Talk > Ask a Russian Lady - Спроси у русской леди
Question for the FSUW...
HoundDaddyLee:
Hello,
I am looking for input from the ladies, but men pipe in if you have something helpful to offer...
Ok. I have been corresponding/Skyping with a 40 yo lady from Nikolaev since early April. Her English is getting better and we have not had any communication issues. The problem that came up this past Saturday is something entirely different. For background, we have been planning on me to visit her in Nikolaev this upcoming September. She has introduced me to her two children (4yo girl, 12 yo boy) on Skype. Things have been going along very well. No requests for money for MAMA's surgery, car payment, etc. So on Saturday afternoon the sh*t hit the fan.
I got an email from her telling me I have offended her and she doubts my feelings for her. ?????. I reply asking her to go to Skype to discuss it, but she is too upset to see me. So, of course, I do what any man would do, I write that I need to know what I did to offend her so I can make it right and learn from my mistakes. Her reply is that if I cared about her I would know what was wrong. Ok, my second wife was passive agressive in this way, expecting me to be a mind reader. So I reply again to let me know what the issue is so we can discuss it. I ended the letter with a little humor about us having our "first fight". She replied that she would contact me on Sunday as she was too upset.
So on Sunday I get an email from her apologizing for her "tantrum". That she was upset about things in her life and was wrong to do this to me. She was ashamed and would see me Monday in Skype as "...she couldn't look me in the eyes". So I replied that I forgave her and that when she feels there are problems in her life that she can talk to me about it and I would try help. (Yes, I can see the money request on the horizon). So this morning I get up (I work from my home office when not traveling for my job) and start my day. She comes on Skype much earlier than normal and says she wasn't feeling well and stayed home from work today. Then she proceeded to tell me she doubts my feelings because it had been over a month since I sent her flowers. A little about me, I love to give flowers. But I do not do it on a "schedule" because then they stop having meaning. June is the fiscal 4th quarter at my company (A large software company that makes an operating system we have all cursed at one time or another. ;D ) so I have been slammed with work to close out the year, as I am a technical specialist with a sales team. That being said, I think this was a huge over reaction on her part. I told her that I was sorry for being inattentive and would try harder (what the hell else could I say). She replied she felt that I did not care about her and she had to go.
She followed this up with an email telling me that she feels I am only with her out of boredom ( :censored: me!). I sat and thought for a while and I realized her history with men that she has shared with me is where this is coming from. She had a loveless father, who abandoned the family, she had a man get her pregnant and abandon her and her child (oldest). Then her ex-husband was physically abusive to her during the marriage. I discussed the situation with one of our forum mates (Larry). He has a good ear and can bring perspective where my local friends cannot. He agreed that this was not a good situation and maybe it was time to cut bait.
I spent time composing a nice email to her explaining that I have much patience and am willing to help her with any issues she has, but I will not pay for the sins of all the bad men in her life. I told her that I cared for her very much, but she would have to show trust in that or we could never have a future.
I really care about this girl. She is funny, beautiful, smart and talented. But she seems to be emotionally damaged to the point that it is beyond my abilities to fix. I have been f'ed by women in my life, I do not visit these sins on other women. So I guess my question to the ladies here is... Am I handling this correctly?
Note: While I was composing this I got a reply to my email to her. She says that there is much truth in my writing about her history with men and that again she is "...amazed by my wits and intelligence". She says she cares for me and wants me in her life and will work to not behave this way in the future.
But still I want input from the ladies here. Am I doing the right thing here. Is the hardline approach correct? I think it is for my peace of mind.
Thanks for any input,
Lee
Muzh_1:
Hi Lee.
Time to get together for another beer, eh? :thumbsup:
I don't think she is "emotionally damaged" as you described. I guess she is just looking for attention; and lots of it. From the little you have described I would advice you to keep an eye open to her "clinginess" which I think is the real culprit. It is up to you how you feel about that.
Now, this issue can be clearly misunderstood for someone asking for money. IF she is hinting at you spending money of things like flowers or candy or perfume, keep in mind this MAY be one way for her to get you to notice her more often.
And then again, I can be way in left field. :smokin:
HoundDaddyLee:
--- Quote from: Muzh_1 on July 16, 2012, 12:20:02 PM ---Hi Lee.
Time to get together for another beer, eh? :thumbsup:
I don't think she is "emotionally damaged" as you described. I guess she is just looking for attention; and lots of it. From the little you have described I would advice you to keep an eye open to her "clinginess" which I think is the real culprit. It is up to you how you feel about that.
Now, this issue can be clearly misunderstood for someone asking for money. IF she is hinting at you spending money of things like flowers or candy or perfume, keep in mind this MAY be one way for her to get you to notice her more often.
And then again, I can be way in left field. :smokin:
--- End quote ---
I agree that this is not a money grab, more that she wants flowers. That I can do, but I do not want it to be scheduled thing, then it stops having a special meaning. But your input is outstanding and I am curious as to your wifes perspective as well.
Yes, beer! And soon. I may be heading back to Albany in the next month, if I do I will let you know.
Lee
Zachris:
I had the "flower" thing too. Not as bad as you, but it was still kind of a surprise.
I had been sending her flowers once a month without realizing it.
In October as a way to say I think our relationship has potential.
In November because that was her birthday.
In December for Christmas
In January, because that is when I visited.
In February for Valentines Day.
In March for Women's Day.
In April because I was away on business and therefore out of communication for a while.
In May -- oops I missed that month
Sometime in the middle-start of June I started getting the "where are my flowers" messages. She finally came out with an observation, not a request mind you but an observation, that it would be nice to have some new flowers because the old ones had died.
I was a little surprised, because I do not feel that I "owe" her flowers. But, then I read about how important flowers are for a woman in her culture. And, when I am not there, it is the only visible evidence that she can display to show that there really is a man in her life and not just some imaginary fellow who she "claims" lives in America. Based upon those factors, I do not mind sending flowers.
In the final analysis, it is a small price to pay to assuage some minor insecurities and to make her happy.
Muzh_1:
--- Quote from: Zachris on July 16, 2012, 12:33:58 PM ---
I was a little surprised, because I do not feel that I "owe" her flowers. But, then I read about how important flowers are for a woman in her culture. And, when I am not there, it is the only visible evidence that she can display to show that there really is a man in her life and not just some imaginary fellow who she "claims" lives in America. Based upon those factors, I do not mind sending flowers.
In the final analysis, it is a small price to pay to assuage some minor insecurities and to make her happy.
--- End quote ---
Bingo!
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