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Author Topic: Tale of an Abusive Marriage  (Read 33590 times)

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Offline msmoby

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #100 on: October 23, 2017, 03:23:25 PM »
I'm sure I posted this before

I must say that Leslied 'advice' is most ill-advised and would not be the advice of any practitioner of Family Law

I'm no lawyer and certainly not an international family law practice lawyer.  I don't think msmoby is either.  Therefore I know I'm not qualified to give advice in this area and I don't think he is qualified to render legal advice on Leslied's comments either.

All advice on the forum can be accepted or ignored at the readers choice.   

As in the case of most issues involving legal matters, I think people would be wise to consult an actual qualified attorney before acting unilaterally on matters of legal separation, spousal support and child support.

I'm not claiming to be a Family Lawyer, but I DO have plenty of disputed custody experience and my sister is professionally qualified - in the UK - and read this - and rolled her eyes ...

 
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Online B.B.

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #101 on: October 23, 2017, 07:14:04 PM »
Les isn't giving legal advice.  He is describing a mild version of what I refer to as "the other way of solving things".

B/B
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Offline Scampo

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #102 on: October 23, 2017, 07:28:45 PM »
IMO leslied's thoughts are a good framework.  Conventional divorce scenarios do not apply with this woman - all bets are off with someone who compulsively lies, twists reality beyond recognition, and cannot be reasoned with in any way.  The sheer vindictiveness of this divorce is shocking.  The woman will hound me for the rest of my life and make endless, spiralling demands unless I am very firm.  Having known her for five years, I'm painfully aware of her modus operandi.  Ultra high conflict personalities do not change.  A quick example of the crazy-making vitriol: she popped up on WhatsApp a few weeks ago with a very nasty message telling me that I can see my daughter if I sign an agreement to pay her USD 50,000 (money I do not have) and 5,000 USD/month. I refused.  That exchange was paraphrased to the Russian court the following week, unsupported by evidence, that she had offered time with my daughter and I had expressed lack of interest.  In the same exchange, she was again threatening to write to senior managers at my company, and again told me that she is working with journalists in Russia on an article exposing me as a violent alcoholic thug who enslaved her.  Oh yeah, and I was accused of being a Nazi (an actual neo-Nazi) in her affidavit to the Russia court.  Urgh, she is a sick human being, and entirely delusional.

I've consulted lawyers in both SG and RU, as well as examining my own conscience, and the plan is to pay relatively small, albeit useful, money for the moment, and then offer private school fees a few years down the road.





Offline Contrarian

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #103 on: October 23, 2017, 07:43:43 PM »
IIRC you twice took her back and you’ve made extraordinary efforts. I see the opinion offered by Les as the only workable possibility for a future with your daughter.

I am wondering if the woman has been drug tested? Please don’t take this question the wrong way. It just seems a logical question to be sure your daughter is safe for the time being.

I wish you well in the future, you certainly deserve much better luck.

Offline Lord of the Dance

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #104 on: October 23, 2017, 08:22:17 PM »
Much like preferring to be broke over being in debt, I'd rather be alone than be involved with such a difficult person. Sorry about your situation Scampo, hope everything works out. Doug S.
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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #105 on: October 23, 2017, 11:42:18 PM »
In the same exchange, she was again threatening to write to senior managers at my company, and again told me that she is working with journalists in Russia on an article exposing me as a violent alcoholic thug who enslaved her. 

I've consulted lawyers in both SG and RU, as well as examining my own conscience, and the plan is to pay relatively small, albeit useful, money for the moment, and then offer private school fees a few years down the road.

Scampo, Perhaps I mentioned your ex has a sister, my brothers ex. They are like two peas in a pod. While I can not comment on the suggestion of Leslie it sounds like you have a plan.

What I sense is a weakness with regards to your employer. I would present a rather complete dossier to management explaining the reality and suggesting that she might try to stir up trouble for you at the 'work place.' Other sensible suggestions have been made and I would consider what fits your situation.

In the what it is worth department my brother now has sole custody of his children, 9, 11 and 12 years old, which is highly unusual in the States. It did not help that the ex's three children went before with the grandparent in front of the judge asking to be removed from the mother's care. The stories that has since come up are crazy but in reality very sad.
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Offline msmoby

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #106 on: October 24, 2017, 01:26:59 AM »
Les isn't giving legal advice.  He is describing a mild version of what I refer to as "the other way of solving things".

B/B

You know, B,B - I got that - but it was still AWFUL 'advice' ...  No matter how awful a marriage ends - our offspring are innocents and Mama will be sure to tell Natasha that 'life is hard, because your biological Dad was a *snip*"..



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Online B.B.

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #107 on: October 24, 2017, 02:17:16 AM »
Mama will be sure to tell Natasha that 'life is hard, because your biological Dad was a *snip*"..

Sounds like that's a done deal, no matter what.

B/B
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Offline msmoby

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #108 on: October 24, 2017, 02:27:08 AM »

Mama will be sure to tell Natasha that 'life is hard, because your biological Dad was a *snip*"..

Sounds like that's a done deal, no matter what.

B/B

Exactly, until Natasha finds out that Dadio never stopped putting in hands in his pocket ..

I'm speaking from experience, btw
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Offline Scampo

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #109 on: October 24, 2017, 03:33:45 AM »
Mama will be sure to tell Natasha that 'life is hard, because your biological Dad was a *snip*"..

Sounds like that's a done deal, no matter what.

B/B

Correct.  I could give her close to 100% of my income and live at my mother's house eating instant noodles.  It would make no difference.  This is a woman who had 4 holidays and 15,000 of jewellery in a year, and nice new pair of breasts, who would keep me awake at night for three days straight in a working week, haranguing me until the small hours that that my colleagues' wives had bigger diamonds.

Offline leslied

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #110 on: October 24, 2017, 04:08:12 AM »
I was not offering a legal opinion.  By now Scampo you are no doubt aware that judgements made in unconnected legal jurisdictions are unenforceable on the other side. Also sanity and responsibility are prerequisites when making binding agreements and you know very well that these factors are absent.

My point is very simple really.  Give your soon to be ex-wife as little as possible.  She will squander any money you give and bad mouth you to hell anyway. Your generosity is wasted on her.  Any money you wish to give to your daughter should NOT be given to your ex-wife, who will very likely spend it on herself.  Reserve and release it in such a way that your daughter benefits from it directly.  A private education or finance for Uni (College) are just examples.  Another would be to provide a deposit for her first home.

These gifts are life changing and will very likely reconnect you to your daughter directly.


Offline msmoby

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #111 on: October 24, 2017, 04:21:11 AM »
  This is a woman who had 4 holidays and 15,000 of jewellery in a year, and nice new pair of breasts, who would keep me awake at night for three days straight in a working week, haranguing me until the small hours that that my colleagues' wives had bigger diamonds.

I'm sure that's all true - but what has that to do with Natasha ?

Been there.. worn the t-shirt ..didn't live in the house *I* built for 16 years - but they had a roof over their head ... 

Withdrawing support for the kids - to teach her a lesson - well, you're on a hiding to nothing...

One day, hopefully - Natasha will find out you never stopped caring


Once again, don't be like me - making lot's of mistakes - learn from mine )



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Offline Maxx

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #112 on: October 24, 2017, 07:16:36 AM »
Mama will be sure to tell Natasha that 'life is hard, because your biological Dad was a *snip*"..

Sounds like that's a done deal, no matter what.

B/B

Correct.  I could give her close to 100% of my income and live at my mother's house eating instant noodles.  It would make no difference.  This is a woman who had 4 holidays and 15,000 of jewellery in a year, and nice new pair of breasts, who would keep me awake at night for three days straight in a working week, haranguing me until the small hours that that my colleagues' wives had bigger diamonds.


Misery many times love company. This is a post I posted 10 years ago on this forum:


I may have lost the classic thread by Bean called "Do you wanna be unhappy for the rest of your life? (make a RW your wife)". It was wild. I do have this relatively tame one however.

Quote Bean:

My wife and step daughter are crazy IMHO!

My wife accuses me of "lying to her, cheating her and destroying her life." Acoording to her I have stolen 3 years of her life.

How about if we review the last 3 1/2 years:

1 trip to Spain ( Barcelona and Costa Brava)

1 Trip to Italy ( Rome, Florence, Vienna, Amalfi, Sorrento, Capri etc)

1 Trip to Domincan Republic All Inclusive for 2 Weeks

2 Motor Home trips of 6 weeks plus

2 Sailing trips of 6 weeks plus on a new 40' Catalina sailboat

3 trips to Florida from the Midwest

3 trips to Russia for more than 3 weeks each

1 trip to All inclusive resort in Turkey.

Never worked or contributed in any way to anything.

Demanded money of numerous occaisions. When my parents made a significant $ gift at Christmas she demand 1/2

She is now on the deed to my home and mortgage.


According to her "I have lied to her, cheated her and destroyed her life."

The last time I tried to have a conversation with her she accused me of stealing 3 years from her life.

I tried to point out:

1 She has travelled the world.

2 She has never worked or contibuted to our life.

3 She now speaks English.

4 She is a permament resident of the US.

5 She has a drivers license and a new car. (Buick Rendevous)

6 Her daughter will be a University Graduate in 5 months. ( She has lived with us in the US for 3 + years.)

7 They have destroyed and totalled 2 cars. (Note from Maxx: at last count 3)

8 My step daughter has spent every summer in Russia since they arrived 4 years ago.

9 blah, blah, blah

I could gone forever!

IMHO, you are crazy to marry a RW!

Bean

 I am not done with my "RANT"

Will someone please explain to me how I "lied to her, cheated her and destroyed her life." How did I "steal 3 + years of her life?"

Richard asked if any board members could identify any personality or charcater disorders common to RW. I have tried to establish relationships with other RW/AM couples. Their experience is the same as mine. They (AM) dedicate, sacrifice and and give, give, give. It is never enough or good enough. Give them a 1 and 1/2 carat diamond and as soon as the see a RW with 2 carats.....you have effed up!

My conclusion is that my experience is typical.

My wife and step daughter are not bad people. They are simply products of their environment. They came her for a better life and simply couldn't figure out when they had it.

Needless to say, my marriage is over! This was the biggest mistake of my life!

I can't wait until I am out of this BS!

Bean

BTW, for those of you who suspect I am chauvinistic or demanding and perhaps my mental health is the cause of our failure, please be informed that I never had any domestic expectaions.

I never asked or expected my wife to cook, clean, do laundry or any other domestice "chores." From day one I simply asked her to be happy, enjoy life and try not to be too critical. She couldn't do it! She had platinum credit cards, debi cards, check book etc.

She was simply incapable of not judging me, criticising me and complaining. The more I gave the more she complained!

My experience with my "RW" is bizarre!

Perhaps I am totally at fault. I think I was way too generous in the beginning. I think I created an unrealistic expectation. I loved her and wanted to change her life. I phucked up! Big Time!

She's miserable and so am I. Hopefully we will find a way out of this mess!

Bean

 4 plus years later and they still only speak
russian to each other at home. Right in front of me and all the time.

To my fault and at my expense I still have no idea what they are talking about. All I know is that the vocabulary is harsh, often loud screaming, guttaral and often refers to me.

I have made repeated requests. "english only in the kitchen and dining room, to no avail.

I do know that the aftermath to their conversation is not good for my wife. my step daughter and especially for me.

Had I known I was marrying a woman so I could pay tribute her beauty, intelligence and sophistication I would'nt have gone through with it. If what you say is true and is typical or usual for RW then most of theses marriages are doomed.

It also answers Richard's origianl question regarding common character or personality disorders.

You may be on to something. If you are it needs to be published in the tablets something like this:

"One very good reason to marry an RW is so you will have someone to demean you, insult you and criticize you. Following her critique and condemnation you will be allowed to pay her tribute for her beauty and intelligence."

For the record, I married to have a life partner to love and share my life with.

Bean

Offline Contrarian

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #113 on: October 24, 2017, 08:04:13 AM »
I personally think that the red flags are easy to recognize. Buy her a ring barely above what’s found in a box of Cracker Jacks and if she complains that is a view of the future. Early on she should be completely in love with you and not trivial stuff you buy her. A good pair of boots should be more important because they are practical.

Russian women don’t respect guys like Bean who are pushovers. Can you imagine a Russian man putting up with that shit? Live with her a few months in her home country so that her real personality will come out.

Offline Manny

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #114 on: October 24, 2017, 12:51:41 PM »
Buy her a ring barely above what’s found in a box of Cracker Jacks and if she complains that is a view of the future.

Typical daft Yank greedy view. A single one at that.  :whist11:
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Offline Contrarian

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #115 on: October 24, 2017, 01:01:24 PM »
Buy her a ring barely above what’s found in a box of Cracker Jacks and if she complains that is a view of the future.

Typical daft Yank greedy view. A single one at that.  :whist11:

I don’t especially like jewelry and if I wanted to date a harpy who looks like a glittery peacock I would go to Puerto Rico.  :chuckle:

Offline dcguyusa

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #116 on: October 24, 2017, 05:00:38 PM »
Buy her a ring barely above what’s found in a box of Cracker Jacks and if she complains that is a view of the future.

Typical daft Yank greedy view. A single one at that.  :whist11:

I don’t especially like jewelry and if I wanted to date a harpy who looks like a glittery peacock I would go to Puerto Rico.  :chuckle:

Not the best place to travel for vacation now.  Unless you like living without electricity and food/water.   :o

Many years ago, one of my aunts got into problems with her husband (he was spending too much time with his relatives and at work) and sought sole custody of their two young children (under 10).  Many in the family told her to allow her ex to visit with their children in exchange for child support.  She refused and filed for divorce for sole custody.  Then she went asking for financial help from the other family members.  So she wanted to have it her own way and for the rest of the family to become the "surrogate husband".  Nearly all of the relatives gave her some money (it was never enough) and finally had enough of her pleas and she ended up on welfare. :'(

I haven't heard anything from the father after the divorce.  The children are now grown adults.  I do not think they hold anything against their father.  I think they probably feel that their mom was being very selfish by not allowing him to visit with them.

Good luck to you.  It is not a good situation.
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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #117 on: October 24, 2017, 08:45:48 PM »
Maxx's post above is a good example of how we guys get 'confused' by believing that what we read is true because it fits in with our worldview.

I met the woman in question. Very attractive woman, not young. Looking as she did required a lot of time on her part and not a little money. Her husband for all the bragging about what he 'gave her' only recalled the stuff that he enjoyed, it was all for him. All about him. As it happened, the guy blew his wad, destroyed his life and business in a fantasy in which his wife was a centrepiece. During the process he never understood his wife as a person.

I have to say that I liked both she and daughter but also that they'd never be compatible with my life. Bean saw someone shiny without understanding what she was or what she needed. He looked for a doll and did not understand the cost. He got a woman and did not understand her needs. The stuff Bean went on about was about his needs, not hers.
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Offline Scampo

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #118 on: October 24, 2017, 09:02:38 PM »
  This is a woman who had 4 holidays and 15,000 of jewellery in a year, and nice new pair of breasts, who would keep me awake at night for three days straight in a working week, haranguing me until the small hours that that my colleagues' wives had bigger diamonds.

I'm sure that's all true - but what has that to do with Natasha ?

Been there.. worn the t-shirt ..didn't live in the house *I* built for 16 years - but they had a roof over their head ... 

Withdrawing support for the kids - to teach her a lesson - well, you're on a hiding to nothing...

One day, hopefully - Natasha will find out you never stopped caring


Once again, don't be like me - making lot's of mistakes - learn from mine )

It was less an example of ex's greed and more an example of how it's very difficult to set appropriate boundaries. 

I'm not going to withdraw support, but I haven't settled on what I am prepared to pay.  And sadly, this does really come down to what I am prepared to pay, as opposed to what she is legally entitled to, as under Russian law that's a quarter of my very high income, for the next 19 years.  Not happening.  My best option so far seems to be to peg it to the UK requirement, which would be about 2000 to 2300 USD a month at current exchange rates.

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #119 on: October 24, 2017, 09:09:08 PM »
  This is a woman who had 4 holidays and 15,000 of jewellery in a year, and nice new pair of breasts, who would keep me awake at night for three days straight in a working week, haranguing me until the small hours that that my colleagues' wives had bigger diamonds.

I'm sure that's all true - but what has that to do with Natasha ?

Been there.. worn the t-shirt ..didn't live in the house *I* built for 16 years - but they had a roof over their head ... 

Withdrawing support for the kids - to teach her a lesson - well, you're on a hiding to nothing...

One day, hopefully - Natasha will find out you never stopped caring


Once again, don't be like me - making lot's of mistakes - learn from mine )

It was less an example of ex's greed and more an example of how it's very difficult to set appropriate boundaries. 

I'm not going to withdraw support, but I haven't settled on what I am prepared to pay.  And sadly, this does really come down to what I am prepared to pay, as opposed to what she is legally entitled to, as under Russian law that's a quarter of my very high income, for the next 19 years.  Not happening.  My best option so far seems to be to peg it to the UK requirement, which would be about 2000 to 2300 USD a month at current exchange rates.

After all the misery she put you through? Give her two or three hundred bucks a month until she learns some humility.  :coffeeread:

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #120 on: October 25, 2017, 12:40:43 AM »
Bean saw someone shiny without understanding what she was or what she needed. He looked for a doll and did not understand the cost. He got a woman and did not understand her needs. The stuff Bean went on about was about his needs, not hers.

This is common with us men. We see a beautiful woman that turns us on and fantasize what a great life we can give them (really ourselves) and how appreciative they will be to us. Men have an inner desire to provide and protect their women. Most men that is. Andrew, you met this woman. What should Bean done differently with her? Was there anyway he could have acted or been to get peace at the home? Or were they never made for each other and nothing could ever work with them?

My take on her was she was very immature and shallow. Also I recall she and her daughter used to physically fight with each other. Maybe I'm crossing my recollection with another RW but I remember an incident of the daughter striking her mother in the head (or the other way around) with a rock out in the front of their house and blood pouring out.

My conclusion on all of this is:
1) Really spend the time to get to know your woman.
2) Look first for a mature woman who won't spend you into the ground.
3) If they reveal their true face and it ain't pretty get out quickly.
4) Don't throw money at a hopeless cause. I never works.

I got a A+ on 3 and 4 with my RW. But on 1 and 2, a failing grade. There are people who know things and there are people who KNOW things. I'm in the later group now.

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #121 on: October 25, 2017, 02:41:08 AM »
From what I recall of stuff a decade and a half ago, Bean was simply an American guy who did not understand the time and work it takes to look as this woman looked. He thought that his wife sprang out of bed every morning looking as she did and couldn't understand why she wasn't willing to change the needed regime to suit him.

There's a reason why a lovely woman looks lovely and it isn't an accident that she looks that way.

If you want to have a successful relationship with anyone then understanding of each other is important. They both got that wrong, and but Bean was, in my recall, much more at fault. He said what he wanted, and his wife tried give it to him while at the same time he was undermining her ability to do so.

How happy was his wife on a sailing boat, wind and spray lashed, in cold uncomfortable water. Bean in his element thinking his too expensive sail boat was impressing his uncomfortable wife. How happy was his wife to be told that, as a highly qualified medical practitioner that she was now expected to be a glamorous greeter at his failing restaurant - that the work she was doing for him was to be prostituted so that he could save a minimum wage hire?

Understand the person. Failing that fence is where you go wrong. Not just Bean, but I am sure, you, maxx, and others. Understand before you marry and after.

In simple terms, maxx, I understood about the poor woman that Bean married, that which I needed to know within a few moments. Bean didn't and yet he had the same information that I did and he had a lot more time.
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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #122 on: October 25, 2017, 03:02:26 AM »
How happy was his wife on a sailing boat, wind and spray lashed, in cold uncomfortable water. Bean in his element thinking his too expensive sail boat was impressing his uncomfortable wife.

While I do not know which waters they sailed in I wondered about this as well, a 40 foot Catalina is a nice if not rather basic boat. But most women are uncomfortable with the abstract concept of sailing. 10 degrees of heel or a a splash of water coming over the fore deck is enough for some women to induce panic. Add the fact that a 40 foot sailboat has the same interior volume as say a 25 foot caravan/camper and you have a good mix for discomfort or worse.
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Offline msmoby

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #123 on: October 25, 2017, 05:11:21 AM »

How happy was his wife on a sailing boat, wind and spray lashed, in cold uncomfortable water. Bean in his element thinking his too expensive sail boat was impressing his uncomfortable wife.

While I do not know which waters they sailed in I wondered about this as well, a 40 foot Catalina is a nice if not rather basic boat. But most women are uncomfortable with the abstract concept of sailing. 10 degrees of heel or a a splash of water coming over the fore deck is enough for some women to induce panic. Add the fact that a 40 foot sailboat has the same interior volume as say a 25 foot caravan/camper and you have a good mix for discomfort or worse.

Best EVER holiday we have had was on a VERY basic 28' ex Charter ( yacht) Sailboat ...

It's been my dream to find a woman who likes the rough and tumble ( and temporary dampness) associated with yachting and if it is done in warm seas - with short trips to beautiful locations... it can be the perfect holiday.

Those with longish memories will remember we got caught in a localised storm off the southern Turkish coast  - that came out of no-where and we had to make for a Greek Island - for safety reasons - SC had to take the helm whilst I sorted out a crisis of my own stupidity at the front of the boat and although scared sh1tless - did a sterling job of keeping the wind at the correct angle off our rear quarter for the five minutes I needed.

Sailing together is actually a good test of a relationship....  If the skipper is careful and ensures the trips aren't arduous and plan B's are available destinations.

This picture was taken the morning after the 'scare' - hardly looks as if madam is unimpressed or uncomfortable - in fact such holidays are now annual events










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Offline Lord of the Dance

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Re: Tale of an Abusive Marriage
« Reply #124 on: October 25, 2017, 08:24:22 AM »
I conclude that 'Bean' is a sobriquet(?). If not, that's a problem right there!
"My soul cries out with a joyful shout that the God of my heart is great, and my spirit sings of the wondrous things that you bring to the ones who wait." - Canticle of the Turning


 

 

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