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Author Topic: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.  (Read 34475 times)

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Online AvHdB

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Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« on: March 18, 2012, 10:31:44 AM »
A number of posters have recently from different perspectives discussed and asked not only about their wife or fiancé, but also the children that they come along with.

It certainly can be argued that a woman with out children is easier to move to Western Europe or North America. But things happen. Women meet and greet, bed and wed. Sproglets enter this world and people get divorced. Often as opposed to the west the mothers become sole provider and care giver. The father does little except with holds the permission to allow the child to move with the mother.

My feeling is a woman aged 30 and above is more mature and settled in her expectations. But this is just a minor guess.

I have three times dated women, one from Russian and two from Ukraine; with children and in two cases have clearly seen this. (The Russian woman was unusual in that she had spent almost two years in America as a single Mom, working)

So perhaps members with experience (or none) can comment and give suggestions in the areas.

     1.) What is the best way to obtain the fathers approval (blessing) for the departure of his child to a foreign country?

     2.) What have you done with your spouse/partner to help the child with the transition to a different culture?

     3.) Have you helped to maintain the child’s former culture and language?

     4.) What would you never do?

I realize every woman and child is different, Thank the Lord. But if you can share what you have seen or done great. If you have seen situations where everything goes pear shaped please share, maybe some one can avoid making the same blunders.

Feel free to forward this onto members who might have in the past had something to write.
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Offline missAmeno

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2012, 09:56:40 AM »
For any child (regardless of age, as I know some members here believe that its easier for younger kids) moving to new country is stressful. Leaving behind friends, relatives, things they used to and moving to unknown isnt easy. Suddenly child have to adopt to new school, learn new language, make new friends, cope with missing of old friends. Its quiet a lot for a kid.

One of most important things in my opinion that right attitude regarding moving is set before actual moving. Child should be looking at moving to new place as a little adventure with positive emotions. If child for any reasons feeling negatively about moving it will make harder to adopt to new life. And so the way child will look at relocation will very much depends on mother and support from other family members. Family should in advance help child to learn about new country and how life in new country could be positive experience. At the same time its a stick with two ends as mother by her self have very limited information as of what to expect and rising child hopes seems wrong thing to do.
Example when about 4 years ago we have been moving from London to Wales my kids (althought upset about leaving friends behind) been looking forward to possibilities of having more time outdoors.

Another important factor in my opinion for kids to be able easy to make new friends otherwise they will feel lonely. When we moved to Wales my oldest child (girl aged 6 years old at a time) have been finding more difficult to adjust to new place as she had few very good friends back in London and was missing them very much. On her last birthday she invited 56 friends and thats as she said "only my best friends".  So when you planning to move you must make sure child will have ability to meet and play with kids of similar age.

Also insuring that child have similar activities he/she used to have back in her own country is important. Example if child was participating in dance/art/sport/etc classes same or similar opportunities should be available in new country. Just keep them busy, give them new experiences, positive feelings.

Possibility of keeping comunication with old friends and family members left behind will play role as well. They may want to write letters/emails and be able to talk often on phone with people they are missing. Such possibilities should be provided for them.

I would not advise put any pressure on learning new language, child will be frustrated enough without such pressure. New language will come naturally when child is ready for it and mainly will be driven by communication (or wish to communicate) with new friends. When my kids after moving started welsh school (where teachers and staff talk to them only in welsh) they felt frustrated and fall behind in their studying. Right now they arent any different from any other kid in school, their welsh language improving every day and doesnt effect any more their other studies. Be patient and give child plenty time to adjust and learn new language.
Hypocrisy is the state of pretending to have beliefs, opinions, virtues, ideals, thoughts, feelings, qualities, or standards that one does not actually have. Hypocrisy involves the deception of others and is thus a kind of lie.

Online AvHdB

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2012, 10:01:25 AM »
Miss A,

Thank you very insightful.

AvHdB
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Offline Brasscasing

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #3 on: March 21, 2012, 10:09:09 AM »
In fact an insightful enough post from Miss A to warrant this topic being awarded a sticky. :)

Brass

“I am a Canadian, free to speak without fear, free to worship in my own way, free to stand for what I think right, free to oppose what I believe wrong, or free to choose those who shall govern my country. This heritage of freedom I pledge to uphold for myself and all mankind."  ~ John Diefenbaker

P.S....Unless you happen to live in Quebec and are subject to the Quebec Charter Of Values, of course.

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2012, 11:56:31 AM »
And I thought I did yet again something wrong or offensive.

From several threads and chat this subject has come up and it would be useful if other members shared there insights and thoughts.
“If you aren't in over your head, how do you know how tall you are?” T.S. Eliot

Offline mendeleyev

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #5 on: March 21, 2012, 01:39:02 PM »
Great topic and insights!

The host spouse has a large responsibility to assist the immigrating spouse and children in the initial move and ongoing adjustment. It is not a 6 month or 1 year process, rather moving forward long term. Awareness and openness on the part of the host spouse is required.

I did okay in the move over to the USA but in hindsight my wife did a much better job when we later returned to Russia. I learned a lot from her about how to do it more smoothly.

Offline bgreed

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2012, 02:55:05 PM »
Since I did this process (moving a spouse with a child)  I gues I can speak from actual experience.

Wow where to start. Artems father had never really been a part in his life from the time that he was born to the time I first met my wife his father had only seen him about three times so no real connection between them. However this boy had been starving for a mans attention all his life.  Russia and Ukraine being what they are sometimes you have to do what you have to do to accomplish a task that may otherwise be very difficult or costly.

Just to give you alittle insite to our relationship Artems first question after Lena and I got married was "When can I call you Dad?"

He actually in a lot of ways adjusted more quickly than his mom.  His English was passable before he left Ukraine at age 8 ( Geez has been so long already?) At his school here in the US they enrolled him in an ESL class so at this point except for a verbage slip now and again you wouldn't know he wasn't an American kid.

He did have a little trouble making friends at first which is a bit amazing because he is the most affable outgoing kid you can imagine. I think it was more a point of kids being standoffish with the new kid with the funny accent.

He has adjusted great could care less about going back to UA does miss some of his moms close friends. Mom in law comes to visit so he gets to see her. Her husband doesn't really care to come.  His grandfather will be next to visit just a matter of getting it arranged since he speaks no English trying figure how to keep him entertained while he's here.

Now as far as wife goes there were some hurdles there as things are so very different and there are always hidden expectations about the USA that persist even when you try to dispell them. Like no we don't have a money tree in the backyard. It takes huge amounts of patience (buy extra then buy stock your gonna need it)

Have somethings set up for her like nice hangers in her closet. A showerhead with a hose.  Leave somethings for her to pick out to decorate in the house.  She going to need something to do while your at work and she's not driving yet.  Plan to take some time off when she first gets here to get her aclimated a bit.  DO NOT take her out to eat at all the best places in town right away.  (I know you want to show here all the cool stuff right now) it just sets a bad precident for how things are.  Make meals at home maybe invite a FEW close friends to introduce her to.

Maybe and here I mean really be careful.  Find some local Russians to befriend her it can have it's good points and it's difficulties.  There are some out of jealousy that will try to cause problems in your relationship. Others will be some of the finest people you will ever meet.

There is tons to consider and things come up day to day to slap you in the back of the head.  And leave you wondering "Where did that come from??)  patience is so key and a sense of humor on your side even if the other half of the house is not cooperating.

For me an open question and answer would be easier because there is SOOOOO much ground to cover.

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #7 on: March 21, 2012, 03:51:29 PM »

So perhaps members with experience (or none) can comment and give suggestions in the areas.

     1.) What is the best way to obtain the fathers approval (blessing) for the departure of his child to a foreign country?

     2.) What have you done with your spouse/partner to help the child with the transition to a different culture?

     3.) Have you helped to maintain the child’s former culture and language?

     4.) What would you never do?


1.
Best way for father's approval is that she already has it or a court order already in hand.  The latter was our case and this point was clarified very early on.  The court order was effective many years before we met and not in any way related to our having met or desire to seek a foreign partner.

2.
Children IMHO have an easier time integrating.  The younger they are the easier it gets.  Do however plan to spend at least as much time with the child as with your future spouse prior to 'pulling the trigger'.  Your relationship with any child involved is as important as that with your flame.  This includes your own kids if you have them.

3.
Encourage any and all languages.  Kids, especially young tend to thrive in multi language environments. A natural ability to 'switch instantly' between languages is a very valuable asset.  Our son at 9 uses three languages daily, Russian, Italian and English.  Add a smattering of German.

4.
Huge list.....
Never, ever consider a child as 'leverage'.  Thinking that a woman will stay with you because of her dependent child is simply wrong.

Never, ever consider a child as an 'option' or 'accessory' like power windows in your car.  They are full blown human beings and your relationship with them is as important as that you have with your future spouse.

Never, ever rationalize the costs of supporting a child.  It is very expensive.

Never, ever fail to discuss your thoughts and ideals regarding upbringing and discipline.

Never, ever fail to involve your own children in a new relationship with your prospective spouse and her children if applicable.

Beware if you have little or no experience with children. Parenting is a daunting task and responsibility.

Beware that a failed relationship with a lone spouse is one thing.  If a child is involved, even if only your own quite another.

Beware that the ultimate consequences of the demise of a marital relationship can be quite destructive from the child's POV.  The estranged spouse is an adult and will survive, ANY child on the other hand will suffer extremely, even destructively.

And all this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as children are concerned.

BTW, excellent topic.



Offline Dogsoldier

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #8 on: March 21, 2012, 03:57:43 PM »
I might be able to offer my perspective on this in some months. We have thought long and hard about this and discussed it no end. We can do our best to prepare children but until the move actually happens one can't predict reactions to new circumstances. One shouldn't forget that its not only the child(ren) of your spouse who are impacted but your child(ren) who are going to have to face major upheaval and change in their life.

Offline ptgarner1

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2012, 05:07:09 AM »
A number of posters have recently from different perspectives discussed and asked not only about their wife or fiance, but also the children that they come along with.

It certainly can be argued that a woman with out children is easier to move to Western Europe or North America. But things happen. Women meet and greet, bed and wed. Sproglets enter this world and people get divorced. Often as opposed to the west the mothers become sole provider and care giver. The father does little except with holds the permission to allow the child to move with the mother.

My feeling is a woman aged 30 and above is more mature and settled in her expectations. But this is just a minor guess.

I have three times dated women, one from Russian and two from Ukraine; with children and in two cases have clearly seen this. (The Russian woman was unusual in that she had spent almost two years in America as a single Mom, working)

So perhaps members with experience (or none) can comment and give suggestions in the areas.

     1.) What is the best way to obtain the fathers approval (blessing) for the departure of his child to a foreign country?

     2.) What have you done with your spouse/partner to help the child with the transition to a different culture?

     3.) Have you helped to maintain the child’s former culture and language?

     4.) What would you never do?

I realize every woman and child is different, Thank the Lord. But if you can share what you have seen or done great. If you have seen situations where everything goes pear shaped please share, maybe some one can avoid making the same blunders.

Feel free to forward this onto members who might have in the past had something to write.
   Sure..I will speak from my experience....since my daughter from Ukraine is now 7 years old...
response to question number 1.....Rita was very worried that her ex would not allow their daughter to move......more out of spite since he rarely even saw the child.....First she had to get his Ukrainian passport out of the pawn shop and then she did  bribe him with a bottle of nice vodka...(seriously..sadly this is what he asked for)......She knew she could not tell him she was moving because of a man...so she said she had a job cleaning houses in America.

 We tried to help Nadiya adjust as best we could....to be honest , I am not sure how much it helped.....since she struggled with the language and "thats now how we do this in Yalta"....it was very helpful that she had not only my kids to play/fight with...but also a girl in the neighborhood of the same age....however it was only after 6 months and after she started and was settled in school that she was happy....before that each time she would get upset she would cry and beg Rita to move back to Yalta......and for awhile it was close.

   Probably the greatest help in transition was us finding a group of Russian ladies  thru a very small local Orthodox church....in fact in spite of all my efforts including children (8 and 11 years old) spending 9 days in Ukraine and talking with both on Skype for literally 100's hours, Rita was close to moving back....
    Her local agency in Yalta was also a huge help...as they several times counseled her for an hour or more via skype to help her try to adjust...then they would speak with me to make sure I understood exactly  how to help....
   What would I never do???.....Rita and I have talked about this several times....never again would either one of us believe in such a simplistic
idea as such an easy happily ever after.....it has been difficult to say the least...the bottom line is that even when she was seriously about to move back...the problem was not between us... she even asked if I could move back with her.
 Now we have known each other for almost 2 years...I can easily say we are more in love than ever and all seems to go well....))
   One final amusing note.......for several years I could not help but notice a seriously beautiful lady with a young daughter at the neighborhood pool....she always came with her much older husband and she never spoke.....turns out she is from Ukraine....she gave me the strangest look when Rita introduced her to me....seems that was not her husband after all....instead her boss....she was uneasy to go to such a public place by herself...she was divorced and has lived here for 5 years....3 of them with me thinking how lucky her older husband was to have such an incredible wife......I think the term right under my nose would apply here... :ROFL:

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2012, 12:07:57 PM »
PT,

Thanks for your insightful and honest reply. I can only say WOW. The illusion that sometimes I sense once your bride is here everything will be easy, is definitely false. One illusion poorer.  :'(

What is interesting is that the agency in Yalta has continued to support and help the two of you. Considering some of the initials comments that were made (my self included) this is in fact amazing.  :hidechair:

My own opinion and feeling is the younger the child the easier it is to make a transition. Also as something of an expat in Amsterdam I have seen families come here from Canada and United States and watch the children fail and fall apart at the transition.

Good luck with your future and let us know about how things proceed.  :popcorn:

AvHdB
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Offline Dogsoldier

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #11 on: March 25, 2012, 04:00:34 PM »
PT

Thanks for sharing your experiences. It really brings home the difficulties involved in uprooting young ones from their familial environs. It also highlights the anxieties that the parent faces in dealing with the transition, both for themself and the child.
Good for you and yours that you all made it through.

Offline missAmeno

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #12 on: March 25, 2012, 04:21:53 PM »
My own opinion and feeling is the younger the child the easier it is to make a transition.

I think transition will be easy only with toddler. At any other age it will depend very much on personality of child and surrounding life back home and in new environment.

As well I think transition is easier for boys (of course again depends on personality of child) as girls are much more emotional and every issue can be exaggerated 10 times more then it actually worth. But thats just the way girls are.

....however it was only after 6 months and after she started and was settled in school that she was happy....before that each time she would get upset she would cry and beg Rita to move back to Yalta......and for awhile it was close.

Ptgarner1, I believe it would take about one year for child to settle down at new place and if you and Rita accomplish it in 6 months you did great job. Glad that it all worked out for all of you.  tiphat
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Offline NS1

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #13 on: March 27, 2012, 10:01:37 AM »
This is a great topic. I search for a women with a child and dated one. ( now understand a bit more)
One thing not mentioned so far. The grand parents of the child leaving, how involved they are
and what you can do to make this better also. Many cases the women and child live with
parents, so this becomes a big factor. Does Momma even know how to use a computer??
When my girlfriend ( at the time) came for visit, we set up computer for Mama and Daughter to be able to
skype! This worked great until, computer had a problem. took 5 days to fix the computer, it was not
good. Even though  she could phone any time, skype is still better, even just to say hi to home.
More to think of :)
There is nothing permanent except change.

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #14 on: July 19, 2012, 08:27:35 PM »
Quote


So perhaps members with experience (or none) can comment and give suggestions in the areas.

     1.) What is the best way to obtain the fathers approval (blessing) for the departure of his child to a foreign country?

     2.) What have you done with your spouse/partner to help the child with the transition to a different culture?

     3.) Have you helped to maintain the child’s former culture and language?

     4.) What would you never do?


1.
Best way for father's approval is that she already has it or a court order already in hand.  The latter was our case and this point was clarified very early on.  The court order was effective many years before we met and not in any way related to our having met or desire to seek a foreign partner.

2.
Children IMHO have an easier time integrating.  The younger they are the easier it gets.  Do however plan to spend at least as much time with the child as with your future spouse prior to 'pulling the trigger'.  Your relationship with any child involved is as important as that with your flame.  This includes your own kids if you have them.

3.
Encourage any and all languages.  Kids, especially young tend to thrive in multi language environments. A natural ability to 'switch instantly' between languages is a very valuable asset.  Our son at 9 uses three languages daily, Russian, Italian and English.  Add a smattering of German.

4.
Huge list.....
Never, ever consider a child as 'leverage'.  Thinking that a woman will stay with you because of her dependent child is simply wrong.

Never, ever consider a child as an 'option' or 'accessory' like power windows in your car.  They are full blown human beings and your relationship with them is as important as that you have with your future spouse.

Never, ever rationalize the costs of supporting a child.  It is very expensive.

Never, ever fail to discuss your thoughts and ideals regarding upbringing and discipline.

Never, ever fail to involve your own children in a new relationship with your prospective spouse and her children if applicable.

Beware if you have little or no experience with children. Parenting is a daunting task and responsibility.

Beware that a failed relationship with a lone spouse is one thing.  If a child is involved, even if only your own quite another.

Beware that the ultimate consequences of the demise of a marital relationship can be quite destructive from the child's POV.  The estranged spouse is an adult and will survive, ANY child on the other hand will suffer extremely, even destructively.

And all this is just the tip of the iceberg as far as children are concerned.

BTW, excellent topic.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
+1 with the above

first off it must be recognised i believe that fsuw , generally having less children and often one , the child/ren are extremely precious to their mums/familys ..so in all matters this should be considered , i never consider anything without discusing it with my wife and seek her opinion and guidance , generally we are on the same page , if not i defer to her wisdom in most cases

she also recognises i have been a good and succesful dad to my 4 biological children so having a good track record of living evidence to date  in my 4 succesful biological children helps in discussing opinions & outcomes on parenting for all of them

1 in our case fathers approval wasnt needed as he was deceased , i know of local couples who have used court orders and the bribe as well to get the approval even when one dad was in turkey

 2 with several children myself  [2 boys 2 girls ] from my first marriage in the same age group [16-22 ] ,as my new stepson  i was lucky to be able to introduce them all to each other via skype , get them to email , phone , and generally involve my step son into their thinking as a part of their lives in oz even 12 months before he arrived ,
it was also very important his associated family , aunties ,uncles grandparents , gafve him positive advice about his move to oz , yes it would be difficult for some time , but he should stick to it and develop himself to the new enviroment and oppurtunitys ...my wifes , sister was very strong on this point also in her sister to sister discussions ,

we encourage him to keep up contact with his family and friends overseas as much as possible , his mum however wont allow him to return , due to the threat of the army conscript situation  ,given ukraine doesnt recognise dual citizenship  so he will have to decide this as he gets past 18

 , we treat all 5 of our now children the same , & at every oppurtunity in the begining i demonstrated this to my wife , the house rules are the same for all of them , no distinction , he is agreat boy and has settled in well , coming from abig city to a much smaller country city  , like many  teenagers in ukriane he is well read and academic , however we have introduced him to the outside world abit more , things like rifle shooting , boating , fishing , outdoor camping etc, all have helped bond him into a bigger family 

english lessons also helped as his english was poor to start , now it is very good,
i have never tried to father him , more lead by example and involve him ,talk with him and find common interests that we can develop together , encourage him & praise him as warranted

3  ukraine /russian english are all spoken at home at will by all , we encourage it !!! although my russian , ukraine is still pretty basic  ,,it can be a very interesting household at times , i encourage my wife and son to continue to spend some together time in their  own native tongue , as im sure the bigger family can be at times a little overwhelming
i actually enjoy listening to the conversation , and how it flows between them in their native tongue , especially the finer points of humour that get missed in translation

4 never do ??
basically never treat a new addition to the family other than you would biological children ,

just a few thoughts , way more that could be added

bob
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #15 on: July 19, 2012, 10:18:50 PM »
Bob from Down Under,

Thank you, while is some matters I have a different thoughts. It is good to see a measured thought & opinion.

AvHdB
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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2013, 06:52:36 AM »
In Dec 2004, the move from Kazakhstan (with10-y/o stepson) caused a big problem not listed in detail from other posts:  :plane:.  As mentioned by others, the bigest transition was the language issue (mentioned by others), but the less mentioned second transition "issue" was the fact that they were pulled out of a FSU "City" environment and placed in a US "Suburban" environment.  In the FSU city environment, everyone has access to public transportation, where in the USA Suburban environment, there is little or no access to public transportation.  Since She could not drive an auto for about 6 months, this was like a prison while I was away at work during the day.

Keep this in mind when planning a transition


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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #17 on: July 30, 2013, 07:02:50 AM »
Blast, Welcome to RUA there are a number of threads about moving children and the problems with different ages of smalls and transistions.

You might want to respond to a JustMD (use the search function) and read his concerns. He also hopes to shortly have a spouse with a child of about ten from one of the Stans.

Av
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Offline shycat

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #18 on: December 15, 2013, 06:20:29 AM »
Hello

This is a very good topic and a MUST for those bringing over children from FSUs

Ok my action items are below:

1. The women you bring over will be in isolation literally and if she speaks very little
English you will have to give her endless emotional support by (a few suggestions here)
  a. Bring her English up to speed ASAP> I suggest giving her English lessons while in
    bed and her child(ren) are asleep. If you work this is the only QUIET TIME YOU HAVE.
    I would go over a very easy book with her>a catagory she likes > Mystery's for example
    or with alot of women ROMANCE NOVELs!!
  b. Please I know the drive to make Love is FIRST but if you do DO IT IN ENGLISH!!!
      (OK please allow me a little humor here!!)
  c. Make Games out of learning English like show her how to cook and go OVER ALL THE
     SEASONING IN ENGLISH, condiments, flour, salt ect ect and dishes!!!!
  d. A Women wants to feel useful that is why I say BE A COUPLE in the KITCHEN and show her
     how to COOK WESTERN>OR CHINESE or JAPANESE or MEXICAN> believe me she will be
     very interested. (Please folks do not say I am saying to KEEP HER IN THE KITCHEN barefoot
     and pregnant!!) It is just at home TASK that you can bring her up to SPEED QUICKLY using English
   c. So you are now helping her and showing her how the house operates IN ENGLISH FIRST AND FOREMOST
       but in a kind and loving way> SHE WILL REALLY FIND this amazing. A man can cook, sew and wash
       dishes, clothes and DO IT ALL!!!!  She will actually find this amusing. Pretty soon she will take over the
       whole house in about 3-4 months>just need to jump start her!!!!
2. This is the most difficult one here> She needs to build first and foremost and bond with YOU not anyone else like her MOTHER BACK HOME or a NEW RUSSIAN Girlfriend here at YOUR HOME. Me I would NOT GET
a FSU women involved with your wife UNTIL you establish a strong bond with your new wife> It takes about
1-3 years.
3. I would get your closest FEMALE FAMILY MEMBER to show her the ropes here in the US > your aunt, your mother, your grandmother and here is where I give CAUTION>>>
4. I would sever the ties back to Ukraine or Russian as quick as you can> no contact with multiple trips back to Russian or the Ukraine or endless SKYPING!!! She has to make it here or she will go back. Support is good but she must find that support from YOU and YOUR FAMILY HERE not back THERE.

Once that Bond is made with your NEW WIFE you now must be very very careful that you do as she EXPECTs
because she will EXPECT emotional things from you that you will have NO IDEA what the HECK she is talking
about. And that is based on her Russian Culture. Get READY GENTs because that is the hard part to figure out!!! It will take years!!!

So have a sit down Couples TALK Each Week. Hold her hand when you do and look strait into her eyes and
say Honey is everything OK this week. Is there anything that is wrong. Russian women always keep things
back (well most women do) but Russian women I find are notorious from not sharing their emotions. How can you blame them most of the time they get their emotions rolled over in Russia. Talking to her on a planned day is good and so consideration and respect for her. And she will yet again be amazed that you care. Do not make it PLANNED Time just DO IT. Because she will need constant emotional support and you need to always be checking in on her emotional state. One day or time she will just break down and cry. And most likely more than a few times................................SO BE THERE or you might LOSE HER.

The first 6 months are critical ......................and her child will adapt very quickly and she WILL NOT> for her
it will takes YEARS if EVER. It depends ON YOU. The CLOSER YOUR BOND THE QUICKER HER TRANSITION!!

Ok my 2 cents.

Shycat..............

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #19 on: December 15, 2013, 08:29:05 AM »
Sorry, I have not had enough coffee at 10:30 am.

Shy Cat, welcome to RUA. Than you for posting on an existing thread than starting a new thread. But I am confused are you already married for six years or are you at the three year junction?



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Offline shycat

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #20 on: December 15, 2013, 08:58:29 AM »
Sorry AV

I thought I replied when I posted. Did not mean to start a new thread.

My words are just my own of course............................. but the issue
is very interesting because of the cultural differences.

ShyCat

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #21 on: December 15, 2013, 11:29:00 AM »
In Dec 2004, the move from Kazakhstan (with10-y/o stepson) caused a big problem not listed in detail from other posts:  :plane:.  As mentioned by others, the bigest transition was the language issue (mentioned by others), but the less mentioned second transition "issue" was the fact that they were pulled out of a FSU "City" environment and placed in a US "Suburban" environment.  In the FSU city environment, everyone has access to public transportation, where in the USA Suburban environment, there is little or no access to public transportation.  Since She could not drive an auto for about 6 months, this was like a prison while I was away at work during the day.

Keep this in mind when planning a transition
This is a good point, Blast. Now days many more FSU women own cars and know how to drive, but if they don't, taking driving lessons in the FSU while waiting for the visa might be a good idea. They can get an international driver license in Russia which will allow them to drive in the US as soon as they arrive. If they don't get the international license knowing how to drive will help them take and pass the test for the US license much quicker. I believe they offer the written test in many languages, Russian included.
So an FSU woman could become mobile a lot sooner than 6 months by taking these steps, and take some of the transition stress off. Feeling/being trapped in the house in the US suburbia can be a hard thing to deal with for a woman.   

Offline Mikeav8r

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #22 on: December 15, 2013, 02:04:41 PM »
In Dec 2004, the move from Kazakhstan (with10-y/o stepson) caused a big problem not listed in detail from other posts:  :plane:.  As mentioned by others, the bigest transition was the language issue (mentioned by others), but the less mentioned second transition "issue" was the fact that they were pulled out of a FSU "City" environment and placed in a US "Suburban" environment.  In the FSU city environment, everyone has access to public transportation, where in the USA Suburban environment, there is little or no access to public transportation.  Since She could not drive an auto for about 6 months, this was like a prison while I was away at work during the day.

Keep this in mind when planning a transition
This is a good point, Blast. Now days many more FSU women own cars and know how to drive, but if they don't, taking driving lessons in the FSU while waiting for the visa might be a good idea. They can get an international driver license in Russia which will allow them to drive in the US as soon as they arrive. If they don't get the international license knowing how to drive will help them take and pass the test for the US license much quicker. I believe they offer the written test in many languages, Russian included.
So an FSU woman could become mobile a lot sooner than 6 months by taking these steps, and take some of the transition stress off. Feeling/being trapped in the house in the US suburbia can be a hard thing to deal with for a woman.

Good to know.  I was not aware that a Russian International license would be valid here.  Tanya has her own car and is an excellent driver (according to her :) ) so that would be one big hurdle overcome in the early stages.  English signs would pose a problem though, so some driving her around to show her the way around would be a must...but then again, anyone moving to a new city would experience this to a degree.
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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #23 on: December 15, 2013, 02:30:24 PM »
In Dec 2004, the move from Kazakhstan (with10-y/o stepson) caused a big problem not listed in detail from other posts:  :plane:.  As mentioned by others, the bigest transition was the language issue (mentioned by others), but the less mentioned second transition "issue" was the fact that they were pulled out of a FSU "City" environment and placed in a US "Suburban" environment.  In the FSU city environment, everyone has access to public transportation, where in the USA Suburban environment, there is little or no access to public transportation.  Since She could not drive an auto for about 6 months, this was like a prison while I was away at work during the day.

Keep this in mind when planning a transition
This is a good point, Blast. Now days many more FSU women own cars and know how to drive, but if they don't, taking driving lessons in the FSU while waiting for the visa might be a good idea. They can get an international driver license in Russia which will allow them to drive in the US as soon as they arrive. If they don't get the international license knowing how to drive will help them take and pass the test for the US license much quicker. I believe they offer the written test in many languages, Russian included.
So an FSU woman could become mobile a lot sooner than 6 months by taking these steps, and take some of the transition stress off. Feeling/being trapped in the house in the US suburbia can be a hard thing to deal with for a woman.

Good to know.  I was not aware that a Russian International license would be valid here.  Tanya has her own car and is an excellent driver (according to her :) ) so that would be one big hurdle overcome in the early stages.  English signs would pose a problem though, so some driving her around to show her the way around would be a must...but then again, anyone moving to a new city would experience this to a degree.

It is state dependent Mike. In some you are good to go, in some limited validity, in some no validity. We have an old topic on this someplace........

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Re: Children of spouses & how to successfully move both of them.
« Reply #24 on: December 15, 2013, 02:45:20 PM »
I believe that what shycat wrote above, makes a lot of sense. Could be even a good start for a great manual for the international relations!  :party0031:
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