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Author Topic: smooth sailing then brick wall  (Read 4803 times)

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Offline jp5888

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smooth sailing then brick wall
« on: July 20, 2014, 06:19:45 AM »
I hope someone has some good advice, because I'm fresh out of ideas.  I have been seeing just one lady for about a year and a half.  We met in person almost a year ago now in Kiev.  She met me at the airport, we had a great time and hit it off from the start.  We talk every day and sometimes during the night.  We met a second time in the Dominican Republic in December and were even closer.  After this meeting we decided we were a perfect couple and worked on the K1 Visa paperwork, it was submitted in March and still pending review.  A week ago, about on my birthday, I got a rather cold birthday wish, wishing me the best in my life...  Ever since our second meeting she has been very affectionate with her words, true love, etc.  Then, for about a week, just talked to me like an acquaintance and only once or twice a day.  I asked if she still loved me, and she said that she can't leave her family now because war is close and her mom is sick.  She thinks I should pull the visa application from USCIS.  In addition, I have already booked airfare to come see her in about 4 weeks.  I understand those problems and I offered every possible solution.  I just don't understand why she turned so cold towards me, especially when were this close.  I am just sick about all this and now I can't even get a response out of her.  I would appreciate any advice anyone has out there, I really thought we were perfect, if you would see how much we talked every day and what was said you would understand. 

Offline Larry

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #1 on: July 20, 2014, 07:00:44 AM »
...A week ago, about on my birthday, I got a rather cold birthday wish, wishing me the best in my life...  Ever since our second meeting she has been very affectionate with her words, true love, etc.  Then, for about a week, just talked to me like an acquaintance and only once or twice a day.  I asked if she still loved me, and she said that she can't leave her family now because war is close and her mom is sick.  She thinks I should pull the visa application from USCIS... now I can't even get a response out of her.  I would appreciate any advice anyone has out there, I really thought we were perfect, if you would see how much we talked every day and what was said you would understand.

I would say this relationship is over.  You might consider doing as she suggests and withdrawing your application for a fiancée visa to bring her here.  We are limited to only two such visas in our lifetimes.  It's possible that by withdrawing your application at this stage that this one won't count against this limit.

These relationships are often very difficult to succeed with, for various reasons.  To find a wife in FSU you generally must be very persistent.  It looks like you two were seeing each other every six months.  I highly recommend more frequent visits with your next FSUW.  Absence doesn't make the heart grow fonder.

Offline jp5888

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #2 on: July 20, 2014, 09:20:31 AM »
It is just strange, I never saw it coming.  It was like a light switch was hit overnight.  I know her mom is not well, was in the hospital for a week.  I offered ever help I could be, but nothing.  There was also someone she knew killed in the Ukrainian military, which I think did something to her.  I was just hoping she would snap out of it after a few days, but it didn't happen.  I think you are right about the application, it is just hard to say when you have the emotions behind it.  It is hard starting over again after so much and so long.  Sorry for the venting. 


Offline Manny

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #3 on: July 20, 2014, 09:21:54 AM »
Who was going to look after mother if she went to live abroad?

Would you go and live abroad leaving a sick parent in the home country in the midst of a civil war?

Marrying a foreign guy is a nice idea for many until the reality of actually leaving hits.

Also, is mother a strong influence? An aged topic on that subject here.
please tell me where I'm being / have been 'dishonest'? 
Yes, he said that.........

Offline mendeleyev

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #4 on: July 20, 2014, 09:28:17 AM »
First off, I agree with Larry and with Manny.

That being said, next time with a lady be sure to delay the "honeymoon" (DR trip) until after you've invested significant time in the world in which she lives. Personally, I'd hold off on honeymoon trips until after the wedding. Lives in the FSU are very interconnected for most families and you need to have sufficient time invested, in her surroundings, to be considered a part of the family by her family, by her friends, etc. The more roots you plant in her immediate environment, the easier it will be to build a long term relationship with her in any part of the greater world.

What those things and events did was to remind her of where home really is, and where it is not. All those things could have happened when married and now you have a sense of the challenges inherent in international marriages.

In my experience, and of course there are the rare exceptions, the more time invested on the ground and in her immediate environment, the stronger a relationship can grow and the more durable it can be to overcome the bumps of life.

Offline Larry

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #5 on: July 20, 2014, 09:58:31 AM »
It is just strange, I never saw it coming.  It was like a light switch was hit overnight.

I have been in that situation myself.  Well, perhaps not precisely in that situation, because I've learned to notice the warning signs, which in my experience almost always are there before the relationship goes up in smoke.

A lot of these girls are able to turn off their feelings quickly and abruptly.  The year I began my FSUW search I became engaged to a girl who showed more love than anyone else I've ever known.  Then within the space of two months I noticed the signs of that love quickly dying.

Quote
It is hard starting over again after so much and so long.

I want to address this point because this is a common reaction among guys in this search. You have put a great deal of time and energy into your search and have developed strong feelings for a particular girl, feelings which you believe were, at least at one time, mutual.  You wonder why her feelings could have changed so much and so abruptly, and you nurture a hope that you can get her back.  It is very likely that she will not change her mind and that you cannot get her back.

There is a concept in economics called "sunk costs".  You have invested something (usually money but it can also be time and emotions) and you want to continue on because you don't want to "lose" what you have invested.  But it is wise to decide on your next move without regard to these sunk costs.

Offline Maxx

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #6 on: July 20, 2014, 10:18:58 AM »
There is a concept in economics called "sunk costs".  You have invested something (usually money but it can also be time and emotions) and you want to continue on because you don't want to "lose" what you have invested.  But it is wise to decide on your next move without regard to these sunk costs.

I have heard it described as the "Previous Investment Trap." I seen some things with my ex-RW that told me that it wasn't all going to be wine and roses but I rationalized it all away as "we have came this far."

As far as the OP goes. Yes he should spend a lot of time with her at her home. But can he? Very few people have the ability to do this with jobs and mortgages.

Offline jp5888

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2014, 10:37:31 AM »
I know you are all correct, just really hard to accept.  I wanted to visit her family the first time I came in, but she wasn't ready to introduce them yet.  I did often see her mother on Skype and was really looking forward to seeing her.  I saw her nieces a lot on Skype as well.  I sent things for all of them several times.  Her mother would always come over and try to talk with me when we were on.  Her sisters family lives 5 minute walk away.  I fully understand the importance of family and was doing the best I could to build that relationship.  I was only a few weeks away from seeing them all in person.  She lived out of the country for 4 years previously for work and assured me it was not a problem for her.  I guess lessons learned, although I'm not entirely sure how to avoid all of them again. 

Offline Maxx

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2014, 11:03:38 AM »

jp, you don't know me. 11 years ago my brief marriage failed. I have had contact with many men in my situation. For most men myself included love does not switch off suddenly. Larry up thread said, "A lot of these girls are able to turn off their feelings quickly and abruptly" that seems to be true from my observations. For a man it usually is more difficult. I think it has something to do with the way our brains are wired. The man a persistent hunter and the woman back at the cave multitasking quickly switching from one chore to another. What I found out that works the best is to change the hunt. Or as Russian men so bluntly say "Find another woman." If things don't work out with her then try to quickly move on. Good luck.

Offline jp5888

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2014, 11:11:19 AM »
Thanks for the advice, I think it is sound.  She really did flip the emotion switch, literally overnight.  I'm definitely wired that way, guess I will have to keep my guard up a little more now.  I'm going to try and move on, just had so many plans made for the very near future.  She seemed so excited for it as well.  There is a fine line between moving more quickly to keep her interest and determining long term viability.  Just trying to get out of the funk I'm in now.  I have airline ticket for 4 weeks from now as well, plus the visa to cancel. 

Online B.B.

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #10 on: July 20, 2014, 11:15:12 AM »
I would say this relationship is over.  You might consider doing as she suggests and withdrawing your application for a fiancée visa to bring her here. We are limited to only two such visas in our lifetimes.  It's possible that by withdrawing your application at this stage that this one won't count against this limit.

I think this lasts about until a guy files his third K1 (which, one imagines, is not going to be too many guys).  Marriage is a fundamental right, as we are so often told by the people who think that dewds should be allowed to marry other dewds*, and so forth, and I find it hard to believe that "Maria Cantwell's Feminist *snip*tery" is going to survive strict scrutiny.

B/B

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Online B.B.

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #11 on: July 20, 2014, 11:18:10 AM »
Thanks for the advice, I think it is sound.  She really did flip the emotion switch, literally overnight.

It may seem like it's 'overnight' to you, but probably she was thinking about this for a while.  Not that that makes it suck less, but it's likely the case.

I'm going to try and move on, just had so many plans made for the very near future.  She seemed so excited for it as well.  There is a fine line between moving more quickly to keep her interest and determining long term viability. Just trying to get out of the funk I'm in now.  I have airline ticket for 4 weeks from now as well, plus the visa to cancel.

That's the thing.  Even if you took her back now (assuming she came around, or could be convinced) how long would it be until something else became a problem?  Like homesickness or something else.  Better to get this figured out now, rather than after the marriage.

B/B
Saving the World, One Clue at a Time
If your religion insults my intelligence, don't be surprised when my intelligence insults your religion.

Offline Maxx

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #12 on: July 20, 2014, 11:33:12 AM »
Just trying to get out of the funk I'm in now.  I have airline ticket for 4 weeks from now as well, plus the visa to cancel.

Sounds to me the conditions are perfect for your getting out of your funk. Find an agency and contact some women. Go over there and meet them. Do some tourist things. It doesn't have to be a marriage quest. You might come back with a whole new outlook on the possibilities for you. Go look at some women's profiles now.

Offline sharonhaber00

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #13 on: July 20, 2014, 11:56:40 AM »
A lot of these girls are able to turn off their feelings quickly and abruptly.  The year I began my FSUW search I became engaged to a girl who showed more love than anyone else I've ever known.  Then within the space of two months I noticed the signs of that love quickly dying.

That's why I advice against the FSUW thing. If happens happens, but aspire to it - no. Invest the same resources and energy locally and you will do.
Nadie no sabe lo que tiene hasta el día que lo pierde.

Offline sashathecat

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Re: smooth sailing then brick wall
« Reply #14 on: July 20, 2014, 12:18:05 PM »
Damn, that really sucks. I feel for you on this one. Larry and the guys all give good advice. A lot can happen in between the time you are able to see each other. The longer it is the more it can unravel unfortunately.


 

 

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