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Author Topic: My Sad Story - Advice Needed  (Read 16204 times)

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Offline skuakidd

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My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« on: January 01, 2013, 02:23:42 PM »
Hope this is the right spot for this or if not maybe a moderator will stick it where it belongs.

First - my tale of woe.
I met my UW in Kiev September 2011 and stayed at her place in Kiev several times thereafter.  Had our interview at the U.S. embassy September 2012 and got married in Hawaii in October and now living at my place in Phoenix.  She age 52, never before married, and no children.  I widowed and no children.  She was delightful all those times I was in Kiev.  But now two months into marriage I see why she never got married.  Self-centered, she now only does what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants unmindful of me.  Only the second day after our 17-day dream trip (expensive) to Hawaii she got bent out of shape when I attended a medical conference and accused me of seeing another woman.  She convinces herself whatever she does is right.  She will listen only to Russian internet radio and makes a fuss if I turn the TV to something in English.  I don’t work (retired) and all this cuts me off from my friends.   She is not concerned with what all this has cost me.  Complains and throws fits.  Snoops in my study (while I still sleep) and has gotten into some of my late wife’s effects. 

She knows no English.  I have been fluent in written Russian, having started in high school.  I can do ordinary speech and have been to Russia/Ukraine a dozen times, anywhere from 10 days to 5 weeks at a time.

This is of course not what I expected having been with her a total of 4 months before getting married.  I have known other RW/UW and saw warning signs.  Not this time.  Now I can’t trust her alone in the house or I would go see an attorney.  In a few days when she learns of my decision I will have a better handle on what to expect from her.  Until then it makes sense for me to learn what may be possible regarding legal realities.  Could use advice from those who have experience with this sort of thing.

Second - the advice I need:

(1) I have already spent thousands on her, and for all I know she may think our legal system will force me to cough up thousands more.  Of course attorneys know this sort of thing and each state is different, but the more information I have from those who been there the better armed I will be in seeing an attorney.

(2) Her non-immigrant K-1 expires March 23 and yet Homeland Security stamped a date of until January 1 2013 (hmmm today), 90 days after entry.  Married October 30 so 90 days for applying for adjustment of status is up later this month.  Don’t know the significance of all this.

(3) I’ll try to get her on a plane with a one-way ticket back to Kiev.  K-1 is single entry only so she can’t come back on it.  I have been out of the U.S. so many times I forget the formalities.  Just show her passport at check-in and that’s that?
No English, she has no phone and can’t drive.  I got her a computer so she connects to people in the Ukraine on Skype.  Absolutely adores sunny warm Phoenix compared to gray, dreary and cold Kiev.  We get along great as long as I do whatever she wants, but that can’t continue.

Just maybe she will cooperate, but I better consider worst case that she will turn nasty rather than quietly leave the good life behind.  She has a niece in the Ukraine who has lived abroad and speaks very good English. 

Advice might help save me from loads of grief.  Others have been in this situation.

The Arizona Kid


Online AvHdB

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #1 on: January 01, 2013, 02:34:35 PM »
Arizona Kidd, Wow!

It makes anyone who is considering this venture to think twice. What is scary that you never saw behavior that would indicate the future reality.

My guess is the monies you have spent are gone.

My second thought is that perhaps you should read this thread.
http://ruadventures.com/forum/index.php?topic=15405.0

There also is a woman who is more frequently in chat named Krassie you might reach out to her in that she lives I suspect close to you and is from Ukraine.

But I suspect a judge will be sympathetic to your plight assuming you can document everything AND if you can avoid a Domestic Violence situation/charge.

AvHdB
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Online andrewfi

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #2 on: January 01, 2013, 02:48:36 PM »
You might want to remove anything from your post that could be seen as abusive treatment such as your thoughts about travel. Abuse by a spouse provides grounds for her to remain.
...everything ends always well; if it’s still bad, then it’s not the end!


Offline Larry

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Re: advice from those who have been there done that
« Reply #3 on: January 01, 2013, 03:14:00 PM »
Quote
Now I can’t trust her alone in the house or I would go see an attorney.  In a few days when she learns of my decision I will have a better handle on what to expect from her.  Until then it makes sense for me to learn what may be possible regarding legal realities. 

Sorry to hear of your difficulties.  I suggest consulting a good divorce lawyer as soon as possible.  It might be better to consult two lawyers, one who specializes in divorce law and another who specializes in immigration. You might ask the lawyer how it might affect your situation if you were successful in getting your wife on a plane back to Ukraine.  Your goal in this situation is to get divorced without an additional major financial hit.  It might complicate a divorce action if she went back to Ukraine.  You don't want her to leave now and in five years come back, file for divorce against you, and obtain considerable alimony or property settlement on the basis that you had a long-term marriage.  Plus, as long as you are married you won't be able to get a K-1 for any new FSUW you might meet in the future.

Just a note to other readers: some members are prone in some of these train wreck situations to blame the guy because he married a 27 year old FSUW.  Your story provides some evidence that train wrecks can happen even if you marry a FSUW in her forties or fifties.

Offline shakespear

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2013, 03:24:08 PM »
Advice might help save me from loads of grief.  Others have been in this situation.

The Arizona Kid

1)  The 90-day period only applies to the time limit to marry or return.  Once you married the 90-day limit no longer applies.  To my knowledge there is no stated time limit for you to file the I-465 package of documents for Adjustment of Status.  Technically if she is out of status for more than 6 months she can be deported but I'm not aware of an situation where as spouse has been deported under this technicality. 

2)  I think you might want to ask yourself if you're giving up on this marriage too quickly.  She has been thrust into a new culture and it takes as long as 3-4 years for some women to acclimate themselves.  I think your frustration level after only two months may be due to a lack of patience on your part.  A 52-year old woman is going to take longer to acclimate than a 30 year old one.  You need to start getting her to ESL classed immediately.  I wouldn't find any Russian friends for her because with your relationship in this state, they can often provide more damage than help to a relationship.  Try to find her an American woman friend who is very patient and let them do some girly things together.  I can imagine her stress level is through the roof right now.   

3)  If you are absolutely sure your marriage cannot be saved then you need to contact an attorney as soon as possible.  If you do not file the I-465 package of documents to sponsor her adjustment of status, she can do it for herself under certain circumstances; one of which if she is deemed to have been the victim of domestic violence.  She'll find no shortage of information from the internet or from other FSU people on how to do this.  Trust me dude, I've been there and there is no greater hell on earth than to be falsely accused of DV in the USA. 

4)  I might suggest that you hire Manny's wife to have a conference call with her.  Although you are fluent in Russian you may be too emotionally involved to have a calm two-way discussion on the topic.  It might be better if she had another woman to talk with about what she is feeling and what is going on in her life.

There are a lot of people on this forum that will be willing to provide advice but only you can determine what is the best path for you to follow.  Ask more questions and participate in the discussion.  Don't be too thin skinned when criticism comes you way. 

Good luck and think hard before you do anything. 
"If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun" - Katharine Hepburn

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #5 on: January 01, 2013, 03:37:27 PM »
Arizona,

Shakespeare (to the regulars here Shakey) is giving really good advice to you. Knowing past reports and stories it is born from expierence.

Perhaps the relationship can be saved but at all cost avoid the Domestic Violence threat or accusation.

I would though reach out to Krassie from chat she is both patient and kind ~ the biggest plus is she is very close to you.

Also as Shakey indicates some members here are less civil in there opinions of your situation.
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Offline Manny

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #6 on: January 01, 2013, 04:40:19 PM »
Skuakidd, welcome to the site.  tiphat

You'll find solid advice here I hope.

Quote
K-1 is single entry only so she can’t come back on it.

I am not American, and have scant knowledge of US visa stuff, but I do know a K1 is a fiancée visa. She isn't a fiancée any more; she is a wife. Our American members will advise you better on her right of re-entry, etc.

@ 52 years old, we can pretty much discount she is any kind of scammer. We must assume she went there and married you with good intent.

Quote
She knows no English.

This is a major problem. How will she function in day-to-day life without you? If she is to stay, she is to learn English ASAP.

Quote
She will listen only to Russian internet radio and makes a fuss if I turn the TV to something in English.  I don’t work (retired) and all this cuts me off from my friends.   

Would you listen to radio in Punjabi that you don't understand? Probably you would make a fuss, yes?

Quote
She is not concerned with what all this has cost me.  Complains and throws fits.


You didn't buy a puppy dog - you got married. Its not really her problem what you spent to meet and marry her. Please do not use that as a tool against her. Don't expect eternal gratitude for 'rescuing' her either. You need a refocus on that issue.

Quote
Snoops in my study (while I still sleep) and has gotten into some of my late wife’s effects.

Its her home too now. Are some places out of bounds? Did you outline stuff that 'wasn't allowed'? I see that her in your late wife's stuff might be troubling, but it sounds like her head is all over the place trying to adapt to what she did. And you are not coming across as awfully supportive of her right now. 

This isn't a train wreck yet, so lets not jump the gun.

Imagine someone plucked you up and threw you in the middle of Islamabad where you didn't speak a word of the local lingo. Would you be blissfully happy just because they have nice weather? Probably not. You would likely be climbing the walls after a few months.

Read Shakey's post above, he read this right too.

Adjustment to a new country, culture and language takes years not months. As she is an older lady, learning language will be hard for her - this will take time.

You can probably salvage this OK with some good advice is my feeling at the moment. Is your Russian good conversational? Are you able to express most feelings and thoughts without ambiguity? Or do you need outside help to do that?


Read a trip report from North Korea >>here<< - Read a trip report from South Korea, China and Hong Kong >>here<<

Look what the American media makes some people believe:
Putin often threatens to strike US with nuclear weapons.

Offline TomT

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #7 on: January 01, 2013, 04:55:37 PM »
I’ll try to get her on a plane with a one-way ticket back to Kiev.  K-1 is single entry only so she can’t come back on it.  I have been out of the U.S. so many times I forget the formalities.  Just show her passport at check-in and that’s that?

Yep, travel documents (such as advance parole) are only required to reenter. Sending her off with a one-way ticket is a bad idea, however, because it shows your intent.

Online andrewfi

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #8 on: January 01, 2013, 05:00:54 PM »

Yep, travel documents (such as advance parole) are only required to reenter. Sending her off with a one-way ticket is a bad idea, however, because it shows your intent.

Better put than I managed above and, also, how dim would she have to be to go along with such a plan?

Thing is though, how supportive of the woman is our hero being?

Is this a case of buyer's remorse?
...everything ends always well; if it’s still bad, then it’s not the end!

Offline TomT

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #9 on: January 01, 2013, 05:12:50 PM »
Is this a case of buyer's remorse?

We will never know.

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #10 on: January 01, 2013, 06:45:31 PM »
Thing is though, how supportive of the woman is our hero being?

Is this a case of buyer's remorse?

Is it helpful to either party to be so cynical?

Andrew here is the difference between standpoints. Why not be constructive at least for one week in the year?

One thing that has been said before and is again a part of the issue MissArizona does not speak English and has no friends in her new land.

By the way is Mendy in New Mexico or Arizona ~ that could be a different asset.
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Offline Anteros

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #11 on: January 01, 2013, 07:27:30 PM »
He should first do a 3 way call with a professional, preferably a woman from the FSU.

http://ruadventures.com/forum/index.php?topic=396.msg32007#msg32007
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #12 on: January 01, 2013, 07:42:59 PM »
In my case I foresee a trainwreck, but it has not happened yet.  There will be a trainwreck only if she is really with me for the wrong reasons, and I will find that out shortly.
By the way scammers can be any age, and I am hardly new at this.  One RW (no English) from whom I have a total of over 140 letters, typically 10 pages long (regular mail!!) and I might add very interesting, had me over in St. Petersburg.  She 50 never married and seemingly very honest.  So one night I detected a low voice in the bath.  Putting my hear to the wall of the toilet I heard her conversing on the phone with Mr. X.  I had known Mr. X (no English) (married and with kids) for 10 years.  Scheming!  (No, no misunderstanding by the way).  So some time later I slipped out with my bag and caught the train to Moscow.  Neither has heard from me again.  Some of these people are astonishing.
So I finally fell into a hole.  I guess to seek legal advice from a professional is the smart thing to do at this point, though I know of no such professional yet.  Wondering if someone has actually been in my situation? 


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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #13 on: January 01, 2013, 07:48:27 PM »
AvHdB, I understand that English is not your first tongue but even so it is hard to see my words as cynical. As you will one day come to understand supporting a person brought into a new environment takes a lot of effort. In this case the original poster is already giving thought to action that'd likely be considered for abusive.

Given what we can see both my questions seem reasonable as thought provokers for both the OP and those who might, like you, not have given the issues full consideration.
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Offline Tom Cat

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #14 on: January 01, 2013, 08:03:55 PM »
Hello skuakidd, welcome to RUA

Does your wife have any friends or Family living here in the states?
Because it would seem if she does not speak english,  she would be somewhat a fish out of water.
Do you think she would want to continue living  in the states alone?
Don't shoot the messenger, links to articles posted, don't necessarily reflect my personal opinion.

Offline Halo

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #15 on: January 01, 2013, 08:25:05 PM »
But now two months into marriage I see why she never got married.  Self-centered, she now only does what she wants, when she wants, and how she wants unmindful of me. 

That is likely the result of being independent and alone for all her adult life.  I don't think this is particularly unusual.

I suggest telling her you are now a married couple, and both of you need to realize that you must be mindful of the other.

Quote
She convinces herself whatever she does is right.
 

So how, exactly, is this different from 90% of the women in the world? 
Quote
She will listen only to Russian internet radio and makes a fuss if I turn the TV to something in English.  I don’t work (retired) and all this cuts me off from my friends.   She is not concerned with what all this has cost me.  Complains and throws fits.  Snoops in my study (while I still sleep) and has gotten into some of my late wife’s effects. 

Before we married, when he was out, I snooped through my (Ukrainian) husband's effects too.  I did tell him about it.  He laughed uproariously, and said he had no secrets from me.   

I doubt you would find many women who don't, as you termed it, "snoop", whether they admit it or not.   I think this is the nature of many women, and is particularly so for those feeling insecure.  Why is she feeling insecure?

Also, why do you find this threatening?  If you want a true union, there should be no secrets between you.

Quote
This is of course not what I expected having been with her a total of 4 months before getting married.  I have known other RW/UW and saw warning signs.  Not this time.  Now I can’t trust her alone in the house or I would go see an attorney.  In a few days when she learns of my decision I will have a better handle on what to expect from her.  Until then it makes sense for me to learn what may be possible regarding legal realities.  Could use advice from those who have experience with this sort of thing.

You've only been married three months.  Hardly enough time to make an adjustment.  Why can't you "trust" her in your home?   Have you told her how you feel about these things?

I agree with Manny, and in some ways, with Andrew.   

Think about it from her perspective.  She has given up everything, and everyone, familiar to be with you.  She doesn't want a life alone.  What have you done to prove that she made the right choice?

Your attitude seems to be more about preserving your money than working on a relationship with another human being.  Cliché as it is, you truly are half the problem, and half the solution. 

After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #16 on: January 01, 2013, 09:11:29 PM »
I realize that many will for whatever reasons side with the UW/RW regardless of circumstances, much of which I have no opportunity to present here.  The real issue is why she is with me.  If for the wrong reason, then I have every right to correction the situation.  I am seeking advice that I find helpful before I manage to locate sound legal advice from a professional.


Offline Halo

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #17 on: January 01, 2013, 09:19:32 PM »
It's not a matter of "siding".  From what you have posted, which is, after all, all that posters can react to, there is nothing which indicates anything nefarious on her part.

You owe it to her to tell her the truth, which from what you've posted, seems to be that you don't trust her.  No relationship can last long term without trust.
After the fall of communism, the biggest mistake Boris Yeltsin's regime made was not to disband the KGB altogether. Instead it changed its name to the FSB and, to many observers, morphed into a gangster organisation, eventually headed by master criminal Vladimir Putin. - Gerard Batten

Offline kievstar

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #18 on: January 01, 2013, 09:22:36 PM »
She has culture shock and you have posted nothing about helping her adjust. 

Its easy to marry a RW - the hard work is making it last.  As the man you need to step it up and quit acting like a little boy.

As some posters mentioned above, it appears you feel that since you spent some money she owes you for it.

Be prepared to lose 50% of your assets or more - I could care less what lawyer you engage.  If you love this RW, you will try to make it work instead of planning behind her back.

Offline TomT

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #19 on: January 01, 2013, 09:35:23 PM »
Be prepared to lose 50% of your assets or more...

Nope.

Offline kievstar

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #20 on: January 01, 2013, 09:45:29 PM »
TomT, please provide details why not?  He is married and no prenup and plotting to send her back.  USA courts do not like 52 year old RW getting abused by USA man.

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #21 on: January 01, 2013, 09:49:01 PM »
There is no basis for taking half of his real estate and half of his investment portfolio unless he signed it over to her. Hopefully, he has the good sense not to abuse her.

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #22 on: January 01, 2013, 11:09:11 PM »

As law's vary between the states, the original poster will need to ask this of local legal council but I am quite sure Arizonia law is the same as Texs law, and many other states.

Unless the OP signed sometype of pre-nup, or agreement giving her certain things, then all she would be entitled to would be 50% of the assets gained during the 3-4 months marrage. Which would probably not be a great amount.   What he owned before the marriage is his, not subject to be divided with wife of 3-4 months.




Offline Krassie

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #23 on: January 01, 2013, 11:18:45 PM »
Unfortunately we know only one part of a story.... I would like to know what a wife has to say...

Offline skuakidd

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Re: My Sad Story - Advice Needed
« Reply #24 on: January 01, 2013, 11:29:30 PM »
Tom Cat
No, she knows no one and would not want to live here alone.
Tom T
Well, certainly no abuse.  We actually get along fine.  The question is how will she be when she learns that things are not well.  Only if her motive is bad do I anticipate a problem.  Where a problem may occur it can behoove one to be prepared.  Worst case should be considered.  Those who have been there have pointed that out to me.
Amazing that so many people think that women (or men) are entitled to half of everything even in the case of a very short relationship.  Tells you something about people.
Adjustment is not an issue here.  Within what residency limitation that applies, her understanding is that we can live whatever length of time in Kiev and keeps her apartment there for that purpose.  I can get around fine on my own and have done so.
My most useful advice so far has been to consult with someone who understands the legal aspect of things.
I have also heard from those who have been there.  I really don't think she will pull the abuse card.  That would be worst case unless there is something worse that I am missing.