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Author Topic: 10 days in Lvov with an angel  (Read 61090 times)

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Online Guile

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #525 on: January 06, 2019, 11:15:58 AM »
justdude at least you still got a sense of humor!

is her English improving btw or still language communication issues?

yeah what is puzzling is this girl is putting up with all of this. most woulda bailed. and if she is attractive she will have options. maybe you put a spell on her haha

Offline dcguyusa

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #526 on: January 07, 2019, 05:49:56 PM »
Quote
yeah what is puzzling is this girl is putting up with all of this. most woulda bailed.

Being a newcomer into this country, I don't think most foreigners will "fly the coop" that quickly.  As long as you don't have to pay the vacation costs during your stay here, no need to return back just yet.  You can get better acclimated to the surroundings should you return back in the future.  Of course, if you had another local contact that you had intended to run away with when you got here, then that is another story.
An uninformed opponent is a dangerous opponent.

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Online andrewfi

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #527 on: January 08, 2019, 01:52:13 AM »
Yes, the winning strategy in this sad case is to not walk out. Stay until the 'right time' which, for whatever reason, provides the greatest benefit to the abusee.

That, of course, assumes that the victim has not been so demoralised that she is unable to fend for herself.

Given what Justadude has told us of his past, and his effect upon his victims, this latter case should not be discounted as a possibility.
...everything ends always well; if it’s still bad, then it’s not the end!


Offline justadude

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #528 on: January 11, 2019, 10:14:18 PM »
justdude at least you still got a sense of humor!

is her English improving btw or still language communication issues?


Thanks I guess!

I don't think it is improving that much, but maybe that's because I'm living with her and I can't see the change.
two 90 day fiance visas, one 73 day fiance. Lived in Lvov and Odessa for 2 years. California native now on the Oregon Coast

Offline justadude

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #529 on: January 11, 2019, 10:16:35 PM »

That, of course, assumes that the victim has not been so demoralized that she is unable to fend for herself.


Although this is not something I would do intentionally, it is a concern of mine.
two 90 day fiance visas, one 73 day fiance. Lived in Lvov and Odessa for 2 years. California native now on the Oregon Coast

Online Guile

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #530 on: January 12, 2019, 03:53:02 PM »
so what's the situation with her now?

Online andrewfi

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #531 on: January 13, 2019, 01:13:04 PM »
How many hours a day does she sleep? How much weight has she lost?
...everything ends always well; if it’s still bad, then it’s not the end!

Online AvHdB

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #532 on: January 13, 2019, 01:58:34 PM »
If the image in Dude's avatar is his interest from Ukraine, there is little to loose weight wise on her side. Further few of us can resolve relationships in hours. Some posters only post weekly or monthly updates, this is not a NFL championship game.

Curious Dude, you are a teacher, how do you relate to your students? And more important how do your students relate to you as a teacher and perhaps mentor?
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Online Guile

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #533 on: January 14, 2019, 07:18:13 AM »
i dont think his profession as a teacher correlates to his relationship.

Online Guile

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #534 on: January 26, 2019, 03:00:35 PM »
i fear the worst. justdude give us an update please.

Offline justadude

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #535 on: February 02, 2019, 02:10:45 PM »
I'm crying in the jacuzzi right now by myself. She is upstairs sleeping. She had a somewhat routine yet not insignificant sickness. We went to an urgent care doctor, had some tests and got a prescription. This obviously didn't help her overall, but I think she is on the mend now. I think she has lost about 5-10 pounds since she arrived. She is down to about 110lbs now at 5'7". She needs to gain some weight and her and I both work on that. An obvious idea might be to eat some meat, but I don't think she would at this point even if I strongly encouraged it.

A week ago we went to see a bilingual Russian speaking couple's therapist. Notwithstanding any direct benefit to our relationship, I wanted her to be fully heard in her own language, and for her to hear my story translated by a neutral party. The guy was fantastic. I don't think he could have done any better. We discussed my apparent inability to attach and how difficult this thing has been for her. I think she felt more validated than what I could provide with through the language barrier.

Meanwhile, last night we talked seriously again. The end of the visa is looming, we have less than 25 days to go. She raised the question of whether or not we will be getting married or if she should be shopping for her plane tickets. God, I feel so terrible. I knew this question was coming. I thought I would delay it as much as possible. Let her be in control of how long she stays.

Although I knew the answer would be no marriage, over the weeks I would capture glimmers of hope as I wrestled with my own demons regarding my avoidant attachment style. I would daily ask myself if I could go through with this. Just do it, JAD, commit to this. Make her happy and in so doing make yourself happy. But the ever present cloud hanging over these rays of light was the high likely-hood that I would try to find a way to get out later, after I'm married and have signed the affidavit of support.

So here I am unable to choose what is by many indications something good for me. I look at her or at her picture and think "I could have that (this relationship with this woman). It is right here for the taking. All I have to do is reach out and take it." But I can't. I won't let myself.

Yet another reason to despise myself is that I unintentionally took away almost all of her ability to negotiate. She had no leg to stand on, that she could use to put her foot down. Things were so lopsided in terms of how much I wanted it vs. her from the get go, that she didn't even get the chance to be the best partner could be:(   How can you be a good partner if you have little to no agency?

Nevertheless, we/she did do some things. Drives, an overnight trip, a wood project with which she helped, she cooked a lot and I loved every bit (almost), dinner with a couple of my friends, a couple of trips to the cinema, my daughter coming to visit, bicycle rides in this beautiful mountain area, she rearranged some things in the house,  which she really liked but didn't do as much as I had hoped. She even had the job of cleaning the rental unit in between guest stays for pay.

She made her own decisions. She came and went as she pleased, staying gone for 3 days at a time on c couple of occasions (which she later confirmed was because she needed to get away:(

When we would discuss ending the relationship she would say I don't like her and that I don't care for her. It's not true and last night maybe she started to believe it. I do care for her. I do like her. But as far as I can figure myself out, I just can't make this commitment. And, apparently, I cannot make a commitment like this to anyone, no matter who. I think my future likely involves a few relationships punctuating a lonely existence that ends with my death alone.

On a lighter note, the cat thing has gone well. The cat is very well behaved. I have made several accommodations for the koichka and believe that I have respected that part of her life. I think I have done some other things well also. But not enough to be significant in light of the hurt I've caused.   

 
two 90 day fiance visas, one 73 day fiance. Lived in Lvov and Odessa for 2 years. California native now on the Oregon Coast

Offline justadude

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #536 on: February 02, 2019, 02:15:15 PM »
Curious Dude, you are a teacher, how do you relate to your students? And more important how do your students relate to you as a teacher and perhaps mentor?[/font][/size]

Oddly, I am gregarious and well liked. I try to do a good job for the teenagers with whom I work. I have received several student driven awards for things like most inspirational teacher (And a random "Cheesiest Jokes"). I have seen many of my former students get into schools like MIT, CalTech, Berkeley and Stanford. Seven of my former math students have gone on to become high school math teachers themselves.
two 90 day fiance visas, one 73 day fiance. Lived in Lvov and Odessa for 2 years. California native now on the Oregon Coast

Online andrewfi

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #537 on: February 02, 2019, 02:24:06 PM »
Marriage is, in my opinion, something one does because one is sure that one wants to do it. Nervous jitters aside, if one is not certain then there should be no marriage. Having a relationship with another woman whilst engaging to marry another is a pretty sure sign that one is not ready for the commitment of marriage.

That goes for the both of you. That means the date of the ceremony is immaterial. In my opinion, again, if you can not say 'yes' in response to the question 'are you ready to marry this woman tomorrow?' then 25 days or 25 months is not the issue. Marriage is the issue or, more accurately, your readiness and ability to marry this woman for the right reasons.
...everything ends always well; if it’s still bad, then it’s not the end!

Offline Mr strange

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #538 on: February 02, 2019, 03:13:53 PM »
Something is holding you back and that is your paradigm which keeps you from change and in check. That is most likely both of you.

The paradigm makes you come up with excuses why you can't do it as well.

You are both very scared and afraid to make the marriage happen. Fear is always false and you will have to cross through to the other side. Its a growth process.

The solution is to get very emotional into it and take it slowly until you overide the fear.

Offline BillyB

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #539 on: February 02, 2019, 03:46:40 PM »

Justadude, if you're crying now, you'll be crying a whole lot more when you do something you don't want such as marrying your fiancee. Cut her loose. Send her back home. If you have a change of heart, you could always try it again with her. You've dragged this on too long and it's bad for both of you. Plenty of women out there. Get yourself to a happy place.
Over 220 generals and admirals say we are in a fight for our survival like no other time since 1776. If you want to stop the war in Ukraine, fix elections, stop medical tyranny and forced vaccinations, lower inflation and make America and the world a better place, get Trump back into power. The Democrats and Republicans have shown they can't do the job. They are good at robbing us and getting people killed in non stop wars.

Offline justadude

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #540 on: February 09, 2019, 12:27:29 PM »
Something is holding you back and that is your paradigm which keeps you from change and in check. That is most likely both of you.

The paradigm makes you come up with excuses why you can't do it as well.

You are both very scared and afraid to make the marriage happen. Fear is always false and you will have to cross through to the other side. Its a growth process.

The solution is to get very emotional into it and take it slowly until you overide the fear.

I think this is so true. I think human attraction and love is much simpler than I make it.

I believe being with me has made her physically ill, as have become other women in the past. What do I do with that? I'm a horrible person.
two 90 day fiance visas, one 73 day fiance. Lived in Lvov and Odessa for 2 years. California native now on the Oregon Coast

Offline justadude

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #541 on: February 09, 2019, 12:39:39 PM »

Justadude, if you're crying now, you'll be crying a whole lot more when you do something you don't want such as marrying your fiancee. Cut her loose. Send her back home. If you have a change of heart, you could always try it again with her. You've dragged this on too long and it's bad for both of you. Plenty of women out there. Get yourself to a happy place.

She's gone. Oh God, it hurts. The last couple of days were excruciating. We spent time together, we talked about things we should have talked about before.

The day of, I felt like I was taking my dog to the veterinarian to have it put to sleep. Why not give it one more day? One more week? Why does it have to be today? Why not tomorrow? Why not spend some more time together? Maybe we'll pull though? I don't want to diminish the importance of this. She is a human woman, not a dog. But going through that process with a dog in the past has been overwhelming. This feels similar.

We spent the morning together and went out on our last date, for pizza. Silently I counted the time between our first date in the summer of 2017 and the last date. I cried off and on. She cried too, but not as much. The actual goodbye, with the luggage and stuff, was predictably painful. How long can I make the final hug last? Is there to be a last kiss? (there was). Watching her walk away until she's out of sight...

Then getting in the car and waling tears of sorrow, guilt, regret and self loathing.

She's still in the country right now, waiting for her connection. I want so bad to call her and say, "Come back. Let's get married. I'll make you happy. I promise." If only I knew I would/could keep that promise.
two 90 day fiance visas, one 73 day fiance. Lived in Lvov and Odessa for 2 years. California native now on the Oregon Coast

Offline BillyB

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #542 on: February 09, 2019, 01:57:21 PM »

When you find a woman that's right for you and you right for her, you're going to forget about this episode in your life. Don't spend any more time and emotion on this episode.
Over 220 generals and admirals say we are in a fight for our survival like no other time since 1776. If you want to stop the war in Ukraine, fix elections, stop medical tyranny and forced vaccinations, lower inflation and make America and the world a better place, get Trump back into power. The Democrats and Republicans have shown they can't do the job. They are good at robbing us and getting people killed in non stop wars.

Online andrewfi

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #543 on: February 09, 2019, 02:14:13 PM »
What kind of connection? Did you drop her off at the airport and watch her go through to airside?
...everything ends always well; if it’s still bad, then it’s not the end!

Offline Mr strange

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #544 on: February 11, 2019, 03:01:40 PM »
Something is holding you back and that is your paradigm which keeps you from change and in check. That is most likely both of you.

The paradigm makes you come up with excuses why you can't do it as well.

You are both very scared and afraid to make the marriage happen. Fear is always false and you will have to cross through to the other side. Its a growth process.

The solution is to get very emotional into it and take it slowly until you overide the fear.

I think this is so true. I think human attraction and love is much simpler than I make it.

I believe being with me has made her physically ill, as have become other women in the past. What do I do with that? I'm a horrible person.

This is how to deal with it:


Online Guile

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #545 on: February 11, 2019, 04:54:09 PM »
well a predictable ending...justdude needs to figure himself out before finding a Russian girl. if this were a local he'd just dump her or move on.

but he committed so much with the visa, flight etc. so he probably felt more pressure to try and make it work. good luck dude

Online Guile

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #546 on: February 11, 2019, 05:00:37 PM »
Bob Proctor is an MLM scam like the Secret and Oprah...all new age quackers

Online andrewfi

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #547 on: February 12, 2019, 08:57:34 AM »
Has this woman actually returned to Ukraine?
...everything ends always well; if it’s still bad, then it’s not the end!

Offline rosco

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #548 on: February 12, 2019, 03:16:13 PM »
It’s a sorry tale if ever I’ve read one. I do have a degree of sympathy for JAD with him seemingly coming to terms with what he’s done but at the end of the day, it was a fcuk up from the start but he carried on anyway!

You don’t mess with other people’s feelings and he’s learned the hard way.

Offline Dogsoldier

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Re: 10 days in Lvov with an angel
« Reply #549 on: February 13, 2019, 05:20:18 AM »
It’s a sorry tale if ever I’ve read one. I do have a degree of sympathy for JAD with him seemingly coming to terms with what he’s done but at the end of the day, it was a fcuk up from the start but he carried on anyway!

You don’t mess with other people’s feelings and he’s learned the hard way.
I would say it’s more that the woman has learned the hard way. JAD has known for a very long time that he was ambivalent about his intention to have a future with her yet he still persisted in his attempt at exorcising his demons, all at her expense.