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Author Topic: Freaked out with a long way to go.  (Read 17453 times)

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Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #30 on: October 05, 2011, 02:30:17 AM »
any advice?

Grow up and be a man.

Thanks for the response.
I'll tell you what.
I'll grow up when you grow a brain.
Could be a while.

Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #31 on: October 05, 2011, 02:37:19 AM »
Divorce her.



You were dumb enough to tell her this ridiculous story, and now you wonder why she wants to be alone in her room?  I think we really need to hear her side of the story, and it seems that you and her are not meant for each other.



I let her read this story.
And i only showed it to her 3 days ago.
What is interesting is that she tried to explain her lack of intimacy as being based on the fact that her parents gave her no huggs or tenderness when she was a girl.

she also explained to me that she prefers to be in her own bed, and her parents sleep in different beds.

and she just lays there during sex.


so, what the person wrote in his email, fits this girl as if he is talking about her., and that is why i let her read it.

Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #32 on: October 05, 2011, 02:45:53 AM »
You do not seem like someone who is ready to date let alone be married. 

You mentioned you tried to ask her about past boyfriends - if she did tell you what would that help.  There is nothing to be gained about asking about her past sexual experiences or sharing yours.

You said she lives with her parents in Israel and now with you in Israel.  Do you spend a lot of time with her parents?

While she was working and you were sitting home you never thought once you could go to the store to buy food on your own.  She thinks your a child and not a husband.  Sorry to be blunt.  Israel is not hard to get around.


You will allow me to disagree with your opinion?

first of all, yes i get along fine with her parents.
I think i get along better with her mother then i get along with her.
As a matter of fact her mother, more then once has reprimanded her for not going with me to the beach, or for staying in her room when she comes home.
So, even her mother has seen that this girl is trying to keep her single life, while she is married.


and sure...
the first 3 weeks, i was lost in Israel, and also, i dont have a car.
So, maybe you are able to find your way in a new country the first 2 - 3 weeks on foot :), but i had to learn the streets.
Of course now i know how to get around here.
And also, i cook all my meals.
She does not cook for me.
She stopped doing that the second week.
She stopped doing anything that a normal wife does, about the 2nd week we were here.
Its now the 7th week into this nightmare, and i basically have found myself married to someone who i really only see at night, or a bit on her off days.
And i was not looking for a slave.
I was looking for the person who told me......"come and we will have our world".
So, i came, and "our world" means she wants to be in her room, on her PC.
"our world" means i cook all my meals and i eat them by myself as she prefers to eat alone.
"our world" means if i complain or tell her im lonli to be in the room all by myself all day 7 days a week, and she only comes to see me on occasion, then im "arguing".
If i point out that i have not seen her all day, and WHY does she come home and play with her cat, and take a bath, and cook herself a meal, ..........and check her emails,.............WHY cant she come and see me first?
Dont YOU see your loved one when you come home?
Do you spend an hour or 2 by yourself after work, or do you go right to your mate with a big kiss and a hello????
I get nothing,.
that is "our world".
"our world", SUCKS, and the issue is not me.
So, "our world" has turned into, "ignore husband".
And THAT is why im on this forum.
I thought, "well maybe someone here has an understanding of why Russian girls are like long distance bags of ice.
Im still waiting for someone to step up and tell me the facts.


Offline Chris

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #33 on: October 05, 2011, 02:50:16 AM »
Quote from: Still_Water
I thought, "well maybe someone here has an understanding of why Russian girls are like long distance bags of ice.

Man its simple, she is just not into you!   (:)

Offline Vinnvinny

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #34 on: October 05, 2011, 02:57:34 AM »
I think somebody is having a laugh with us. :-X

Offline Chris

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #35 on: October 05, 2011, 03:04:22 AM »
I think somebody is having a laugh with us. :-X

Me too  :(

Offline Manny

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #36 on: October 05, 2011, 03:16:49 AM »
Still_Water, you are going to have to face the fact that you married a woman you didn't know. The "online" stuff doesn't count; only the face to face stuff does. Now you are married, you have begun to get to know each other. It would seem that she's just not that into you, and for you, any hole is a goal.

The future isn't looking bright here. This is unlikely to be repaired to your mutual satisfaction. Start planning your exit strategy.

Guys: I just removed a couple of comments. Can we tone down the insults please? Engage with the bloke, offer constructive advice, but don't simply insult him.
please tell me where I'm being / have been 'dishonest'? 
Yes, he said that.........

Offline Paul

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #37 on: October 05, 2011, 03:20:28 AM »
Guys: I just removed a couple of comments. Can we tone down the insults please? Engage with the bloke, offer constructive advice, but don't simply insult him.

You're not dealing with fools, Manny, neither is "Still_Water".

Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #38 on: October 05, 2011, 03:20:58 AM »
Quote from: Still_Water
I thought, "well maybe someone here has an understanding of why Russian girls are like long distance bags of ice.

Man its simple, she is just not into you!   (:)

thats my feeling.
i think she committed to a mistake.
perhaps she was trying to do the honorable thing, by following through with me because i left my country for her.
So, to begin with, she was able to stand it, but after a few weeks, she just was not able to deal with "not being into me".
Some girls cant adapt to this at all.
Other girls are able to find something about you to love, but some girls have to have a true "click", that involves the physical, the mental, ect.....and maybe this girl is just one of those.

So, maybe what is happening here, is she has lost all interest, while im still deeply engaged in trying to make the relationship fire on all cylinders.

Maybe this is why her kisses are cold, her lovemaking is stale, and her affection is gone.

Maybe she is just doing her duty, based on her idea of......."well he came here, he married me, so, this is what i owe him".
Because, what im getting from her, feels like a debt being paid back, instead of any type of romantic energy.

or,
it could be that Russian girls, once they are offended, develop a sort of wall of resistance between them and you, and this wall has symptoms, which include, "ignore:", "cold"..."dead sex"...."no meals cooked"...."no interest shown".
Maybe she literally cant behave as a wife while she feels offended.
and she has felt offended for a month.
Maybe this is the result that im seeing and feeling.

What i do know, is that she told me that this huge room im in, was perfect to record in..
Im a musician.
I came here to make music, sell CDs, do gigs.
But this room , 5th floor, sits overlooking 2 intersecting streets and its so loud in here that i cant even hardly here the TV unless it on LOUD..
So, she didnt tell me the truth about this room.

Also, ive noticed that if she is angry, she will tell me something that is not the truth, just for the sake of trying to win an argument.
Another way to put it is......she will tell me little lies.
not good.

There is one more thing..
Ive noticed that she tends to look at men.
We were on the beach the second time she took me there.
(ive now been about 100 time by myself.........to the point that even her mother scolded her for never going with me).
So, this second time we are on the beach, this tall boy, who i felt looked like her last boyfriend came and stood in front of us for a while, as he was walking a small child slowly.
So, my wife noticed him, and kept noticing him.
So, i noticed this..
Soon, she is just turning her head in the direction of his chair, which was to our right about 100 feet away.
She just kept looking, to the point that i became offended, because it was so obvious.
However, i didnt accuse her, because, what was the point?
She turned her head to look for about 30 mins.
No kidding.
So, since then, i became really sensitized to this reality., and last weekend we were in church.
About 4 rows in front, there is a tall brown headed boy, who is really enjoying the worship music.
He is sort of dancing in his own way, and i see that my wife is fixated.
Once again, tall boy, brown hair = last Boy friend.
So, naturally, i get offended, and later, i asked her about this, and she admitted she was "fascinated" by his dancing...."but not in the way you think".....
So, i pointed out that starting at any male, >staring<, while with her husband, or BF, is very offensive.
Her response is that........."everybody looks".......and that "she does not care if i look".

so, translated, this means, she is looking at a tall boy, once again, in my presence who reminds her of her last BF, and also, to be told that "everybody looks", is simply telling me that she does look, will look, and that is how it will be.

Well, i dont know how you feel about your wife or boyfriend telling you that "everybody looks", and "go ahead and look yourself", but in my world, that does not fit my perspective of SATISFIED, or FAITHFUL.
Maybe it fits yours.
But for me, it was a slap in my face.

Since then, if we are together around men, i can see her start to look and then sort of jerk her head back to the neutral postions as she realizes that she is beginning to look and THERE I AM.
Yesterday we are in the car coming to a red light.
there on the corner is a tall, fine looking male, nice body.
She was trying so hard not to look that i think she had white knuckles on the steering wheel.

and the prob is not that she is unfaithful, .....thats not it.
she just has a thing about looking at men, and unfortunately she now has a husband, so there is the obvious conflict.
as i said, hopefully she can tame her wondering eye before she strains a ligament trying to look away after i see her looking.
 :reading:

Poor girl.
She is going to hurt her neck dealing with all these self control issues when i am around.
Of course when im not , she will just look:)

Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #39 on: October 05, 2011, 03:41:51 AM »
You say that she is not being a "wife", which you claim to need. Perhaps she needs a "husband" and not just someone for constant sex. Israeli women are proud people and respect those men who take the initiative and get things done. As was mentioned, go out and do the shopping, clean the apartment, and make a hot meal for when she gets home from work. If she is the one working all day, you have no excuses for sitting on your tush and doing nothing. There is no woman who will put up with that for long, and seems her limit was 1 week.

 So in my view, you have two choices. Either you free the lady and go back to the states, or you make some big efforts to earn her love and respect again. If you choose #2, it will not be easy, but if you want any chance of saving your marriage you must learn that efforts in a relationship goes both ways. You either earn it, or go home.

Ok let me state again.

I cook all my meals.
i fold the clothes.
I iron my clothes
i make the bed.
i clean the floor.
i clean the bathroom, toilet and sink.
i do ALL the dishes, not just mine., but hers, as she leaves them.
I also do her parents dishes.
i also buy the food now.
So, basically, ive become a bachelor in that i do everything by myself and for myself.

Im not lazy, and i dont just sit and demand to be waited on.
All ive asked of this girl is that when she is home, we are together most of the time.
This is a NEW MARRIAGE, and like i explained........when we are married 5 years, and 15, there is plenty of time to ignore and be ignored., ect.
But 7 weeks of marriage, and she tells me 2 weeks ago after sex........."so, how to you like marriage sex,...its not like when you meet someone for the first time, is it".
So then, i asked her how she would know this, and of course she tells me that she is just speaking in a "general way".
So, honestly, i dont think we have been married long enough to be having "marriage sex", when you consider that we have made love exactly 20 times in nearly 8 weeks.
I bet you and your lover made love the first week you started making love, about 20 times in 10 days.
So, 20 times in 8 weeks is NOTHING.
What newly married couple does not make love 2 or 3 times a day or night that first month or 2 or ?
C'mon.
So, im not asking for a lot of sex, and im not obsessed about sex......but we are a new couple and we have made love 20 times in 8 weeks?
Its NOT RIGHT, and its NOT NORMAL.
Something is off, blocked, broken, or impaired.
And as i stated, i have spent so much time with this girl when we DO make love trying to please her.
Any woman but this  one, truly, would be leaving work early just to be with me again.
And this girl, just has nothing for me, but, "i'll lay here and grab my ankles for you".
Everything that she does for me, .the feeling is........."lets get this over with".

We are too new of a couple for her to be talking to me about "marriage sex".
Its ridiculous.

Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #40 on: October 05, 2011, 03:46:25 AM »
Divorce her.

If you're unhappy with your sex life after seven weeks of marriage, what will it be like after seven years?

there is a man who wrote a long article about his misadventures regarding marrying 2 russian girls.

basically he said they are loveless, unaffectionate, lay there like a dead horse during sex, and prefer their own company to their husband.

If he keeps marrying the same kind of women and getting the same kind of results, methinks the problem lies with the fellow in question  :biggrin:

Its my first marriage.

Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #41 on: October 05, 2011, 04:01:20 AM »
Im an american she is :......
I met online 5 years ago, a girl who is a Ukranian/Russian/Jew who lived in The Crimea.
We fell in love online, and had what i thought was a very good relationship.
We took it slow, we stayed online for probably thousands of hours.
I thought we were a perfect fit, then i left the USA, and flew to Israel where she lives with her parents.
She is 33 and im a decade older.
We both are musicians, both are smart, both are easy going, friendly.
And i cant stand her.
And i think the feeling is mutual.
We have been married for about 7 weeks, and OMG, its been a war from the start.

There is a lot missing between having met online five years ago and having been married for about seven weeks. Would you please flesh it in a bit?

we met online in the summer of 2006.
we decided to meet eventually, but we wanted to take it slow, build a friendship/love online.
so, we did this for 5 years.
starting in 2009 we became serious about meeting, and planned it, but didnt meet till 2011.
we spent 2 hrs a day online some days, and 5 or 6 others.
we talked about everything under the sun.
we tried our best to discover each other's depths, mental aspects, life perspective, spirituality, and lifestyle.
we talked about everything..........everything.
it would be impossible for any 2 people to be any closer, having never met.
I have about 1500 of her emails.
Ive written her more.
this is in addition to all the hours online.
we also talked on the phone, and used the cam.
we are both musicians, and we shared a lot of music with each other.
we both came to the realization that we were a perfect fit., and shared a very good relationship online most of the time.
then i come here, and she is nothing at all like she claimed she was...
she is not affectionate, she has no clue about simple tenderness such as touching my hair or just laying in bed and playing.
She is just so distant......is the best way to describe it.
She will respond generally to what i do, but she is unable to do anything on her own.
She has such a "Im single" mentality, and when i cross this mental border, we fight like wild cats.
She always told me........"i flex to the man and that is what i do".
Well, she has not flexed to me at all.
Ive flexed and im now flexed out.
As i said in a previous post, its as if im the woman.
I do all the touching first.
I do everything first.....this girl cant seem to even understand her role with a man.
She just waits or ignores.
And im tired of this to the point that most of my thoughts now are about leaving this mess.
I have told her that marriage takes 2, and i cant do both parts.
I have told her that in a marriage, the thing you have to do, is realize that the most important thing in your life is the other person.
The other person takes priority over the cat, the job, the PC,.........everything.
She understands this  intellectually, but cant do it in reality.

as a matter of fact, nothing about this entire situation has turned out to be what she described.

she's a very clever girl, very smart, and is highly educated.
she speaks 3 languages fluently, and 2 others very well.
she loves to study, read, and sleep.

i have discovered that is she does not get 9 or 10 hours of real sleep every night, she basically cant even function.
so, of course that is a problem, coz, while i want her to be a wife and sleep with me, i really dont want to go to bed at 8:30 every night so she can get her 9 or 10 hrs.
however, ive even done this to try to FLEX.
but now my FLEX TOOL is angry.
I need a wife, and i seem to have married a child/girl that has no understanding of the basics of romance or love.
Tired.

Offline Anteros

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #42 on: October 05, 2011, 04:08:35 AM »
Still Water,
I don't know if you're for real or if you're just a troll wasting some time.  Let's assume that you are for real.  You have made some blunders, but you have also put a lot of effort into this relationship.  Perhaps deep down you realize that it's just not going to work out, and you want to come here and vent.  Either way, it really is obviously never going to work out.  The best thing that you can do is be polite and diplomatic with her from here on out, but ask for a divorce and get it over with as soon as possible, so that you can get on with your life.
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #43 on: October 05, 2011, 04:22:58 AM »

I find it difficult to understand how you didn't cover all this in
your 1000's of hours of conversations covering everything from
frequency, to freaky fetish Fridays, to toe curling on Tuesday,
to sleeping arrangements, and especially conflict resolution
not to mention if she will just lay there while holding her ankles.

(Bill will get teased for saying this but..................)
7 weeks divided by the sum of 20 sexy times +6 sword swallows is something
close to 4 times per week which isn't fantastic but it's not the Sahara Desert
either. She IS putting in an effort more than just a token one.

To me it just seems like you haven't been communicating enough, before, during
or after. I don't know enough to give any advice except to talk, talk and talk.
If you or her don't want to spend the effort then get a divorce. Who knows maybe
your cologne is gagging her and she doesn't want to offend you, or she wants the
lights dimmer because she doesn't like her ____________ (enter body part here)
Maybe you are hurting her, scarring her, or offending her. Surely being compared to
a whore would offend most women I know.

Whatever the problem is can only be discovered by talking. Getting all worked up
will probably cause her to shut down. You need to stay calm (this will help her
remain calm) Don't just say yeah, yeah, yeah you actually need to calm down.
The way that you are writing looks like you are bouncing off the walls. This will not
facilitate conversation.

Calm down. then talk.  Calm down!  Calm down!! then talk. 

Udachi

Bill


Bill,

thx for the response.
i appreciate the fact that you took the time to be thoughtful.

i wish i could say that talking will help.
i wish i could say that i have not tried to talk this issue into submission.
however, she does not want to talk about it, as she feels that talking about an issue that is causing friction is "arguing", and so, she will not talk to me about it.
that is why im talking so much here.

and calming down is difficult at this point, as im isolated in this room which feels now like a prison in the middle of Mars.

I dont have a car, so all i can really do is ither stare out a window at the street below, or go out and walk in the heat.
Its warm here.

so, im very isolated, which is causing me to feel panic'd.
then, ive discovered that my wife is not the person i met online., nor is living here anything as she described.
I cant find food i like, and my entire diet is messed up and i cant fix it.
Did u ever go to Walmart?
Did u ever buy Chicken Breast in a can?
U cant even find that in Israel, as they dont sell it.
So, can you imagine what its like to find anything to eat here?
The food is so ridiculous here, unless you ONLY buy raw veggies and figure out a new way to use them, that i have to eat "Ensure" in a can and protein bars, along with the horrible food here just to maintain my weight.
And im not sleeping, coz im too upset trying to adjust to the time change, trying to adjust to the lifestyle here, the place, the noise, the lack of food that an American can even recognize or desire, and then there is the problem with the ALIEN from PLUTON that i married who does not even understand how to rub her man's back.


but im sure it will all be better at some point,.
however, this point is not recently.
the good news is, i am the type person to get my ass out of a bad situation.
I flew here, and i can certainly fly away.
And if this girl does not come around and realize and cooperate with my simple needs, such as a bit of affection and tenderness and time spent with me, before she plays with the cat, ect.........if she just cant figure out she has a husband and behave accordingly, then i will just leave her and she can make her way in this world full of men that would be happy to have a girl that just lays there still as a stone while she grabs her ankles and opens wide......till im through...... and thinks that this is lovemaking.

This is a cold hard world, and im a nice person who left my country to try to give this girl a real love, and a better life,.
And she seems to think that what im offering, both in the bed, and in the lifestyle, is just something that is always available as per any man.
So, that is a tragic mental deception she is living inside of, and i would hate for her to end up with less then me, but she is certainly headed in that direction.
I hope she is able to wake up.
I have certainly been trying to shake her out of her haze., and for nearly 5 weeks, all this has accomplished is nothing good.

Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #44 on: October 05, 2011, 04:31:46 AM »
Quote
Surely being compared to a whore would offend most women I know.

SW,
Bill's point is vital if you will ever be successful with a lady. One thing for certain is that you can't treat a wife like a music groupie/whore.

There is only one person that matters in the "what someone thinks" category-and it is your wife. You need to adopt actions and a code of respect if you wish to have a wife and not just a convenient whore/music groupie.

So I'd suggest this be the last time you pull back the sheets on your sex life. A MAN never breaks the bond of sexual intimacy by blabbering to his friends, much less posting about it on a public Internet forum. No matter how frustrated you are, she deserves better. That is something a MAN and his wife works out in private or with a professional counselor.


Well,
before you become too self righteous, just realize that this is a blind public forum..
ive named no names, ive given no address, ive posted no pics.
im am simply a voice without a face who is listing undiscoverable events.
so, its no harm and no foul.
Its perfectly acceptable to discuss what im discussing, the way im discussing it.
Its incognito, and its harmless, and probably its the most entertainment value, in a strange way, that has come to this forum in a while.

the fact is.
im stuck.
im stuck in a place i dont want to live.
im stuck with a person that treats me with less affection then she gives her cat, and that is not an opinion.
and i dont want to be stuck.
i came here to love my wife, and i do love her, and she knows this.
i believe the same feelings are returned...
however, there seems to be a disconnect between the idea of marriage that she has, and her ability to perform the act.
the fact is, you dont ignore your husband.
thats rule #1.




 

 

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