FootballDad's Trip Report - Summer 2008

[FootballDad]

I thank RUA for allowing me to put my experience here for everyone to read.

I will close my notes with this and will be my final post on this thread unless something goes sideways with my UW.....
... but that is like predicting the weather at Lake Tahoe..........

[sydneyvontrapp]

I thank RUA for allowing me to put my experience here for everyone to read.

I will close my notes with this and will be my final post on this thread unless something goes sideways with my UW.....
... but that is like predicting the weather at Lake Tahoe..........

Welcome to the world of LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS!!  You can't see their smiles when they're happy.  You can't hug them or  console them when they've had a bad day. If you finally get to the point of doing a K-1; you are NO HELP for the stress she will feel.  Every step of getting your paperwork done seems to drag on.  I hope you do make your 2nd trip to visit N.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  If you continue to be serious; you might want to  have her daughter start taking English lessons. My step daughter was just starting school so she doesn't have a ton of adjustments to make.  By the time L. moves here ( if things should work out for you ) she could be ready to be a freshman in High School.  ( or 8th grade if you decide to proceed after your next visit ).  I love trip reports.  I know we all don't find the right one.  Some people aren't meant to be married.  Maybe on your next trip you'll meet her daughter and the rest of her family!   Best of Luck!!

Dave M.

[anjutka]

You can't see their smiles when they're happy.  You can't hug them or  console them when they've had a bad day.

help if they will use skype and camera they will see smiles each other,can support each other in bad mood also : well,thats not exactly what you mean,but this is something which by some reasons people  who have long distance relationship dont use active : just wanted to remain about  it

good luck!

[Manny]

I have only just read the final notes on this topic. It has been in my "unread" list for a couple of weeks while we were away, etc.

I am seeing one or two things that would concern me FBD, I wonder how has it been since?

[FootballDad]

I am seeing one or two things that would concern me FBD, I wonder how has it been since?

Manny, 

Well, it has definitely been "bumpy" and exasperating to say the least.  Our communication is slowing and although I know that she is busy coming off her "holiday" and just got home from her final "holiday" trip she returned from Ivano-Fransk.. (to see family) last week and getting ready for work to start back up next week, I am not very happy with the level of what I am percieving her excitement to be.

Before our trip, we would either communicate by phone, email, skype, or text at least every two days and since, our average is about every 4 days.  Now I know that she is not at work until next Monday and her access to computer is nil (none at home) and this was a major form of her communication thru email or skype, at least in contacting me, because my phone rates are much lower than hers, but I bought her a card to use when in Kiev, but she has not called me once on it.  The biggest issue is not seemingly getting any reciprocation from her in any real efforts to communicate back.  If I held my breath for a week, I would still have to make the (again) first contact now.

I called her this morning (her evening) and we spoke for only about 15 minutes.  She had just arrived home from a "birthday party", so I think she was a little inebriated.  But about the time I wanted to get down to discussing "us", she made an excuse to get off the phone and asked me to call "in a few days".  Again, experience tells me that I might be trying to oar upstream and I need to probably take a hint, but the businessman and athlete that I am, keeps me from stepping away from this "growing challenge".   

I pretty much have decided that I will await for her to go back to work and see if her email & skype communication comes back the way it was.  She is much more "personable" and "loving" on these two forms of contact than she normally is on the phone.  I think that if by late next week I cannot get her to talk about "us", then I will probably be ready to walk away.  The last time we talked about us was 3 weeks ago and I have had no hint of when she wants me to revisit, except for when we discussed upon my departure last month.

I am sure that I will get some great advice and I will be open to anything said or discussed.
 

[alenika]

This all doesn't sound that good I mean... it doesn't look she see you as a couple.

[Wild Orchid]

And don't hold your breath waiting for her to say "I'm Sorry" or "I was wrong", you will probably die before hearing those words.....LOL

from how many FSU women were you expecting those words?

[sydneyvontrapp]

We know that not every story has a happy ending.  See how she reacts when she has better access to a computer.  Go with your gut feeling.  Don't continue chasing this woman; only because the of the time you've already invested. If she comes around and can show you she is still interested; great!!  It did sound like you two got along well.  If she stays distant and can't make time for you...cut your losses.


Dave M.

[ECR844]

I agree with "sydney's" statemnet above. Communication is key, and if she has genuine feelings for you she should at this stage if she has genuine feelings be communicating them. If a RW has strong feelings on any subject you will know what they are.

[blucatz]

And don't hold your breath waiting for her to say "I'm Sorry" or "I was wrong", you will probably die before hearing those words.....LOL

from how many FSU women were you expecting those words?

I personally was only expecting them from one.  But, I know quite a few RW here and they will not say those words, and their husbands and BF will confirm this.  They say that their RW will never admit they were wrong or say they are sorry.

[Boris]

FD,

You know personalities differ for each woman but I have to agree with Alenika and SVT. FD, this isn't your first time around the block and I think you already have a feel for what is happening. It's not easy when you give attention and it is not returned at the same level.

What would you tell your kids to do when you coached? You pick your butt up and get back in the game. You gave it your best shot and that is all you can ask of yourself.

Barry

[Wild Orchid]

I personally was only expecting them from one.  But, I know quite a few RW here and they will not say those words, and their husbands and BF will confirm this.  They say that their RW will never admit they were wrong or say they are sorry.

It doesn't give you the right to talk that way about ALL RW. I have no problems with saying sorry and I know many other women who are ready to admit their fault or apologise for something.

I noticed that many WM are guilty of generalisation, but I wouldn't dare to say that all of them are like that.

[Boris]

Also, FD. I want to thank you for putting your experiences here for us to read. It's not easy--especially when things don't go as you thought they would....Barry

[blucatz]

I personally was only expecting them from one.  But, I know quite a few RW here and they will not say those words, and their husbands and BF will confirm this.  They say that their RW will never admit they were wrong or say they are sorry.

It doesn't give you the right to talk that way about ALL RW. I have no problems with saying sorry and I know many other women who are ready to admit their fault or apologise for something.

I noticed that many WM are guilty of generalisation, but I wouldn't dare to say that all of them are like that.

Maybe I should rephrase it to say that all RW that I know personally then.  It also seems to be the consensus of the men here in reference to their own wife/GF's.  I can only go by what I personally see and hear.

[FootballDad]

Thank you for those that have given feedback on my dilemma. 

Although I am dissapointed recently in "N"s communication and have gained some negative feelings, I have resigned myself not to call her back (as she asked "in a few days") and give one week to see if she contacts me.  Even when I was busy this Spring & Summer (before our "vacation" together), she would not let more than 3 days go by without at least sending an email from work.  I think one week is fair to give the relationship, especially since I cannot even being to (perceive to) "read" this woman like I can 98% of AW and the "time, efforts and all" that we both put into this. 

What bugs me the worst is that I did not recieve one hint that she did not want to be a couple during or before the vacation ... only that with her work & school situation being as it is, she would not be able to come to the US at the earliest, next Spring, so we both understood this and maybe that is why she is (maybe) just slowing this down some .....

  :

[Manny]

I have resigned myself not to call her back (as she asked "in a few days") and give one week to see if she contacts me. 

I think thats best FD. You have chased her enough already; enough to demonstrate your intent adequately. If you chase her more now, you will be chasing her forever. The axis needs to swing your way somewhat.

Give it a fortnight, if she has not contacted you by then, write it off to experience. You had a fun time over there. Next time you would recognise the same signs in another women.

I agree with BJSlutz [sic] that it takes considerable testicular fortitude to share what you have done. 

[Boris]

I have resigned myself not to call her back (as she asked "in a few days") and give one week to see if she contacts me. 

I think thats best FD. You have chased her enough already; enough to demonstrate your intent adequately. If you chase her more now, you will be chasing her forever. The axis needs to swing your way somewhat.

Give it a fortnight, if she has not contacted you by then, write it off to experience. You had a fun time over there. Next time you would recognise the same signs in another women.

I agree with BJSlutz [sic] that it takes considerable testicular fortitude to share what you have done. 

What did I do to you Mammary (sic)?

[Manny]

I got it from Donhollio, it made me chuckle. 

[Boris]

I got it from Donhollio, it made me chuckle. 

Like being back in the schoolyard in 3rd grade. Let's go!

[ECR844]

FD,

  You've done your part. As hard as it maybe, move on, and give your affections to a woman who will return them and who is ready to be serious with you.

[mendeleyev]

FBD, along with others who have expressed the same, thanks for sharing your experiences. 

It could be that while she likes you, she may not see how the two of you can realistically be a 'couple.'  That could be the result of any number of things and we simply don't know what it is that hinders her.  One of the worst things you could do is to try to force something which has no hope of success.

Like Manny, I also noticed some 'red flags' when reading of the initial trip but often those can be explained.  It's tough on you because you have traveled in good faith, made considerable investment of time/money in the prior communications and the trip, and you have remained focused on the goal at hand.

If you can allow me to speak for a moment using investment language, part of accomplishing an international marriage is the idea of 'due diligence' and like an investment, sometimes due diligence reveals something that convinces one to cut losses and refocus the strategy.  It's so true that a human relationship is so much more important than a financial investment, but that is another reason why a man and woman must do some 'due diligence' prior to an international marriage--because it is so important.

Today, while understandably hurt and frustrated, you've crossed over from the ranks of first time novice to experienced suitor.  Your next attempts will benefit from the lessons you've learned from this trip. 

You are a professional in life and know how to refocus the goal for the next time around.  Take those things you already know and allow your instincts to guide you forward.  We wish you much success!

[FootballDad]

Well, FSU Fans ......

I received the dreaded Dear John letter last night:
    --> she couldn't tell me by phone because "to say about it you straight does not allow by my education" and "in our consuetudes and culture there are
          a lot of distinction, I can not therefore, as you, to speak about all opened", so I received the news by email ... very different than before our trip.
    --> she states that "I felt chemistry at our first meeting and on our trip together", but then, after two sentences or two she says "but after had the
          heap of time since our leaving, to bethink of our relations. I tried to weigh all nuances. I searched all pluss and minuses. you are an indeed good
          man. But I think that between you and me there is no chemistry anymore.
    --> then, without much salutation, she ends it with this: "I came to conclusion, that our relations can not have continuation...."

Well, I knew deep down the writing was on the wall, but I expected her to be more personable about her message to me and how she would deliver it (if it came to this).  I truly think that she cares for me and there is (some) chemistry, but I think that the idea of moving to the US and starting a new life, especially as she is just finishing her doctorate level schooling and getting ready for a new career, was too much for her ... as well as her transplanting her daughter.  Not sure, but that is my guess.

TIME TO MOVE ON!!!
Barry, I will take your advice (thank you for reminding this old broken down "Mike" (MLB)

"You pick your butt up and get back in the game. You gave it your best shot and that is all you can ask of yourself."

...... "NEXT!!!"....

[blucatz]

That just totally Sux

[alenika]

Pity to hear this FD. I am sure you'll find the woman who will be happy to spend life together with you and with whom youll be happy.

[Manny]

Sorry to hear it FB. But as you said, life goes on. Better to find out now. Other opportunities await you.