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Author Topic: Soon to be trainwreck  (Read 4588 times)

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Offline mcb885

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Soon to be trainwreck
« on: September 01, 2012, 09:13:41 AM »
Just thought I would write my story.  I don't come on here much, i pop my head in from time to time.  been engaged for over six months.  Made 3 trips.  She lives in Ukraine, I live in Hawaii.  Spent over 5 weeks with her.  Everything has been good, her birthday was on the 21st of this month.  I sent her a surprise gift box last week before the incident. 


So here it is, i am on facebook one night waiting for her to come on, i like one of my friend's photos (who is a girl) that friend writes on her comment that she wants to see me again.  I have not seen that girl in years, before I met my fiancee.  My fiancee sees this.  Thinks I am going to see other women.  I did not even comment on photo.  I told her this was an old friend.  So she deletes me from skype and facebook, i try calling her, we talk for two minutes and she hangs up.  Says she never wants to hear from me or see me again.  So thats where I am at right now. 


I just had our visa expedited as well because of me being in the military and going to officer school in November.  I am very upset right now.  Don't really know what to do, i find it hard to believe she can drop our relationship that easily.  The photo I should not have liked, i realize this, but it was just a normal photo.  I talked to her friend who I am also friends with and she said my ex fiancee is certain in her decision.  I find this hard to believe must be something else.  I am not trying to think that much about it trying to stay busy, i find it hard to believe after all the trips, many gifts, and things i have done for her.  I know it is harder on me.  Do i just give her her "space"?

Offline Vinnvinny

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #1 on: September 01, 2012, 10:08:28 AM »
Sorry to hear about your story mcb885. You can be sure that you liking a photo is not the real reason she has called things off. I would guess that she was having big doubts already about your relationship prior to this event.

Offline Hammer2722

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #2 on: September 01, 2012, 10:18:21 AM »
Sorry to hear about this mcb. I agree with vinny. This is just an excuse that she is using to call things off. Either she is getting cold feet about leaving her country or she has met someone else and this is her way out. Not sure you will be able to salvage this.

I have been through the same situation where my girl decided she could not leave her country and made up some excuse to end our relationship.


Offline Manny

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #3 on: September 01, 2012, 10:21:40 AM »
Five weeks face time isn't enough to get married on.

Probably she is just jealous and you found out the hard way.

Getting a female terp to chat with her might shed some light.
please tell me where I'm being / have been 'dishonest'? 
Yes, he said that.........

Offline Brasscasing

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #4 on: September 01, 2012, 10:44:20 AM »
So here it is, i am on facebook one night waiting for her to come on, i like one of my friend's photos (who is a girl) that friend writes on her comment that she wants to see me again.  I have not seen that girl in years, before I met my fiancee.  My fiancee sees this.  Thinks I am going to see other women.  I did not even comment on photo.  I told her this was an old friend.  So she deletes me from skype and facebook, i try calling her, we talk for two minutes and she hangs up.  Says she never wants to hear from me or see me again.  So thats where I am at right now. 

Hmmm, not so inclined to agree with the others. Hang tough a few days. You inadvertantly made a mistake here. Picture a young woman about to embark on a life changing journey with a man (and let's face it) she hardly knows - high emotions, insecure, mind's racing and currently alone (you're not there) -  She discovers you conversing with and perusing a pic from an ex girlfriend, who wants you back. Now reverse that scenario.

She's angry, jealous and probably hurt. Try this; one letter and one letter only - as Manny states, thru a terp so there's no misunderstandings - apologize, tell her you were insentitive, you have absolutely no interest in this other woman and promise not to be so cavalier with her trust and emotions ever again.

Having said that; Manny's right. This is an aspect of your woman's personality you've now discovered. It's more than likely part and parcel of who she is. Be aware of that.

Brass
“I am a Canadian, free to speak without fear, free to worship in my own way, free to stand for what I think right, free to oppose what I believe wrong, or free to choose those who shall govern my country. This heritage of freedom I pledge to uphold for myself and all mankind."  ~ John Diefenbaker

P.S....Unless you happen to live in Quebec and are subject to the Quebec Charter Of Values, of course.

Offline Chris

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #5 on: September 01, 2012, 10:59:57 AM »
I agree with Brass and would do the same as he advises,  however, if she is the type that reacts like she has and appears to be a very jealous person, just because you looked at a photo, then maybe you have had a narrow escape.

Offline cufflinks

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #6 on: September 01, 2012, 11:03:19 AM »
MCB885 - at K bay I presume? 

Being former military and having lived in Honolulu working as a "Cisco Premier Security" partner with a company run by two former Gulf One Marines in 2004/05, actually quoted advanced Cisco netsec gear at TS facilities at Camp Smith - and - having visited Moscow on business in March 2010 with nephews of a major Oiligarch I am going to share with you some blunt insights.

One:  Do you really want to be married to a former FSU national in the current Putin VS USA view of the world - conservatives still consider us in a cold war albiet more luke warm....   I have been an actual character witness/interviewee to Top Secret Security background investigations for foreign nationals now US Citizens - believe me this stuff matters in these investigations.

Two: I once dated and almost married a sexy USA woman who said she would never date a military man - I was a veteran by then but still a bit pissed - instead of reacting harshly I asked her to help me understand why?  She said simply "their lives are not their own!"  If this is how some USA ladies feel imagine how an FSU lady feels - she might marry a man who now becoming an Officer during his career could at any time be shipped of to Afganhistan or worse Iran when the Mullahs finally pull a nutty like trying to attack the USA 5th Fleet HQ in Bahrain....  remember they have a lot of their own FSU Afghan veterans as well.

Three:  The current RU UA and BY for that matter regimes are very Nationalistic and do not like for one minute that their female breeding stock is being exported to interbreed with their potential future adversaries economic or otherwise....  There is strong media propaganda bias against leaving the motherland and a patriotic FSUW would never consider such a thing is the messge - belive me this could easily be the real reason for her cutting ties with you - pappa, uncle, momma or auntie and or her peers may have made a few pointed comments.

Four:  Try Match .com or even seeking arrangement.com put out in blunt candid terms what you are looking for you may find many strikingly gorgeous US based ladies including the daughters of the FSU already here who dream of becoming a dashing USMC officers wife and will love you and stand by you during your entire career no matter what may come in the future.  A US citizen wife will eliminate a lot of future TS SCI issues as well. 

Just a few points to consider....

Offline welder

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #7 on: September 01, 2012, 11:12:09 AM »
While Brass makes a good case I am more inclined to think your woman found the pretext for her current feelings on your upcoming marriage.  She is very young so perhaps you can salvage everything using the advice of Manny and Brass.
Tough break, good luck.

Offline RG

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #8 on: September 01, 2012, 02:00:54 PM »
Just thought I would write my story.  I don't come on here much, i pop my head in from time to time.  been engaged for over six months.  Made 3 trips.  She lives in Ukraine, I live in Hawaii.  Spent over 5 weeks with her.  Everything has been good, her birthday was on the 21st of this month.  I sent her a surprise gift box last week before the incident. 

Good so far, 5 weeks is > many, at least, and time is your friend, if you can find or make it.

Quote from: mcb885
So here it is, i am on facebook one night waiting for her to come on, i like one of my friend's photos (who is a girl) that friend writes on her comment that she wants to see me again.  I have not seen that girl in years, before I met my fiancee.  My fiancee sees this.  Thinks I am going to see other women.  I did not even comment on photo.  I told her this was an old friend.  So she deletes me from skype and facebook, i try calling her, we talk for two minutes and she hangs up.  Says she never wants to hear from me or see me again.  So thats where I am at right now. 

I just had our visa expedited as well because of me being in the military and going to officer school in November.  I am very upset right now.  Don't really know what to do, i find it hard to believe she can drop our relationship that easily.  The photo I should not have liked, i realize this, but it was just a normal photo.  I talked to her friend who I am also friends with and she said my ex fiancee is certain in her decision.  I find this hard to believe must be something else.

Some FSU women can certainly be jealous enough.
I'm inclined to think it's simpler than that, though - she's 21.  Maybe it's jealousy, maybe it's the military life (I thought once before you had mentioned planning on getting out, not going for an Officer program?), or at 21, simply realizing all of the pieces added up more negatively than whatever she has in her head, potential fantasy worlds included.
There's somethat that at least I believe about many FSUW - many are more pragmatic than us, with fewer shades of grey.  More yes, or no, and fewer maybes, meaning once they have come to a conclusion or decision on some things, it may take quite a bit to change their minds.  Of course, this does not apply to shopping. ;)

Quote from: mcb855
I am not trying to think that much about it trying to stay busy, i find it hard to believe after all the trips, many gifts, and things i have done for her.  I know it is harder on me.  Do i just give her her "space"?

I am by no means trying to pour salt into a wound here, and it's possible that she was just simply shocked/upset by the "friending," as many FSUW really don't go along with the "friends with exes or other sex" thing all that much, something you should have understood if this is or isn't the case by now with your girl.  I have to point out that "trips, many gifts and things you've done for her" does not a relationship or marriage make.  You are not buying affection, and shouldn't be trying to; nothing is owed, either the relationship exists and is real, or is not. 

I'd still give it a few days.  If you're talking to a close friend of hers, you should have simply asked if it was really about the FB thing or something else, because it doesn't seem that you know, even from her friend. 

Good luck! :(

Offline Vinnvinny

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #9 on: September 01, 2012, 05:40:05 PM »
I wouldn't want to be trying to changing this lady's mind. If she's dumped me for something so trivial (FSU people use the 'like' feature on their version of facebook as much as 'we' do) what is she going to be like when the going gets tough, which inevitably it will from time to time?

Offline Donhollio

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #10 on: September 01, 2012, 05:48:43 PM »
 MCB I think you avoided a train wreck. Tossing a relationship away over a thumbs up and small comment is just too ridiculous to break off an engagement. Sorry it happen to you, but really have you thought about what other things will set her off?  Keep at it with someone else, she is very young, and having cold feet is no uncommon.
 Best of luck in what ever path you choose.

Offline ECR844

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #11 on: September 01, 2012, 11:30:49 PM »
Here's something I haven't read as being touched on in this thread but which maybe a factor. I've had experience with some FSU women who are very dramatic <I've seen differing levels of 'severity' of this with most FSU ladies>, when they feel you've committed some transgression. Luckily my wife isn't like this! I mean these chicks so afflicted with these personality traits could really earn an Oscar. They may be sweet as pie but can turn it on at the drop of a hat.

Perhaps your fiancee is one of these? Experience teaches me that in these cases the lady will display any number of severe behaviors and threats based on how severe she perceives your transgression were <real or imagined>.

Her behaviour could be anything from threats to yelling, and carrying on to silence for long periods. They do whatever they think will be effective in getting their desired pre-determined and desired response out of you. Until that happens, it will continue and possibly escalate until she's decided the two of you are done, you've decided you two are done, or you two make 'peace'.

The alternative is it could all be a big test for you?

The key for you is figuring out what exactly it is you need to do to get it to stop and go back to normal. You either know or maybe you can get her into coming out with it? Then you can either make that happen or walk away. Your call. The thing for you to realize is it won't stop if this is the case with your lady. It will be a recurring theme in your lives together.

The decision you need to make is whether you're willing to deal with this aspect of being with her or not. Only you can make that call.

I've learned a few things in the past as I gained more FSUW experience on my journey. YMMV :8)

FSUW have this innate ability to have an intense, emotional, passionate, deep expressive connection with someone whom they have serious interest in and or wish to pursue a relationship with. When they decide to be expressive, and show you their feelings. You'll feel like a king and wax and wane philosophic about how XYZ is the best on earth.

As each is different there will be a million obvious and not so obvious ways they show you and things they'll do for you and your family. All of that is all well and good and your own 'eutopic heaven' continues until A.) They decide they are over it, B.) They have achieved their predetermined goal, C.) The guy FUBAR'd something and or many things over time and they have decided enough is enough and D.) They decide to move on or E.) You both live 'happily ever after'.

When it's on it's on, until it's not. Then you don't exist, you never existed and you're out. Once your out....You're out. You might get unusually lucky and get a second bite at the apple but things are often 'different' the second time around. When it's done its 'Thanks for playing, please don't try again,' time. This isn't like the wishy-washy 'let's be nice,' and 'let's be friends' crap you get in the west.

I'm so lucky and happy that I found my wife and I'm glad that it's always 'on'.... I hope some of you are able to experience the same in your own journey.

Offline Ade

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #12 on: September 02, 2012, 12:05:47 AM »
I wouldn't want to be trying to changing this lady's mind. If she's dumped me for something so trivial (FSU people use the 'like' feature on their version of facebook as much as 'we' do) what is she going to be like when the going gets tough, which inevitably it will from time to time?

Yep. +quite a lot.

Having been married to an insanely jealous bunny boiler, it's not something I'd recommend. So even if she wasn't just using this as an excuse to call it off and you can persuade her to take you back, don't. Call it quits and move on.

Offline mcb885

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #13 on: September 03, 2012, 06:59:14 PM »
I do have a top secret clearance and while i applied to get it i told them all about my foreign fiancee.  It brought no issues just told them everything.  We talked on Skype this morning it was nice.  I think it went well.  She was still upset but started to come around a little.  I am not keeping my fingers crossed as the visa is about to be done.  The service center said within two weeks I will know.  But from there she has to go to Kiev to do interview and what not.  I am not sure I will have enough time before mid November.  I am just more concerned about where she and I are.  I most likely will not bring her out right away, will wait till after school.  I do get a couple weeks off in December so i will be going out there.  Like I said my main concern is just getting things where they were before this incident.  Things were going very well.  Yes, I know it could be other reasons why she said it but I explained everything to her (she was accusing me of having sex with this girl).  But i am trying to keep a level head, not get too assured because we are talking again, just take it a day at a time.  I do care about her and I do trust her.  I think trust is a big thing.  She is young which can scare me because she sometimes gets very emotional.  She has a good friend who is married to a man in the French Foreign Legion and things are fine with them.  He is gone from time to time but she can handle it.  I do have worries but like i said I am just trying to take it a day at a time, get things back to where they were before this incident which will take some time.  I did admit to her I made a mistake and I was sorry.  I think she took it a little too far but we will see.  I do appreciate all the feed back!!!

Offline CzechMate

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Re: Soon to be trainwreck
« Reply #14 on: September 03, 2012, 07:34:01 PM »
Facebook (and all its counterparts) can be a trainwreck in and of itself.  People of all ages get tied up in knots over a friend's post, the comment of a friend of a friend, etc.  To me it is just boggling. 

One idea would be to set up a mutual password for each of you so that you can log in and "see" each other's pages.  I am not suggesting that you give up all privacy, but perhaps in this situation it could help both of you be more comfortable and "understand" each other better, especially during times that you will be deployed. 

My ex- and I were on good terms, just not suited to one another and the military lifestyle.  I do not like the idea of FB, but my spouse got hooked and I admit I just did not get it for a long time.  But sitting back and just watching how the page was used, the friends that she had, the pics posted, etc. made it a non-issue.  In fact, it quickly became boring!

It does seem that younger people take it much more seriously than my generation, though.

Just a thought, gents.  Respectfully not asking for another attack (re: other posts about internet hygiene).  This is meant as potentially helpful advice, nothing more or less. 
When I shoot, I recover the spent casing and reload the brass.