Complicated situation need help

[ezguyhere]

I have been dating this one girl from Ukraine since one year, I have met her twice, we both love each other very much.

I am divorced and have a daughter from previous marriage.

The problem is my fiance does not want anything to do with my daughter.

She wants me to move to another city and live there.

I do not know what to do. I do not want to lose her.

I told her we will move to another city, but now when i think about it. I have a good paying job and I do not want to leave the job and look for other jobs. I do not want to tell her we cannot move to another city.

my daughter stays with me once or twice a week during the evening.

So confused. I love her so much. She says she loves me very much.

Should I tell her we cannot move to another city and Risk us breaking our relationship ?

[TomT]

Your fiancée strikes me as being very selfish and this would get very tiresome as your relationship matures. It isn't unusual for Ukrainian men to walk away from their parental responsibilities so she probably doesn't understand that there is a different tradition in the West. Now that you have made the unwise commitment to move, you have at least three problems.

[sashathecat]

How far away is the new city? I assume it would mean less of your daughter.

My SO other not accepting my daughter would be a deal breaker for me.

[Halo]

What a dilemma.  Dump my child or dump a woman I've never lived with and, in reality, barely know, who has already exhibited a lack of empathy, a lack of respect for family, and a lack of respect of me.

Maya Angelou once said “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."

This woman has shown you who she is.   Believe it.

OTOH, you have already decided your penis is more important than your child.  So, do  your daughter a favour, and tell her mother you are more interested in a new woman than in your daughter and sever ties now. 

You and your new woman deserve each other.

[2tallbill]

The problem is my fiance does not want anything to do with my daughter.

Dump her (the fiancee) and find a woman who has given birth, they
will better understand parental bonds.

Udachi !

Bill

[WestCoast]

The problem is my fiance does not want anything to do with my daughter.

Dump her (the fiancee) and find a woman who has given birth, they
will better understand parental bonds.

Udachi !

Bill

ezguyhere got to go with Bill, Halo and others on this. She's not worth the trouble. Asking you to leave your daughter and to give up your good paying job in this economy. Just plain wrong.

[Orchid]

Anyone who has extra daughter can give her to me.
It’s a dream of my life.
So, I would be happy with daughter, and you are without.

[TomT]

I wonder if English is ezguy's first language. Most native speakers would write "for a year," as opposed to "since one year." (Russian speakers sometimes choose the wrong preposition.)

[Orchid]

I wonder if English is ezguy's first language. Most native speakers would write "for a year," as opposed to "since one year." (Russian speakers sometimes choose the wrong preposition.)

You think he is a spy?? How exciting!!!!!
James Bond, I want your daughter!!!

[TomT]

Actually, I doubt that he is from the UK.

[Net_Lenka]

The problem is my fiance does not want anything to do with my daughter.

Dump her (the fiancee) and find a woman who has given birth, they
will better understand parental bonds.

Udachi !

Bill

I doubt that "given birth" is a clue for determination a woman who would happily accept a child from another woman ( especially a girl) More over it's enoughcases when "new wife" changes her attitude to "former child" exactly after given a birth to own kid - as she has own idea about "protection" of her own family
 
It's indeed "culture difference" not pleasant one but it's what you got in a set with " family oriented FSU women" who see those  kids from previouse marriage like a threat .

 Of course you could find a FSU woman  who would be wize at least to make a happy face, but in many case it would be a problem wich could be solved in one or another way ( including a variant "move on to another one")  at a stage before you "fall in love"

[Net_Lenka]

Anyone who has extra daughter can give her to me.
It’s a dream of my life.
So, I would be happy with daughter, and you are without.

Do you have any experience of dealing with step daughter? Or it's just a way to show out?
PS BTW step daughters go in a set with former wives as they are not orphans - think you would be happy with "her" as well? )

[Mikeav8r]

There is only one possible answer to this.  You never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever (did I say ever?) put someone between you and your child(ren)!!!  For even considering it for a nano second you need to be smacked 

This woman has never lived with you...claims she loves you, yet she is asking you to do something no FSUW in her right mind (or any mother for that matter) would EVER consider.

Dump her and move on.  She may have already lost respect for you anyway after considering her proposal.

The step mother idea that Net_Lenka's proposed above (even if it were to work out that way) is too risky to try.  What if it takes 3 years to have her own child and she is EVIL step mom until then?  It could ruin your relationship with your daughter.

Dump her...period.

Tom - I noticed that Russ English as well and agree....

[Ladine]

why Russian women do not want Western children? it's just a fear mentality and upbringing. children are very free in the west and actions are protected by the law re. our parenting is very different from the West. Our children are always broken. Because parents. this is a high level and they should fix it. Family problem. is a big problem in the relationship.

[Ladine]

[Ladine]

There is only one possible answer to this.  You never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever (did I say ever?) put someone between you and your child(ren)!!!  For even considering it for a nano second you need to be smacked 

This woman has never lived with you...claims she loves you, yet she is asking you to do something no FSUW in her right mind (or any mother for that matter) would EVER consider.

Dump her and move on.  She may have already lost respect for you anyway after considering her proposal.

The step mother idea that Net_Lenka's proposed above (even if it were to work out that way) is too risky to try.  What if it takes 3 years to have her own child and she is EVIL step mom until then?  It could ruin your relationship with your daughter.

Dump her...period.

Tom - I noticed that Russ English as well and agree....

you're right. never allow it. This selfishness.

[mendeleyev]

ezguyhere, I certainly understand what Ladine is saying and you are looking at one potential culture difference here.

However there are good RW/UW who understand motherhood and I am so blessed that my situation is very different from what you've described. You are in love with a fantasy that you've met twice, that is all, and her demands are unraveling that fantasy--that is why you came here. The first person you need to consider is your daughter and if you don't understand that then we can't help you.

Second, the Ukrainian girl has an agenda. There is a reason why she wants to be in another city and regardless of the reasons she has given you she is probably lying. Who is in that city already that she needs to be close by? Is it a relative or perhaps a lover with whom she longs to be reunited?

My guess is that you've stumbled upon some arm candy and robbed the cradle in so doing. Dump this one and next time find one who has some maturity and a few more years life experience. With her around your daughter the atmosphere will be poison and you are hurting your little girl every moment you hang onto this bimbo.

[andrewfi]

Ladine, what is being described is not a 'Russian' or 'Ukrainian' thing, it is a 'person' thing.

Jealousy, which is probably the root of this, is a common enough trait.

The new woman wants to ensure that she gets as big a slice of the resources allocated to her and her needs as possible. She probably does not want to be mummy to somebody else's kid. I can understand both these things. Many men are just the same, possibly for different reasons, but jealousy is a part of it though.

But yes, this is not the way to make a relationship and I have to confess, the fact that the guy has agreed to go along with this, at this time, does not tell us much that is good about him.

I can't understand why this would even be a question, at least not until such a time as the guy has lost contact with the child anyway. Before guys get all bent out of shape about this, it is reported that, in the UK, around 50% of fathers lose regular contact (weekends and holidays) with their kids 2 or 3 years after divorce so, in truth, the issue might be a transient one anyway. That said, tossing one's kid aside by choice rather than imposed circumstance seems selfish and cold hearted.

[regina]

When we were members of the GG Forum(before Manny got it), there was such a thread "My America". Two women told us about their relationships with step-daughters.
One newlywed was a very young girl of about 19 and her husband was about 40. He had a 12-year old daughter from the previous marriage  who spent every weekend with her father.She(the daughter) was horribly jealous. She couldn't stand seeing her Daddy kissing a new wife. She simply tormented her, ordered(!) to buy expensive dresses and perfume, complained to her father  of rudeness of the young step-mother which wasn't the truth. It was a real nightmare created by the girl, not the woman.  She had lived in that hell for two or three years before they moved to another city.The father couldn't do anything with his daughter, he even believed in her tales at first. But he was clever enough to check everything and understand the situation. Now they live very happily.
The other step-mother was a mature woman in her late 30th. She brought her own 15-year old daughter with her to the USA. Her husband was much older than her. Now he is a pensioner already . He was divorced but his children were adults living with their own families in different towns, so they met a few times a year. Actually, her husband was a Granddad already. So his new wife was in a very good terms with all her husband's children, by the way, he adopted her daughter as his own child. But! He had a very big house which had been built before his divorce. And once, all of a sudden, one of his adult daughters who was single, decided that she had all the rights to live in that house, that it belongs to her father's previous family, not to the Russian step-mother. She moved in. Nobody was able to stop her from it. And since then the life of the family turned into a real horror film. She broke and ruined everything in the house. Her father was unable to manage this situation. And they became slaves of that furious young American girl. But they agreed to this , because they love each other and don't even think of divorce . Unfortunately, that Forum was closed and I don't know the end of this story.
But I think that love(if it's love not just lust)is worth fighting for it even if it means the fight with your children.

[Halo]

The so called "father" in the first case is a degenerate and a wimp.  First, he goes to a foreign country to buy arm candy, a girl that, a decade earlier, would have been playing in a sandbox with his daughter.  He did so without considering he has a daughter at home, on the verge of adolescence, at an age where she requires a real father in her life.  Then, he abandons his daughter by moving away from the "problem" rather than dealing with it like a real man would.  That 19 year old sure picked a winner.  

Eventually, he will abandon his daughter completely and start a new family with his decades younger wife, all the while complaining about the child support he must pay to the ungrateful child.  Finally, when he and his daughter are estranged, he will blame her, not realizing that as a father, he was nothing.  These are also the men who usually run around lamenting the loss of "traditional" values in Western society.

[Turboguy]

What a dilemma.  Dump my child or dump a woman I've never lived with and, in reality, barely know, who has already exhibited a lack of empathy, a lack of respect for family, and a lack of respect of me.

OTOH, you have already decided your penis is more important than your child.  So, do  your daughter a favor, and tell her mother you are more interested in a new woman than in your daughter and sever ties now. 

You make some good points and I pretty much agree with you however on the other hand.

Children these days don't seem to have the family bond they had in the past.  Now they grow up, move across the country and if you are lucky you get a phone call on Christmas.  Of course there may be lots of other phone calls when they need money or help with something or they may move back when when their unemployment runs out and they can't afford rent and it is either live with family or picking between the park bench and living in the car.

To me there is some logic behind choosing your penis over your children.  After all your children will vanish from your life and your penis will always be with you.  Well that is unless you make a bad choice in the woman to marry such as Lorena Bobbitt. 

[Halo]

They don't have the family bond they did in the past because they grow up without parents, or with a father whose penis thinks for him.

A child can be across the country but still, as an adult, have a connection with his/her parents.

In the case of the OP and the father described, both demonstrated that their pre adolescent children were inconsequential.  The child understands this, innately.  So, of course, when that child grows up, her father will not be relevant in her life.

[2tallbill]

But I think that love(if it's love not just lust)is worth fighting for it even if it means the fight with your children.

The first guy in my opinion is a card carrying screw-up. He will screw up any
situation that crosses his narcissist path. There is no solution for the first guy.

I think that men have a huge responsibility to deal with these problems up front
as much as possible before getting married. Most teenagers / adult kids want
their divorced parents to be happy but will be resentful if not brought on board
with the who, what, why etc.

Newly divorced men often have a bigger problem, sometimes the kids haven't
really given up on the idea that you might rekindle things with their mom. Talk, 
talk and talk some more.

Talk to your girl about potential problems with kids and talk, talk, talk.

A few years ago I went to Dnepropetrovsk and met a good girl. Things didn't
work out between us, she got married to a guy in the USA. 99% of their
disagreements are about his kids and his inaction / inability to enforce
any rules with any consistency with them.

[Ladine]

guys are all well said. but ... no one takes into account the transitional age children who begin to have problems psychologically during puberty? And it often takes sometimes with 14 up to 25 years. in this period is always very pronounced selfishness.


Thank you Andrew. I was not attentive. But we often themselves be selfish towards children especially during the period of transition to adulthood

[andrewfi]

Ladine, I am sure that that you were not being inattentive. I have a slight problem when people make accusations of others in general that are simply not borne out by fact.

There often seems, even though men here are supposed to be interested in marriage to women from this part of the world, an implied sense of superiority to the people from eastern Europe. It gets my goat.

And yes, sometimes people from eastern Europe end up buying into these prejudices and accepting them as some kind of truth about themselves, and that is even worse.

We can all be selfish, we can all be cruel and inconsiderate and there is no geographic region with any kind of monopoly on any negative human traits. It'd help many folks to understand these issues.
For example, I reckon that what I have read about the woman in the original post is not abnormal. I am also sure we did not have the whole story. But we need to understand the pressures on people coming together in new relationships.

In the OP the bloke simply did not 'get it'. He was he gatekeeper, the one with the ability to influence outcomes. The incoming woman is a cuckoo in the nest and it makes perfect sense for her to want to maximise her security, she simply vocalised that which others keep silent about - probably she already knew the guy to be a weak man.

I can understand that.

As the gatekeeper, I'd hope to be stronger both ethically and emotionally than the man because it was he who allowed the state of affairs. All he had to say was 'no' and the problem would have been solved. He was scared of losing the woman but all he proved was his weakness and, for that, he will suffer, whatever happens next.