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Author Topic: figure it out before it goes too far  (Read 3798 times)

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Offline 2 Cats

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figure it out before it goes too far
« on: September 13, 2009, 08:11:03 AM »
I've been wanting to point this out to you new guys that are serious about this.
 
   When i met, my now wife, in Aug. 06 on the net, i would ask her many questions over time to see where her heart, mind and ability was. 1 question was, "can you leave your friends and family and live so far away?" She gave me a good & truthful answer and no more was said about it. We continued to move forward.
   But here's the problem that never crossed our minds.... someone, a family member, becoming ill. Marina arrived here in Oct. 08 and during our 2 years prior to her arrival everyone in her family was well. In Nov. 08 her mother asked her to return home to assist her with her father, he had been diagnosed with lung cancer. Of course, she could not refuse. There was no one else that could help in this situation like her. She had me book a return flight for Feb. and today (Sept.) she is still there. Very disappointing for us. Her father is ? and now she has begun to think of the future and her mothers health, which now is not so good. Marina is very devoted to her family and had she not come to the aid of her family at this time of need, i would have to question her character. Yes, i am her husband and where is her devotion to me? Well it seems that there in her country the parents come first, as i have understood it. I haven't pressured or bitched about it, it would do no good. I/we've got too much invested in this to throw it all away when we continue to have such deep feelings as we do for each other. Just being patient and thankful for what we have, telephones and webcams (although now her computer is shot). I will have to go there to see her it seems, but it ain't gonna be easy for me. Just more of the investment process when you become involved with someone that lives far far away.
   So, to you new guys that like the idea of this and you find a woman that you are serious about, I recommend that you figure it ALL out before it goes too far. My wife is a wonderful person, i can not abandon her because of this unfortunate incident that has entered our relationship. Shit happens!
bp
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. (Roosevelt, i believe)

Offline fireeater

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #1 on: September 13, 2009, 08:50:24 AM »
2Cats

Sorry for your wife's fathers condition and the problems it has created. Even an "in city" one can create disruptions to one's life when it occurs. As you put it life has all the ups and downs that come with it. The distance just makes it harder. But if two have the right attitude then you can only go with the flow, as to what is needed.

Now I know a couple, she is now in another city, he is here with the children. Due to work requirements this has happened. Yet they are surviving, because their relationship is strong.
She flys back whenever she can, the cost is worth the time with both her husband and children. Yet I know they wish this problem had never occurred, and it is for a number of years. As a couple you have to make those choices together, and anyone could actually have those occur, regardless of location.

The distance is this one just makes it much harder, yet can have the same hardships that could occur here. But you are right, one needs to think about, not just now, but down the road for what may happen, or may not.

Hope your situation improves, and you are reunited together  a more permanent basis.  :)       

Offline mendeleyev

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #2 on: September 13, 2009, 08:55:07 AM »
2 cats, nice to see you again!

I'm very sorry about your inlaws health. These are tough decisions and not everyone will understand your perspective. How you resolve it will be between the two of you.

It seems out of place that there is no extended family to help, but I must admit that we have a dear family friend of my MIL who has no children, and no brothers or sisters (therefore no neices and nephews), and someday she will be very alone in a system where the state will place her in the kind of institution that would make most of us shudder if she comes to the place where she cannot care for herself.



Offline Boris

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #3 on: September 13, 2009, 09:05:53 AM »
Mendy...2cats,

Svetlana and I had the same difficulty. She was the only child. It was not a matter of money but one of responsibility. It is important to discuss all of these issues early on.

B.

Offline TomT

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #4 on: September 13, 2009, 10:13:29 AM »
I will have to go there to see her it seems, but it ain't gonna be easy for me.

I don't precisely understand why it won't be easy for you to visit your wife.
"Get away from the keyboard little man. I know where you live." (Message left in my facebook mailbox by our resident psychopath.)

Offline carole

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #5 on: September 14, 2009, 12:58:23 AM »
Your wife need your support. Just think about it, what if this problem happen to your father, what will you do?

Offline kievstar

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #6 on: September 14, 2009, 02:59:04 AM »
You should get on a plane and visit.  Bring a new computer. 

When you marry someone you marry there family as well.  I know many women in USA you take care of their parents as well.  This is not isolated to Ukraine / Russia.


Offline MND

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #7 on: September 14, 2009, 03:50:29 AM »
You should get on a plane and visit.  Bring a new computer. 

When you marry someone you marry there family as well.  I know many women in USA you take care of their parents as well.  This is not isolated to Ukraine / Russia.



This is true when you marry especially most women from Russia/Ukraine you do marry there family too so expect to help out your now extended family as well.
I was well aware of this before we married as this is something we both discussed so be prepared to be linked to the two countries for many years to come.

Offline mirror

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #8 on: September 14, 2009, 08:35:14 AM »
I am too curious about how it is possible for 2 loving people to stay apart from each other so long (Feb-Sept?)  :drunk:

Offline jb

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #9 on: September 14, 2009, 12:44:06 PM »
It's probably financially difficult for 2 cats to get over to the FSU during these months.  He's basically running two households during this time, one in the USA and one in the FSU, color that expensive,,, and besides, somebody needs to stay home and baby sit the 2 cats.    :laugh:
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Offline hemingway

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #10 on: September 14, 2009, 12:57:30 PM »
I am too curious about how it is possible for 2 loving people to stay apart from each other so long (Feb-Sept?)  :drunk:
It is Nov 2008-Sept 2009 (almost a year) that they've been apart. The return flight was booked for Feb 2009, but not used.




Online 2tallbill

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #11 on: September 14, 2009, 02:32:20 PM »
Your wife need your support. Just think about it, what if this problem happen to your father, what will you do?

Welcome to the forum !!!
FSUW are not for entry level daters. FSUW don't do vague FSUW like a man of action so be a man of action  If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane. There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.
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Offline 2 Cats

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2009, 09:27:57 AM »
Hope your situation improves, and you are reunited together  a more permanent basis.  :)   

Thanks Fireeater
I will have to go there to see her it seems, but it ain't gonna be easy for me.

I don't precisely understand why it won't be easy for you to visit your wife.
Aside from the price of this ticket and other expenses while there, there's the 2 weeks away from my work which i will have to pay someone to do while i'm away. It will all add up to more than "chump change" for me. At least now i can send some money to help. If i do this it could jeopardize that. Something about a rock and a hard place comes to mind.
It seems out of place that there is no extended family to help, but I must admit that we have a dear family friend of my MIL who has no children, and no brothers or sisters (therefore no neices and nephews), and someday she will be very alone in a system where the state will place her in the kind of institution that would make most of us shudder if she comes to the place where she cannot care for herself.
Marina has said something like it is "taboo" to let a parent go to one of these places if you have the ability to care for them at home. So here we are.

Your wife need your support. Just think about it, what if this problem happen to your father, what will you do?
Actually Carole, this is why i'm in mississippi, my mom. Although, she is not sick but i must help with things she is not able to do.

You should get on a plane and visit.  Bring a new computer. 
Would a US computer work in Russia?
and besides, somebody needs to stay home and baby sit the 2 cats.    :laugh:

damn,... i didn't even think about the cats, yet!

Thanks for the input on this matter and i hope it opened some eyes to the possibilities of what can be encountered in the development of a foreign love affair. bp
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. (Roosevelt, i believe)

Offline FogHorn

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2009, 03:12:41 PM »
Thank you 2 Cats for throwing light on this subject. It certainly is an angle which those looking for an international  partner - from any country - need to address in their minds, ideally before starting a search. I think your posting goes to highlight such unexpected costs are very much likely to occur.

It is unfortunate for you that Marina was her parent's only child, otherwise it might have been likely that she could have returned by now, if not for a while. I think you have showed a very good attitude and you are correct in not having complained. Perhaps some guys might have done so if their partner had been gone for so long. At the end of the day they are her parents and if one of them is ill, I think it is only natural that she would want to care for them. For me personally, I would (and I know you are not) not create an issue. Give her as much time as she needs. All you can do right now is provide support and be on the end of the phone for her, until you are both next together. I'm sure she really appreciates your patience  :)

Offline 2 Cats

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #14 on: October 27, 2009, 02:10:48 PM »
Well, here's the latest.... she has told me she can not come back. She is very close to her parents and feels she needs to be there with them now and in the future as they age. Something she regrets not thinking about before she got me involved with her fantasy. What can you do?! I told her when she was here that after she got settled in and she wanted, she could get her son to come if he wished. He is 21.
   I understand her situation and can not be angry about it, but very disappointed in this outcome after 3 yrs. Maybe i will try to wait but if i meet someone else then it will be goodbye. But i guess we will always be very good friends and communicate from time to time. I will just worry about her life there now, which would be much better for her here.
Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. (Roosevelt, i believe)

Offline Chris

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2009, 02:27:42 PM »
Sorry to hear this 2 cats, I don't suppose there is a way to get her parents to the States is there? Just throwing out ideas.

Offline Manny

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #16 on: October 27, 2009, 02:48:41 PM »
Well, here's the latest.... she has told me she can not come back. She is very close to her parents and feels she needs to be there with them now and in the future as they age. Something she regrets not thinking about before she got me involved with her fantasy. What can you do?! I told her when she was here that after she got settled in and she wanted, she could get her son to come if he wished. He is 21.
   I understand her situation and can not be angry about it, but very disappointed in this outcome after 3 yrs. Maybe i will try to wait but if i meet someone else then it will be goodbye. But i guess we will always be very good friends and communicate from time to time. I will just worry about her life there now, which would be much better for her here.

This is always an inherent risk with parents and other relatives who remain in Russia.

Sorry to hear the news 2cats.  :(
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Offline BCKev

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #17 on: October 27, 2009, 03:15:15 PM »
It is a difficult time for your family, I sincerely hope all will work out well.

Aging parents is a problem many of us will have to deal with, so it makes a great topic for discussion. We have been discussing getting a permanent resident visa for my MIL when she retires. Don't know if it will be possible or not. In the nearer future, we want to bring the MIL to Canada for a few months visit. Possibly repeat that every year. From what I understand of our visa rules, that could mean up to 6 months in Canada each year.

Have you and Marina considered bringing her parents to US for long visits? You might be able to work out something where Marina is always with her parents, sometimes in the US, and sometimes in Russia. Just an idea for you consideration.

Offline Sauron

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #18 on: October 27, 2009, 03:19:31 PM »
Anyone else wanted a family-oriented woman who can leave her child and husband behind, but not her parents ?

2 Cats, with all respect for your perseverence and devotion to her I do understand the tragedy for you. However it would be very wise for you to visit her and her parents and see for yourself how the situation is.
If she is the only child and her parents are truly in bad health, I can have some understanding for the situation, but this would also warrant the possibility of getting them visa for the US.
However the little devil in me tells there is more to the story as a parent not feeling well.

Online shakespear

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #19 on: October 27, 2009, 03:44:50 PM »
However the little devil in me tells there is more to the story as a parent not feeling well.

I smell a rat here as well.  Perhaps hiring an investigator might yield some light on the subject.  If you go over unannounced, even as her husband, you might not like what you discover.

You mentioned that you were sending money to her and her family every month?  If you don't mind sharing, can you tell us how much? 
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Offline workedforme

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #20 on: October 28, 2009, 06:01:16 AM »
2 cats,very sorry about your situation.

The problem with bringing her parents to the states is Health Costs! With 2 elderly people in poor health it would break a millionaire!

I personally don't think she is scamming him. If she was she would just lead him along, not tell him she cannot return...IE their marriage is over and he isn't required to support her any longer!

Offline mendeleyev

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #21 on: October 28, 2009, 11:05:00 AM »
2 Cats, so sorry to hear the news.

She has weighed the scales and to her eyes there are 2 parents/1 son in Russia versus 1 husband in the USA. Score 3 to 1 in a country where the standard of living is very slowing improving (hope) yet the costs of her parents care rising rapidly (reality).

Is there someone else? Perhaps not yet, but that would be a next logical step in order for her to have the ability to afford to support 3 relatives and herself, even with her finding a job.

I think, Like Shakespear, think that you need to be on a plane soon. I'd not assume anything about being able to stay at her place (things and attitudes can change over time) so make arrangements for an alternate place to stay in case such is needed.

You won't see the whole picture unless you go unannounced, no matter what the circumstances. Just pop in quickly unannounced and make it a quick turnaround.

Good luck to you.

Online andrewfi

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #22 on: October 29, 2009, 04:44:28 AM »
either get on a plane or treat her as dead to you. Don't do any 'waiting'. There is more going on here than you know about or want to know about.

If you go visit you will find stuff that will make you very unhappy but that may help you to move ahead. Knowledge will make the trip seem very inexpensive. If you do not go then do not expect her to come back... ever. Get a divorce and move on.

I may be wrong but I think this seems very rum. Marriage to you is very imprant and I am pretty sure that her parents will have been, if your wife is genuine, been telling her to stay with you. They almost certainly understand about duty and responsibility. It is your wife who is not be dutiful or responsible. Her father is an excuse for something. All you do not yet know is what the reality is.
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Offline 2 Cats

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #23 on: November 02, 2009, 03:56:39 PM »

Sorry to hear this 2 cats, I don't suppose there is a way to get her parents to the States is there? Just throwing out ideas.
I don't think this would be good for the parents. At their age with health issues it would be too difficult for them to adjust. Marina does have a younger sister but has explained that her sister can not do properly what is necessary to do for the parents. Marina is very conscientious about doing a good job, so i'm sure she wants the best for her parents.
Is there someone else? Perhaps not yet, but that would be a next logical step in order for her to have the ability to afford to support 3 relatives and herself, even with her finding a job.
"Is there someone else?" Well, I've considered this, but don't think I can believe it just yet. Besides all I have to do is just ask her and she will tell me. Reluctantly, but she would tell me. Her mom has a job and needs to go to work to make money for the household. Her health isn't so bad that she can't be productive. And Marina has had job for a while now (24hrs. on,48hrs.off)
 
You mentioned that you were sending money to her and her family every month?  If you don't mind sharing, can you tell us how much? 

I just send money to her, from time to time just to help her out. She usually tells me not to do it, that she doesn't need it. Maybe she doesn't but I'm sure it feels better for her if she has unexpected income in her pocket. It's only a hundred bucks, which seems to go a long way for her. I have had some thoughts that she would rather I didn't because it makes her feel guilty to continue to take my money due to this situation.
   I'll pass along some of what she wrote to me in a recent email. (Her son has gotten their computer working recently. We have not spoken by phone in almost 2 weeks. Her wishes, because she wants some time to pass after telling me the news of her not returning in a letter/email she sent weeks ago from her employers computer. Anyway this is from the most recent email (29th)....

Hello, my SweetHeart!
I should to ask you to forgive me! Honey, I really wanted to call you,
but I do not know what I can say you for now because I feel GUILTY VERY VERY VERY MUCH, and I brung to you many worries and disturbed you! And to call you now it is so ashamed to me. You made much for me in this life and therefore I feel so bad that can not to give you the same now. Forgive me SweetHeart! The God sees how I feel and what happen right now with me (you know, Honey, it is not my nature to bring any suffering to the person very closed to my heart), I feel bad mentally because I offended you very much, I did not acquitted your hopes and expectation. Forgive me, Dear! And you are very closed and will be forever! I know you have unclosing wound I have done to you, and I realize that I have the same, but I can do nothing for it. I may not to continue to give to you (and to myself also) promisses that I will come to America for the life. I understood that life there is not for me. You can come to me for a visit of course, but I will not promise you that I will change my mind and decision and probably come to you, no, I can not.

.... well this is some of it. Marina has always seemed very honest & sincere to me. I've seen and heard her cry many times about this situation and I find a little guilt in myself for thinking negatively about her and what is possibly really going on. I've pretty much analyzed it to pieces.
  I've even thought she may have been diagnosed with some terminal illness and prefers that I don't know cause she would not want me to worry or spend the required money to help or come there. She told me months ago about having constant headaches & migraines but wasn't able to tell me in English what the Dr. said.
   She has said that everyone knows of our marriage except her father. And I believe this reason is as someone wrote, he would tell her is needs to be with the man she married. (remember, we got married 2 days before she left and she got a copy of the marriage license to show her mom. Also, we had the understanding before her arrival that if not agreeable to either of us, we could walk away from it with no hard feelings towards each other.)
   
You won't see the whole picture unless you go unannounced, no matter what the circumstances. Just pop in quickly unannounced and make it a quick turnaround.
Well, you can see in her email that she suggest I come over for a visit, so I think to just "pop-in" would piss her (and everyone else) off. You know,..."I didn't get my hair fixed", etc. Yes, I do need to go there. When we spoke several weeks ago she was coming up with some petty and ridiculous complaints about some things when she was here. Like, I didn't look into the SS# she needed. I replied "you were only here 5 weeks, we had 3 months but first we need to see if we were going to be compatible in this new situation". Anyway there were a couple of other odd complaints about her time here. So as some of ya'll have said there's possibly more goin' on in the background than she's letting on. Maybe she wanted me to get angry and call it off so she didn't have to. I don't know.... just analyzing. I have told her that i have no bitterness towards her and to not worry so much about it. We'll work it out.
   Thanks to all for your input.... I'll add to this as time goes on.
BP








Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure, than to take rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy much nor suffer much, because they live in the grey twilight that knows not victory nor defeat. (Roosevelt, i believe)

Offline I/O

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Re: figure it out before it goes too far
« Reply #24 on: November 02, 2009, 05:33:40 PM »
Quote
(remember, we got married 2 days before she left


Quote
we need to see if we were going to be compatible in this new situation"
If these two had come in opposite order it would make more sense to me.

This is seeming more and more like one very homesick lady but I could be wrong.


 

 

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