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Author Topic: My Sad Story - Advice Needed  (Read 6266 times)

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Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #45 on: January 02, 2013, 02:00:01 PM »
Sit down with her and be honest. Please explain to her you made a mistake and she is not what you really wanted.+

This is precisely what I figure on doing, and some of the advice here has been helpful on how I go about doing this.  I am optimistic but need to be prepared for however it develops.  I made a mistake and intend to correct it if at all possible in a way good for her.  Even if she has been with me for the wrong reason, I don’t see why I should not do my best to make things easy for her.  I am not new at this.  I have been with a number of RW/UWs, got along well with honest and dishonest, but in the case of the one I took up with this seriously I slipped. 

Some people who are prone to adjustment problems will see adjustment problems in everyone.  I was first in a non-English speaking European country (Russia) in the dead of winter over 10 years ago.  I was yet to speak a word of Russian.  Stayed in a college dormitory with 13 doors and 2 guard posts between me and the street.  After numerous stays in Russia I stayed in a top-floor high-rise apartment with Miss G. in a northwest Moscow suburb.  Fascinated the entire time.  Despite non-Slavic features, people would speak Russian to me on the street.  At one point I invited Miss G. to the U.S.  First time far from home and close to 50.  Outgoing and except for her broken English you would think she lived here her whole life.  Came, no luggage other than a shopping bag.  While here we went on a 29-day camping trip.  Slept in my van.  Wood fires.  Had a great time and nary a bad word.  She was certainly not with me for the wrong reason.  In fact she was much better off than me.  Adjustment problem?  No.

Well, I made a mistake.  Happens.  Get flamed.  Happens.  That's life.

To a certain someone.  I would rather not go into who knows more than who.  We each have our own background, experiences, and opinions.

Online AvHdB

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #46 on: January 02, 2013, 02:35:49 PM »
I would rather not go into who knows more than who.  We each have our own background, experiences, and opinions.

Very true!

NB: I am NOT that person referred to so no PM's
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Offline TomT

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #47 on: January 02, 2013, 03:19:21 PM »
This has been sticking in my craw:

I have already spent thousands on her, and for all I know she may think our legal system will force me to cough up thousands more.

Had you written "hundreds of thousands," I might have raised an eyebrow. If you had spent "tens of thousands," I would have considered it to be typical. Yet, you wrote: "thousands." Was this just a case of imprecise writing or do you really think that thousands are a big deal?


Issue #2:

In my case I foresee a trainwreck, but it has not happened yet.  There will be a trainwreck only if she is really with me for the wrong reasons, and I will find that out shortly.
By the way scammers can be any age, and I am hardly new at this. 


How will you know if she is really with you for the wrong reasons? In spite of your experience, you already misread the situation completely. How can you be certain that you won't misread it again? (Deliberately pissing her off to produce the desired defensive response doesn't count.)
"Get away from the keyboard little man. I know where you live." (Message left in my facebook mailbox by our resident psychopath.)


Offline HoosierDaddy

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #48 on: January 02, 2013, 05:20:01 PM »
There are certain matters about my case which I cannot very well go into.

We can only go by what information you give us.  Bottom line.....most of us are guys that aren't afraid to take calculated risks which puts us in somewhat of a rare club in my book.  I wish you the best but I feel for her at the same time.

Offline ozybob

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #49 on: January 02, 2013, 05:53:18 PM »
skuakidd

you have recieved plenty of good advice here already , but it seems you have already decided  your course of action , only you can know , we can only offer our perspective on what we can glean from your info given to us

so here is mine  tiphat

im also in the camp thats says you are jumping the gun here ,
do you love this woman ??
do you want to make this marriage successfull ?

it seems you are too quick to dismiss any other possibilitys , other than she must have some hidden agenda when she married you ,

culture shock can manifest in many ways , ways she will not even understand or be aware of ,even deny exist    she may exhibit  many facets of change you didnt expect or forsee in her behavoiur , way over the top than normal , any small action on you part may be misconstrued , , especially if your spoken russian is weak and her english is non existent

this may seem to be a non event for you , but actually living in a country , compared to a longer vacation has a different impact on the mind set of a person , on holiday , you know you will be going home , you know you dont need to change yourself to much to accept all these new and strange differences in how you must now live , IT IS A HUGE THING YOU HAVE ASKED HER TO DO ...!!!!!! it seems she willingly moved to marry you ,

what you now need to do is just STOP SOWING NEGATIVE VIBES WITH HER !!  if you really want any chance to keep the marriage ,
be the man she married , PATIENCE , PATIENCE , AND EVEN MORE BLOODY PATIENCE . it is way too soon to be calling time on this , she needs anything up to several years to adjust given her age and her starting point with english etc ,

what where you thinking ??  that she would adjust in a few weeks or maybe 6 months ??  change is a big thing , support her , be totally open , if you love her ?? support her , let her see you can be trusted , this is a big key you need to get your head around , she will be feeling highly sensitive and vulnerable , you need to understand that ,

be her rock , she will probably be very needing /demanding , sometimes stubborn , irrational , moody , and just shut you out , suck it up !!! stick to your agreed plan , and dont enagage in any disagreements , keep your own temper in check , dont threaten anything to her , or talk about sending her home , dont question her intelligence , etc , it will be toxic to do so to your relationship ,

what you write about and describe is not unusual in varying degrees of manifestation depending on the individual , has your wife traveled before ??at all ?or extensivly ?

she had her life in complete order in her home city/country ,she was her own boss , made her own decisions , quite successfully all her life , to now have at 50+ be made to feel like a nanunya , re learning how to live and share with you is going to take time !!  expect it , roll with it , she now must place her entire life in your hands and trust you !!!  understand and respect how that will make her feel !!

you know your country , city /life, she will have to learn it for herself, good advice to keep her away from other russians/ukraines, until your marriage has more trust and better communication , they will only taint the waters badly ime with her , sow more seeds of mistrust in her mind about everything . no matter what good reasons you can offer her


understand she wont follow or trust your advice always , often she will want to discover for herself , even when it is contray to your advice and you can see a mistake , be gentle with your opinion and how you deliver it , try to do so in a less lecturing way expect her to snoop as you put it , she wants to discover her home , as halo said she is a woman , she will want to know who has been before her , and where she fits into your heart and world now , expect her to be highly distrusting ,

you thought enough of her to bring her to america and marry her , dont give up so easily , stick and stay , make your efforts pay off for both of you , if you can manage it you will cement a bond with her like no other ,

at present you seem to think she owes you something because you chose to seek a life partner overseas , the costs of that where your choice, you bought into that deal , dont make her feel obigated to some sort of expectation you have based on the cost

you need to decide if you love this lady , if so , help her by committing 100% to her needs , put yours aside here for alittle while ,

you dont need to be a doormat, just be patient , understanding and dont expect too much progress to fast, it takes time , give  her the right love and care to feel free to express her true thoughts, as ill bet she has them and currently will keep them to herself , as she will be picking up on your negatives and trust will be an issue with you both , stop it before it becomes toxic completly

have you sat her down and had a deep and honest discussion ??  maybe apologised for a few of your misunderstandings with her ?? without any expectations of getting something  back ??or point scoring , it isnt needed to be right always , even if you are

 you might be amazed at how a simple bit of this , can go along way to getting  you both back on track

anyway , good luck ,
if you decide to continue with the legal front , im sure when she hears it will be the kiss of death to the marriage , just be fair and just with her after that point

bob

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Online AvHdB

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #50 on: January 02, 2013, 06:38:12 PM »
OzyBob + 100 -

Skuakidd, You need to decide what you want.

Can you forgive? Are you willing to help "her" to build contacts and friends in your neck of the woods. OK cacti.

Can she Skype with her friends back in Ukraine, can you?

AvHdB
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #51 on: January 02, 2013, 09:27:20 PM »
My original heading for my first post was "tale of woe - advice needed", but it got changed by a moderator.  I also notice that many have been making assumptions which simply do not apply in my case.  Whatever the significance of all this, I was seeking advice, wrote my story with that end in mind, and advice is what I got, both on the board and PM.  No point in wrangling with those assumptions.  With one exception, no one here knows me other than though these posts, and in person I would likely appear totally different.  Some of the advice/information has been very helpful.  So I got what I sought after and that is what makes a board like this so helpful. 
Someday when all this comes to a conclusion perhaps I will put a more complete story in perhaps the adventure continues (stops?) or wherever seems appropriate at the time.  Even if there is a very happy conclusion I know there are those who pick on this or pick on that or put me up for slaughter, but my experience may be helpful for others.  As I already mentioned, I have been on these boards before.  There is the good and the bad, and I will take the bad so I can gain from the good.

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #52 on: January 02, 2013, 09:34:28 PM »
Regarding Skype, yes she skypes to the Ukraine.  No Skype on my computer.

Offline TomT

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #53 on: January 02, 2013, 10:39:06 PM »
I see: you are way too smart for us. There's a chink in your armor, though.
"Get away from the keyboard little man. I know where you live." (Message left in my facebook mailbox by our resident psychopath.)

Offline Muzh_1

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #54 on: January 03, 2013, 09:23:34 AM »

do you love this woman ??
do you want to make this marriage successfull ?


bob, I've been reading his posts and I get a nasty suspicion that the answer to the above is no.

Offline ozybob

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #55 on: January 03, 2013, 04:16:11 PM »

do you love this woman ??
do you want to make this marriage successfull ?


bob, I've been reading his posts and I get a nasty suspicion that the answer to the above is no.

muzh

i agree , he hasnt dropped the L word anywhere that i read ,

from his comments he seems like a bloke who puts self first

bob
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.