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Author Topic: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian  (Read 83886 times)

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Online 2tallbill

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #25 on: February 03, 2010, 05:14:51 PM »
A joke that illustrates Russian attitude towards female drivers:

- Знаешь, дорогой, мне бы так хотелось иметь автомобиль, - просительно
говорит супруга. - Мы смогли бы повидать свет...
Муж: - Тот или этот?

Wife:
- You know, honey, I would so much like to have my own car... we could see the world then...
Husband:
- THIS world, or another the next one?



FSUW are not for entry level daters. FSUW don't do vague FSUW like a man of action so be a man of action  If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane. There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.
Get an apartment not a hotel. DON'T recycle girls

Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #26 on: February 03, 2010, 07:47:52 PM »
                                                                 The Husband Store

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in  New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. 

 

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors & the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' 



So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:


Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads: 



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.. 


'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.. 

 

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.   

PLEASE NOTE:
 


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street. 



The first floor has wives that love sex. 



The second floor has wives that love sex & have money & like beer. 




The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #27 on: March 18, 2010, 04:32:09 PM »
          A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
 She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked,
 "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again
 doctor?"
 The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter
 Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
 It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils
 out."


Offline froid

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #28 on: March 22, 2010, 09:22:20 AM »
In response to the viscious check by Ovechkin the NHL is going to be putting these on the back of all NHL jerseys. 
 
http://thumb15.shutterstock.com.edgesuite.net/display_pic_with_logo/10690/10690,1138561966,8/stock-photo-russian-stop-sign-isolated-on-a-white-background-931250.jpg
Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you're going to say it sucks and we're all gonna leave and then we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. <-Same goes for forums!

Offline leslied

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #29 on: March 23, 2010, 12:32:04 PM »
Emanuel is sat alone in his kitchen when suddenly an old guy in flowing white robes materialises on the stool opposite him.

“I am Jehovah!”  the visitor declares,  “You have lead an exemplary life Emanuel, so I am going to grant you a wish”

Can I wish for anything I want?” Emanuel asks.

“Yes” Jehovah replies “ but anything you wish for will be granted twice over to all your neighbours”

Emanuel considered this.  If he asks for a house all his neighbours would get two houses.  The same with a Mercedes.  He was silent for so long that Jehovah interrupted his thoughts.

“Come on.  Make your choice” Jehovah demanded.

“All right” Emanuel replied,  “ I want you to cut off one of my balls...”

Offline Olga_Mouse

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #30 on: March 23, 2010, 12:50:04 PM »
The Russian version of the above joke is about a country man and pricking out 1 eye...  :-\
Leaving Russia is not an emigration, rather an evacuation.

Online Markje

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #31 on: March 23, 2010, 02:19:32 PM »
Emanuel is sat alone in his kitchen when suddenly an old guy in flowing white robes materialises on the stool opposite him.

“I am Jehovah!”  the visitor declares,  “You have lead an exemplary life Emanuel, so I am going to grant you a wish”

Can I wish for anything I want?” Emanuel asks.

“Yes” Jehovah replies “ but anything you wish for will be granted twice over to all your neighbours”

Emanuel considered this.  If he asks for a house all his neighbours would get two houses.  The same with a Mercedes.  He was silent for so long that Jehovah interrupted his thoughts.

“Come on.  Make your choice” Jehovah demanded.

“All right” Emanuel replied,  “ I want you to cut off one of my balls...”


I would simply ask for 100.000.000 dollars. So what if my neighbours get 200mill.

1 will gamble away his new fortunes,
1 has a vicious ex-bitch who will make sure I end up richer
and the last will become so paranoid he won't enjoy his new money.
OO===[][]===OO
My first trip to my wife: To Evpatoria!
My road trip to Crimea: Roadtrip to Evpatoria

Offline leslied

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #32 on: March 23, 2010, 02:32:41 PM »
Olga

My version is from western Ukraine.  

Markje

You miss the irony about Ukrainian Jews and the "crabs in a bucket" mentality of FSU society...


Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #33 on: April 09, 2010, 06:37:18 PM »
Доктор, операция пройдет хорошо?
- Не переживайте, если плохо, то Вы об этом не узнаете.
* * *
- Больной, вы пользовались презервативом при последнем половом контакте?
- Доктор, почему вы так зловеще произнесли: "последнем"?
* * *
- Иванов, вы сколько позволяете себе выпивать в день?
- Четыpе бутылки пива!
- Hо, я же pазpешил только две!
- Да, но теpапевт тоже pазpешил две!
***
Доктор, помогите, я заплачу!
- Давайте сначала деньги, а то поможешь людям - ни людей, ни денег, ни благодарности!
Лежит в гробу и делает вид, что не узнал!
* * *
К молодой девушке в больничной палате подходит врач.
- Так-с, разденьтесь мне надо вас осмотреть.
- Но перед вами меня уже смотрел другой доктор и сказал, что я в отличной форме.
- Мне он то же самое сказал.
* * *
Мужик навестил своего приятеля в больнице и рассказывает:
- Ну, он долго еще будет лечиться.
- Ты разговаривал с доктором?
- Нет, я видел медсестру.
***
Существует три основных правила для здоровья ваших зубов:
1) чистите их два раза в день;
2) посещайте стоматолога не реже двух раз в году;
3) не суйте нос не в свои дела.
 ***
Запись в медицинской карточке:
"Психических заболеваний нет. Просто - дурак ".
***
Одесса. Аптека. Рабинович:
- Извините, а сколько стоит у вас снотворное?
- 7 гривен, и то - исключительно для вас!
- Ой, не смешите меня! За такие деньги я вообще никогда не засну!!!
***
Мам, купи собаку-у-у-у!
- Отстань, не куплю!
- Ну, мам, смотри какая она красивая, добрая, ну купи-и-и-и!
- Сказала - не куплю! Отстань!
- Ма-а-а-а-м, ну пожалу-у-уста, ну купи-и-и-и!
- Изя, отстань, продай свою собаку кому-нибудь другому!!!
***
Редкое хобби у врача Петренко.
Уже который год он собирает последние слова своих пациентов.
* * *
К гинекологу приходит девушка.
После осмотра врач спрашивает ее:
- А сколько у вас было половых партнеров?
- Пять, шесть . . . - отвечает девушка.
- Что-то негусто . . . - говорит врач.
- Да уж, не задалась неделька . . .
***
Начало операции. Анестезиолог наклоняется над пациентом, чтобы приложить наркозную маску. Пациент, чувствуя жуткий запах перегара:
- Доктор, вы же пьяны!
Анестезиолог, ласково хлопая больного по щеке:
- Я пьян?
Мило-о-ок!!! Да вы ещё хирурга не видели.
* * *
Мужик приходит к хирургу.
- Доктор, что-то мне не писается!
- Показывайте. Да тут же у вас узел!
- Черт, опять забыл за хлебом сходить.
* * *
На приеме у врача:
- Мне очень не нравится Ваш кашель.
- Не могу ничего поделать - другого нету.
***
Скажите, доктор, обязательно делать эту дорогую операцию? Мне, в конце концов, необходимо содержать жену и моих детей.
- Мне тоже, уважаемый!
* * *
Окулист - пациенту:
- У меня для вас две новости. Хорошая и плохая. С какой начать?
- С хорошей, доктор.
- Скоро вы сможете читать без очков.
- Боже! Доктор! Это чудо! Но . . . как же . . . я ведь и в очках почти ничего не вижу . . . Как же я буду читать без очков-то?!
- Пальцами, мой дорогой, пальцами!
***
- Доктоp, это пpавда? У меня yже нет тyбеpкyлеза?
- Абсолютно, милый, абсолютно!
- Дайте я вас pасцелyю за это!
- Э, нет! Hе надо!!!
***
Старичок приходит к врачу: - Доктор, вы мне виагру не выпишете? Мне много не надо. Полтаблеточки в день достаточно.
- Полтаблеточки вряд ли дадут какой-нибудь серьёзный эффект.
- Ничего. Мне чтобы только на тапочки не писать.
***
- Ну, как я, доктор?
- Ничего . . . Завтра выпишем. Позвоните жене, чтобы приехала.
- Нет, доктор, не надо ее беспокоить.
- Как не надо? А кто же тело заберет?
 * *
Женщина приходит к врачу и говорит:
- Доктор, когда я смотрю на себя в зеркало - у меня возникают рвотные рефлексы. Что это может быть?!
- Ну, что ж - это говорит о том, что у вас отличное зрение.
* * *
- Врач сказал, что у меня врожденные способности к горнолыжному спорту.
- В чем это выражается?
- У меня быстро срастаются переломы . . .

Online 2tallbill

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #34 on: April 14, 2010, 06:57:09 PM »
These were sent to me by a MySpace friend

ПРИЗНАНИЕ В ЛЮБВИ НОВОГО РУССКОГО
Мадам, я, чисто, очарован,
Я раб, в натуре, Ваших глаз.
Базара нет, я околдован,
Мне мил конкретно образ Ваш.
Я не пойму, какого хрена,
Что, блин, со мной произошло...
В моей душе, мля, перемены
Конкретно всколыхнули всё!
Я, блин, попал, мне нет спасенья -
Сорвало башню, кипит кровь...
Я въехал в тему - нет сомнений,
Меня пробило на любовь!
***
Женская молитва
... Господи, молю, дай мне:
- Мудрости, чтобы понимать мужчину,
- Любви, чтобы прощать его,
- И терпения к его настроениям. Силы же, заметь, не прошу, Господи, а то ж прибью его нахрен!
FSUW are not for entry level daters. FSUW don't do vague FSUW like a man of action so be a man of action  If you find a promising girl, get your butt on a plane. There are a hundred ways to be successful and a thousand ways to f#ck it up
Kiss the girl, don't ask her first.
Get an apartment not a hotel. DON'T recycle girls

Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #35 on: April 14, 2010, 09:48:22 PM »
good one, Bill!

Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #36 on: June 08, 2010, 03:19:45 PM »
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
 
 
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an
attractive woman waving at him.  She says hello.
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where
he knows her from.
 
So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I
think you're the father of one of my kids.'
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever
been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the
stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on
the pool table with all my mates watching while your
partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
 
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your
daughter's teacher'.

Offline JeanClaude

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #37 on: June 08, 2010, 03:34:14 PM »
i dont get the Russian humor, what was the last pun?
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Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #38 on: June 08, 2010, 03:36:37 PM »
i dont get the Russian humor, what was the last pun?

this isn't Russian humor, JC - it's American. I thought it was really funny...

Offline RG

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #39 on: June 08, 2010, 03:55:49 PM »
Ed - it is funny. ;D
Just goes to show, when two fluent or even native English speaking people can still have misunderstandings, how many more do you think are possible between two different native language speakers, especially when non fluent? :)

Offline JeanClaude

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #40 on: June 08, 2010, 04:35:45 PM »
The funny part is "the reply" being logical but making no sense?   :D :D :popcorn: ???
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Offline RG

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #41 on: June 08, 2010, 04:38:40 PM »
The funny part is "the reply" being logical but making no sense?

JC - the man assumed the woman saying "I have one of your kids" meant as in, they had sex, she got pregnant, gave birth.
The teacher's meaning was she teaches ("has" in her classes) one of his known children.

The joke is the correct usage of the word in both cases, leading to two entirely different thought processes/miscommunications.

It's just not funny when you have to explain it. ;D


Offline JeanClaude

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #42 on: June 08, 2010, 04:41:46 PM »
The funny part is "the reply" being logical but making no sense?

JC - the man assumed the woman saying "I have one of your kids" meant as in, they had sex, she got pregnant, gave birth.
The teacher's meaning was she teaches ("has" in her classes) one of his known children.

The joke is the correct usage of the word in both cases, leading to two entirely different thought processes/miscommunications.

It's just not funny when you have to explain it. ;D



LOL, I did not even come close to getting this,  "one of my kids" is thus multi- interpretable, learned a new "slang" today
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Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #43 on: June 08, 2010, 04:49:53 PM »
Ed - it is funny. ;D
Just goes to show, when two fluent or even native English speaking people can still have misunderstandings, how many more do you think are possible between two different native language speakers, especially when non fluent? :)
I'm working with a guy right now, American, who is talking to a beautiful girl in Siberia. We found out early on that she can write decent English and they decided to communicate without me translating. I believe after his second letter she stopped responding to him.
They were really connecting and seemed like they really liked each other so this lack of response on her part really seemed strange to me. I looked at his letter carefully and right away I saw that if she used an on-line translator what he wrote probably sounded pretty bad and would freak her out. I was able to salvage that situation by writing to her and explaining to her that she missunderstood what he wrote most likely and I provided the correct translation along with that. She did tell me that she didn't even know what to say to what he wrote the way she understood it...We had a good laugh and they started corresponding again.
Just today she wrote him a letter in Russian and emailed it directly to him. He put it through a e-translator and...got the translation that she was breaking up with him. Imagine how he felt!!!  :(  Luckily he sent it to me for translation and after he read what she actually wrote properly translated he felt a lot better! I have no idea how an e-translator translates "I'm really looking forward to seeing you in real life" to "I already have a sweetheart" but fact is that somehow it did.

Offline JeanClaude

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #44 on: June 08, 2010, 06:20:45 PM »
Ed - it is funny. ;D
Just goes to show, when two fluent or even native English speaking people can still have misunderstandings, how many more do you think are possible between two different native language speakers, especially when non fluent? :)
I'm working with a guy right now, American, who is talking to a beautiful girl in Siberia. We found out early on that she can write decent English and they decided to communicate without me translating. I believe after his second letter she stopped responding to him.
They were really connecting and seemed like they really liked each other so this lack of response on her part really seemed strange to me. I looked at his letter carefully and right away I saw that if she used an on-line translator what he wrote probably sounded pretty bad and would freak her out. I was able to salvage that situation by writing to her and explaining to her that she missunderstood what he wrote most likely and I provided the correct translation along with that. She did tell me that she didn't even know what to say to what he wrote the way she understood it...We had a good laugh and they started corresponding again.
Just today she wrote him a letter in Russian and emailed it directly to him. He put it through a e-translator and...got the translation that she was breaking up with him. Imagine how he felt!!!  :(  Luckily he sent it to me for translation and after he read what she actually wrote properly translated he felt a lot better! I have no idea how an e-translator translates "I'm really looking forward to seeing you in real life" to "I already have a sweetheart" but fact is that somehow it did.

This is scary!  If I decide to do Russia , I will certainly consider you Ed.
a day not trolled is a day not lived

Offline WestCoast

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #45 on: June 08, 2010, 06:59:38 PM »
Ed - it is funny. ;D
Just goes to show, when two fluent or even native English speaking people can still have misunderstandings, how many more do you think are possible between two different native language speakers, especially when non fluent? :)
I'm working with a guy right now, American, who is talking to a beautiful girl in Siberia. We found out early on that she can write decent English and they decided to communicate without me translating. I believe after his second letter she stopped responding to him.
They were really connecting and seemed like they really liked each other so this lack of response on her part really seemed strange to me. I looked at his letter carefully and right away I saw that if she used an on-line translator what he wrote probably sounded pretty bad and would freak her out. I was able to salvage that situation by writing to her and explaining to her that she missunderstood what he wrote most likely and I provided the correct translation along with that. She did tell me that she didn't even know what to say to what he wrote the way she understood it...We had a good laugh and they started corresponding again.
Just today she wrote him a letter in Russian and emailed it directly to him. He put it through a e-translator and...got the translation that she was breaking up with him. Imagine how he felt!!!  :(  Luckily he sent it to me for translation and after he read what she actually wrote properly translated he felt a lot better! I have no idea how an e-translator translates "I'm really looking forward to seeing you in real life" to "I already have a sweetheart" but fact is that somehow it did.

Ed I'm sure you're highly qualified and do a great job. I was wondering if you advise your clients to start learning Russian as soon as possible.  Even if the Russian woman being pursued by your client speaks English she will want to speak Russian at home when married and will probably want to teach her children her language.   Plus the husband will be able to understand his MIL which from my personal experience, with my former Chinese MIL, is always highly advisable.  
andrewfi says ''Proximity is almost no guarantee of authority" and "in many cases, distance gives a better picture with less emotional and subjective input."

That means I'm a subject matter expert on all things Russia, Ukraine and UK.

Offline Eduard

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #46 on: June 08, 2010, 07:51:36 PM »
sure I advise them to learn as much Russian as they can. But the reality is that it's a very complicated language and IMO they are doing good if by the time we travel they can say "hello, how are you? you are very beautiful" and a few other simple things enough to put a smile on their girl's face. It's always a good start IMO. But to get to the point of some level of fluency will take years if not decades. So unless they are planning to relocate to Russia they can learn at their own pace and don't stress out over it.

Offline froid

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #47 on: June 08, 2010, 08:36:02 PM »
Quote
Plus the husband will be able to understand his MIL which from my personal experience, with my former Chinese MIL, is always highly advisable.

Hmmm...I am not sure about that.  Mila was chatting with her Mom online and it came up that mom was going to call her ex to "discuss" with him the issue of Kirill's visit and how he is out of town for part of it.  Including part about a plan to send him to a camp for some time with his friends since he was going to have less time with his father...and that he should pay.  I got the impression this was going to be a conversation from hell for the ex.  Mila and Mom both liked my next comment... "Man am I happy I don't have enough Russian for Mom to call ME like that".
Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you're going to say it sucks and we're all gonna leave and then we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. <-Same goes for forums!

Offline WestCoast

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #48 on: June 08, 2010, 09:02:55 PM »
Quote
Plus the husband will be able to understand his MIL which from my personal experience, with my former Chinese MIL, is always highly advisable.

Hmmm...I am not sure about that.  Mila was chatting with her Mom online and it came up that mom was going to call her ex to "discuss" with him the issue of Kirill's visit and how he is out of town for part of it.  Including part about a plan to send him to a camp for some time with his friends since he was going to have less time with his father...and that he should pay.  I got the impression this was going to be a conversation from hell for the ex.  Mila and Mom both liked my next comment... "Man am I happy I don't have enough Russian for Mom to call ME like that".

Froid I've always been glad that I understand Mandarin.  My ex's mother doesn't speak English and when she commented about me while I've been within earshot I've at least known where I stood with her.  My ex didn't have to translate and soften her mother's words which definitely weren't family friendly.   :laugh:   
andrewfi says ''Proximity is almost no guarantee of authority" and "in many cases, distance gives a better picture with less emotional and subjective input."

That means I'm a subject matter expert on all things Russia, Ukraine and UK.

Offline froid

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Re: Good jokes are good in English and in Russian
« Reply #49 on: June 09, 2010, 09:12:53 AM »
Yes if you are in that situation I can see it being a good heads up.  Actually I suspect that if my brother had understood Mandarin he might have been spared some pain in his engagement with a girl from a Chinese family. 

For me though...since I am awesome...Mila doesn't have to soften anything she hears from MIL.  Even the more harsh comments I know aren't meant as harm...it's just her nature.  If I ever get some real spare time...I will take some Russian courses to get a real start in Russian.  I do agree that having the language is more help than harm. :)

Look, we're gonna spend half the night driving around the Hills looking for this one party and you're going to say it sucks and we're all gonna leave and then we're gonna go look for this other party. But all the parties and all the bars, they all suck. <-Same goes for forums!