and commit yourself to helping this woman adjust. How self centered uncaring are you?

It's not often that there's a consensus on such topics like this here, and that should tell you something.

Ade, 'consensus' ?

I have questioned Manny's contention that a woman in her fifties can't be a scammer.. if she was after a GC then she is pulling all the stunts - complete change in character, etc.,



Offline Ade

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #35 on: January 02, 2013, 05:35:47 AM »
Arizona Kid,

As perhaps you understand some of see a situation with different glasses and the tact is often lacking on how to express these personal visions. Not withstanding this sound advice has been given, even if it makes you uncomfortable.

Some people don't deserve the effort that "tact" involves.

Offline Ade

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #36 on: January 02, 2013, 05:39:30 AM »

Seriously? 2 months married and you're looking into divorce options?

If you have any self-respect and human decency, step back, read up on culture shock and commit yourself to helping this woman adjust. How self centered uncaring are you?

It's not often that there's a consensus on such topics like this here, and that should tell you something.

Ade, 'consensus' ?

I have questioned Manny's contention that a woman in her fifties can't be a scammer.. if she was after a GC then she is pulling all the stunts - complete change in character, etc.,

The majority seem to think similarly here, hence, consensus.

You can nit pick with Manny about the age cutoff to the scammers union if you wish but I think the odds are good that a 50+ year old woman with no English and no family/friends in the US is not a GC girl. The odds are far better that she's just insecure and going through culture shock with a guy that's about as understanding as a bag of bricks.

Online AvHdB

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #37 on: January 02, 2013, 06:08:08 AM »
It would be good if you reached out to a third party, perhaps Krassie or Mendy who live in your region. As well as line up legal consul.

AK (ArizonaKid) I want to explain something a bit better, easy enough to do for me!

You have brought this woman here and I think you should explain better why she is discontent. Are you to frugal for her taste? I have an assumption that she does not know your financial situation fully, hence the "snooping".

Do not forget you took an expensieve trip to the 50th state. Did this "set" an expectation on her part?

Av
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Offline Danchik

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #38 on: January 02, 2013, 06:12:35 AM »
I have known other RW/UW and saw warning signs.  Not this time.
Seems you missed this one.

She age 52, never before married, and no children.
When it is dark enough, men see the stars.

Online andrewfi

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #39 on: January 02, 2013, 06:26:42 AM »
One thing to bear in mind: 'culture shock' is not just about moving country. It is as the name suggests about reaction to a change in culture (living patterns)

Skuakid, your wife is probably not the only one who is undergoing stress from her new living conditions. I'd bet that you too are doing so as well.

Whatever might be the case about your wife's ongoing intentions she will be undergoing, to a greater or lesser degree, stress from the changes to her life. That stress will be leading to changes in her reactions and emotions. Your task is to sort out what is what.

BUT

At the same time you are going through similar stresses and so you too need to examine your thoughts, emotions and reactions. The people reading these posts have been through and seen this stuff. We see that what you are taking exception to is, on the whole, pretty normal behaviour. She could be the devil incarnate, but the chances are that she is not. More likely the two of you are having problems sorting out your new lives, your roles and your own place within the new structure.

And yeah, Danchik makes a good point. A person in his/her 50's and settling down to live with another person for the first time is unusual. There will be reasons for it and for sure it will be harder for her to settle down to a shared life than for a person with some life practice. Not saying it makes her evil but there is an additional challenge for you both to face and manage.
"For what else is the life of man but a kind of play in which men in various costumes perform until the director motions them offstage?" -Erasmus

Offline HoosierDaddy

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #40 on: January 02, 2013, 08:27:29 AM »
Patience sir...patience!!  You said it yourself that you still get along fairly well....atleast at times.  She doesn't speak English and doesn't drive (& 52/never married) so of course she's overly needy which breeds insecurity as well.  It was your decision to bring her here....thats like moving to Arizona and then complaining because its hot.  Take her to Vegas for a weekend and see if that helps.

Offline Muzh_1

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #41 on: January 02, 2013, 09:48:27 AM »
I realize that many will for whatever reasons side with the UW/RW regardless of circumstances, much of which I have no opportunity to present here.  The real issue is why she is with me.  If for the wrong reason, then I have every right to correction the situation.  I am seeking advice that I find helpful before I manage to locate sound legal advice from a professional.

Boy, this is sad.

I read all your posts and can only say this: Divorce her and move on.

Spare her the suffering.

Also, this is not intended as a flame. It seems that you bargained for something like a submissive home maker and she turned out to be a very independent person. Shit like this happens all the time. However, and based on both your advance ages, it is too late to change as some here have hinted you to do.

Sit down with her and be honest. Please explain to her you made a mistake and she is not what you really wanted.

Regarding the 50% partition of wealth, I doubt very much that any judge in the US will handle her 50% of your assets based on a 3 month old marriage. Here in the very liberal state of NY, a friend of mine was married to a UW for 7 years and got divorced. She got some of his assets based on the time spent together. I believe the magical time to be together that she will rip his wealth through his testicles is 10 years.

Offline mobyone

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #42 on: January 02, 2013, 10:05:35 AM »

The majority seem to think similarly here, hence, consensus.

'Consensus' is not a valid reason to conclude - unless it is a jury avowed of all info..

I advised the OP to seek legal advice and not to post until - the matter was settled..   

You can nit pick with Manny about the age cutoff to the scammers union if you wish but I think the odds are good that a 50+ year old woman with no English and no family/friends in the US is not a GC girl. The odds are far better that she's just insecure and going through culture shock with a guy that's about as understanding as a bag of bricks.

The latter is your 'judgement call' based on scant evidence and the former makes no allowance for her apparent change of character.

Many of us have seen home-sick new partners ....We shouldn't hypothesize - just offer the OP advice - I am sure the lady can read Russian lang forums giving her advice...

I've seen how members can twist a marriage break down.. even when the poster accepts - their actions - or lack of 'em - were responsible..

By my responding I simply add to the #feeding frenzy'..

to yhr OP : get legal advice and do as I say - don't feed the resident trolls

Ade, I'm sorry - but your last sentence - you MIGHT be right - but can you be sure..?

There are too many 'verdicts by consensus' and simply not enough facts on here - too often.

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #43 on: January 02, 2013, 11:46:04 AM »
I was asked about my fluency in Russian.  I am fully fluent in written Russian.  Speech is not what I would call advanced, since I have far less experience in speaking.  However, we speak to each other as normal on everyday matters.   I will say however that ones perception of things can to be very different for those with foreign language understanding.  However, fluency can be very difficult to determine.  There are those who are seemingly very fluent but misunderstand much of what is going on, and those with little confidence but perceive things much better.  Part of this is that communication involves much more than words.
I notice that some people here make extreme statements about all people this or such and such is necessarily the case.  The world is hardly so simple.  There are certain matters about my case which I cannot very well go into.  I seek helpful advice and have gotten that from a few individuals.  I can also contribute on this board in the future relative to my particular background and some contributions must be private where certain sensitivities may be breached.  Some of my most helpful advice has been private for the same reason.

Offline bagalia

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #44 on: January 02, 2013, 12:30:47 PM »
Nobody can give an accurate answer from two paragraphs of information. Even though CS fits, it could also be effects from a thyroid problem, she is not what you thought she was or you just got scammed. For sure it is a sad story.
Misery is the river of the world; everybody row, everybody row.