I'm new here and just joined today (see my introduction), but am not completely inexperienced. Actually I'm currently in Odessa on my second trip to Ukraine and now having read so much on this forum feel that at least I know a few things not to do, like what I want to report about from my first trip to Ukraine this past February.
But maybe a few things about myself first so people can put my story into context. I'm 46 years old, originally from Germany, but have literally lived and traveled all over the world and for the last 16 years resided in several places in the US, although it's my goal to relocate back to Europe before the end of this year.
I have been in serious relationships only during my life, but because of my travel they have been with women from different cultures, German, Spain, Japan, Columbia, US and Costa Rica. I have never been married though and have no kids.
I consider myself of average looks (no Brad Pitt but no Quasimodo either), am 182 tall, slim, athletic but not muscular figure, and usually have no problems dating - other than being very picky and selective and definitely not the classroom clown type, although usually good at conversations with both sexes.
After ending a long term six year relationship last year, I decided to widen the dating pool and look outside the US. Having been exposed at a film festival to the movie "A Foreign Affair" I remembered the Russian dating sites and starting thinking this might make for an interesting experiment. Google it AWEB come up as the first one and while I looked at several others, the flashy pictures got the better of me (or should I say my little head
). That and of course I had heard about the scamming issues, and some of the other website didn't quite look right (as I find out through reading on these pages I wasn't alltogether wrong).
So I enrolled, put up my profile and within a week I would get 7 letters a day - talking about an ego boost. You can say about AWEB what you want but they are great at marketing and understanding a men's psychology - I will post a separate topic under agencies and share my experiences which are somewhat different than what I read here - maybe they are getting even smarter these days.
While I like the eye candy as much as the next guy I knew from personal experience that hanging out with a 19 year old even if she is genuine doesn't work for me long term so I focused on the 30+ crowd and after weeding through some profiles and reading many of the obvious form letters (not knowing at the time that they were sometimes sent without a woman's knowledge) I honed in on 3 ladies that all seemed interesting and started a regular correspondence with all 3. After initial letters I also managed to regularly chat with two of them. Of course it never dawned on me they may not be real, but as it turned out that wasn't actually the issue.
One of the two also had video chat and I giving the interactions there was no doubt it was live.
And here is where it gets interesting and I would love the forum's opinion whether I ended up meeting a pro-dater or simply stumbled over some key cultural differences.
After having communicated for a good 3 months through letters and chat, she (30 years old from Nikolayev) suggested that I should give her call so she can give me her personal contact info and we wouldn't have to go through the agency much longer - dahh - it never dawned on me to do that).
So I did and from there on other than the occasional video chat everything went directly through email and phone. She then asked me if I wanted to visit her and I said yes, that would be nice, so we fixed a long weekend in February that would work for both us. The only request she had was that I would really come for her and not try to date 3 other women while being there. She did say if things don't work out you can always go and meet some other girls then. She told me some horror stories of previous dates and it all made sense to me so I promised and kept my promise.
When looking at flights and transportation I quickly realized that getting to Nikolayev is not the fastest and so I asked her advice of how to best get there. She said not to bother given we only have a long weekend and to meet in Kiev instead. She even suggested that she could help me with getting an apartment given that she is a realtor.
I said not to worry and I would just get a hotel and promptly proceeded courtesy of frequent traveler points to book 2 rooms in one of the biggest luxury hotels in Kiev, one for me and one for her and her interpreter. Guys, I don't know much, but no matter how much you like a woman never ever do that.
So thinking we are all set shortly before the big weekend approaches I get a message from her telling me that her interpreter needed to talk to me. Turns out since they needed to come all the way from Nikolayev and that's not all that cheap, they needed money for the transport, which I was told was $400. Immediately several red flags went up, as I was warned never to send money and the amount seemed very steep. But it was 3 days before my flight, I was busy at work and really didn't have time to now suddenly change everything around. So I took the risk and did send the money having a terrible feeling about this.
Well the big weekend arrives, I got there a day before her and low and behold she actually does show up - and telling me that she had to scream at the taxi driver as that morning a snow storm hit Nikolayev and he didn't want to drive them. It is the women from the photos and video chat and the first thing she does is give me a present (I thought it was supposed to work the other way round). It was a bottle of vodka in a special ceramic souvenir bottle - I know nothing about vodka but as I found out later it apparently is a premium brand that isn't exactly cheap for Ukrainians.
I had brought her a special present as well that she was completely over the moon with and so we proceeded on our first date. She knew I like fish so we proceeded to what must be one of the most expensive fish restaurants in Kiev and the bill at the end was no dime less than at the restaurants I dine at at home.
Being typically shy and reserved on first dates, we made nice conversation but I kept at a safe distance and even though she seemed attracted to me I wasn't going to hold her hand this early in the game.
The same pretty much happened on day two only that now it was one of the most expensive Italian restaurants in town followed after a city tour with an English guide. The difference being that she now asked if she can put her arm under mine (to help her walk the icy streets) and hold my hand. Reluctantly I agreed. It was on day 2 that we started talking about the website, the whole agency models and to my surprise both she and her interpreter told me what was going on behind the scenes at some of these agencies, i.e. letters being sent without girl's knowledge.
I showed them what the website looks from a man's perspective, something they had never seen and got a kick out of. It was at this stage that she really started to get affective and I quickly excused myself as I was not comfortable.
OK, at this point I should say that I pretty much had made up my mind that she was not for me and being overly polite as I foolishly am sometimes I wanted to salvage the weekend and not say anything, but of course she sensed something was wrong.
I had told her that I liked musicals and theater, so that evening she arranged to go to a musical for us. She put on her best evening dress and off we went. During the whole performance she was moping in her chair - I assume now because I wasn't getting close to her.
Finally Day 4 comes along and since it was cold and not much to do, I, please not I, not her, made the suggestion to go to a shopping mall, one of the big underground ones. So off we go and on the way I see a cute little Russian restaurant - she wasn't too thrilled but went along and for the first time it turned out to be cheap meal.
And then the actual shopping proceeded. She wanted to go to the Armani store, as supposedly she had a ten percent discount card that she got from someone. While in the store the interpreter asks me if it would be OK for me to buy her a pair of jeans as a present and I said of course and actually my intention was to buy her a nice gift even though at this stage I knew this wasn't working for me.
Seeing the price tag at the cashier gave me a bit of a sticker shock even though I knew that designer clothes would be substantially more than in Europe or the US.
Next she goes into a cosmetic store and spend a good hour trying this and that and talking to shop assistant. It was during that time that I had a private conversation with the interpreter. She kept asking me if I really liked the girl and foolishly I said yes, she seems like a nice girl. We then talked about the whole issue of shopping and whether or not it was normal for men to buy all these things and she told me that this always ends up being a sore point with Western men and many refuse or at minimum don't like.
Finally she is done and we go to the cashier - and surprise, surprise, what first looked like a little face cream and one lipstick ended being half of the store. So now it was decision point, do I make a scene and tell her to take a hike or do I pay what was a sum of money that I hadn't even spend on one of my long-term girlfriends during the heydays of my previous relationships (we are talking $2000).
In the end I decide to pay against better judgement - in case you haven't already noticed, I don't like conflicts very much.
As it so happens opposite the cosmetic store there was a jewelry store, but at this point I declared the shopping tour over and we proceeded to the next cab to bring us back to the hotel.
I was very upset by now, but mostly angry at myself. I quickly excuse myself and I could see a somewhat puzzled look on the girl's face.
The next day I told the interpreter that we needed to have chat. So we meet in my room and it was then that I told the girl it's not working for me. I was also going to talk about the inappropriate shopping trip, but I never got to this stage as she started to cry bitterly, disappeared into the bathroom and for more than an hour cried her eyes out and was inconsolable. Now if she was faking all this, I have to say she deserves every piece of cosmetic I bought her, as it would have been an Oscar worthy performance. Her face was red and completely swollen for the rest of the day.
Even the interpreter was at her wits end.
I told at least the interpreter what I was thinking and feeling and she fully understand but then made an interesting comment to me. She said that the girl realized that something was wrong and that I was very removed, but when I bought her all these things she was convinced that I really liked her (and apparently said to the interpreter without me hearing - "He really really likes me").
Well needless to say the date was over at that point and the next morning we both departed, but not before getting another surprise in form of two ultra expensive spa treatments that were added to the hotel bill. And as if all of this was not embarrassing enough the interpreter asked me for money for their taxi ride back to Nikolayev and a little bit of money for lunch, as apparently they had none.
Talking about on expensive weekend.
At that time I didn't know this forum, knew nothing about pro-daters, but have wondered ever since, was this an excellent pro or simply a girl who misread my signs (after all I put her up in the most expensive hotel in Kiev and suggested to take her shopping) and whose heart I ended up breaking, as she said.
For those who I didn't put to sleep with my story, I welcome comments and opinions from folks here who have a lot more experience than I do.Either way it was a great lesson learned and to be clear I am not blaming the girl, this was my own stupidity and naivety, after all I could have said no. The only thing I will say in my defense is that I never took advantage of the situation or the girl, which I very easily could have, even if the girl may have taken advantage of me.
So how is that for a first visit to the Ukraine and an introduction to dating a Ukrainian woman?
Well, I'm back in Ukraine as we speak and this time things went differently and I certainly didn't make those mistakes again - but of course made new ones, which I will tell you about later.