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Author Topic: Revisiting the past, to find my future.  (Read 517 times)

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Online Tom Cat

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Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« on: October 26, 2019, 09:53:14 AM »
It's probably best to give a little bit of the history,  before the questions begin.
Back in  2007 or 2008 , I met a wonderful lady on the  Anastasia dating site. 

Most won't recommend a pay for play site, but occasionally one can find a keeper.
After a couple months of communicating, I  went to Ukraine for the first meeting.
We spent a couple days in Odessa,  then we headed to her home in another city where I met her young son and stayed the remainder of the visit with her and the boy in her apartment.
It was a great 10 days, as we all got along, giving the impression that there very well could be a future together.
The only thing missing was intimacy.  She was very difficult to read, and I didn't want to have an awkward situation being I was staying in her apartment.

It was not clear how she really felt about me  until the bus ride to the airport. During the ride she got very quiet and her eye teared up. Was that moment I understood her feelings for me.
Was during our goodbyes at the airport she gave me a long hug and kiss.
It is then I knew this might be the beginning of something worth while.
After several more visits to Ukraine, the time came for her and her young son to come to the United states on a K1 Visa.
The relationship progressed nicely except her young son was not adapting to his new life.
We both decided it was in the best interests of the child that we would part.
We stayed in contact for a short time after they returned to Ukraine,  but without a real prospect of a life together our communications ended.

Now to present time,  and a possible new beginning.
Thanks to Steveboy, and his  generous offer to membership on his Ukraine dating site,  much to my surprise I received a message from my lost love.
The question I have now is,  do I leave the past behind,  or try to renew the relationship once again?
I would appreciate all thoughts on this.
Thanks.

Don't shoot the messenger, links to articles posted, don't necessarily reflect my personal opinion.

Online NS1

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #1 on: October 26, 2019, 11:02:23 AM »
Interesting after all these years, she was looking still or again as you were.
How old is her son now? would he stay or come and if come could he or would he adjust?
Were there any other issues last time with her adjusting or family?

Equally important, with the time you spent last time, how good was it?
What were the issues if any? Most of this is rhetorical.
IMO questions you should be asking yourself.

There is nothing permanent except change.

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2019, 11:32:52 AM »
If the son is in his teens and willing to go his own way without "mamu" , I would try to re-new the relationship.

Also , the son might be able to better understand life in the USA now that he's older.

I'd say nothing ventured nothing gainaed.
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Offline Gipsy

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #3 on: October 26, 2019, 12:02:42 PM »
Maybe best to just leave the past where it is
Bridge is a lot like sex, either you need a good partner, or a decent hand... Woody Allen

Online andrewfi

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #4 on: October 26, 2019, 02:45:09 PM »
What've you got to lose?

Give it a go but don't waste too much time on it.
...everything ends always well; if it’s still bad, then it’s not the end!

Online justadude

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #5 on: October 26, 2019, 05:13:21 PM »
Hey Tom, glad to see your post. You and I have talked multiple times on the phone about this woman. Every time I sensed in your voice that you really had a connection with this woman. Also, as her son is much older now, maybe that's not as big of a factor. I agree with the "nothing ventured nothing gained" idea. I wish you the best whatever you decide!

PS: Why don't you meet her in Odessa around Christmas? We can go on a double date (assuming I can find one):)

Online Tom Cat

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #6 on: October 26, 2019, 05:25:15 PM »
Interesting after all these years, she was looking still or again as you were.
How old is her son now? would he stay or come and if come could he or would he adjust?
Were there any other issues last time with her adjusting or family?

Equally important, with the time you spent last time, how good was it?
What were the issues if any? Most of this is rhetorical.
IMO questions you should be asking yourself.





Her son if I  recall correctly would be 18 years by now.
I'm thinking this is why she is now again looking for a relationship with the possibly of relocating.
We got along great with the occasional misunderstanding due to mostly English words with different meanings  all in all we had a good time together.
The one problem I  see that might be an issue is my employment.  Previously I was self employed and had the ability to devote more time for family.
Now work takes up most of my time except for weekends.
She does not drive and I don't live near a bus route,  so I'm not sure she would that many hours of solitude  .
Don't shoot the messenger, links to articles posted, don't necessarily reflect my personal opinion.

Online Guile

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #7 on: October 26, 2019, 06:22:18 PM »
Are you planning to meet her in Ukraine or fly her to the USA?  I'd say why not.

Offline AvHdB

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #8 on: October 26, 2019, 07:25:06 PM »
Top Cat,

If there is a second chance than I say seize it. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

My opinion meet her in Ukraine sooner rather than latter. Thanksgiving might give you a window to travel. There is one issue that you perhaps need to discover how will 'Miss Anastasia' feel about being separated from her son if plans develop in the hoped for direction. Another question I wonder are her parents still alive? These are bridges you need to cross but I would do this in person.

As a suggestion if you wish to go ahead let her get a Ukraine drivers liscense and than in America get her further lessons with a so-called beater.
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #9 on: October 26, 2019, 07:31:59 PM »

The question I have now is,  do I leave the past behind,  or try to renew the relationship once again?
I would appreciate all thoughts on this.
Thanks.

If you got options, move towards the future. If you have no options, you may consider leftovers from the past. I find a child not adapting to the culture a weak excuse to break up a relationship. Since a child not adapting to America was enough to break your relationship, you two never had a strong enough love and bond. You can friend zone her.


Online Tom Cat

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #10 on: October 26, 2019, 07:37:07 PM »
Are you planning to meet her in Ukraine or fly her to the USA?  I'd say why not.



I'm still deciding whether to proceed or not?
I did write her this evening but was mainly about events that took place since she was here so many years ago.
If there is a mutual interest to give this another try,  I think she would have a pretty good chance of obtaining a Visa to come to the United states being she did not over stay the K1.
My traveling to Ukraine really would do little for the relationship as the deciding factor would be on how well she would like living here.
If she would decide that living with me in the United states is what she wants,  then of course I would travel to Ukraine,  as she cannot be in the United states during the  long K1 process,  and it will be helpful in establishing the relationship for the K1 if I visited her in Ukraine and have photos and travel records.
Don't shoot the messenger, links to articles posted, don't necessarily reflect my personal opinion.

Online Tom Cat

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #11 on: October 26, 2019, 08:17:09 PM »

The question I have now is,  do I leave the past behind,  or try to renew the relationship once again?
I would appreciate all thoughts on this.
Thanks.

If you got options, move towards the future. If you have no options, you may consider leftovers from the past. I find a child not adapting to the culture a weak excuse to break up a relationship. Since a child not adapting to America was enough to break your relationship, you two never had a strong enough love and bond. You can friend zone her.





There's plenty of options when looking for women over 40 in Ukraine or Russia.
Maybe you didn't date any women with children from eastern Europe,  so you might not understand the mentality of a mother from there.
The decision to part was heartbreaking for both of us.
I can't and won't give details out of respect for her and her son,  but had I not had 2 young daughters living here in the states with me, most likely I would have opted to live in Ukraine with her.
Being a parent sometimes means you have to put your life on hold

Between my time in Ukraine and her time in the states we had a total of over six months living together,  so there's some history there and a mutual bond.
Until now I have never considered renewing a relationship with any women from my past,  so this is a first,  and is why I welcome all opinions.
Don't shoot the messenger, links to articles posted, don't necessarily reflect my personal opinion.

Online Guile

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #12 on: October 26, 2019, 09:03:52 PM »
How long ago was it since you talked to her?  Some ex's I never talked to again, some I am still friends with.  Only you know how strong the relationship was and if you still have feelings for her.  If she messaged you first then she is interested in starting up something.

Online BillyB

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #13 on: October 26, 2019, 10:46:13 PM »
Maybe you didn't date any women with children from eastern Europe,  so you might not understand the mentality of a mother from there.
The decision to part was heartbreaking for both of us.
I can't and won't give details out of respect for her and her son,  but had I not had 2 young daughters living here in the states with me, most likely I would have opted to live in Ukraine with her.
Being a parent sometimes means you have to put your life on hold


I've dated dozens of FSU women. Kids are going to lash out when they move and leave their friends behind. It's no big deal and kids will adapt. Plenty of kids from other nations come to America and adapt, even if they have zero English.

I went to 4 different high schools in 4 years. My dad was in the military. I told my parents I didn't like it losing my friends. Now I'm glad I got to travel the world and all over America. I look back and it was a great experience. My grandfather travelled all over too. My dad went to 4 different highs schools in his senior year. My uncle told me you don't make friends because you don't know if you'll see them the next day. My grandmother never kept the kids behind for their benefit. They travelled wherever my grandfather found work. It's for the benefit of the family. There should be benefit for the kids moving to a better life. If you asked a woman and her kid to move to a worse life, I can understand why she wants to take the kid out of that environment.

This issue isn't just about kids. It's about your relationship with the woman and although you say there was a bond, it wasn't strong enough.

You signed up on a dating site and she contacted you first. When she figured she wanted to find a foreign man to move to another country again, she didn't think of you first. She didn't want to revisit the past. She wanted a new future with a different man. If I ever become a single man again, I know the girls I'll contact first. I'll even contact new girls. There are some girls I'm on the fence with. I'll only contact them when my favorites don't want me. Your ex fiancée is on the fence with you.

You want to explore another opportunity with her? If you do, make sure to communicate with many other women to give yourself more choices to choose from.

America allows a person to file a k-1 twice in their lifetime. After that you will need a waiver to file a third one. More things to think about.

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #14 on: October 26, 2019, 11:16:41 PM »
You two split up on good terms. Some regrets but no hard feelings. If you're both still looking then go for it. You already know what she's like so that puts you many steps ahead of trying to start over with someone new.
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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #15 on: October 27, 2019, 02:47:09 AM »
Tom Cat,

Only you know how you feel and felt, so it is impossible to give advice.

But good luck



Online Tom Cat

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #16 on: October 27, 2019, 06:37:38 AM »
How long ago was it since you talked to her?  Some ex's I never talked to again, some I am still friends with.  Only you know how strong the relationship was and if you still have feelings for her.  If she messaged you first then she is interested in starting up something.

It's been over 10 years since we had spoken.

She did contact me first,  but it dosen't show her what her intent is? It was just a hello from Ukraine message.  It's very possible she could have seen my photo without knowing who I was.
After all I have changed quite a bit over the last 10 years.
The longer  follow up to my reply she mentions nothing of missing me  or any  hints  so for now it's premature speculation.
Don't shoot the messenger, links to articles posted, don't necessarily reflect my personal opinion.

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #17 on: October 27, 2019, 07:14:27 AM »
Maybe you didn't date any women with children from eastern Europe,  so you might not understand the mentality of a mother from there.
The decision to part was heartbreaking for both of us.
I can't and won't give details out of respect for her and her son,  but had I not had 2 young daughters living here in the states with me, most likely I would have opted to live in Ukraine with her.
Being a parent sometimes means you have to put your life on hold


I've dated dozens of FSU women. Kids are going to lash out when they move and leave their friends behind. It's no big deal and kids will adapt. Plenty of kids from other nations come to America and adapt, even if they have zero English.

I went to 4 different high schools in 4 years. My dad was in the military. I told my parents I didn't like it losing my friends. Now I'm glad I got to travel the world and all over America. I look back and it was a great experience. My grandfather travelled all over too. My dad went to 4 different highs schools in his senior year. My uncle told me you don't make friends because you don't know if you'll see them the next day. My grandmother never kept the kids behind for their benefit. They travelled wherever my grandfather found work. It's for the benefit of the family. There should be benefit for the kids moving to a better life. If you asked a woman and her kid to move to a worse life, I can understand why she wants to take the kid out of that environment.

This issue isn't just about kids. It's about your relationship with the woman and although you say there was a bond, it wasn't strong enough.

You signed up on a dating site and she contacted you first. When she figured she wanted to find a foreign man to move to another country again, she didn't think of you first. She didn't want to revisit the past. She wanted a new future with a different man. If I ever become a single man again, I know the girls I'll contact first. I'll even contact new girls. There are some girls I'm on the fence with. I'll only contact them when my favorites don't want me. Your ex fiancée is on the fence with you.

You want to explore another opportunity with her? If you do, make sure to communicate with many other women to give yourself more choices to choose from.

America allows a person to file a k-1 twice in their lifetime. After that you will need a waiver to file a third one. More things to think about.



Thanks Billy
This is the kind of feedback that I need to hear also.
As for her reasons for being on a dating site before contacting me,  much can be assumed.
Keep in mind since her  and I parted I  dated a few Russian women and married only to end up a widower.
It's possible she might have seen wedding photos on  Facebook  or Instagram?
But yes it is a valid question to think about.
And  too it's possible she  returned because she thought she could do better,  only to be much older and still looking,  making me a good option now.

The most difficult part is that,  she is a  very  genuine and good person, and very honest   she had little problems telling me exactly what was on her mind
What ever her  intentions are I'll probably know soon enough.
Don't shoot the messenger, links to articles posted, don't necessarily reflect my personal opinion.

Online BillyB

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #18 on: October 27, 2019, 08:58:07 AM »
The most difficult part is that,  she is a  very  genuine and good person, and very honest   she had little problems telling me exactly what was on her mind


Those are good qualities you'd want in a friend but for a wife, you need more. Is she into you physically and enjoys sex with you. You don't have to answer that here but it's something to think about.

Earlier you mentioned she's a good candidate to get a visa since she didn't overstay her k-1.  An applicant has to prove they have money and have strong ties to their country as motivation to return. An interviewer probably won't care what happened 10 years ago. Circumstances change in people's lives and applicants will be evaluated based on their current circumstances.

Online Guile

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #19 on: October 27, 2019, 10:31:03 AM »
So when she first messaged on you that site did she even realize it was you? 

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #20 on: October 27, 2019, 02:20:12 PM »
So when she first messaged on you that site did she even realize it was you?

She did contact me first,  but it dosen't show her what her intent is? It was just a hello from Ukraine message.  It's very possible she could have seen my photo without knowing who I was.
After all I have changed quite a bit over the last 10 years.
The longer  follow up to my reply she mentions nothing of missing me  or any  hints  so for now it's premature speculation.

Seems like she sent you a canned "Hello" like she does all the guys to get a conversation going. Probably didn't recognize or look at your photo. Her response to your reply had no mention of her missing you. If she isn't telling you that you two should get back together, she's keeping her options open. Don't put your life on hold. You should keep your options open too. She's the one that left you. She should do all the work to restart the relationship if later that becomes her intention.

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #21 on: October 28, 2019, 04:15:08 AM »
You're getting a lot of advice here when in reality we don't know if there was genuine interest when she got back in contact. It looks like you know that though. I say keep your options open but stay realistic. There are plenty benefits in rekindling an old relationship but a few drawbacks too.

People change over time so I'd catch up with her (if that's what you want to do) and see what's going on before overthinking it all. Good thread to start up though!

 :thumbsup:

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #22 on: October 28, 2019, 07:03:06 AM »
Thanks to Steveboy, and his  generous offer to membership on his Ukraine dating site,  much to my surprise I received a message from my lost love.
The question I have now is,  do I leave the past behind,  or try to renew the relationship once again?
I would appreciate all thoughts on this.
Thanks.

https://ukrainiandating.co/mens-journal/mature-ukrainian-brides 

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Online Guile

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #23 on: October 28, 2019, 11:14:12 AM »
The other thing too is if she's back on a dating site I'm sure many other guys have messaged her too.  So if you want to meet her act fast!

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Re: Revisiting the past, to find my future.
« Reply #24 on: October 28, 2019, 01:39:58 PM »
The other thing too is if she's back on a dating site I'm sure many other guys have messaged her too.  So if you want to meet her act fast!



No rush,  if she is interested in me fine.
If other men  contact or visit,  and she finds someone else,  then our parting years ago was a good outcome.
Don't shoot the messenger, links to articles posted, don't necessarily reflect my personal opinion.


 

 

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