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Author Topic: Freaked out with a long way to go.  (Read 15889 times)

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Offline Still_Water

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Freaked out with a long way to go.
« on: October 04, 2011, 11:35:14 AM »
Well, it seems that i have bitten off so much more then i can chew, that i am gagging with the tears.

Simply put.

im going to write this sort of in a frenzy so that you can get a feel for my emotional state.
i dont care about syntax errors or spelling.
I want you to read and listen to a man that is at the end of his rope regarding this girl i recently married.
this will all sound very emotionally upset, and that is what i am for about 5 weeks now.
Im not sleeping, i cant stop my mind from twisting, and i am just so unhappy.
so, i came here to write to anyone here that might can give me some advice, coz i am freaked out.

Im an american she is :......
I met online 5 years ago, a girl who is a Ukranian/Russian/Jew who lived in The Crimea.
We fell in love online, and had what i thought was a very good relationship.
We took it slow, we stayed online for probably thousands of hours.
I thought we were a perfect fit, then i left the USA, and flew to Israel where she lives with her parents.
She is 33 and im a decade older.
We both are musicians, both are smart, both are easy going, friendly.
And i cant stand her.
And i think the feeling is mutual.
We have been married for about 7 weeks, and OMG, its been a war from the start.

Problems..

the first and the worst is the fact that this girl does not want to be around me much.
Its as if she has to make a special effort to come home from work and even come to our room and see me.

On her off days, i have discovered that she would prefer to be in her room, on the PC or playing the piano.

I feel like im a roomate, and not a husband.

At first, the first 2 weeks after i came here, she was so attentive.
Fixed my meals, ...took me to the store almost every day after work so that i could have food, as there is little here most of the time.

Then, like a light switch went off, she one night sort of said........(we had been staying in a small room waiting for some people who were renting the big room that is now mine to leave).
About 4 days after i am here, one night she just tells me she prefers to be in her room at night.
Following this, it was every night.
Following this, it became the issue of "i need time to read"..."i need time by myself".

So, i didnt adjust to this well, as i had no idea she would just sort of unplug from me.
Now, we fight like wild animals constantly as she feels all i do is complain.
And my complaining is simply that i want a WIFE, who is around.
She does all she can to not do this for me.

And our sex life?

well, the first week, it was pretty good.
I had to adjust to the fact that she is not really very active in bed.

as of this day.......Oct 4th, we have been married for 7 weeks, and we have made love 20 times.
20.
So, i mentioned that this is not a lot for a newly married couple, and now this is a constant fight.

So, following the first week of fairly passionate lovemaking, our lovemaking has become what she actually told me is "marriage sex".
She defined it as........"Im tired, and so, that is what it will be".
Which means, that she lays there sort of like dead wood while i kiss and hold and try to get her involved, then she just grabs her ankles as we "merge" and she just lays still holding her legs wide for me till im through.
Then after this, if i try to kiss or cuddle, she will do it for about  2 mins max, and usually sort of pull away.

She tells me this is all she can do, coz she has "no mood" because of all the arguing.
It seems that she keeps in her head all that i say that angers her, which is mostly.....that she never seems to want to be with me when she is home, and she is so against sleeping with me at night in the same bed, but she does it.
She hates it.
Hates it.

We have had sex once in 13 days.
IT was good for me, but for her i think she was bored.

Ive noticed that when she gives me oral sex, and yes this has been 6 times in 7 weeks, she has a technique similar to hookers.
She just bobs fast, back and forth, with no real sense of enjoying what she is doing.
Just, get it to come asap.
Then of course she has pushed my sperm all over me, coz she wont keep it in her mouth even to spit.
Sorry to be so graphic, but im telling you i am about crazy.
I feel like ive married something from the land of "no love and affection".

And kissing?
she tells me she likes it as long as she does not have to do it a long time.
And kissing after sex, .....forget it.
And kissing me when she comes home from work.
She will do it if i sort of force her to do it.

Lately we have moments in bed when i think she wants to be with me, but then i'll try to start some touching and this is accepted for a few mins then she pulls away.

Recently she told me that i need to ask her, so that she understands the "moment", but this was not required the first week we were married.
But after 7 weeks, i cant every understand the signs with her.
As a matter of fact, she just came in here in a very sexy nightgown, and was laying on the bed, and i asked her softly if she wanted to let me touch her.
She said nothing.
So, i waited a bit, then asked her again.
She said she was "thinking".
Following this, i pointed out that i was doing what she asked, that i was asking.
This led to her telling me i was arguing again.
This led to me being told that all i do is argue.
I pointed out that i had never seen her in this beautiful and sex gown, and so, as she came in with it, what was i to think.
Once again i was told im arguing, ect.
I think , truly, that she wanted to be in another room tonight to sleep, so, she baited me with the gown, which would lead to my frustration and then she could use it against me.
Keep in mind that i was just told 2 days ago, that i needed to "ask" about intimacy so that she understood what i wanted.
So, i asked, ...she was in the new gown.......and what did she do?
She lay there, against the pillow, looking at the wall, and said nothing.
Nothing.
2 mins.
so, following this, i begin to ask, which led to the argument.
Currently she is in another room.
So, i guess it worked.

So, is she kind to me?
yes.
but just dont ask her to kiss me, or hug me, or sleep with me, or make love with me for the last 4 weeks of our 7 weeks of marriage.
This part has sort of died.
But does she worry about me?
She does if she focuses on it.
Some days, i can tell she is truly all mine, to a point.
That is unless i do something like ask her a question about something that she would rather not discuss.
Following this, game over for a few days.
These few days have now lasted about a month.

Other things that i cant discuss with her, would include her past boyfriends, especially the one she was living with before she met me.

I wish he had married her so that i could be spared this hell.

For example.
Im not working in Israel, as im not even a resident yet.
So, im stuck in the apartment all day, no car.
Pulling hair out.

She comes home today, and immediately starts cooking this pie that she wanted to try again because she ruined the last one.
This was right after she ate her 3:30pm meal.
So, i went in the kitchen with her as soon as she arrived, and helped her carry in some food she bought.
Then she sat at the table and i got my food and went to our big bedroom where she sleeps part time.
I waited waited.
Eventually, about 40 mins passed and i go to the kitchen and there she is cooking the pie.
Keep in mind, i have no kiss, no hug, no how are you .
All i got was to help her with the food.
She knows i sit all day here.
So, i go in the kitchen and say, "well thanks for coming to see me for a few mins".
she tells me........."i say you when you came in here for the food".

So, can you feel the love?

Tonight she told me she wants to take classes to learn to cut hair.
So this means she'll work her job, then be gone at night.
Can you feel the love?
I can.

This girl is doing all she can to make sure we are hardly in the same room.

I guess it was my arguing about the fact that she didnt want to be in the same room with me.
I did get pretty angry about the fact that she has been doing this.
Probably better had i just stayed alone till she decided to come in for a visit on occasion.
However, as i flew 5,000 miles to marry this girl, i felt that i was due some actual marriage RELATIONSHIP.

The other thing i did wrong?
Well, i pointed out that she had very frequent sex with her last boyfriend and she had very infrequent sex with her husband, me.
Since then, we have argued also about this a lot.
Now our sex is infrequent.
However, i felt that if she married me, then i should at least have equal time in bed as compared to the last one.
Seems my argument has only caused her to dislike me based on my argument.
Maybe this is where the entire relationship went to hell.

All i know, is that she is happily in the other room right now for the night.
After she would not tell me if we were going to make love, as required by her to be asked, and as i was told all i do is argue after i told her that any man seeing her in that sexy gown would think she was asking for his passion........well, she certainly teased me right into a fight.
Maybe im just to stupid to deal with this mind :censored: ing girl.
Or maybe she is enjoying the fact that i want her, and uses no sex as a weapon to harm me, so that in this way she pays me back for my complaining.
The thing is, i dont even want to have sex with her.
I had no real desire to do it, but i was mostly trying out this new idea of hers about asking, and then i watched her become filled with hatred.

She literally was hating me as she felt i was wanting her and she was denying me.
She was sitting there after i asked her, knowing i would.......then had no response as this she know would irritate me, as this was what she told me to do.
So i do it, then she ignores me, then after i point out what is what, she then accused me of "arguing" again so that she could use THIS as the reason for why we had no intimacy which then led to a fight and then to her sleeping in another room.
So, she played me again, i think, like a violin with one string.

so, how many here, think i need to go back to the USA before im even more freaked out at what is happening to me?


any advice?


thanx for reading.


s_w

Offline Halo

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2011, 11:48:37 AM »
Divorce her.

If you're unhappy with your sex life after seven weeks of marriage, what will it be like after seven years?

Offline Chris

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2011, 12:01:13 PM »
Divorce her.

If you're unhappy with your sex life after seven weeks of marriage, what will it be like after seven years?

Ditto, but to be honest, it sounds like you too met for the first time face to face and within a very short  time you were married. You really didn't know each other did you? skype/phone/emails doesn't count here, face time is what you need with anyone, not only in an International relationship.

Quote from: SW
However, as i flew 5,000 miles to marry this girl, i felt that i was due some actual marriage RELATIONSHIP.

Sorry to hear about your sad story, but just because you flew 5000 miles, doesn't mean she owes you anything. I wish we could hear her side of the story, I bet it would be very enlightening  :)


Offline Paul

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #3 on: October 04, 2011, 12:07:25 PM »

Offline mendeleyev

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #4 on: October 04, 2011, 12:11:51 PM »
First off, sex is the least of your problems. (You must have a relationship in order to make love--and you don't have that.)

As to your reference to her technique being "like a hooker" I'd respond that it sounds to me that you're got way too much experience as an average "John." Takes one to know one buddy so cut out the accusations--fixing this broken mess will require you to man up, and that means rebuilding a positive relationship with her...fast.


Quote
At first, the first 2 weeks after i came here, she was so attentive.
Fixed my meals, ...took me to the store almost every day after work so that i could have food, as there is little here most of the time.

Did you really expect her to be excited about moving to your country and discovering that you don't even have food?!

Do you really mean to give the idea that she pays for groceries in your home?!


Quote
Then, like a light switch went off, she one night sort of said........(we had been staying in a small room waiting for some people who were renting the big room that is now mine to leave).


Hope you have enough money to keep the electric bill paid...otherwise that light switch you referenced won't ever come back on.

Did you really expect her to give up her home life and move to another country and discover that you apparently live the life of a broke musician?! If your lifestyle includes renting out rooms for income, then you can't afford a wife.


Quote
This girl is doing all she can to make sure we are hardly in the same room.

Dude, women usually have reasons for that kind of behaviour. You might try sitting down and offering to listen to her reasons with a promise (and keep the promise if you hope to keep the girl) that you'll not response AT ALL and only listen to her side of the story.

Online Steamer

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #5 on: October 04, 2011, 12:26:20 PM »
...but to be honest, it sounds like you too met for the first time face to face and within a very short  time you were married. You really didn't know each other did you? skype/phone/emails doesn't count here, face time is what you need with anyone, not only in an International relationship.

Exactly. Even though you communicated for 5 years your relationship is only 7 weeks old.

Life ain't nothing but a poker game
And no two hands are quite the same
But I've never seen a winner that didn't bet

Offline Still_Water

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #6 on: October 04, 2011, 12:47:21 PM »
Divorce her.

If you're unhappy with your sex life after seven weeks of marriage, what will it be like after seven years?

there is a man who wrote a long article about his misadventures regarding marrying 2 russian girls.

basically he said they are loveless, unaffectionate, lay there like a dead horse during sex, and prefer their own company to their husband.
he wrote that they do not like to sleep in the same bed at night with their husband.
he wrote that, russian children are not hugged and loved and nurtured much, and they grow up being distant, unaffectionate, and dont care to change.
he pointed out that if you are a person who wants an affectionate wife, ..one who you want to be around you a lot,....in the sense that you and she are "one" and enjoy the same room, the same dinner table, the same everything, then the last thing you want to do is marry a Russian/Ukrainian girl, because they dont understand simple affection, they dont even like it.
They operate on a sort of sex is love mentality, and they dont understand the basics of romance, nor do they intend to discover it.
They operate in a black and white mentality, and are not able to function in a marriage with a man who demands that they view him as the main thing and not just a part of their program.
I am not a man who can operate on the ........."well i think i have some time for you today, principle".
I have to be the mainthing in her life as she is the main thing in mine.
And THAT is the disconnect.
She wants me to be a part of the whole and i have to be the whole.
So, in that is the issue, and can i resolve it?
well, right now she is in the room again telling me to shut up, because i just told her what i just told you.
I will not be #5 on her list of things to do.
I am THE LIST.
And she cant do it., so neither will I.

Offline Larry

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #7 on: October 04, 2011, 12:52:00 PM »
Sorry to hear of all the difficulties in your marriage.

Quote
basically he said they are loveless, unaffectionate, lay there like a dead horse during sex, and prefer their own company to their husband.
he wrote that they do not like to sleep in the same bed at night with their husband.
he wrote that, russian children are not hugged and loved and nurtured much, and they grow up being distant, unaffectionate, and dont care to change.
he pointed out that if you are a person who wants an affectionate wife, ..one who you want to be around you a lot,....in the sense that you and she are "one" and enjoy the same room, the same dinner table, the same everything, then the last thing you want to do is marry a Russian/Ukrainian girl, because they dont understand simple affection, they dont even like it.

This may be true of this guy's two Russian wives, but it hasn't been consistent with my experience. 

Offline Anteros

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #8 on: October 04, 2011, 12:54:55 PM »
Divorce her.

If you're unhappy with your sex life after seven weeks of marriage, what will it be like after seven years?

there is a man who wrote a long article about his misadventures regarding marrying 2 russian girls.

basically he said they are loveless, unaffectionate, lay there like a dead horse during sex, and prefer their own company to their husband.
he wrote that they do not like to sleep in the same bed at night with their husband.
he wrote that, russian children are not hugged and loved and nurtured much, and they grow up being distant, unaffectionate, and dont care to change.
he pointed out that if you are a person who wants an affectionate wife, ..one who you want to be around you a lot,....in the sense that you and she are "one" and enjoy the same room, the same dinner table, the same everything, then the last thing you want to do is marry a Russian/Ukrainian girl, because they dont understand simple affection, they dont even like it.
They operate on a sort of sex is love mentality, and they dont understand the basics of romance, nor do they intend to discover it.
They operate in a black and white mentality, and are not able to function in a marriage with a man who demands that they view him as the main thing and not just a part of their program.
I am not a man who can operate on the ........."well i think i have some time for you today, principle".
I have to be the mainthing in her life as she is the main thing in mine.
And THAT is the disconnect.
She wants me to be a part of the whole and i have to be the whole.
So, in that is the issue, and can i resolve it?
well, right now she is in the room again telling me to shut up, because i just told her what i just told you.
I will not be #5 on her list of things to do.
I am THE LIST.
And she cant do it., so neither will I.

You were dumb enough to tell her this ridiculous story, and now you wonder why she wants to be alone in her room?  I think we really need to hear her side of the story, and it seems that you and her are not meant for each other.
Be careful what you wish for, you might get it.

Offline Manny

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #9 on: October 04, 2011, 01:03:05 PM »
...but to be honest, it sounds like you too met for the first time face to face and within a very short  time you were married. You really didn't know each other did you? skype/phone/emails doesn't count here, face time is what you need with anyone, not only in an International relationship.

Exactly. Even though you communicated for 5 years your relationship is only 7 weeks old.

That is the problem.

Sex is the least of your worries. As Mendy said, you need a relationship for that to happen and you haven't got one.

I gather from your post you are living in Israel with her now? My advice is do not import this woman to the US under any circumstances. Divorce her. Go home. Get to know the woman face to face if there is a next time with another foreign woman.
please tell me where I'm being / have been 'dishonest'? 
Yes, he said that.........

Offline kievstar

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #10 on: October 04, 2011, 01:38:41 PM »
You do not seem like someone who is ready to date let alone be married. 

You mentioned you tried to ask her about past boyfriends - if she did tell you what would that help.  There is nothing to be gained about asking about her past sexual experiences or sharing yours.

You said she lives with her parents in Israel and now with you in Israel.  Do you spend a lot of time with her parents?

While she was working and you were sitting home you never thought once you could go to the store to buy food on your own.  She thinks your a child and not a husband.  Sorry to be blunt.  Israel is not hard to get around. 



Offline Manny

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #11 on: October 04, 2011, 01:42:45 PM »
Still_water, may I ask you, are you in Israel now? Or must you use a proxy for some reason?
please tell me where I'm being / have been 'dishonest'? 
Yes, he said that.........

Offline ChrisE

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #12 on: October 04, 2011, 01:55:32 PM »
You say that she is not being a "wife", which you claim to need. Perhaps she needs a "husband" and not just someone for constant sex. Israeli women are proud people and respect those men who take the initiative and get things done. As was mentioned, go out and do the shopping, clean the apartment, and make a hot meal for when she gets home from work. If she is the one working all day, you have no excuses for sitting on your tush and doing nothing. There is no woman who will put up with that for long, and seems her limit was 1 week.

 So in my view, you have two choices. Either you free the lady and go back to the states, or you make some big efforts to earn her love and respect again. If you choose #2, it will not be easy, but if you want any chance of saving your marriage you must learn that efforts in a relationship goes both ways. You either earn it, or go home.

Offline Chris

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #13 on: October 04, 2011, 02:10:40 PM »
Quote from: Still_Water
he wrote that, russian children are not hugged and loved and nurtured much, and they grow up being distant, unaffectionate, and dont care to change.
he pointed out that if you are a person who wants an affectionate wife, ..one who you want to be around you a lot,....in the sense that you and she are "one" and enjoy the same room, the same dinner table, the same everything, then the last thing you want to do is marry a Russian/Ukrainian girl, because they dont understand simple affection, they dont even like it.

He obviously met the wrong women also, or just didn't know how to take care of a good lady, you reap what you sow, and this is the complete opposite of my experience, of course, I wouldn't be getting married to someone I had only met five minutes (figuratively speaking) earlier either  (:)



Online andrewfi

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Re: Freaked out with a long way to go.
« Reply #14 on: October 04, 2011, 02:46:45 PM »
Talk to the woman about how to unwind the marriage.
You are not ready for each other.
"For what else is the life of man but a kind of play in which men in various costumes perform until the director motions them offstage?" -Erasmus