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Author Topic: How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating  (Read 70567 times)

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Offline mendeleyev

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How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« on: July 30, 2008, 09:50:50 AM »
How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating:

I've written often that the Western idea of courtship and Dating is very different from what most Russian ladies and their familes practice in pursuit of marriage.  In fact, in many cases "dating" as understood in the West is really non-existent in the East.

To my mind, men would fare much better if they dropped many "dating" preconceptions and studied/practiced more about courtship and adapted that to the shorter time frames necessary for an international marriage.  That term by the way, is much more accurate that "mail order bride" because if you marry, the challenges and joys which await you will be from the result of an "international marriage."

So how do Russian women see this process:

- Power.  A Russian woman knows that she is a woman and is very proud of that.  It is her strength.  She is not weak in being a woman.  It is her power. 

- This gives her the right to have certain expectations in how a man approaches and views her.  It will guide how he must treat her and her parents.

- She will allure, but not pursue.  She doesn't need to actively pursue a man.  She needs to be herself and the man with the plan of action to win her heart.....will win her heart.

- Men can't be shy or they will lose.  She is looking for boldness and confidence.  Don't confuse this with bravado or brash overconfidence.  Think of cool and calm confidence and determination.

- Most (the kind you want to marry) don’t initiate phone calls nor ask a man out for a "date."  If you can't muster up enough nerve to do this she will wonder what else in life you will be afraid to face.

- She will spend a large amount of time and resources looking her absolute best.  She expects you to take notice and take action.  Those who hesitate will go thru life without a princess.

- Speaking of "princess", her Papa treats her like one and has taught her that she must select only a man who will do the same.  Don't mistake this with spending money or buying her things.  She is not for sale.  She wants to be treated with honour and respect on the ordinary days, not just when courting or on holidays.  Can you make her FEEL (has nothing to do with $) like she is on holiday on ordinary days?

-  You must have the attitude that she is the only woman in existence (just ask any married guy!).  But you need to understand what this means and how it came about:  In recent (very recent) times a young man would flirt with a girl and at some point she would suggest to him that he should visit her parents.  The young man would ask Papa (sometimes via an older representative) for permission to court this young lady.  If Papa (and Mama) said yes, then a period of time began where he would spend a lot of time with her in full view of her family (home visits, walks in the park, church, going with them to the market, etc).

Over time Papa and the young man would begin to talk about life and how it will look in the future.  Advantage young man:  If he stays the course over time, and the girl and her family like him, he will win the girl with no outside competition.  Done deal.  Why so easy?  Because Papa and the lady had agreed that this would be the only young man in consideration until he was eliminated as a possibility or until the wedding. 

Her mindset during courtship is that she is the only woman in your world.

That should clue you in to how most of these ladies view a "plan B."

Is this really done in Russia today?  Sure, it's not universal (nothing is), but not only is it how I was coached to win my wife, but it's being practiced today as we speak with two of our three daughters, of which the oldest (age 26) will be married in an Orthodox ceremony in less than 3 weeks.  And we are not alone.


- She will test you, but don't mistake that as desire for a "sugar daddy."  She tests to guage your determination and sincerity.  In a courtship model she has the right to reject (as can Papa/Mama) a suitor at any time and move on to someone deemed more appropiate or more serious. 

Note:  She will test you in many ways but never using another guy as the test.  If a woman were to use another guy to test you, run like crazy.  She is the one not being serious.


- Have you ever heard the expression that she is looking for a REAL man or for a REAL meeting.  Once you have indicated a desire to court her, you need to be in a position to move forward.  Don't appear to her as if you are "fishing" because that is not what courtship is about.  You need to understand that courtship in itself is a sign of committment.  Either you want her in your life or you don't (far, far different from our Western concept of using "dating" to test compability!).


- In fact she looking more for CHARACTER than for compability.  Life changes people's habits and circumstances (compability) but character and the ability to maintain stability and focus thru those changes does not change.  In investment lingo, she is a "long term investor."


- This has very little to do with sexual attraction.  That is why she will reserve the right to court a man not as "handsome" as others.  Of course she wants someone she can look at with respect and not be repulsed, but you don't have to be a "Don Juan" to win her heart.  You need to be capable, determined and sincere.


- Maintaining her composure at all costs means everything to a Russian Woman so your job is to give them that opportunity.  It means walking on the outside of the sidewalk to protect her from traffic, offering your arm as she steps off the bus, opening doors, help her with a chair, taking her coat, etc.  If you are not a social gentleman, you may not get very far with a RW.


- Family is very important to her final decision.  Don't ever make the mistake of underestimating this power.  If you have courted her mother and father, invested time in her extended family, and gained the respect of her friends, you can almost assume that her heart will follow you.  Its the safest bet one can make with a Russian lady.

Offline FootballDad

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How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #1 on: July 30, 2008, 11:49:08 AM »
Thanks for the Courting segment, Mendeleyev ... this might be the single most important thing I have read on any RW board!!!
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Offline anjutka

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How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #2 on: July 30, 2008, 03:31:16 PM »
How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating:
.................

So how do Russian women see this process:
...............


super! very correct )))))) should I print it out, translate and fix at the wall in office or  in my apartment at the kitchen?))))))))))) :chuckle: or  at the first date give always as instrustion?))))))  :reading: :knit: ;D
1 Life is not rehearsal... 2 sorry for my english;-)) 3 Thinking only always positive way=be healthy and happy))))) 4yes, and I am 41 yo ;-))))))))))))) 5 In life there are no rules!!! 6 but he should not be older 45 yo )))) 7...? ;-)


Offline FootballDad

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How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2008, 04:05:02 PM »
Anjutka,

I think the idea of giving them out to your dates is a very progressive idea! 

Pretty soon, you will be Americanized before you even move here (or marry here).....
Go Seahawks!!! Go Vandals!!!

Offline BelleZeBoob

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How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2008, 08:56:26 PM »
[u
- This has very little to do with sexual attraction.  That is why she will reserve the right to court a man not as "handsome" as others.  Of course she wants someone she can look at with respect and not be repulsed, but you don't have to be a "Don Juan" to win her heart.  You need to be capable, determined and sincere.

 

Mendeleyev, you have posted an interesting passage indeed. Especially with the quoted words, you probably make the hearts of Western men sing, giving hope to the less attractive ones.

 Your post could be a good advertising for an agency. This would be exactly why WM from the whole world pursue FSUW. You just described an ideal attitude of a traditional woman. :)
Men are like Bluetooth: he is connected to you when you are nearby, but searches for other devices when you are away.
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Offline mendeleyev

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How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2008, 09:20:02 PM »
Thanks BelleZeBoob!   :)  While I appreciate your comments, in general I'm not a big fan (with a few exceptions) of marriage agencies so I almost had a heart attack when you mentioned it would be good agency advertising! And if men read only that one line, it would be a misrepresentation of what a RW is truly all about.

That notwithstanding, there is truth in that statement when in context with all the other points.  All one has to do is look at my wife and I to quickly know that I am outclassed in every way, and especially in appearance.

Belle, she did not like me at first!  She only "hung around" at the beginning because it was part of her job at the time to teach the new American how to ride the bus, buy a ticket for the Metro, use a pay telephone, etc.  When the "job" was over she was ready to forget about me but I had other ideas.  I also had an ace up my sleeve, my assistant Oksana at Radio Mayak, who took pity and said that if I really wanted to learn about traditional courtship she'd teach me--but I'd have to set aside certain western preconceptions and follow directions.  I'll always owe a great debt of gratitude to Oksana for the happiness in my life today.  :loving:

Offline mendeleyev

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How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2008, 09:37:41 PM »
Quote
super! very correct )))))) should I print it out, translate and fix at the wall in office or  in my apartment at the kitchen?)))))))))))  or  at the first date give always as instrustion?))))))

Anjutka, great idea!  I think you should print it and have each man sign it.  In fact, make them take the document to a notary and have it stamped before you will spend any time together!   8)



Football Dad, I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Offline blucatz

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How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #7 on: July 30, 2008, 09:44:56 PM »
Anjutka,

I think the idea of giving them out to your dates is a very progressive idea! 

Pretty soon, you will be Americanized before you even move here (or marry here).....


I hope not, if she gets Americanized, as you put it, then she will be like the women here.  Who wants that?  I want my GF to stay exactly the way she is now.
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Online andrewfi

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Re: How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #8 on: July 31, 2008, 02:16:06 AM »
Hmmm....
As BelleZeBoob noted this could be the cliche decsription of the 'traditional woman' for all that it ACTUALLY means in real life as lived by real people.
That is not to say that no two consecutive words in the post made no sense or were 'incorrect', but I really do not think that as a whole the words are entirely relevant to how things are in real life. That noted, I am sure that many women can dissemble to fit an image projected upon them by men with a fixed mental image.
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Offline mobyone

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Re: How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #9 on: July 31, 2008, 03:05:41 AM »
A cracking post.. you put in words what I've been trying to say in 100's of posts ..

If you are a guy that likes what Medeleyev wrote, and are looking for a woman that has these values, you should be successful  ;)


Offline Boris

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Re: How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #10 on: July 31, 2008, 04:39:35 AM »
A cracking post.. you put in words what I've been trying to say in 100's of posts ..

If you are a guy that likes what Medeleyev wrote, and are looking for a woman that has these values, you should be successful  ;)



Agree 100% msmoby_ru. Of course people will differ a little in the particulars but I found Mendy's words it to be "spot on." I think it may have undervalued chemistry a little bit. I think it does hold some importance for the women.

Offline Manny

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Re: How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #11 on: July 31, 2008, 11:08:08 AM »
I thought it was a splendid post also. I suggested to Mendy we split it off from within the "How Russians Think" topic where it was. I think it makes a superb sticky for this room.

Mendy has penned the situation as many of us know/believe it to be, but he has articulated it in a very good way I thought.
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Offline Voyager

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Re: How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #12 on: July 31, 2008, 12:06:55 PM »


Her mindset during courtship is that she is the only woman in your world.

That should clue you in to how most of these ladies view a "plan B."


are you talking about a "Plan B"  BEFORE or AFTER your meeting her?

My understanding is that after a man meets her and decides to persue her, the "Plan B" is discarded?

Offline Bobalouie

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Re: How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #13 on: July 31, 2008, 12:20:39 PM »


Her mindset during courtship is that she is the only woman in your world.

That should clue you in to how most of these ladies view a "plan B."


are you talking about a "Plan B"  BEFORE or AFTER your meeting her?

My understanding is that after a man meets her and decides to persue her, the "Plan B" is discarded?

He is saying that in order to be successful, she should be the only woman in your world.  Basically, if you have a plan B, She is not the only woman in your world, and she will not be happy in that knowledge.
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Offline Manny

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Re: How Russian women view COURTSHIP and Dating
« Reply #14 on: July 31, 2008, 01:06:51 PM »
I have always been of the opinion that courtship begins after meeting. Before a physical meeting she is only a penpal and telephone buddy. Having met her and assuming it went well, you would not invoke your plan B. Or perhaps the one you begin to court is your plan B.

So at the point courtship commences, she is the only woman in your world.

Even so, making it known there is a plan B during pre meeting correspondence, will usually get your ass kicked to the kerb.
please tell me where I'm being / have been 'dishonest'? 
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