Slutochka: a modern Russian Fairy Tale

[Gorky Guy]

Slutochka: a modern Russian Fairy Tale

Once upon a time there was a sweet little Russian devochka called Slutochka. She had beautiful light brown hair; deep, green eyes and lips made for kissing. Some people in her village said that her bum looked a bit big, but they were horrible, skinny girls who were jealous of Slutochka because they didn't have any tits.

Slutochka was as kind and thoughtful as she was beautiful. In fact it was her kindness that most often got her into trouble because try as she might, she simply could not keep her legs together whenever she heard an American accent, as we shall find out later in this story.

One day, when Slutochka was making her babushka's porridge as usual, her grandmother clicked her tongue and said: "Slutochka, moy angelochek, your poor shoes are so worn I can see your toes! You must go and buy some new ones. Here are 10 gold kopeckas."

"Be careful, my darlinka," added her mother. "There are lots of bad men in the forest who only want to get into your pretty white and gold knickers."
"That's OK, mamatchka," said Slutochka sweetly. "I will leave my knickers at home today."
Her mother shook her head and muttered 'silly durochka' under her breath and wondered for the hundredth time how someone so beautiful could be so incredibly gloopy.

As it happened, Slutochka got through the forest safely because all the bad men were drinking vodka with American sex tourists and were too drunk to notice her slight figure slipping through the trees.

When she got to the town she went straight to the shoe shop. Her big green eyes widened with delight when she saw a beautiful pair of black high-heeled boots that looked just her size. Her legs widened even more when a handsome American with a bulging billfold approached her and asked her if she needed any help.

"Ohhh," she giggled as she sat down on a little red chair and held out her pretty legs. "I just adore your accent. It makes my tummy go all funny inside."
The American smiled and thought to himself; "what a gloopy little durochka. But she is rather pretty, even if her bottom is a bit fat. I wonder what it would cost me to get into her knickers?

Slutochka sighed deeply as the nice American took off her old, worn out shoes, and cradled her left foot in his hands. "Such a krasiviya foot," he said. "Shall I put on the boots?"
"Yes, please," said Slutochka.
As he slipped the new boots onto her feet he noticed her teeth and took a step backwards. "Gee whizz!" he muttered to himself, "It looks like she hasn't flossed for at least a week and those cavities are deeper than the Grand Canyon!"

When she saw how distracted he looked, Slutochka smiled even more broadly and opened her pretty legs even wider. It was then that the American saw she was not wearing any knickers. (I told you we'd get to this bit). Unfortunately, the sight of Slutochka's pretty red cherry did nothing at all for the American, whose bulging eyes were still riveted to her decaying teeth.

"Er...look, honey, I gotta run, OK? Biznis — y'know?"
"Whaaaa?!!" pouted Slutochka.
"Look, it's your teeth, sorry..." said the American, visibly gagging, and darted from the shop before Slutochka could say another word.

So that was how Slutochka didn't get a beautiful pair of hand-made, high-heeled boots for nothing. Although her grandmother was delighted at saving 10 gold kopeckas her mama clicked her tongue when she learned just what superb boots her gloopy daughter had missed out on.
"How many times have I told you to get your teeth fixed?" her mother shrieked.
"M-m-my teeth, mama?"
"Da, you gloopy durochka. If you'd had decent teeth the American would have bought you those boots. How do you think I furnished our apartment with all these lovely things?"
Her mother's elegant arm swept the kvatira which was indeed filled to overflowing with the finest products that Western capitalists could produce (albeit, made in China).

"B-but I'd be no better than a cheap slut if I'd let that man into my knickers!" objected Slutochka.
"Yes, but think of the GREAT looking teeth you'd have!" replied her mother, flashing her perfectly veneered pearlies in triumph.

[B.B.]

Slutochka: a modern Russian Fairy Tale, Part II

Zhili bili...

And so Slutochka was depressed about her teeth, and hoped that Ded Moroz might bring her some fancy veneers for her chompers, like granny had, and moped around the house all week.  Finally, granny, tired of her granddaughter's moodiness, gave her more dengi for the boots and off she went, sans knickers, as before.

She came upon some bad men in the forest, but since it was already half past 7AM, they were already too drunk to molest her, and she was able to go on her way. 

When she got to the town she went straight to the shoe shop again.  She looked longingly at the boots, and she realized that, even with the extra money granny had given her, she still did not have enough gelt to buy them. 

She nearly lost all hope, b/c she'd had such bad luck b/c of her teeth, the last time.  This time she had much better fortune, however, as it was a Brit who sat down near her.  She smiled, and opened her legs a bit, making sure to expose a lot of southerly real estate. 

The Brit was focused on her teeth (very much against type, she had actually smiled a bit at him) and she remembered!  She opened her legs a bit more and tried to break his fixation.  But it was not to be...the Brit kept staring and staring at her teeth.  She was crestfallen, realizing that, again, all was lost.  She got up and turned to go, but the Brit exclaimed, "KPACOTKA!  Where are you going?!"

Embarrassed she said, a hand covering her mouth, "I'm sorry, I couldn't help but notice you looking at my teeth..."

The Brit interjected, "Of course, I was, love!  They're effing BEAUTIFUL!  I've never seen such magnificent specimens in all of Stepney!  Come back to England, with me, Slutochka, and be my bride!  People will come from all over to see my wife's magnificent gnashers!"

And, so, children, Slutochka got her boots and lived happily ever after on a council estate in Blighty.  Her teeth were pronounced the 8th Wonder of the Modern World.  She lived out the rest of her days there in wedded bliss, although she was a bit confused by her husbandochka's occasional insistence that she pretend to be a sheep during sex.  She also didn't understand why he would dress up as Yoda, either, but she had all the boots she wanted, and that was that.  8)

[Qi Peng]

That was one hilarious story. Thanks for sharing it with all of us. 

[GREGK]

Jeez! No response from our Brit friends? The dental hygiene standards of the British Empire are being ridiculed! This could mean war! Again!

[Gorky Guy]

Jeez! No response from our Brit friends?

You Yanks are always so bloody impatient. Look,  I've only just seen B-B's reply. Bloody brilliant, B-B. I spilled my best Chai over it. I especially like the nice twist when Prince Charming surprises the dozy tart by complimenting her on her appalling nashers. But I think you overdid it with the sheep. No doubt you meant well...

Trouble is, I can't continue it now, can I? Unless she files a DV suit against him for dental cruelty...Brilliant! Where's my Micky Mouse pen...
 

[B.B.]

Bloody brilliant, B-B. I spilled my best Chai over it. I especially like the nice twist when Prince Charming surprises the dozy tart by complimenting her on her appalling nashers. But I think you overdid it with the sheep. No doubt you meant well...

*Bows*

Trouble is, I can't continue it now, can I? Unless she files a DV suit against him for dental cruelty...Brilliant!

I think the term is "checkmate"....



BB

[Manny]

Slutochka: a modern Russian Fairy Tale, Part III

And, so, children, Slutochka settled into her 2 bed council house in Stepney to live the great British dream. She soon got a job at Asda shelf stacking but was surprised that a nasty shadowy villain from the big city called Mr Blair wanted 65% of her earnings, that never happened back in Dumpsk.

She expected her husband to drive a 24 gold karat plated Cadillac, resplendent with bullhorns on the front grille and Dixie flags on each ariel, like the wives of the American men she heard about, but his 1978 Skoda looked too much like her Dedushkas Lada Number 5 back home. So soon she was tired of Blighty; and her husbands growing obsession with sheep and she wondered where the gold paved streets and unattainable opulence she heard about abroad was when she ‘arrived to’ her pot bellied snaggle toothed Brit. All the tales she had heard about abroad simply were not true, it rained all the time, the roads were narrow, the English people seemed to be mostly Albanian and African and a wicked villain called Mr Blair gave them free money, and she just couldn’t understand this strange country.

She placed a long distance call to her Mother in desperation. Her Mother told her “You see moy angelochek, this is why we told you to go to the land of Milk and Honey, and not to a tiny Island. I have consulted the Oracle, he advised you use the fabled Natasha technique number 5” and she explained it to her………..

Within a week, she had secured unlimited free public money to pay for Sir Cecil Splendid III QC, a prominent local lawyer. She filed DV charges against her new yellow fanged hubby, and 3 months later hubby languished in Strangeways prison up in a dark place called Manchester in the untamed north. Slutochka soon sold his house and had many thousands of pounds nestling in her new Isle of Man bank account.

She excitedly called her Mamotchka again, “Mamotchka, I did exactly what you said; I used Natasha rule number 5, now I am young free single and rich!” “Well done malishka, said her Mamotchka, now you can make your plans to get to the land of the free and the home of the brave” “Yes Mamotchka” she cried “Tomorrow I shall take my shiny new UK residence permit to the USA Embassy in Old London Town, I will have no problem getting a visa to the US”

After waiting in the rain for two hours in Ye Olde London Town, she was called into the office to see immigration officer JJ Stepinnit esq. – her visa was refused, she left London crestfallen, but upon walking across Grosvenor Square, JJ Stepinnit esq caught her up, gasping and panting from the running, “yee-haw, maybe I can help ya'all” he grinned, "you too can have a set of crispy white Amerikanski teeth like mine" she listened intently to his proposal..........

To be continued…………by whoever wants to..........

[Gorky Guy]

I'm working on a sequel that will set your pants on fire.
Sheep?
It may involve sheep.
What?
Look! You'll just have to wait and see, won't you?
Fur?
Of course fur will fly, it's about a Russian girl, isn't it?
Three-inch heels?
Leather?

How should I know?
Just keep your fetishes to yourself.
 

[Manny]

It must be 4" heels - 3" just doesnt cut it.

[Chris]

It must be 4" heels - 3" just doesnt cut it.

Yes I agree 4" or nothing! 

[B.B.]

The Original Story......

[pup zemly]

this story is already on every board

[OneWeekWonder]

Sweeeet...lol Too damn funny BRO..lol Do some more....Please! ! !

oww

[Wiz]

Bloody pervs......

I thought the break was for 10 minutes to get a coca cola and the popcorn ...... : : :

.....but you have been watching immigration officer JJ Stepinnit esq advising Slutochka how to get a set of crispy white Amerikanski teeth like his!

[ Attachment Invalid Or Does Not Exist ]

[Manny]

Perhaps GG should be invited back to finish the tale?

[OneWeekWonder]

Hi,

  More...More...More...Please...lol

Oww

[Olga_Mouse]

BRING
           GORKY
                        BACK
                                   TO BOARD!

[Markje]

BRING
           GORKY
                        BACK
                                   TO BOARD!

I fully agree.

[Paul]

BRING
           GORKY
                        BACK
                                   TO BOARD!

I fully agree.

It will never happen, he is way too full of himself.

[Olga_Mouse]

It will never happen, he is way too full of himself.

He's just enjoying the "posting intimacy" with Hellen at the sinking ship 

[Brasscasing]

BRING
           GORKY
                        BACK
                                   TO BOARD!

The Mouse That Roared?

Brass

[Olga_Mouse]

The Mouse That Roared?

  

MsMoby_Ru might see that someone quoted Cufflinks, and start posting in this thread... 

[mobyone]

The Mouse That Roared?

  

MsMoby_Ru might see that someone quoted Cufflinks, and start posting in this thread... 

What and have someone think I'm Wiz - or the "glove puppet"  ? ...

Mr Gorky apparently lives very close to me... !

BTW.. I defended our Cuffy today... :-o

[AvHdB]

I suspect that one of the more literary members should continue this tale. As I recall we had another one of these tales running elsewhere on RUA.

It was innocent humor which certainly can trump some of the stupidity we see posted.

[Contrarian]

I couldn't find a place to put this. Slutochka seemed plausible. Is this degrading or have women of the post-modern World gotten too uptight?

https://www.yahoo.com/news/degrading-saint-laurent-campaign-under-191918579.html