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Author Topic: My Sad Story - Advice Needed  (Read 6762 times)

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Offline Halo

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #15 on: January 01, 2013, 08:25:05 PM »
But now two months into marriage I see why she never got married.  Self-centered, she now only does what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants unmindful of me. 

That is likely the result of being independent and alone for all her adult life.  I don't think this is particularly unusual.

I suggest telling her you are now a married couple, and both of you need to realize that you must be mindful of the other.

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She convinces herself whatever she does is right.
 

So how, exactly, is this different from 90% of the women in the world? 
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She will listen only to Russian internet radio and makes a fuss if I turn the TV to something in English.  I don’t work (retired) and all this cuts me off from my friends.   She is not concerned with what all this has cost me.  Complains and throws fits.  Snoops in my study (while I still sleep) and has gotten into some of my late wife’s effects. 

Before we married, when he was out, I snooped through my (Ukrainian) husband's effects too.  I did tell him about it.  He laughed uproariously, and said he had no secrets from me.   

I doubt you would find many women who don't, as you termed it, "snoop", whether they admit it or not.   I think this is the nature of many women, and is particularly so for those feeling insecure.  Why is she feeling insecure?

Also, why do you find this threatening?  If you want a true union, there should be no secrets between you.

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This is of course not what I expected having been with her a total of 4 months before getting married.  I have known other RW/UW and saw warning signs.  Not this time.  Now I can’t trust her alone in the house or I would go see an attorney.  In a few days when she learns of my decision I will have a better handle on what to expect from her.  Until then it makes sense for me to learn what may be possible regarding legal realities.  Could use advice from those who have experience with this sort of thing.

You've only been married three months.  Hardly enough time to make an adjustment.  Why can't you "trust" her in your home?   Have you told her how you feel about these things?

I agree with Manny, and in some ways, with Andrew.   

Think about it from her perspective.  She has given up everything, and everyone, familiar to be with you.  She doesn't want a life alone.  What have you done to prove that she made the right choice?

Your attitude seems to be more about preserving your money than working on a relationship with another human being.  Cliché as it is, you truly are half the problem, and half the solution. 


Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #16 on: January 01, 2013, 09:11:29 PM »
I realize that many will for whatever reasons side with the UW/RW regardless of circumstances, much of which I have no opportunity to present here.  The real issue is why she is with me.  If for the wrong reason, then I have every right to correction the situation.  I am seeking advice that I find helpful before I manage to locate sound legal advice from a professional.


Offline Halo

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #17 on: January 01, 2013, 09:19:32 PM »
It's not a matter of "siding".  From what you have posted, which is, after all, all that posters can react to, there is nothing which indicates anything nefarious on her part.

You owe it to her to tell her the truth, which from what you've posted, seems to be that you don't trust her.  No relationship can last long term without trust.


Offline kievstar

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #18 on: January 01, 2013, 09:22:36 PM »
She has culture shock and you have posted nothing about helping her adjust. 

Its easy to marry a RW - the hard work is making it last.  As the man you need to step it up and quit acting like a little boy.

As some posters mentioned above, it appears you feel that since you spent some money she owes you for it.

Be prepared to lose 50% of your assets or more - I could care less what lawyer you engage.  If you love this RW, you will try to make it work instead of planning behind her back.

Offline TomT

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #19 on: January 01, 2013, 09:35:23 PM »
Be prepared to lose 50% of your assets or more...

Nope.
"Get away from the keyboard little man. I know where you live." (Message left in my facebook mailbox by our resident psychopath.)

Offline kievstar

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #20 on: January 01, 2013, 09:45:29 PM »
TomT, please provide details why not?  He is married and no prenup and plotting to send her back.  USA courts do not like 52 year old RW getting abused by USA man.

Offline TomT

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #21 on: January 01, 2013, 09:49:01 PM »
There is no basis for taking half of his real estate and half of his investment portfolio unless he signed it over to her. Hopefully, he has the good sense not to abuse her.
"Get away from the keyboard little man. I know where you live." (Message left in my facebook mailbox by our resident psychopath.)

Offline nunya

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #22 on: January 01, 2013, 11:09:11 PM »

As law's vary between the states, the original poster will need to ask this of local legal council but I am quite sure Arizonia law is the same as Texs law, and many other states.

Unless the OP signed sometype of pre-nup, or agreement giving her certain things, then all she would be entitled to would be 50% of the assets gained during the 3-4 months marrage. Which would probably not be a great amount.   What he owned before the marriage is his, not subject to be divided with wife of 3-4 months.




Offline Krassie

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #23 on: January 01, 2013, 11:18:45 PM »
Unfortunately we know only one part of a story.... I would like to know what a wife has to say...

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #24 on: January 01, 2013, 11:29:30 PM »
Tom Cat
No, she knows no one and would not want to live here alone.
Tom T
Well, certainly no abuse.  We actually get along fine.  The question is how will she be when she learns that things are not well.  Only if her motive is bad do I anticipate a problem.  Where a problem may occur it can behoove one to be prepared.  Worst case should be considered.  Those who have been there have pointed that out to me.
Amazing that so many people think that women (or men) are entitled to half of everything even in the case of a very short relationship.  Tells you something about people.
Adjustment is not an issue here.  Within what residency limitation that applies, her understanding is that we can live whatever length of time in Kiev and keeps her apartment there for that purpose.  I can get around fine on my own and have done so.
My most useful advice so far has been to consult with someone who understands the legal aspect of things.
I have also heard from those who have been there.  I really don't think she will pull the abuse card.  That would be worst case unless there is something worse that I am missing.

Offline bagalia

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #25 on: January 01, 2013, 11:44:27 PM »
You have not been together long enough to really know each other so it is possible that you are not meant to be together but two months in a foreign country is just about perfect for an older person to go culture shock. She is also a bit old to have a new language forced on her. I think it is more the latter than the former. I think she is feeling alone and confined and helpless in a land she does not understand and jealous that she might lose you.

I would talk more about how she feels as she may not even realize what is happening to her. I would give all the attention she needs like I would a sick loved one. I would need to insist that she start English classes. Some general signs are anxiety, dependency and irritability.

If after a few months I found that the above was not correct or that whatever we had was totally gone, lost cause etc. I would take one last vacation together including the home country, without an AP. That would be cruel of course even when combined with help to get her life together again but the alternative could be worse for me than it would be for her. Things would really need to be beyond help. :hidechair:
Misery is the river of the world; everybody row, everybody row.

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #26 on: January 02, 2013, 12:04:07 AM »
Nunya
Thanks for the information.  It gives me something to check on.  If so in Arizona, then that may solve things for both me and her.  This is new territory for me.  My first relationship for going sour but it has not gotten that far yet.  By the way we know each other.  You did a great job for me and I feel very good about that. 

Appreciate the advice from everyone.  Of course some advice may apply in my case and some not.
I can't very well go into every detail here or things would make better sense.

A very good point about someone having been independent her whole life.  I realized that and it is one aspect of the situation.  Mr. X pointed that out to me about Miss SP (q.v. an earlier post).  Mr. X and I had long insightful email exchanges but I had to break things off with both.   


Offline ECR844

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #27 on: January 02, 2013, 12:07:03 AM »
"Skua,"

Did you catch her doing something untoward or planning something untoward in regards to you? Why did you marry her? If all was peachy before, and she was truly at the time of marriage 'a partner for life'; what has changed and why?

I have to say I agree with some of the other married posters here that based on what you are posting there is nothing here that indicates 'the end' has occurred or that you should be 'running' to lawyers. As with a few other experienced folks I see some of the possibilities they have commented on as well in your posts.

Having had some experience myself 'culture shock/adjustment' to a new country and a new marriage I can share a few things with you.

1.) She may not realize the extent of her personality changes and or actions as a result of adjustment and culture shock. It can take awhile for the person to realize this is what's happening and also adjust themselves. For myself, in the beginning I knew all about culture shock and the signs, etc... but I didn't notice them in my own behavior. Luckily it's something I spoke about with my wife extensively and she wacked me with her Russian clue bat when it started happening. Communication helps immensely for both of you. It's your responsibility to be out in front of it and communicating, supporting, helping her, and enabling her to cope with it. If she was highly independent in UA, then you should be making her apart of your shared lives there and allowing her to learn how to be more a part 'of the team'. You never know when you'll need her help to contribute to the family and do some basic tasks in society like paying bills, how to get around, etc...

Also more than likely, her being involved with these things will help her normalize quicker as it will be more akin to what she was used to doing for herself in UA, RU, or where ever she is from originally.

2.) Based on the little you have posted it seems like trust and communication have broken down. You need to be talking with her all the time and letting her know what's going on. I would say probably even more than you would think maybe necessary. Show her you care, and are attentive and concerned for her needs and feelings. Have you considered she maybe 'acting out' a bit because you miscalculated on something or made an error or she feels aggrieved in some way because you did not do something she feels you should have? Some of these ladies have the belief and understanding that you as the man should just know and do certain things in a certain way automatically and without being told. They forget that as a foreigner you may not even know, realize, think, or have overlook something innocently. Maybe you've done a bunch of smaller things like that and they and her increasing frustration have built up? Some of these ladies won't tell you what you did wrong, your 'just supposed to know'.

So you have COMMUNICATE with her and get her talking to figure what her real issue is with you or the situation. Again, not all of these ladies are like this, maybe yours is? Just a possible thought....


Remember as previous stated by others. The quality, validity and accuracy of the advise received here is directly proportional to the quality,  accuracy, and thoroughness of the information shared by you with the forum. At the end of the day you will be at least 50% of the reason your marriage ends or succeeds, try not to set a subconscious predetermined course for it.

For newbies, and lurkers remember marriage with an FSUW is not the end point of your journey and certainly not the demarcation line for entry into 'the winners circle.' Marriage is just one 'event' in your journey with your new partner and certainly the start of a whole lot of new and different bit of learning and work that you both need to do to continue to do throughout your whole life as 'partners, husband and wife, and a team' together.
 




 

Online redroo

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #28 on: January 02, 2013, 12:16:14 AM »
Sir,
I also had a wife from the FSU with whom I had a lived a substancial amount of time with in her own environment without issue. My life also became a nightmare on her arrival in my own country. I expected this to last 6 months to a year, but in my case I allowed it to go for 8 years before finally giving up.
My wife spoke english, but still refused to watch tv, movies, socialize etc much like you describe. She had exclusively russian friends here.....and in my humble opinion many of them were TROUBLE.
My reason for making a comment is this;
I agree with the guys here saying 2 -3 months is not long enough to adjust, especially since she does not speak english. Many of them have gone through similar experiences INITIALLY, but things got better.
I also agree if you are showing her distrust, and a lack of understanding of the huge adjustment she is having to make, this is toxic.
My wife started our discussions about parting ways in a sensible, non agressive way. Once lawyers and Russian girlfriends got involved all hell broke lose, and I also was threatened with the DV card.
As you have been encouraged, get legal advice both divorce and immigration, also get your assets in order and accounted for, but do NOT attempt to hide anything now, or make any move that can be considered an "abuse".
Another member here once asked why I did not consider an annulment rather than divorce. Given I was married for 8 years and had a wonderful son with her it was not a considered option for me. It might be for you? ask your lawyer.
Can I ask why she was not learning english prior to you move to the US, and why she does not drive? Surely that is something that YOU should have made a priority given you live in the US. She is effectively trapped and totally reliant on you.
I can only make an assumption (foolishly) that you are not jealous of her given your ages. Some of the young Slavic girls face almost deliberate inprisionment due to their beauty and their man's jealousy, and fear she might find a "better" option. Again this is very toxic.
My wife spoke enough english to shop, socialize etc on arrival, but we enrolled her at college english classes within 2 weeks (to improve, and socialize with other new arrivals), and she had her own car and driving license within a month so that she had freedom to go where ever she chose and when. She also came out to me with a return ticket, knowing she could return if she wanted.
I agree with the statement that you should never send her home on a "holiday" with a one way ticket......shows very bad intent.
Good luck with this, but please as already suggested, consider your own behaviour and reactions. That 50% of the problem, 50% of the solution comment is GOLD.

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #29 on: January 02, 2013, 01:00:19 AM »
Appreciate the response so far both here and on another board.  If I find something helpful, then fine, and if I think it does not apply in my case, then I just set it aside.  That’s fine also.  Now I feel much better prepared for when I give her the news. 
I know that many think (fervently) that she is having “adjustment” problems.  If she has, then she is doing a stellar job of hiding them, but nevertheless these same observers will insist that they are there.  That’s okay also.  They do not know her but it’s a reasonable opinion.
I used the term “one-way ticket” which has been taken negatively.  I suppose the negative aspect may have been intended by those who used this term (in my private emails).  Maybe better that here I just say ticket, but I am used to buying one-way tickets these days as a matter of course, unless there is reason to do otherwise.  I find one ways more convenient and even cheaper in my case as they give me flexibility.  Formerly one ways were more expensive or two ways required for entry but not these days where I go.  To me, one way means no return is decided.  I only buy discount tickets.