Tale of an Abusive Marriage

[Scampo]

Hey all.  I posted here a couple of times back in 2012/13 and occasionally check back in to see what’s new.

I myself had a short-lived marriage to a girl who, although I cannot diagnose her (being not of the medical profession), has most of the traits of BPD.  I thought I’d share the story in light of the BPD related thread on this board.

We originally met via freepersonals.ru in late 2012.  I’m 35, professional, originally from London.  She is 9 years younger, a Muscovite, middle class background, high earning software developer.  Physically she is very beautiful, slim, and generally alluring to most men.  Highly educated and flawless written and spoken English.  At the time we met online, she was nursing a 6 month old baby so was bored at home, and likewise I had moved to a suburban area and also had a lot of evening time on my hands.  We started to communicate daily, established a connection, and within a couple of months I was on a ‘plane every few weeks to see her.  We also met on family holidays in various European countries.  I got to know her baby and family well.  Her family are wealthy, and although the constant trips to see her (around my work travel schedule) were very expensive at nearly £1000/month, her family sometimes subsidised her side of the trips.  To this day I still somewhat believe that the family are decent and honest people.  However, it became clear during this time that her mother had some quite serious behavioural issues with regards anger and impulsivity.  I glossed over this at the time.

As my soon-to-be-ex tells it, the back story with the baby is that she met an English guy about her age (then 21) when she was living in Spain, fell in love, accidentally fell pregnant and decided to keep the baby.  As she describes, the relationship became stormy quickly, due to his ‘cheating and lying’.  She recounted that he was too broke to support her in any way, so after a huge row she decided to go back to MSK when 4 months pregnant.  In light of what happened thereafter, and seeing the way that she can spin events and stretch the truth, I now have doubts about the account, although I have neither means nor inclination to dig into the facts.  In retrospect, it should have been the biggest of red flags that she would want to repeat history and jet off with a new British guy so soon.  Still, I let myself become swept up by events.

Fast forward a year and I proposed marriage.  I had fallen in love by this stage, and we had spent a fair amount of net time together much as in a typical local one year courtship (a solid 7 or 8 days in every 30), although I see now that I was pressured into the marriage commitment too soon.  There were a few red flags in this time which I chose to ignore.  However, it felt good.  The sex was wild, unrestrained.  She was extremely attentive to me, and it felt like the most passionate start to a relationship I’d ever experienced.  I was very fond of her daughter, who quickly came to address me as ‘papa’.  We married in Cyprus in May 2014, commenced UK visas for her and the daughter, and they arrived at my place near London in mid-August 2014.  There was a huge blow up the night before the wedding, that turned into an all night screaming session about her ring not fitting comfortably.  I put it down to pre-wedding nerves, and things were calm after that, but all my friends and family who heard the scene were beyond shocked at the behaviour. 

It was not long after this that things started to unravel, very hard and fast.  The first two months were mostly great, as the honeymoon period of a marriage is expected to be.  Passion every night, much affection, shared moments and care.  However, I started to notice that my wife would sometimes explode into unwarranted and over-the-top aggression as a result of minor arguments or disagreements.  After a few of these outbursts I was starting to become concerned.  In November, our lives started to become very stressful.  She applied for a well paid job that meant we had to move home (I was very prepared to change our lives to help her to achieve her goals), and she fell pregnant at the same time.  The arguments started to become near daily and would spiral out of control, into slurs and accusations directed against me.  I put it down to stress and tried to overlook the aggression.  Then one fateful day, everything was shattered forever.

I woke in the middle of the night to the sound of crying, wailing, and smashing of objects.  I didn’t know what was going on but my wife was completely inconsolable, banging her fists on the floor and throwing objects around as she wailed like a dying animal.  She refused to tell me the issue but was frantically shouting at me in Russian (mat words), all sorts of slurs.  I know what a few of the words mean and they are not nice.  She wouldn’t speak to me for 2 days, and I carried on with my daily routine.  I came home one night to an absolute whirlwind of violence, flying fists, slaps, screams.  It turned out that she had hacked into my phone a couple nights prior and spent some hours reading through my entire message history on Facebook, email, SMS, WhatsApp….she went back years.

What had she found?  To my mind, nearly nothing.  The thing that sent her so wild was that she found that a casual ex-girlfriend who I parted on friendly terms with some years prior, was in contact with me on WhatsApp every 2 to 3 months.  In the last 6 months there were, for example, 5 or 6 messages each when we congratulated each other on our respective weddings.  I was completely stunned by my wife’s reaction to these completely non-flirtatious, “hi how are you” type check in messages.  The rage and anger spiralled.  I’ll spare the story of all of the events that transpired but to give some examples;

* At least 10 incidents of hitting me, often leaving bruises
* Smashing household objects at least 6 times, including throwing heavy objects at me
* Spitting at me
* Waking me to argue, sometimes hitting me in my sleep
* Damage to my property e.g. cutting up suits
* Threats to damage property, rip up passport etc
* Threats to abort the baby “to hurt me” as it would remind her of me
* Constant snooping behaviour, breaking into phone weekly, resulting interrogations on innocent communications
* Attempts to dismantle my support network and isolate me from family and friends
* Absurd accusations of affairs, nearly daily
* Threats to “ruin my life” by contacting business partners to describe how I was “abusing” her
* Threats to have revenge affairs to hurt me
* Circular arguments going on for hours or even days (the record was a FIVE DAY argument) that only stopped when she collapsed in exhaustion
* Constant angry and abusive texts and emails, especially when I was working
* Hypersensivity, punishing me for innocent comments made by my family and friends that she interpreted as insults to her
* Public arguments, sometimes wild screaming in public places
* I was put in hospital once when she smashed a door at full force and my finger was broken.  Blood everywhere. 
* Sprayed a bottle of full cola in my face when I was driving at 70mph with children in the car
* Hit me very hard on the arm when I was reversing onto a busy road, again with kids in the car
* She pulled a 12 inch kitchen knife one time in an argument
* Repeated nuisance calling if we were apart for whatever reason, sometimes as much as 70 times in a day

There was a lot more extreme behaviour but that gives a flavour for how things were.  My behaviour wasn’t perfect and there was one time I lied to her about money (I was panicking and shuffled £2.5k between accounts to pay for an unexpected expense and didn’t tell her.  Silly me and I apologised many times about it.  I did it from stupid pride.  Nobody lost out financially because of it).  However, I was never in the slightest unfaithful, and overall in retrospect I feel that my behaviour to her was good, supportive, and kind. 

Through all of this time, she was pregnant.  It was a horrific time, a maelstrom of anger and rage, that just had no end.  I was so torn.  The thought of abandoning a pregnant wife was shameful and guilt inducing, but I knew that my life was being destroyed.  I clung on until a few weeks after the baby was born then in August last year I could take no more of covering up the behaviour to other people and also to myself.  It was only getting worse after the baby came and it was so shocking that a newborn could be exposed to such screaming abuse, not to mention the other little girl who was becoming very damaged.  I packed my things, moved to my mother’s, and instructed a lawyer.  Social services were involved by this time as the police had been called as a result of arguments.  The social services report stated that in their professional opinion, there was evidence that I was the victim of abuse, and that my wife needed psychological evaluation and also should go to a domestic violence perpetrator course.

My wife tried desperately hard to get me back and used every trick in the book to keep me there.  I managed to stop by to see the kids every day, I paid for the flat, left her the car, and made sure she had spending money.  A couple months she was back in Moscow, primarily as she was frightened by the social services evaluation.  We tried to reconcile, she agreed to therapy (but never actually admitted doing anything wrong).  In the meantime I was offered a huge promotion with my company to come to Asia, where I now reside.  We talked about her and the children coming, although it become clear that her behaviour had not changed much, and most importantly, she refuses to accept that her violence and rage were inexcusable and wrong.  I pulled the plug and moved here myself.  It was simply too dangerous - one aspect of my wife’s behaviour that I really noticed is that she has a complete intolerance of being alone, and will often act out in rage and uncontrollable aggression if she feels lonely or abandoned, which she will feel even if I am few minutes late from work.  I’m very busy here in the week, and I have to work hard.  I meet government ministers and CIOs.  This is serious business and I just can’t take the risk.

I’m writing from a cafe in my new Asian home, somewhat lonely and hurting still, missing the children, and determined to recover from this.  Part of me misses my wife and loves her still, despite my logical mind knowing it was a terribly abusive relationship.  I have instructed a lawyer and the divorce will proceed.  I am paying a great deal of money for the child, more than 120k RUB/month.  My soon to be ex wife has been very nasty recently, making all sorts of public slurs on Facebook (she is deleted from everything).  I’m not ready to date, and the temptations of Asia are not yet seducing me, although in a couple of months I’ll get back out there.  It’s part of the grief process. I'm drinking a little too much, although not to the point of blacking out or interfering with my daytimes.  A bottle of white wine most evenings by way of self medication takes the edge off the pain.

I have a psychologist helping me now.  I need it, I’m in bits, totally traumatised.  The guilt and shame of leaving two children is overpowering sometimes, although my rational mind knows I had no other choice.  I have shared with my shrink every detail, including written examples of communications, and although my psychologist has warned me about focusing too much about focusing on my wife’s behaviour and trying to diagnose her, the psychologist is sure that my wife has heavy BPD traits and is in touch with her own counsellor via her network to try to get her to agree to a  psychiatric evaluation.  There are a lot of aspects to my wife’s character that I admire and respect.  I do not believe that she is a bad person.  However, I am totally sure that she has some deeply worrying aspects to her character that are unacceptable and that she needs to face up to, and take action on.  There are children involved. 

I’m sharing this story partly for interest’s sake, partly as a cautionary tale for those considering diving into a relationship too soon, and partly I suppose for my own catharsis.  Any questions or comments, just shout.

[AvHdB]

I admire your courage and honesty.

More important though is the fact that you want to move forward and not wallow in the past or to repair it.

Elsewhere on this forum is another thread regarding behavior that has echoes of your expierence. I am not 100% certain of the title but I recall both I think TomT and Andrewfi gave insightful comments.

[msmoby]

..How is she with the kids  ?

[Maxx]

I was where you are at 13 years ago with my Russian ex-wife. Since then over the years I have been observing others like you and there has been a considerable number. What I've noticed is the nicer the guy the harder he takes it and the longer he takes it. The good news is you will get over this darkness in time. Just hang in there. Also when you can... find yourself a sweet woman. Many Asian gals are. I've seen plenty of men do that and they bounce back fastest.

[Maxx]

I admire your courage and honesty.

More important though is the fact that you want to move forward and not wallow in the past or to repair it.

Plus 1 

[Maxx]

I admire your courage and honesty.

More important though is the fact that you want to move forward and not wallow in the past or to repair it.

I agree 1000% on that. I tried that and wasted 7 years of my life. You just have to accept it as an accident or in my case a mugging and realize that it isn't your fault in any way. We have a poster here named B/B a Boston lawyer I believe. He once was told "There are two sides to every argument." His response was, "Yes, sometimes one is 1000% right and the other 100% wrong." In your case Scampo I don't see you having any fault in this. So if you are searching your memory for where you went wrong, stop it. 

[Scampo]

It's all jolly good advice to look forward and put in the past.  I have enough self respect not to go back into the eye of that storm.  Yes, there are many good women here, of many Asian nationalities as well as expats from the west and even the FSU.  Some are already showing interest.

Msmoby, in many ways she is an excellent mother.  She shows a lot of interest in the children, stimulates them, cares well for them.  Where she really lets herself down is that she has no compunction about letting them witness and indeed be put at physical risk by her impulses.  As well as the car incidents, there was also another incident whereby she smashed a 20KG (and very expensive) hifi speaker to the ground in a rage at me.  She hadn't looked behind her - the eldest daughter was half a metre away.  When my wife is in a rage, she is unstoppable and the consequences to her actions are not even considered.  Her own mother is just the same, by the way. 

The fact that I have been the sole trigger for her outbursts may mean that they are at less risk than me being present.  There is also an extended family network in MSK who are actively involved in their care, every day.  I considered going for full custody of the baby but it would have been a very hard, protracted process under UK law, especially as she was (and still is) breastfeeding.  The mother and the other child would have been stuck in the UK with very little by way of support group, and money would have been very tight for me to support two households during the process (plus legal fees).

My main concern for the future of the children is that my wife will no doubt repeat this abusive pattern with another man, probably quite soon by established BPD patterns, unless she is prepared to seek some medical help.  She has told me several times recently that she plans to find 'new love, as soon as possible' - she'll be transferring the same old issues onto the next guy before Spring is out, I am sure.  And that's a big worry that's not at all under my control.

[Maxx]

  Where she really lets herself down is that she has no compunction about letting them witness and indeed be put at physical risk by her impulses.  As well as the car incidents, there was also another incident whereby she smashed a 20KG (and very expensive) hifi speaker to the ground in a rage at me.  She hadn't looked behind her - the eldest daughter was half a metre away.  When my wife is in a rage, she is unstoppable and the consequences to her actions are not even considered.  Her own mother is just the same, by the way. 

This is only comfort to you some years from now but the children when grown will see you as a good one and their mother the one with all the problems.

I knew a guy from Louisiana whose Russian wife used to beat him. One time swung and missed and busted her hand on the wall. Terrible temper. He told me she used to fight with her mother and brother throwing punches at each other. Why he married her I can only guess because she was so hot looking. She comes the America, ends up working as a pole dancer and then joins an escort service by the name of "Polina."  Meets a guy (60s) 20 years older than her older husband (40s) but rich and runs off with him. She had a baby too, with the husband and not the 'John'. I advised him to separate, have no contact and start the divorce. He wasn't interested in that advice. He just wanted to know what he could do to get her back. She used to post with her husband on another forum I used. Her avatar was a picture of herself in a bikini. She was pretty hot looking from what I could tell. Take comfort Scampo, you are light years ahead of that guy with your common sense. You will get through this.

[msmoby]

Msmoby, in many ways she is an excellent mother.  She shows a lot of interest in the children, stimulates them, cares well for them.  Where she really lets herself down is that she has no compunction about letting them witness and indeed be put at physical risk by her impulses.  As well as the car incidents, there was also another incident whereby she smashed a 20KG (and very expensive) hifi speaker to the ground in a rage at me.  She hadn't looked behind her - the eldest daughter was half a metre away.  When my wife is in a rage, she is unstoppable and the consequences to her actions are not even considered.  Her own mother is just the same, by the way. 

The fact that I have been the sole trigger for her outbursts may mean that they are at less risk than me being present. 

Thanks for your candour

I see LOTS of similarities with my first wife. She wasn't FSU ... but on reflection I had plenty of clues - but chose to ignore them.

I EVENTUALLY - removed myself from the scene - knowing it would mean 'difficulties' seeing the kids - her 'threat' if I dared to leave...

..and YET.... she wanted to be PERCEIVED as a good Mum - and for me - STILL - seeks such 'affirmation'..

She found a guy 17 years older and they 'lasted' 8 yrs - we lasted 11 years -  before starting to live apart and he died quite young - I suggest the stress of sharing live with her might have been a factor.

Are my kids well-balanced  / affected - Most would say they're just fine

Honestly, removing yourself might be the best for your kids ... but I warn you - many days will be hard...  It becomes worse when one of you finds someone else.


We tried marriage guidance - all sorts ... In the end - I did something similar to you.

I never wanted more kids - only now - perhaps, too late - I found a woman that wanted to 'make babies' ... but knowing your kids will - largely - grow up without your influence .... also a toughie.

Really, I hope you can work things out - better than we did .... Try to keep the lawyers out of it and better have a UK Family Court make contact agreements - 'official'

Good Luck

[AvHdB]

The thread I was thinking of is just down from yours Scampo, "How the story turned out for the American man and Russian Woman; don't touch me marry me" from Philsnat. Worth a read just for the insight in my opinion.

[Anteros]

I was where you are at 13 years ago with my Russian ex-wife. Since then over the years I have been observing others like you and there has been a considerable number. What I've noticed is the nicer the guy the harder he takes it and the longer he takes it. The good news is you will get over this darkness in time. Just hang in there. Also when you can... find yourself a sweet woman. Many Asian gals are. I've seen plenty of men do that and they bounce back fastest.

Great post.  Nice guys finish last.  Well, maybe not last, but some RW will walk all over them.  Repeatedly. 

I'm basically a nice guy at heart, soft spoken normally, but lucky for me I've got a mean streak and when any women tries to take advantage of me I've got the good sense to end it pretty fast. 

Next!  Life's too short to wake up to a rude bitch who causes you to lose sleep or in any way shape or form not be happy.  Cue "Goodbye Stranger" by Super Tramp.

The biggest mistake guys make is thinking "it's cultural, these differences".  NO!  She's either healthy which means level headed, not breaking things, not starting fights, etc.  Level headed and loving means -- let's talk this out, but in a loving and adult manner.

Mostly if there are too many red flags --- NEXT!!!

[Anteros]

  Where she really lets herself down is that she has no compunction about letting them witness and indeed be put at physical risk by her impulses.  As well as the car incidents, there was also another incident whereby she smashed a 20KG (and very expensive) hifi speaker to the ground in a rage at me.  She hadn't looked behind her - the eldest daughter was half a metre away.  When my wife is in a rage, she is unstoppable and the consequences to her actions are not even considered.  Her own mother is just the same, by the way. 

This is only comfort to you some years from now but the children when grown will see you as a good one and their mother the one with all the problems.

I knew a guy from Louisiana whose Russian wife used to beat him. One time swung and missed and busted her hand on the wall. Terrible temper. He told me she used to fight with her mother and brother throwing punches at each other. Why he married her I can only guess because she was so hot looking. She comes the America, ends up working as a pole dancer and then joins an escort service by the name of "Polina."  Meets a guy (60s) 20 years older than her older husband (40s) but rich and runs off with him. She had a baby too, with the husband and not the 'John'. I advised him to separate, have no contact and start the divorce. He wasn't interested in that advice. He just wanted to know what he could do to get her back. She used to post with her husband on another forum I used. Her avatar was a picture of herself in a bikini. She was pretty hot looking from what I could tell. Take comfort Scampo, you are light years ahead of that guy with your common sense. You will get through this.

The guy wanted her back?  A case where the guy was more mentally ill than the woman.

[Anteros]

The thread I was thinking of is just down from yours Scampo, "How the story turned out for the American man and Russian Woman; don't touch me marry me" from Philsnat. Worth a read just for the insight in my opinion.

That one was a case of damage -- on both sides of the aisle.  Who are these guys who think they can "rescue" someone who is severely damaged?

Humpty Dumpty.  All the Kings men could not put all of the pieces back together. 

[Anteros]

Scampo you have a lot of courage.  There's light at the end of the tunnel.  Good that you went to a counselor, because sometimes we cannot fully understand what is going on w/out an outside neutral observer and voice.  Wishing you much better fortune in the future.




PS  lay off the wine or any form of alcohol -- in excess it's very bad for your mind.  A full bottle of wine is excess -- I think you know it.

Better would be to date a nice sweet Asian gal, even if it's just a short term relationship.  The sooner you have some new passion in your life, the faster you will forget the past and be happy you moved on from it.

[TomT]

I presume that you are referring to borderline personality disorder. The symptoms are usually masked during the falling-in-love period... as you discovered. There is no good news, only bad: it is virtually incurable; it will damage everyone with whom she becomes involved; the children are not safe and it is not uncommon amongst FSU women.

On a more global theme, western men often feel as though they have won the lottery when a smoking-hot girl comes their way. There is a tendency to think that they will never find such a girl again. They may be right but that would be a good thing. 

[Scampo]

it is not uncommon amongst FSU women.

I do wonder about this.  Many of my wife's friends (mid 20s girls from Moscow and Voronezh) have incredibly unstable and stormy relationships, often involving violence, the tales of which I have rarely heard the like of from the UK.

Western men often feel as though they have won the lottery when a smoking-hot girl comes their way. There is a tendency to think that they will never find such a girl again. They may be right but that would be a good thing.

Personally not worried about the future scarcity issue.  I'm mid-30s, slim, presentable, of decent social skill and very successful.  I think the fact that I'm prime catch material made my wife's neuroses amplify, despite her extraordinary beauty.  Beautiful girls are a dime a dozen in the FSU, and a lot seem very insecure because of their comparative abundance.  God knows I've heard first hand recounts of tubby middle aged Muscovite guys being selective about their second mistresses, just because they have an important connection to some government gobshite. 

In her weaker moments, my wife often admitted that due to her out-of-wedlock child aged 23, she had few marriage options (albeit very many sexual options) at home.

[TomT]

Beautiful girls are a dime a dozen in the FSU...

The trick is to find a beautiful, sane girl.

[Maxx]

PS  lay off the wine or any form of alcohol -- in excess it's very bad for your mind.  A full bottle of wine is excess -- I think you know it.

And sometimes it is just a sedative that allows you to sleep. You will need your sleep at a time like this.

[msmoby]

And sometimes it is just a sedative that allows you to sleep. You will need your sleep at a time like this.

I t may send you to sleep - but you'll wakeup earlier ...

[Manny]

PS  lay off the wine or any form of alcohol -- in excess it's very bad for your mind.  A full bottle of wine is excess -- I think you know it.

And sometimes it is just a sedative that allows you to sleep. You will need your sleep at a time like this.

A bottle of wine is neither here nor there. Several, perhaps.

Why so much child support being sent to Russia at the moment Scampo may I ask? Over a grand a month English seems way excessive as she is in Russia.

[Scampo]

A bottle of wine is neither here nor there. Several, perhaps.

Why so much child support being sent to Russia at the moment Scampo may I ask? Over a grand a month English seems way excessive as she is in Russia.

Everyone has their own attitude to alcohol consumption.  Some people would be shocked at half a bottle a day.  For me, a bottle is the danger threshold.

My lawyer advised that for the moment I should stick with what I'm due to pay under the UK child maintenance calculator, which is about £1200/month.  I have a well-into-six-figure income and now I'm paying average 15% tax so it's not crippling.  Obviously it's a king's bloody ransom in Russia with the current exchange rates.

[Omega1982]

Is that amount for one child or two, under UK law? 

[Scampo]

One.  The calculator is available online - it's 10% of pre-tax income per child, more or less, with an income cap of £150k/year from memory.  I'm not legally liable for my step daughter. 

At point of divorce, it's very unlikely that I would have to pay further for ex-spouse maintenance as it will be classified as a short marriage and she was working most of the way through the relationship except for maternity.

[Omega1982]

The figures sound somewhat at par with the US.  I had read here somewhere that UK laws are more fair than US laws regarding divorce and settlements. 

It would be interesting to draw some charts comparing the divorce laws in the Us/UK/EU/RU. 

One of the US laws I completely disagree with is that in the event of a divorce the woman can take 50% of your 401k retirement savings account.  This is a personal retirement account that only the individual contributes to.  So why should the woman be entitled to half of it.  Since pensions in the US have almost entirely become a thing of the past, the 401k account is even more important. 

[Anteros]

And sometimes it is just a sedative that allows you to sleep. You will need your sleep at a time like this.

I t may send you to sleep - but you'll wakeup earlier ...

Correct.  Two glasses of red wine -- fine.  Check with any qualified Doctor.  A whole bottle done 3-5 times a week?  Possibly big trouble in the making, IMO.