Talk > Ask a Russian Lady - Спроси у русской леди
Question for the FSUW...
Ade:
--- Quote from: HoundDaddyLee on July 16, 2012, 12:08:43 PM ---I really care about this girl. She is funny, beautiful, smart and talented. But she seems to be emotionally damaged to the point that it is beyond my abilities to fix. I have been f'ed by women in my life, I do not visit these sins on other women. So I guess my question to the ladies here is... Am I handling this correctly?
--- End quote ---
If you feel she needs to be fixed, she's not right for you. I'm speaking from the perspective of someone that was married to a woman with mental health issues. I would explain why to her and move on. Don't try to be the proverbial white knight.
My wife is on the phone to her mother at the moment. When she's finished I'll ask her for an opinion.
Larry:
--- Quote ---Sometime in the middle-start of June I started getting the "where are my flowers" messages. She finally came out with an observation, not a request mind you but an observation, that it would be nice to have some new flowers because the old ones had died.
--- End quote ---
I'd say the way Lee's friend handled this makes the situation different from that of Zachris's girlfriend. It shows that she probably has some "issues". It was an extreme overreaction.
The longer I'm in this search the more I begin taking the "BruceLee approach". I'm talking about BruceLee the RUA member rather than the Chinese-Am. martial arts film star. If you notice these red flags, don't ignore them; move on.
Ade:
Okay, my wife says you should move on. Or, more precisely, it would be nice for you to give her another chance but she wouldn't if it were her, not at this phase in your pen-palship.
My wife doesn't think you were hard at all.
I agree (of course ;) ) and go further still and say that I think you were too accommodating and too soft. Totally unwarranted bad behaviour like she exhibited was wrong and she should have been falling all over herself to apologize - at least, she should have if she understood how inappropriate it was for her to behave like that. In all likelihood, this behaviour is a precursor to much worse things. ;)
missAmeno:
--- Quote from: HoundDaddyLee on July 16, 2012, 12:08:43 PM ---Am I handling this correctly?
--- End quote ---
No
--- Quote from: HoundDaddyLee on July 16, 2012, 12:08:43 PM ---I got an email from her telling me I have offended her and she doubts my feelings for her. ?????. I reply asking her to go to Skype to discuss it, but she is too upset to see me. So, of course, I do what any man would do, I write that I need to know what I did to offend her so I can make it right and learn from my mistakes. Her reply is that if I cared about her I would know what was wrong. Ok, my second wife was passive agressive in this way, expecting me to be a mind reader. So I reply again to let me know what the issue is so we can discuss it. I ended the letter with a little humor about us having our "first fight". She replied that she would contact me on Sunday as she was too upset.
So on Sunday I get an email from her apologizing for her "tantrum". That she was upset about things in her life and was wrong to do this to me. She was ashamed and would see me Monday in Skype as "...she couldn't look me in the eyes". So I replied that I forgave her and that when she feels there are problems in her life that she can talk to me about it and I would try help. (Yes, I can see the money request on the horizon). So this morning I get up (I work from my home office when not traveling for my job) and start my day. She comes on Skype much earlier than normal and says she wasn't feeling well and stayed home from work today. Then she proceeded to tell me she doubts my feelings because it had been over a month since I sent her flowers.
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How confident are you that she really doubts you because of flowers? If its just about flowers then girls just joke about it or ask straight forwards as in Zachris situation. She started talk about doubts caused by your behaviour and if you not 100% sure it is just about flowers, dig into your conversations in previous days/weeks, she more likely been giving hints for some time before "tantrum".
--- Quote from: HoundDaddyLee on July 16, 2012, 12:08:43 PM ---She followed this up with an email telling me that she feels I am only with her out of boredom ( :censored: me!).
--- End quote ---
Do you have booked tickets to visit her? Dont dismiss such huge statement with flowers and tantrum options. Basically she analyzed your behaviour from her woman's point of view and thinks you are not serious about her.
--- Quote from: HoundDaddyLee on July 16, 2012, 12:08:43 PM ---I sat and thought for a while and I realized her history with men that she has shared with me is where this is coming from. She had a loveless father, who abandoned the family, she had a man get her pregnant and abandon her and her child (oldest). Then her ex-husband was physically abusive to her during the marriage.
...
I spent time composing a nice email to her explaining that I have much patience and am willing to help her with any issues she has, but I will not pay for the sins of all the bad men in her life. I told her that I cared for her very much, but she would have to show trust in that or we could never have a future.
--- End quote ---
She tells you she has doubts and you answer to her by telling she is the one with issues and its because she only met jerks in her life. :'(
If you talk like this with her all the time, dont be surprised she is offended and has doubts in you.
--- Quote from: HoundDaddyLee on July 16, 2012, 12:08:43 PM ---I really care about this girl. She is funny, beautiful, smart and talented. But she seems to be emotionally damaged to the point that it is beyond my abilities to fix.
--- End quote ---
Do you have anything else excluding this tantrum and her previous experience with men to think so? Just because she had difficult life doesnt mean she is damaged. And if to think every woman, who met wrong guy or had problematic relationship with father, is damaged then most of us would fall in that category at some point of our lives and we are all doomed.
Lee, you asked and I answered, dont take as offence as its not my intentions. My linguistic skills far from any good. The questions I asked are for answering to yourself only. If you are confident that she is "damaged" then of course move on but if its first misunderstanding between you two then look back and try to see what could have you done differently and change those things as soon as you can.
Manny:
--- Quote from: HoundDaddyLee on July 16, 2012, 12:08:43 PM ---I am looking for input from the ladies, but men pipe in if you have something helpful to offer...
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Well, you might not like it, and I take a different view to missAmeno above, but here goes......
If she has histronics before you have actually met, imagine how bad it will be when she is married to you and less concened about making a good first impression. :duh:
--- Quote from: HoundDaddyLee on July 16, 2012, 12:08:43 PM ---She had a loveless father, who abandoned the family, she had a man get her pregnant and abandon her and her child (oldest). Then her ex-husband was physically abusive to her during the marriage.
--- End quote ---
You will spend the years of your marriage paying for the actions of those men.
Forty year old women, with two kids, that engage in amateur dramatics over non-issues are abundant at home. Why seek to import one? We go abroad in search of better relationships, not to emulate ones easily available at home, then make an even bigger rod for our own backs by adding a language and cultural barrier to that mix.
That you gave in to her behaviour and apologised gives her a licence to continue. It means she will wear the pants in your relationship and you will spend the years of your marriage apologising for the non-events she dreams up twice a week.
If you seek to continue this relationship, grow a pair and explain to her what behaviour you wont put up with - and mean it. She will likely respect you more for that.
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