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Author Topic: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian  (Read 10402 times)

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Online 2tallbill

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Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #50 on: June 09, 2010, 02:01:23 PM »

I've always been glad that I understand Mandarin and make totally off topic
and unrelated posts.    

So where is your joke In English or Russian ?

Ed not sure my joke will work

Человек спрашивает женщина, могу ли я запах влагалища?
Женщина говорит, не вы не можете запах моего влагалища.
Человек говорит, что должен быть вашим ногам Я чувствую запах

FSUW are not for entry level daters. FSUW don't do vague FSUW like a man of action so be a man of action  If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane. There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.
Get an apartment not a hotel. DON'T recycle girls

Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #51 on: June 09, 2010, 02:13:58 PM »

I've always been glad that I understand Mandarin and make totally off topic
and unrelated posts.    

So where is your joke In English or Russian ?

Ed not sure my joke will work

Человек спрашивает женщина, могу ли я запах влагалища?
Женщина говорит, не вы не можете запах моего влагалища.
Человек говорит, что должен быть вашим ногам Я чувствую запах


sorry Beel...didn't quite get it the way it's written

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #52 on: June 09, 2010, 02:25:54 PM »
ok, here is the joke in English


I was standing next to an attractive woman in the supermarket and asked
her  "can smell the place between your legs?" she seemed quite upset and
said "NO you can't !!" so I said "hmmmm... it must be your feet I smell

FSUW are not for entry level daters. FSUW don't do vague FSUW like a man of action so be a man of action  If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane. There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.
Get an apartment not a hotel. DON'T recycle girls


Offline Stirlitz

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #53 on: June 10, 2010, 01:13:14 PM »
I don't get it.
Igor Kalinin
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Online 2tallbill

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #54 on: June 10, 2010, 01:36:51 PM »
It's a fairly vulgar joke and if you have to explain the joke then it didn't work.

A guy asks a woman "can I smell your v@gina?"

It is a play on the word can.

She thinks he is asking permission to smell her.
What he is actually asking is .....
"good grief is it your v@gina that I smell?"

So when she says NO thinking he doesn't have permission
So he is says "well it must be your stinking feet instead."  

Like I said if you gotta explain it then it didn't work.

FSUW are not for entry level daters. FSUW don't do vague FSUW like a man of action so be a man of action  If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane. There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.
Get an apartment not a hotel. DON'T recycle girls

Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #55 on: July 02, 2011, 11:06:55 PM »
Самые смешные вопросы про секс . (Подборка самых смешных вопросов про секс, отвечают специалисты)
   

Вопрос: До меня дошла очень странная информация от прабабушки что если заниматся минетом а имено целовать влагалище девушке то дети будут рождатся немыми. Слышал ли кто-нибудь об этом?

Ответ: Почему-то всегда думалось, что поцелуи в интимных местах девушек называются по-другому, хотя прабабушке, несомненно, виднее. А если во время целования громко чмокать, то плод в матке может еще и оглохнуть — звук в жидкости проводится на порядок лучше, чем в воздухе.

Вопрос: Здравствуйте! У меня один вопрос! Можно ли мужчине кончать при занятии анальным сексом? Не несет ли это за собой каких-либо последствий? Спасибо!

Ответ: Прежде всего, необходимо выяснить какую роль во время анального секса этот самый мужчина играет — пассивную или активную. Хотя, если уж начали, то в любом случае лучше закончить.

Вопрос: Моя врач-гинеколог в консультации сказала, что во время беременности заниматься сексом опасно, так как из-за резких сотрясений позвоночник ребенка может неправильно сформироваться.

Ответ: Не знаем, как там насчет позвоночника ребенка, а вот если сексом не заниматься, то может пострадать позвоночник мужа (например, от удара скалкой), так как беременная, да еще и неудовлетворенная женщина страшнее даже безграмотного гинеколога.

Вопрос: Правда ли что для того, чтобы не залететь, надо чаще менять партнеров — тогда яйцеклетка не успевает привыкнуть к сперматозоидам и не узнает их?

Ответ: Нет, это миф, широко распространенный среди яйцеклеток. Вообще-то, сперматозоидам абсолютно фиолетово — узнают их или нет, они просто идут и делают свое дело.

Вопрос: У меня с члена слезла кожа, а крайняя плоть затвердела и потеряла свои реигенративные способности. Может ли это быть из-за того, что я перепутал крем для рук с кремом-скрабом подружки?

Ответ: Конечно, может. В следующий раз внимательнее читайте, что написано на упаковке, а то мало ли попадется дедушкина средство от облысения… еще заколосится все. А вообще-то лучше перепутать свои руки со своей же подружкой, это гораздо эффективнее.

Вопрос: Он онанизма стало падать зрение. Как это исправить? Онанизмом перестал заниматься. Помогите пожалуйста.

Ответ: Скорее всего, зрение упало не от онанизма, а от постоянного просмотра порнографических сайтов в Интернете. В качестве радикального средства решения проблемы можно попросить Анатолия Чубайса устроить конец света в отдельно взятой квартире.

Вопрос: Здравствуйте. У меня такая проблема. Я живу в браке 10,5 лет. Отношениями с мужем довольна, но вот желания к сексу у меня уже нет. Половую жизнь постоянно разнообразиваем, но и это уже вошло в привычку. Может быть, попробовать гипноз, чтоб мне внушили или что-то пропить?

Ответ: Можно пропить машину. Или даже квартиру — острые ощущения гарантированы. А лучше пропить шкаф и на освободившееся место купить новую двуспальную кровать, опробовав ее в деле еще в мебельном магазине.

Вопрос: Замучила эрекция по ночам только во время сна, приходится вставать через каждые полчаса и обливать его холодной водой.

Ответ: Надо взять себя в руки и овладеть собою. Пару раз. Спать будете как убитый. А «его» лучше поберечь, а то может простыть и начать чихать по ночам, тогда вы точно не уснете.

Вопрос: Во время полового акта эрекция нормальная. После того как «кончу» член «падает» и «поднять» его можно только через 30 минут. Скажите, пожалуйста, это какая-то болезнь, и как это лечится?

Ответ: Болезнь известна под названием «падучий». Это не лечится, это врожденная конституциональная особенность.

Вопрос: Правда ли, что за день до сдачи анализов на половые инфекции нужно выпить бокал пива, стопку водки, съесть ложку меда, соленый огурец и что-то еще — уже не помню. Подруги говорят, что без этого анализы могут ничего не показать.

Ответ: Конечно, ведь анализы такие стеснительные. А если, например, нашу редакцию накормить и напоить в указанной последовательности, то мы еще спеть и сплясать можем.

Вопрос: Существует ли центр реабилитации гомосексуализма?

Ответ: Существует, в настоящее время — это отечественная эстрада.

Вопрос: Здравствуйте, доктор у меня вот какой вопрос. При занятии сексом с женой у меня нет никаких проблем, а если я хочу занятся сексом с другой женщиной возникают проблемы в отсутствие эрекции. Почему так происходит?

Ответ: Потому что просыпается совесть.

Вопрос: Как рассказать 7-ми летней девочке про секс, зачатие ребенка, строение мужских и женских половых органов. Стоит ли рассказать в таком возрасте о противозачатночных средствах, в какой форме? Есть ли какие нибудь обучающие видеофильмы, книги, доступные для нормального детского восприятия.

Ответ: Если это не ваш ребенок, то лучше ничего не рассказывать. Потом не докажете, что вы это в образовательных целях делали, и действительно любите детей как, например, Майкл Джексон. А если это ваш ребенок, то обязательно нужно с ней поговорить о сексе, можете узнать много нового и интересного.

Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #56 on: July 26, 2011, 07:49:03 PM »
Одному парню понравилась одна девушка. Он к ней подошел и признался в своих чувствах. Она в ответ: - У тебя есть 3 мерседеса? - Нет - А 2-х этажная вилла? - Нет - Разговор закончен. Он приходит к отцу, рассказывает ему все и просит совета. Отец: - Нууу, Что могу сказать... Бентли ты продашь, 3 мерса купишь, но сносить 2 этажа из-за бабы, сынок

Offline Wild Orchid

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #57 on: July 26, 2011, 08:55:21 PM »
My husband likes an old Russian joke about cucumbers.

Vegetable stall Soviet style. One shop-assistant selling cucumbers and a line of people. First woman "I'd like that thick and short one!" Second one "Long and skinny for me please!" Man behind them "And for me... just for salad.."

Every time my hubby pickscucumber from his vegie patch he brings it in and says "that one is only for salad!"

Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #58 on: July 26, 2011, 09:38:05 PM »
My husband likes an old Russian joke about cucumbers.

Vegetable stall Soviet style. One shop-assistant selling cucumbers and a line of people. First woman "I'd like that thick and short one!" Second one "Long and skinny for me please!" Man behind them "And for me... just for salad.."

Every time my hubby pickscucumber from his vegie patch he brings it in and says "that one is only for salad!"
:ROFL: funny one!

Offline Wiz

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #59 on: January 05, 2018, 02:28:25 AM »
A Russian maid is seeking a pay increase
from her Lady boss!



She is the Russian maid and she is asking for an increase from her Lady.
The boss gets furious at her request and asks:

"Why Natasha want  a payrise suddenly, what happened?"

"Nothing much but I am ironing better than you ..."

"And why do you want an increase and who told you that you ironing better? "

"Your husband my lady" answers the Russian woman and laughed at the lady.

"The other thing is that I'm better cook than you lady," continues the Russian maid.

"And who told you that you cook better than me Natasha?"

"Your husband my lady" answers the Russian woman and the lady blushes.

"The other thing is that I'm better in bed than you lady," the Russian quips.

The lady boss is fuming.

"And who told you that you are better in bed than me Natasha?

Did my husband tell you that?

"Ready to go to her husband to scream and kill him.

"No, the Gardener. That's why I'm telling you, I want the pay increase Mrs.

 :ROFL:

 

Online AvHdB

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #60 on: January 14, 2018, 12:24:37 PM »
Good one Wiz!
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Offline Wiz

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #61 on: January 15, 2018, 04:31:59 AM »
The Cowboy

A  successful Montana rancher died and left everything to his devoted  wife.

She was a very good-looking  woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about  ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch  hand .

Two cowboys applied for the  job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard  about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy,  figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the  drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker  who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For  weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very  well.

Then one day, the rancher's  widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the  ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your  heels.'

The hired hand readily agreed  and went into town one Saturday  night.

One o'clock came, however, and  he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned  around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's  widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for  him.

She quietly called him over to  her.

'Unbutton my blouse and take it  off,' she said.  Trembling, he did as she  directed.
 
'Now take off my  boots.' He did as she asked, ever so  slowly .
 
Now  take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly  by her boots.

'Now take off my  skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes  in the fire  light.

'Now take off my  bra.' Again, with trembling hands , he did as he was told and  dropped it to the  floor.

Then she looked at him and  said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're  fired.'

 :laugh: :laugh: :laugh:

Online msmoby

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #62 on: July 31, 2019, 09:51:06 AM »


I don't know if the original is Russian - but I found it on RU social media ..


Offline Wiz

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #63 on: August 01, 2019, 02:27:51 PM »
Old men may walk slow BUT think FAST


An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there

In the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said:

'I'm here to feed the crocodile


 ;D

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #64 on: August 01, 2019, 10:14:41 PM »
 :laugh:  tiphat Love the croc joke Wizz

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #65 on: August 02, 2019, 03:10:48 AM »
Old men may walk slow BUT think FAST


An elderly man in Queensland had owned a large property for several years.

He had a dam in one of the lower paddocks where he had planted mango and avocado trees.

The dam had been fixed up for swimming when it was built and he also had some picnic tables placed there

In the shade of the fruit trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the dam to look it over, as he hadn't been there for a while.

He grabbed a ten litre bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the dam, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his dam.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'We're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the dam naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said:

'I'm here to feed the crocodile


 ;D

 :ROFL:   :ROFL:   :ROFL:   :bow:
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P. J. O'Rourke

Online 2tallbill

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Jokes
« Reply #66 on: August 10, 2019, 12:47:27 PM »
My friend Fred, was sitting in his office one day not bothering
anybody and he got a phone call from a Gal named Mary.

She said "Oh Fred you remember me I was wearing a hat
all the time even during sex and you said that I was a
good ole girl"



Sure, enough he remembered her and asked "how's life?"
Mary said "I'm standing on the roof of a 40 story building,
you got me pregnant that night we had sex and if you don't
marry me I am going to jump off this building".

Fred said "Wow you really are a good ole girl aren't you"

FSUW are not for entry level daters. FSUW don't do vague FSUW like a man of action so be a man of action  If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane. There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.
Get an apartment not a hotel. DON'T recycle girls

Offline Confederate

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #67 on: August 10, 2019, 12:49:45 PM »
Is a slug really just a snail that went through a divorce?

Yep, lost the house.  :chuckle:
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. P. J. O'Rourke

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #68 on: August 10, 2019, 11:56:09 PM »
putin, trump and rutte are travelling on an airplane.
after a while putin says we are travelling over volgograd. i can feel the tip of the sword.
some time later trump says we are flying over washington. i can feel the tip of the empire state building



some times later mark rutte says we are flying over amsterdam.
trump says how do you know? amsterdam hasnt got any tall buildings

rutte says


my watch was stolen
You can change anything in life, but a BMW only for a BMW
My first trip to my wife: To Evpatoria!
My road trip to Crimea: Roadtrip to Evpatoria


 

 

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