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Author Topic: Where was this girl trying to go?  (Read 14595 times)

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Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Where was this girl trying to go?
« on: July 14, 2013, 03:35:27 PM »
I think I found me my first scammer.  I’m 32 she’s 27.  I started talking to her and she seemed to be the first girl I really connected with so I’m thinking this is great.  Then, just now, she didn’t ask me for money, she asked me to buy her clothes.  She says what she wants isn’t available in Ukraine

So at this point, my brain equates this to asking me for money.  So I decide to proceed forward seeing this as possibly a very good learning experience.  I am the naïve type and I am the overly trusting type so thank God I’ve read Manny’s book and this forum so I know the warning signs to look for.

Then it got a little confusing.  And please understand, I’m not hoping anyone here is going to tell me I’m wrong.  It’s more that I know one of my big weaknesses is letting people take advantage of me and trusting anything I’m told.  I guess I’m saying what was the angle here in case the next person does a much better job.

She told me the name of the store.  It’s a store I have heard of from people talking about buying their kids clothes there.  I was just a little surprised.  It’s far from expensive and far from top of the line.  Is that normal?  If someone was going try and get me to buy them things, I was a little surprised it wasn’t higher end.  And I kept talking and she was already talking about me coming to Ukraine, which I said I’d do right off the bat.  But I said it in a way that I wasn’t looking for a penpal, I was looking for a real relationship and understood that meant I had to travel.  So from the beginning she’s talking about it and telling me she help me figure out how to get from an airport to her and help find and apartment.  Then today she’s saying she thought long term I’d move to Ukraine and live with her??

Anyway, the whole point of this post is learning from more experienced people.  So far the book and this forum have kept me out of any trouble or losing any money.  I’m trust trying to understand what the angle is.  I’m not embarrassed to admit I do not understand where this was supposed to go.

Drew

Offline gfinfla

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #1 on: July 14, 2013, 03:42:32 PM »
Ask her to Western Union you some money and you will buy her some clothes ;D

Offline shakespear

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2013, 03:52:17 PM »
She told me the name of the store.  It’s a store I have heard of from people talking about buying their kids clothes there.  I was just a little surprised.  It’s far from expensive and far from top of the line.  Is that normal?  If someone was going try and get me to buy them things, I was a little surprised it wasn't higher end.  And I kept talking and she was already talking about me coming to Ukraine, which I said I’d do right off the bat.  But I said it in a way that I wasn’t looking for a penpal, I was looking for a real relationship and understood that meant I had to travel.  So from the beginning she’s talking about it and telling me she help me figure out how to get from an airport to her and help find and apartment. 

Mixed feelings.  It is not unusual for ladies to become frustrated by repetitive exposures to "keyboard Romeos" who write, skype and video chat without ever really planning on stepping on an airplane.  This frustration could well be what she is expressing to you. 

General advice is that sending money/buying  presents for a lady you haven't yet met face-to-face is dangerous behavior.  You could quite possibly be "scamming yourself" by doing so.  If you decide to do this, admit up front that you have accepted this risk and if a relationship does not develop, the fault is yours not hers.

I would suggest that you schedule a first visit as soon as possible; no longer than 90 days from the initial contact.  Otherwise the ladies might not take you seriously.   

Then today she’s saying she thought long term I’d move to Ukraine and live with her??

IMHO, this kind of statement prior to meeting should be considered a "red flag". 




"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun" - Katharine Hepburn


Offline Manny

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #3 on: July 14, 2013, 04:21:02 PM »
My wife sends a lot of clothes - especially kids clothes - to Russia and Ukraine from various brands here. Also sometimes certain underwear, wonderbras, stockings and other lightweight stuff that carries a premium price abroad.

They know every brand in every country.

Mostly to women she knows or those who find her from other Odnoklassniki friends. She does the leg work and adds a few % + postage and they pay by Paypal or Sberbank transfer.

It only works because she knows all the stuff and where to get it, and because most of the women either know her, or know of her, and know we have a system where stuff 99.9% arrives in the normal mail without issue. Even if it does take five weeks.

I would be surprised to get this from a woman I hadn't met though.

Drew, once you have this woman on the phone, and know she is for real, you can take this stuff out there with you if she is on the level.

How did you meet her?
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Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #4 on: July 14, 2013, 04:29:21 PM »
Thank you for your reply.  I fully agree.  My actions are my responsibility.  I’m not a guy that drinks poison then blames others for my problems.  I don’t have any intention of continuing to talk to this person.  However I think I can understand what you’re saying about ladies getting frustrated from guys stringing them along.  And that’s not something I can blame her for.  The sad part is, I did hit a point in life I was fully prepared to do it.  But that’s beside the point.

I think I can best describe the situation like this.  Asking for money and things such as that, to me is a pretty black and white signal and that’s how I see it.  But there’s always shades of gray involved and that’s what I’m trying to get better at understanding.  It’s one thing to be able to pick up on the warning signs, and it’s another thing to really be able to understand people.

I’m more than happy to say I still have a lot to learn and I do know it.

Offline TomT

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #5 on: July 14, 2013, 04:43:33 PM »
Then today she’s saying she thought long term I’d move to Ukraine and live with her??

This isn't remarkable; many of the brides in international marriages have had this thought go through their minds at one time or the other. With a language barrier, shades of meaning are difficult to discern. For example, you really don't know whether she had planned for you to live in Ukraine, hoped that you might, had fantasies about it or got the idea from something that you might have said/written.

Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #6 on: July 14, 2013, 04:46:17 PM »


I would be surprised to get this from a woman I hadn't met though.

Drew, once you have this woman on the phone, and know she is for real, you can take this stuff out there with you if she is on the level.

How did you meet her?

Thank you for your reply Manny.  I met her on Elena’s Models.  I sort of revised my approach with introductions letters.  I know keep them very short and sweet.  Basically I introduce myself.  I say I’m an American and I how hard that can make things when a lady wants to be able to go home and see her family and friends.  (Side note, I have had girls politely thank me for writing but the US is to far away)  And then I say I understand people have different goals, I’m not looking for a penpal and I fully understand that means I have to get on a plane. (I am saying that with sincerity)

I woke up the next morning to a reply.  She pretty much said she thought it was very important to meet face to face because that’s really the only way you can know if you have good chemistry.  She pretty quickly told me to start planning things.  That might strike someone with experience as odd, but it didn’t strike me as odd.  I know, have never been there, it’s going to take me a very long time to plan things and that’s before I even spend a penny.  So I saw it like this, if I wait two months to see if things are great to start figuring things out, then it’s going to be another two months before I can go.

I have he on skype.  I’ve been trying to get her on video chat.  She says she wants to.  But Pittsburgh to Kherson is proving to be a big challenge.  She does seem to write me a lot.

Let me try and state the big picture.  I want to be smart and keep myself safe.  But I don’t want to turn suspicious and cynical when I need not be if that makes sense.

Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #7 on: July 14, 2013, 04:53:29 PM »
Then today she’s saying she thought long term I’d move to Ukraine and live with her??

This isn't remarkable; many of the brides in international marriages have had this thought go through their minds at one time or the other. With a language barrier, shades of meaning are difficult to discern. For example, you really don't know whether she had planned for you to live in Ukraine, hoped that you might, had fantasies about it or got the idea from something that you might have said/written.

I did try to explain to her.  Ukraine is no big deal to me.  I've hiked around the worst parts of Haiti as a missionary and it only took me a few minutes to adapt to literally being in hell.  When she said it...it was just the logical side of my brain kicking in.  If I love a girl, I'd have no problem moving to be with her.  But as an IT guy focused on Date warehouse work I couldn't figure out how I could be of any value.  If I don't know the language, then there's no way I'm going to understand their computer languages.

And just in case I get the response "that's what you're expecting of her"  I still am old fashioned and think it's my job to support a family regardless of what country I am in.

Offline Paul

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #8 on: July 14, 2013, 04:54:15 PM »
Have you talked to her on the phone yet?

Offline TomT

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #9 on: July 14, 2013, 04:58:37 PM »
But Pittsburgh to Kherson is proving to be a big challenge.

You wrote to her, knowing that she lives in Kherson, correct?


Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #10 on: July 14, 2013, 05:41:00 PM »
Have you talked to her on the phone yet?

No, and to me, that’s another glaring warning sign

Offline missAmeno

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #11 on: July 14, 2013, 05:43:16 PM »
Have you talked to her on the phone yet?

No, and to me, that’s another glaring warning sign

She refused to give you number or you didn't ask?
Hypocrisy is the state of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, ideals, thoughts, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have. Hypocrisy involves the deception of others and is thus a kind of lie.

Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #12 on: July 14, 2013, 05:45:46 PM »
But Pittsburgh to Kherson is proving to be a big challenge.

You wrote to her, knowing that she lives in Kherson, correct?

Yes I did, and my plan was this.  I'm an IT guy and like many IT guys I'm allowed to work from home half my time as long as there are not meetings and such that I need to be physically at.  So far I've tons of meetings concerning a very big project so I haven't worked from home.  My plan had been take my lunch whenever and talk to her then

Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #13 on: July 14, 2013, 05:48:30 PM »
Have you talked to her on the phone yet?

No, and to me, that’s another glaring warning sign

She refused to give you number or you didn't ask?

I didn't ask.  Her phone number is listed on her Skype profile.  She hasn't refused anything as of now.

Offline Paul

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #14 on: July 14, 2013, 06:00:00 PM »
Have you talked to her on the phone yet?

No, and to me, that’s another glaring warning sign

She refused to give you number or you didn't ask?

I didn't ask.  Her phone number is listed on her Skype profile.  She hasn't refused anything as of now.

The very next time that you talk with her (tomorrow hopefully), ask her if you may call her.

Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #15 on: July 14, 2013, 06:14:53 PM »
Have you talked to her on the phone yet?

No, and to me, that’s another glaring warning sign

That sounds like a really good idea because there is no reason
She refused to give you number or you didn't ask?

I didn't ask.  Her phone number is listed on her Skype profile.  She hasn't refused anything as of now.

The very next time that you talk with her (tomorrow hopefully), ask her if you may call her.

That sounds like a really good idea because there is no reason to say no to that

Offline missAmeno

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #16 on: July 14, 2013, 06:23:05 PM »
Drew, how expensive things she asked for?
Hypocrisy is the state of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, ideals, thoughts, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have. Hypocrisy involves the deception of others and is thus a kind of lie.

Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #17 on: July 14, 2013, 06:24:57 PM »


The very next time that you talk with her (tomorrow hopefully), ask her if you may call her.
[/quote]

I think it's crazy to ask for advice then not listen...I just sent the below e-mail.

Hey, we’ve had a hard time finding a time for video chat.  I can easily call you when I’m at work.  That should be early evening when you’re done with work.  Give me your number and I’ll call you tomorrow and we can chat for a bit.

Thank you Paul!

Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #18 on: July 14, 2013, 06:26:13 PM »
Drew, how expensive things she asked for?

Not very expensive and there were not tons of things.  Nothing over 20 dollars American.

Offline TomT

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #19 on: July 14, 2013, 06:53:28 PM »
Hey, we’ve had a hard time finding a time for video chat.  I can easily call you when I’m at work.  That should be early evening when you’re done with work.  Give me your number and I’ll call you tomorrow and we can chat for a bit.

When you are addressing someone who is not a native English speaker, keep the discourse sharply focused.  You started on the subject of video chat and you ended up talking about a telephone conversation... sort of. You have left the door open for misinterpretation.


p.s.  "Hey" could be taken as flippancy or a sign of disrespect. Don't use it.

Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #20 on: July 14, 2013, 07:07:54 PM »
Quote

When you are addressing someone who is not a native English speaker, keep the discourse sharply focused.  You started on the subject of video chat and you ended up talking about a telephone conversation... sort of. You have left the door open for misinterpretation.


p.s.  "Hey" could be taken as flippancy or a sign of disrespect. Don't use it.

Thank you Tom, the things you said are the things I would have not thought of on my own.

Offline TomT

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #21 on: July 14, 2013, 07:20:13 PM »
It's best to avoid exclamations, expletives, slang, idioms, expressions and irony.
You can get yourself into plenty of trouble without 'em.

Offline andrewpttsbrgh

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #22 on: July 14, 2013, 07:29:03 PM »
It's best to avoid exclamations, expletives, slang, idioms, expressions and irony. You can get yourself into plenty of trouble without 'em.

Man down...I'm a Pittsburgh boy.  We have our own language...we're yinzer nation!

On a more serious note...I have worked researching FSU and I'm far from perfect, but I've also learned a lot of do's and don'ts from this message boards and Manny and Olga's book.

I came here because I wanted to meet someone special.  I didn't come here to half ass it.

Offline Mikeav8r

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #23 on: July 14, 2013, 09:53:15 PM »
It's best to avoid exclamations, expletives, slang, idioms, expressions and irony. You can get yourself into plenty of trouble without 'em.

Man down...I'm a Pittsburgh boy.  We have our own language...we're yinzer nation!

On a more serious note...I have worked researching FSU and I'm far from perfect, but I've also learned a lot of do's and don'ts from this message boards and Manny and Olga's book.

I came here because I wanted to meet someone special.  I didn't come here to half ass it.

Andrew,

You have a great attitude and are laying a proper foundation for success.  Keep reading, listening and asking questions and you will remain on the right path.  Use common sense, trust your gut and if it seems to good to be true, even in the FSU, it probably is.  Some members will be a bit harsh at times, but grow thick skin and take it in stride and you will be fine.  Good luck.

M
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Offline ashbyclarke

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Re: Where was this girl trying to go?
« Reply #24 on: July 15, 2013, 06:02:33 AM »
My opinion is she's thinking you're a meal ticket for a few fun days, with the added benefit of a few gifts she's been after for a while.


Red flags IMO

- no visual contact, only email and already specifying gifts
- specifying gifts
- I assume it's a few gifts with total values exceeding $100, it's a lot of money there!
- agreed to meet without talking face to face, on Skype or similar

My guess would be you'd arrive, she'd spend an evening with you enjoying a nice meal for her and her mate (she'll need her mate to translate or she doesn't want to initially meet alone) then once you have the given the gifts her granny will be ill or she'll be busy working.

As someone else said if it don't feel right bail.

I've never met a sincere lady yet who would agree to meet without a face to face meeting on Skype, unless it's just a coffee date, which wouldn't be a visit only deal.

Any sincere lady will make the effort to Skype, with your time difference (9 hours?) then you should be able to talk to her late at night her time, most FSU don't sleep before midnight (especially weekends) so you could easily contact early morning even if for 30 minutes.

You certainly seem level headed, good luck with your search.
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