Talk > Ask a Russian Lady - Спроси у русской леди
Father with young boys
bjw079:
I am interested how FSU women view men raising young children. I have seen a post about a man with older girls, but I have two young boys, ages 3.5 and 5. I have primary custody, so they live with me and visit their mother some weekends and holidays. They are also with her some in the summer, so I have a little time to travel to visit women, and have done so once already.
First, I see many profiles of women with young children. Are they interested in a young, involved father like me (I'm 31) or looking more for a man without children to support them and their own children? (I know this varies, of course, but what is the stereotypical response since I suspect this arrangement is uncommon in the FSU?)
Second, I'm fairly direct about this in my profile. What do you think?
Excerpts:
"I have two young sons and am before other things a dedicated father. I make a strong family, but this must be something you want for yourself. You must have your own or want to have children because my life now is centered on children."
"My partner is educated, happy, and loving. She has children of her own that she wants to grow up in a strong family, or she is seeking a good husband and father for children that she wants to have. She is seeking and able to give deep love and commitment and expects the same in return."
I appreciate your feedback.
Larry:
Hi bjw,
Since I see it's your first post, welcome to the forum. You raise a good question. I'm obviously not a FSUW. I have discussed broadly similar topics with a few FSUW, but not enough to make me an expert. I hope your question will elicit responses from RUA members who do have some knowledge about this question. My guess is that your situation will be looked upon much more favorably by FSUW with kids than without kids.
However, I have a gut feeling that you should consider revising part of your first sentence, as well as possibly your third sentence. I think you can make it more appealing to the women who read your profile. Crafting a profile can be tricky business. You try to appeal to a fair number of people and you also don't want to unnecessarily dissuade some suitable people from responding to you.
I think you should make it clear that when you marry, your wife will not always take second place in your life. It's a difficult thing to write a profile that is just right, and it's even more difficult when writing a profile that will be read by people from a different culture, few of whom have mastered the nuances of your language, and have to mentally fill in the blanks or, worse, just guess what is meant. Many posts have discussed communication difficulties between WM and FSUW.
This gets to a long-running dispute about blended families, not only with FSUW/WW marriages but also with all marriages. I suspect that a fair number of FSUW who would make good wives might be more likely to avoid responding to you with your profile as currently written because they might be afraid that if they uproot themselves and move to your country they will be in a second-class position in the new family.
I would bet every dollar in my wallet that you will get one or more replies from people with children (I should point out that I have children myself) making the point that it's a good thing to write a profile in such a way that it removes the women who would not be interested in your child-custody arrangements, but with the wording of your profile as it currently exists I think you may well also be eliminating a lot of FSUW who might be good at creating a happy new family with you. It's throwing the baby out with the bathwater, sort of.
mendeleyev:
First, welcome to RUA.
In agreement with Larry and your profile will certainly weed out many of those you don't want to meet anyway. I will tell you that it is rare for a man in the FSU to raise children alone so it will certainly raise curiosity of some ladies. In your situation the LAST thing you need is an age gap. That would spell certain disaster.
You write well with the ability to focus and narrow your target. That is a disadvantage in this particular case because your message is so precisely well tuned that only the most highly fluent translators will understand it correctly. In this adventure it is usually the near illiterate party whose message gets lost in the fog, but you must remember that you are writing to people who if they've learned English have done so as a second language and many of the translators have never lived in the West to experience the language contextually.
--- Quote ---Excerpts:
"I have two young sons and am before other things a dedicated father. I make a strong family, but this must be something you want for yourself. You must have your own or want to have children because my life now is centered on children."
"My partner is educated, happy, and loving. She has children of her own that she wants to grow up in a strong family, or she is seeking a good husband and father for children that she wants to have. She is seeking and able to give deep love and commitment and expects the same in return."
--- End quote ---
My draft suggestion:
--- Quote ---I am a single father raising two sons by myself. I hope to find a wife who loves children so that we can build a strong family together. My future wife is intelligent and loves children. It is great if you have children and I will love your child also. Please write to me if you feel the same about family and life.
--- End quote ---
Trust me that you won't lose anything in the simplified form and will still weed out those with different goals while attracting the kind of lady you seek. It is also written in a way that is easier to translate on her end.
A profile on an international site using translated languages is only meant to generate interest with the right audience. After a connection is made you'll still have to sift and sort using various communication forms and personal visits to determine exact compatibility.
Btw, personally were I in your shoes I wouldn't even give childless females the time of day in your situation. Given your age they're going to be too young to be excited at the prospect of raising some other woman's kids and when their first baby comes along, you'll have a fight on your hands about child priorities in the family. Find an existing mom as they tend to be much more mature then their contemporaries at your age, and they'll better understand the sacrifices needed to blend a family.
ozybob:
bjw
id agree 100% with mendelyev &larry , on the re draft ,and how you pitch your situation , be honest , but softer honest ...at present it reads abit harshly or coldly disciplened in some ways imo
i have 4 children , when i put up my profile originally several years ago , like you i wanted to put a clear message about my love for kids and family first, & the sort of potential partner that would attract ,
dont worry in my experience you will have plenty of interest if you convey your message correctly , so think carefully how you portray your life and what it actually will read like for a women to read it ..how she will interpret that profile ,her very first impressions of the sort of man that wrote it , & the father /partner he might be
write from your heart first ime , in essence i wrote i had four children , who i loved dearly , i loved being a responsible father , and i would welcome any lady who might have a child /children of her own & who would be happy to share our life together as part of a large family ,
i decided i didnt want to father any more children , so i filtered ladys with no kids out , on the assumption that they would probably want one of their own
contrary to my original expectation i had a lot of replys , many good ladys , and almost zero scammers ;D
im interested how much interaction do you have with the childrens mum ?? does she enter your home now ?? how close an influence does she have in their day to day life ?? as these can become key areas of conflict , with any new partner ,
what sort of parenting style would you say you have now ??
ime , fsu mums are usually pretty hard task masters on their own kids , expect it to be evenly applied if you want success in marriage
bob
CzechMate:
I do not have a lot of experience, but for what it is worth the FSU women that I have been communicating with are shocked that I do not have any children (I am in my fifties) and are concerned about what type of father I would be as a result. I have explained that my ex-wife could not have children (medical hysterectomy) and that just does not get discussed. Explaining the relationship I have with my nephews seems to open up the closed door as it were, so it does support the notion that many women are looking for a man who will be a supportive dad (at my age I am not interested in having a baby, but would be willing to be a partner to an adopted family).
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