Tale of an Abusive Marriage

[Halo]

From what I recall of stuff a decade and a half ago, Bean was simply an American guy who did not understand the time and work it takes to look as this woman looked. He thought that his wife sprang out of bed every morning looking as she did and couldn't understand why she wasn't willing to change the needed regime to suit him.

There's a reason why a lovely woman looks lovely and it isn't an accident that she looks that way.

If you want to have a successful relationship with anyone then understanding of each other is important. They both got that wrong, and but Bean was, in my recall, much more at fault. He said what he wanted, and his wife tried give it to him while at the same time he was undermining her ability to do so.

How happy was his wife on a sailing boat, wind and spray lashed, in cold uncomfortable water. Bean in his element thinking his too expensive sail boat was impressing his uncomfortable wife. How happy was his wife to be told that, as a highly qualified medical practitioner that she was now expected to be a glamorous greeter at his failing restaurant - that the work she was doing for him was to be prostituted so that he could save a minimum wage hire?

Understand the person. Failing that fence is where you go wrong. Not just Bean, but I am sure, you, maxx, and others. Understand before you marry and after.

In simple terms, maxx, I understood about the poor woman that Bean married, that which I needed to know within a few moments. Bean didn't and yet he had the same information that I did and he had a lot more time.

So bottom line, he married a slut who was more interested in things and a "good life" than a relationship and family life, and then complained about it.  I'm not suggesting he is any better, he knew what she was when he married her,  but,  don't paint her as some sort of saint whose needs weren't being met.

[Truly Yours]

A good private school in Moscow currently costs around $2k per month. Of course it will cost more in future but if you have put money aside and invested, this will more than cover inflation.  Make it very clear that you will only agree to pay the school fees direct, nothing more.
Your ex wife will have a simple choice.  To deny your daughter the benefits of a private education or agree.

This sounds very English or American. It won’t work in Russia.  The concept of private education is relatively new here, and up until now it hasn’t proven to be better than state education. The benefits of private education in Russia do not outweigh those of state education. Privately-educated kids from Russia get into the best international Universities not because they are better equipped knowledge-wise, but because their parents can afford to pay for tuition at those Universities. This is what the majority of Russians think about it.

If she refuses then state that this offer will be repeated direct to your daughter when she is 18 when her agreement is not necessary.  You will pay for a university education in the USA.  If you have continued to put money aside and invested it, it would likely pay for an Ivy league college.  An offer which any young adult would find hard to refuse...

Not every kid in Russia knows/cares about Ivy League Universities. It would highly depend on a person and their family background/environment.

As for the situation, described here, we only hear one side of a family drama. The wife might have a completely different account of events. Do not forget, that it always takes two to tango. So, calling this woman names and accusing her of everything bad that has happened in the relationships, is quite pointless. She is not even present here to defend herself. Seems like nobody have noticed that the girl is already working, so this is not exactly the type of a woman who expects everything to be given to her on a silver platter.  And, if I understand correctly from reading this topic, this is not the first “problematic” woman in his life. Maybe he should pay attention to his falling into the same pattern when it comes to women. We all make our choices ourselves, after all.

[Contrarian]

A good private school in Moscow currently costs around $2k per month. Of course it will cost more in future but if you have put money aside and invested, this will more than cover inflation.  Make it very clear that you will only agree to pay the school fees direct, nothing more.
Your ex wife will have a simple choice.  To deny your daughter the benefits of a private education or agree.

This sounds very English or American. It won’t work in Russia.  The concept of private education is relatively new here, and up until now it hasn’t proven to be better than state education. The benefits of private education in Russia do not outweigh those of state education. Privately-educated kids from Russia get into the best international Universities not because they are better equipped knowledge-wise, but because their parents can afford to pay for tuition at those Universities. This is what the majority of Russians think about it.

If she refuses then state that this offer will be repeated direct to your daughter when she is 18 when her agreement is not necessary.  You will pay for a university education in the USA.  If you have continued to put money aside and invested it, it would likely pay for an Ivy league college.  An offer which any young adult would find hard to refuse...

Not every kid in Russia knows/cares about Ivy League Universities. It would highly depend on a person and their family background/environment.

As for the situation, described here, we only hear one side of a family drama. The wife might have a completely different account of events. Do not forget, that it always takes two to tango. So, calling this woman names and accusing her of everything bad that has happened in the relationships, is quite pointless. She is not even present here to defend herself. Seems like nobody have noticed that the girl is already working, so this is not exactly the type of a woman who expects everything to be given to her on a silver platter.  And, if I understand correctly from reading this topic, this is not the first “problematic” woman in his life. Maybe he should pay attention to his falling into the same pattern when it comes to women. We all make our choices ourselves, after all.

Welcome to the forum. When a woman complains that other women have larger carot diamond rings it’s a horrible reflection on her character and as you should know normal people in the FSU are fine with a very simple wedding band; no diamond required.

Of course that’s right she’s not here and how is it that these two peas became a pod? Were the fake tits for the man or for the woman?

External illusions versus internal reality perhaps for both?

[andrewfi]

Halo, while I am certain that you are, in many respects, a fine woman, open minded and accommodating are not words that can be used to describe you.

There are many types of person in this fine world of ours and that's a great thing.Most of the time, it helps us to NOT make instant value character judgements as you have just done and done on previous occasions. It is an unpleasant trait and does you no favours - unless you want to appear as a mean spirited harridan.

The man and woman in this case were not compatible, but man or woman, these days if you tried to tell me that sailing an open sailing boat was a great way to spend a weekend I think I'd have something to say that was not positive. The two people were not compatible with each other, but the guy wanted what the woman looked like without giving her the resources to give her the ability to give him that which she wanted to give him and that he said he wanted.

I do not think that anyone here wrote any words that would support your rather unpleasant attack on a person I know only slightly but, from what I know, is a more humane and pleasant person than you portray yourself.

I really do not think that wither person in this relationship was bad, just not the right people in the right relationship. It happens, but from what I know of what happened at the time, the root of the problem was the guy and his inability to look outside of himself. The woman did her best to give him what he said he wanted but in the final analysis, it was not possible.

[Scampo]

As for the situation, described here, we only hear one side of a family drama. The wife might have a completely different account of events. Do not forget, that it always takes two to tango. So, calling this woman names and accusing her of everything bad that has happened in the relationships, is quite pointless. She is not even present here to defend herself. Seems like nobody have noticed that the girl is already working, so this is not exactly the type of a woman who expects everything to be given to her on a silver platter.  And, if I understand correctly from reading this topic, this is not the first “problematic” woman in his life. Maybe he should pay attention to his falling into the same pattern when it comes to women. We all make our choices ourselves, after all.

We've got two parallel tales now in this thread, being my own and of one Mr Bean, and any name-calling appears to be in relation to the other tale.  I've also not had another severely fractious romantic relationship in my life before.  You make a valid point that is potentially relevant to any and all of us however, about being mindful of what we have attracted into our lives in the past.  Whilst I do not feel 'at fault' in the failed marriage, I must take responsibility for the choices I made that led to such a painful marriage and separation. 

[AvHdB]

Halo, while I am certain that you are, in many respects, a fine woman, open minded and accommodating are not words that can be used to describe you.

There are many types of person in this fine world of ours and that's a great thing.Most of the time, it helps us to NOT make instant value character judgements as you have just done and done on previous occasions. It is an unpleasant trait and does you no favours - unless you want to appear as a mean spirited harridan.

Andrew with your pseudo-intelligence you never fail at making snap judgements, and most of the time they are wrong. Curious are you just again trying to keep RUA an all male group. By thinly veiled insults to a female poster.

. . . if you tried to tell me that sailing an open sailing boat was a great way to spend a weekend I think I'd have something to say that was not positive.

Again you are WRONG a Catalina 40, now ten years old is not an 'open' sailboat. It has two or three cabins a full head as well as galley with stove and cool box.

I really do not think that wither person in this relationship was bad, just not the right people in the right relationship. It happens, but from what I know of what happened at the time, the root of the problem was the guy and his inability to look outside of himself. The woman did her best to give him what he said he wanted but in the final analysis, it was not possible.

There is most likely some truth here. Unfortunately we are only hearing one side of this 'relationship'. Based on my brother's ex I can see many of the same 'qualities' exhibited that Scampo expierenced. The odd thing the ex of my brother could be charming and seem quite sincere. 

My feeling is that Scampo has been both forthright and willing to engage in his tale. Not every marriage comes with a happy ending and I commend our 'hero' for his honesty.

[andrewfi]

avhdb, please learn to understand what you read!

Seriously matey, you are an embarrassment to yourself, or should be. It does not have to be that way you know.

To start with, even if you think about what I write as you claim to do, does that mean that the crap that Halo wrote gets a free pass? Look at it. Get back to me when you have had a morning coffee and your second nerve steadier.

As to the boat thing, read what I wrote! Did I write about anyone other than myself? No, I did not. The attributes of some other boat with some other people are hardly germane are they?
Now, you silly old man, I have no idea what a catalina is, never seen one, but the only time I ever heard the word before was in reference to flying boats and I know that Bean did not fly one of those. The point, as you, in a moment of lucidity, cottoned on to was that sailing is not for everyone. The larger point being that, in fact, the guy was being somewhat selfish and that the 'good things' he had done and 'given' to his new bride were, in fact, about himself and not she.

And again, the lucid mind is lost to us - where in the words I wrote did I refer to this Scampo fellow or his situation? Ask for help with the reading if you need it. Please AvHdB, put down the bottle before posting.

Oh, one last point, unlike you and some others, I respect ALL the people who post here enough to not patronise any poster due to gender. I Believe and live a life where equality is a normal standard and goal. It is wrong, and there is no excuse, to treat women differently to men simply because of gender. I will not do it. At the same time that means any woman who claims equality but then demands different gender based treatment loses my respect instantly.

I am sure that your patronising of 'the little ladies' and 'the fair sex' goes down well in a certain part of society, probably that which you stagger through playing the role of the somewhat cultured, but slightly drunk, uncle. I know there's women who react well to that sort of behaviour, but the guys who do it and the women who seek out or accept such treatment are not part of my world.

[andrewfi]

Scampo, yes, it seems that the introduction of additional dramatis personae has confused matters. I can see that there are several confused sheep in the thread above.

One point I would note is this: while we might call it differently, apportioning blame is actually quite important. Only by understanding the situation, or choosing an acceptable narrative can we decide how to change matters in the future. For example, if one decides one is totally not at fault in any situation then there's nothing to learn and no need to make any changes in the future. But, we need to be very confident in ourselves if we are to go down that route. Learning, or coming to understand what might have been done better enables change and, hopefully, improvement in the future.

I think that we do things wrong all the time, but the trick is to learn from those errors.

[Manny]

  This is a woman who had 4 holidays and 15,000 of jewellery in a year, and nice new pair of breasts, who would keep me awake at night for three days straight in a working week, haranguing me until the small hours that that my colleagues' wives had bigger diamonds.

I'm sure that's all true - but what has that to do with Natasha ?

Been there.. worn the t-shirt ..didn't live in the house *I* built for 16 years - but they had a roof over their head ... 

Withdrawing support for the kids - to teach her a lesson - well, you're on a hiding to nothing...

One day, hopefully - Natasha will find out you never stopped caring


Once again, don't be like me - making lot's of mistakes - learn from mine )

It was less an example of ex's greed and more an example of how it's very difficult to set appropriate boundaries. 

I'm not going to withdraw support, but I haven't settled on what I am prepared to pay.  And sadly, this does really come down to what I am prepared to pay, as opposed to what she is legally entitled to, as under Russian law that's a quarter of my very high income, for the next 19 years.  Not happening.  My best option so far seems to be to peg it to the UK requirement, which would be about 2000 to 2300 USD a month at current exchange rates.

Average wage where she lives might be a better basis to work on. Why pay a woman in Russia to live in luxury at UK money? Half that would be generous and plenty as a contribution to childcare IMO.

[leslied]

Welcome to the forum Truly Yours,

The comments you make about private education in Russia confirm to me that you do not belong to the monied classes.  I live on the Turkish Riviera where many rich Russians have second homes and often flashy motor yachts moored in the marina.  I am friendly with several of these families,  there are over a dozen Russian children from these families who are friends with my daughters.  Simple statistic for you.  Not one of these children attends "state school".  Unless you were part of this set you would not know this as wealthy Russians are more class conscious than the British aristocracy  The only "ordinary" people they come into contact with work for them...

Entry to an Ivy league college or a Russell group university CANNOT be bought.  You have to have impeccable exam results (likely given a private education) and the money to pay the fees.  You are perhaps aware that a non professional degree (e.g. Psychology) can be obtained easily in most Russian universities by bribing the  tutors.  I think you are presuming foreign institutions operate like the local ones perhaps??  Simply not so.

I can only judge Scampo's soon to be ex wife on what he has told me.  This forum isn't a chat show on channel 1 you know,  she will not appear here and give her side of the story. 

Finally don't presume I am ignorant on Russian Culture.  I am happily married to a Russian lady for 14 years.  I have also spent a lot of time in my wife's rodina.  There are also 20+ channels of Russian TV at home 

[AvHdB]

Andrew (reply 131) did some one take away your pacifier?

Let me see the last guest off and bring some order to the kitchen, than I can address your boorish & ill bred internet presence.

[Poldark]

Unless you were part of this set you would not know this as wealthy Russians are more class conscious than the British aristocracy

How does one, of upper-middle class Britain (as the upper classes are royalty), meet such Russians? I'm asking for a friend!

Entry to a Russell group university CANNOT be bought.

I'd disagree, it can be bought through donations, network or your private school. I know two people who failed to meet the requirements for entry and yet got into Cambridge anyway and both later ended up at GS, while it wasn't outwardly stated, it was alluded to that they had additional help.

I don't believe it to be the rule but rather the exception, a common exception but an exception nonetheless.

[B.B.]

Average wage where she lives might be a better basis to work on. Why pay a woman in Russia to live in luxury at UK money? Half that would be generous and plenty as a contribution to childcare IMO.

This.

At this point, whatever cash Scampo sends is basically providing a salary to her to bang other guys and teach his kid to hate him. 

B/B

[msmoby]

At this point, whatever cash Scampo sends is basically providing a salary to her to bang other guys and teach his kid to hate him. 

B/B

Whether that is true - or not - is irrelevant.  If the Mother isn't careful with the money, this will swiftly be apparent and - in time - his daughter will realise... He should not withhold on the basis that B.B suggests....

[AvHdB]

Was tired last night and had things to do this morning. As well as thought is it even worth responding, but yes, if one allows BS without challenging it, this mediocrity tends to control your life.

Andrew, please try to use English in a clear manner, I know it can be challenging for you. But give it a try. And while you are at it perhaps a measure of civility would be appreciated. Usually when you do not wish to discuss anything you pull out the lame drunk card. It is OK, I think we all see your lack of intellect masquerading behind empty sentences.

The odd thing is that we can see how some have a split persona; much like Scampo has learned. In the for what it is worth I am assured that Andrew in real life is a decent if not charming bloke. My brother’s ex has that same façade that it takes more time to learn the reality but there were at least in brother’s case enough red flags that he ignored. As I recall Scampo noted the same and even went back for a second helping.

So Andrew wrote initially;

Halo, while I am certain that you are, in many respects, a fine woman, open minded and accommodating are not words that can be used to describe you.

I pointed that Andrew was yet again belittling a female poster, a sort of frequent occurrence with Andrew. The above are your words and the meaning is quite clear, what were you trying to say?  He back peddled with the following.

To start with, even if you think about what I write as you claim to do, does that mean that the crap that Halo wrote gets a free pass?

Halo expressed her thoughts but you did not want to discuss the points she made instead launched a personal attack. I have seen this manner of behavior before as a sort of defense mechanism in people who have an inferiority complex. Perhaps this is how Ms. Moscow behaved.

In the what it is worth department on numerous times Halo have I have not agreed, when I was wrong I can admit this and likewise Halo. At time’s I understand your point and Halo’s but agree to disagree. In that you can never admit to being wrong all you can do is duck and swerve. Perhaps you coached the young lady in Moscow, you seem to be a master at deceit.

Regarding the sailboats, Catalina is a very large sailboat builder and the vessels are around the globe sailing. Scampo noted he chartered a Catalina with his woman and I filled in the details. Curious do you even bother to read the posts of others or are you too filled up with your bloated self-importance? No where do we discuss your exploits in a 420. You noted an open sailboat, this is clearly not what I or Scampo indicated. Why not just admit that you have some serious challenges and work to address them?

As is often the case you bring little of value to the discussion but try to inject your own personal bile into threads.

And now back to the regular scheduled topic. 

[Scampo]

Regarding the sailboats, Catalina is a very large sailboat builder and the vessels are around the globe sailing. Scampo noted he chartered a Catalina with his woman and I filled in the details. Curious do you even bother to read the posts of others or are you too filled up with your bloated self-importance? No where do we discuss your exploits in a 420. You noted an open sailboat, this is clearly not what I or Scampo indicated. Why not just admit that you have some serious challenges and work to address them?

I've never been on a sailboat in my life.  It was that mischievous and fabled character, Mr Bean, who has been claimed to have done such.

[AvHdB]

Regarding the sailboats, Catalina is a very large sailboat builder and the vessels are around the globe sailing. Scampo noted he chartered a Catalina with his woman and I filled in the details. Curious do you even bother to read the posts of others or are you too filled up with your bloated self-importance? No where do we discuss your exploits in a 420. You noted an open sailboat, this is clearly not what I or Scampo indicated. Why not just admit that you have some serious challenges and work to address them?

I've never been on a sailboat in my life.  It was that mischievous and fabled character, Mr Bean, who has been claimed to have done such.

My Bad, my excuses Scampo (and Andrew) I see where Maxx was referencing another thread of Mr. Bean.

[Contrarian]

Regarding the sailboats, Catalina is a very large sailboat builder and the vessels are around the globe sailing. Scampo noted he chartered a Catalina with his woman and I filled in the details. Curious do you even bother to read the posts of others or are you too filled up with your bloated self-importance? No where do we discuss your exploits in a 420. You noted an open sailboat, this is clearly not what I or Scampo indicated. Why not just admit that you have some serious challenges and work to address them?

I've never been on a sailboat in my life.  It was that mischievous and fabled character, Mr Bean, who has been claimed to have done such.

The mythical Mr. Bean. 

[Lord of the Dance]

The mythical Mr. Bean. 

Ah-ha! I knew it must be an epithet.

[Scampo]

The divorce was finalised last week.  I didn't respond to the hearing, but it was granted, and the court Fedexed the documents to me.  I disengaged my RU lawyer.  I can't blow any more hard earned resources on such Sisyphean tasks as court actions.  It's time to focus on me, and to rebuild my wealth.

Seeing the divorce papers in black and white, and feeling the finality of it, was an emotional release but also a huge emotional trigger.  Exquisitely bittersweet.  Those who have been through the big D will understand.  I had one last, long mental replay of all of the events of the courtship and marriage over the weekend, like an epic movie filmed in a single shot and take.  I noted when I saw the document that the divorce was granted three years to the day after the earth-shattering first major blow-up of the marriage - as noted in my first post, the day that everything changed forever.  It felt apt to have those major events bookend a harrowing time of my life; the first time I knew something was majorly wrong, and the final dissolution of my marriage. 

So what next?  No contact with my daughter for so long now.  I'm still vacillating about the maintenance aspect.  In the meantime, my HR department informed me that my ex wife wrote to my company bosses in the USA with many allegations about me.  They are very senior Silicon Valley business leaders.  She is a very foolish girl, as she also works in tech, and she has embarrassed herself with people who are on first name terms with the like of Larry Ellison and Jeff Bezos.  Apparently this sort of behaviour is quite common amongst bitter ex-spouses, and is always categorically ignored.  Ironically enough, they rewarded me with a few thousand extra shares in the company as a valued employee of 5 years who has been through a hard time.  I should reach out and thank my ex, really

[Maxx]

Congratulations. You must be feeling some combat fatigue and a little PTSD after all that. Noticing dates and seeing patterns is all part symptoms. Been there done that.

Here is some good advice from Mark Twain

“We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is in it and stop there lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot stove lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove lid again and that is well, but also she will never sit down on a cold one anymore.”


― Mark Twain 

[TomT]

I should reach out and thank my ex, really

No, you should not. You should enjoy your good fortune quietly. You still have a relationship with your daughter to think about.

[Scampo]

No, you should not. You should enjoy your good fortune quietly. You still have a relationship with your daughter to think about.

Indeed.  It was my bitterly sarcastic joke.

[TomT]

Good. The next step will be getting yourself back to normal so that your experience doesn't poison all future relationships. The key ingredient will be to forgive your ex for the grief that she has caused you. Bear in mind that you wouldn't be doing it for her, you would be doing it for yourself.

[Gipsy]

The divorce was finalised last week.  I didn't respond to the hearing, but it was granted, and the court Fedexed the documents to me.  I disengaged my RU lawyer.  I can't blow any more hard earned resources on such Sisyphean tasks as court actions.  It's time to focus on me, and to rebuild my wealth.

Seeing the divorce papers in black and white, and feeling the finality of it, was an emotional release but also a huge emotional trigger.  Exquisitely bittersweet.  Those who have been through the big D will understand.  I had one last, long mental replay of all of the events of the courtship and marriage over the weekend, like an epic movie filmed in a single shot and take.  I noted when I saw the document that the divorce was granted three years to the day after the earth-shattering first major blow-up of the marriage - as noted in my first post, the day that everything changed forever.  It felt apt to have those major events bookend a harrowing time of my life; the first time I knew something was majorly wrong, and the final dissolution of my marriage. 

So what next?  No contact with my daughter for so long now.  I'm still vacillating about the maintenance aspect.  In the meantime, my HR department informed me that my ex wife wrote to my company bosses in the USA with many allegations about me.  They are very senior Silicon Valley business leaders.  She is a very foolish girl, as she also works in tech, and she has embarrassed herself with people who are on first name terms with the like of Larry Ellison and Jeff Bezos.  Apparently this sort of behaviour is quite common amongst bitter ex-spouses, and is always categorically ignored.  Ironically enough, they rewarded me with a few thousand extra shares in the company as a valued employee of 5 years who has been through a hard time.  I should reach out and thank my ex, really

Glad that you are sorted..
Did you get a divorce in the UK or Russia??
If Russia, hope that the divorce papers were apostiled before you received them, as there is a possibility that the Uk will not accept these documents without being apostiled..
Good Luck for the future..